Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Nothing Funny about Comedy: When Rock Became Disco - A Look Back at the '80s Comedy Boom

This section is where I give serious essays on comedy.

Until two years ago, I assumed that most of today's biggest comedy clubs have been around since the '50s. I had no idea there was an '80s comedy boom. After writing this blog post on the current tech-fueled comedy boom, I realized how little I knew about the first comedy boom. Most accounts about the '80s comedy explosion rely on the same cliches (cable killing live performances, too many comics). Using some freelance writer research magic, I dug up two articles written in the '80s and one from the '90s about the glory days of comedy clubs and decided to post them online so those who were too young for the comedy craze can see what was remarkable about it as well as what was tragic.


Article 1 (the beginning of the boom, with a profile of Dennis Blair)

#2 (the middle, when comedy clubs were in danger)
#3 (the beginning of the end)



Pee Wee Herman: A New Wave Comic



The Audiences


One striking difference between the new audiences and the old ones is the age. The current boom is driven by tech-savvy teens

"In fact, many teens lately are more apt to know the names of such hot comedians as Brian Regan, Dane Cook and Frank Caliendo than what new music tops the charts."

or by young indie kids in the alt-comedy scene. Twenty years ago, comedy clubs attracted aging baby boomers.

[Caroline's] PR woman, Peggy Reed - who, like the owner, is in her 30s - sees the clubs as a gathering place for the Baby Boomers.

"I think we're getting a little older and we don't necessarily want to go out and hear rock and roll music or go to Woodstock or do all that kind of stuff," she says. "We're more sophisticated and we like live entertainment, but we want to be entertained and not blasted out of our seats or dance the night away."


If comedians are, as they like to put it, the ''rock stars of the 80's,'' then comedy's Woodstock is happening nightly in people's homes on television.


A majority also came in from the suburbs.

Mr. McLaren attributes the rise of stars like Mr. Seinfeld, Richard Lewis, Paul Reiser and Carol Liefer to what he called the suburbanization of comedy. For around the country, as in Manhattan, the predominant audience for urban comedy clubs comes from outside the city.

The Comedians

TJ Miller brilliantly dispels the stereotype of the standard '80s comic:

At that point people saw stand-up as this kind of hacky thing where everybody wore jeans and blazers and talked about airline food. That simply wasn't the case -- even in the midst of that so-called bust, there were so many comics that were doing new and original stuff.


The sidebar (at the bottom of the linked article, called Comic Pedigrees) gives a more in-depth look.
Stephen Holden gives interesting musical classifications of the different stars (Eddie Murphy is pop-funk, Pee Wee Herman is new wave). Indeed, the boom had different phases within it.

In the early 1980's, the hottest young performers in clubs were so-called weird or conceptual performers like Pee-wee Herman, Steven Wright and Emo Philips. Then in a rush of rock-star energy came performers like Andrew Dice Clay and Sam Kinison who brought a macho, heavy-metal energy to the field.

Heavy Metal Thunder


But just as fans came in from the suburbs, so did the comics.

The Sids, Murrays, Jackies and Sheckys are being replaced by suburban kids named Skip, Chip and Brian.

We all know hack topics like airline food brought the breathless momentum to a halt, but joke thieves made the comedy even more bland and homogenous.

''Audiences don't care if they're hearing material everyone else is doing,'' [Paul Provenza] says. '' 'Which part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?' There must be a dozen comics doing that same joke.''

''The McNugget joke belongs to Letterman,'' says Ellis Levinson, a New York comic now living in Los Angeles. ''It belongs to Letterman no matter how many people rip it off.''



The Decline


No one denies that stand-up comedy's ubiquity on cable television meant more people staying at home to watch comedy and less people going out to the clubs.

Many in the club business attribute the sagging box office to cable television, where uncensored comedy has become a thriving staple.

Television also ignited the comedy explosion.

Seinfeld: King of the Suburbs


Conversely, the brisk business being done by the ever-growing number of comedy clubs may be due in part to the very industry that is snapping comics up; television and comedy clubs are feeding each other as they make the standup comedian a familiar image in pop culture. ''Once people see what these clubs are like on HBO or some other show,'' says Chris Albrecht, ''they want to go in person.''

But the main killer of '80s comedy was the influx of comedians who saw stand-up as a means to an end as opposed to an end in itself.

"I'm working to make sure that comedy doesn't become the disco of the 90's, which it has a fair chance of doing," [TV producer Campbell McClaren] said. "There are similarities. A lot of comedy has become more generic. Just as Ethel Merman and everybody else did a disco record in the late 1970's, now everybody wants to be a comedian. The garage band has been replaced by the garage comic."

The rock stars of the '80s became the disco has-beens of the '90s.

The Lessons

1) Be wary of comedians who want rock-star status


Though there has been no conclusive evidence of comedians who want to be darlings of the indie scene, it couldn't hurt to be wary of newcomers who hope to eventually open for The Shins (like Eugene Mirman did), appear in New Pornographers videos (like David Cross has) or play rock festivals (like Aziz Ansari has). Cross, Mirman and Ansari did not get into comedy for these perks. But just like the '80s hacks eventually wanted to be big-name stars, there is great danger that the downtown scene will be flooded by hipsters whose goal is to play Pitchfork's Intonation Festival, not to develop an act. Hopefully these fauxhemians won't namedrop indie bands and literary works to please the Buddy Holly glasses set - much like the Chips and Skips of the '80s dressed sharp and did celebrity impressions to remind talent scouts that they were Hollywood material.


The mainstream comedy world could get overrun by frat boys who want more MySpace friends than Dane Cook. Aggressively marketing themselves online, they might have millions of friend requests, videos on the YouTube front page, spots at Madison Square Garden - everything but a fully developed voice and perspective.


2) All That Tech Fuel Might Backfire

Television sparked the boom and killed it. More and more people went to clubs to see their favorite TV comedians, more and more new comedians got on TV, more and more people went home to watch the hottest club comedians.

The primary reason is simple: Comedy isn't pretty. Even the most pedestrian video-sharing sites like YouTube can be the perfect platform for isolated bits.

``It just works very well on different types of screens,'' said Mitchel Fried, senior vp promotion and marketing at Comedy Central. ``Whether you see Artie Lange on a 20-foot screen or your phone or your iPod, it doesn't matter, he's funny. And stand-up in particular, it's just one body there. You don't need a landscape.''


The ability to see comedy on cell phones, iPods, computers and televisions can lead to even more saturation than there was before. This will probably hurt the club scene more than the alternative comedy scene (which tends to have free shows anyway).

The Internet also makes it easier for wannabes to flood the marketplace and gain exposure, putting up their comedy videos online. This could mean more Ethel Mermans putting out more garage disco.

One Major Difference That Might Prevent Another Bust

Back then the easiest way for a hack to start the trajectory to getting a movie deal was to start at an open mike with a list of shitty Chicken McNugget jokes. Now, those who want their own TV show will start off on YouTube. Those who want to be movie stars will try to pimp themselves on iFilm. This means, even though we should still be wary of the posers who want to use comedy as a backdoor to MySpace fame or a Sub Pop deal that will give them instant indie cred, we can at least be sure that, unlike many of the boom comics, comedians new and old, funny as well as insipid, mainstream (Larry the Cable Guy) and indie (David Cross), see telling jokes as an end in itself.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Epic Movie: A Blog Office Bomb of Epic Proportions

Here are some blog reviews I culled from Technorati.

Watching this movie is the Hollywood version of looking at a scrapbook of the worst, most embarrassing moments of your life, and both feature some guy who isn’t Borat going “Niiiiice” -Alex Blagg, Best Week Ever Blog

Yes, the public's capacity for urine jokes and kicks to the crotch proved endless -- or, if not endless, then worth $19.2 million -- as Epic Movie dominated the box office in, uh, epic fashion.-Patricia Chui, Cinematical

The degeneration of America continues as Epic Movie tops the charts.-Donkey Sosa

Playing the Teddybears in your promo guarantees the work sucks (Epic Movie,"Bones"). If you need an actor or writer for Space Movie or any future spoofs, I'm available.-Mo Diggs, Mo!

Monday, January 29, 2007

Diesel Sweeties Likes Hippies Better Than Hipsters


As do I.

Apiary Says: Say Something Nice!

Apiary takes the opposite route of most comedians and tries to be funny and nice simultaneously in their segment "Say Something Nice." This week: say something nice about dead champion racehorse Barbaro.

NOTE: I made the unforgivable typo and "said something nice" as Mo Sigga not Mo Diggs.

The Office: Yuppie Comedy At Its Best?

I was kidding when I wrote this article about the fictional yuppie comedy scene. But I respect the shit out of "The Office." Unlike "Scrubs" or even the occasional "Colbert" episode, "The Office" has unhip songs like "My Humps." A-fucking-men. Since when was comedy hip?

You're Welcome

Hey LA Times

Recently you had an article about the LA alternative comedy scene. Very good in that you covered all the major alt shows. Too bad you spewed all that editorializing jizz on the story. Shecky says it best:

In thie piece, the regular clubs are the enemy-- The clubs have "rules and restrictions" (?), the comics only want a sitcom (horrors!) and the glasses clink too loudly. The alt venues are idyllic-- young, smart, idealistic comedians mingle with sweet, young, hip patrons in an atmoshpere reminiscent of Paris in the 30s or San Francisco in 1956. Of course, the reality is somewhere in between, but that wouldn't make for very good copy.

I guess Jen Kirkman's (one of the comedians quoted in the article) true thoughts wouldn't make for good copy either:

I am just having a knee jerk reaction to my quote because out of context it sounds like something I'd have said at age 21 when I first started doing comedy...I told this crazy East coast alcoholic in my monologue that I didn't want to be on SNL because I already have a job not because I'm opposed to television.

I am definitely not anti-mainstream or opposed to the typical comedy career trajectory. In fact, I hope I'm lucky enough to have it.


There you have it: even one of the alt-comics you covered (an excellent one by the way with an album coming out on my birthday) thinks you're being more hyperbolic than a coked-up WWE writer.

My take: did you want to talk to some club owners or club comics? No, that's like (gum snap) toooootally bo-ring. Why would you want to interview the people you indiscriminately malign? That would be awk-ward! This is the new age in which snarky 'tude is all the rage and asking tough questions from the people who are too unhip for the room is sooo 60 Minutes.

Here's a new scene I discovered in NY.


Young Urban Punchlines

by Mo Diggs

Did you hear the one about the underground comedy scene that went bust? Probably not; it wasn't mainstream enough for you. As the evil scenesters' necrotic tissue decomposes a new comedy scene is developing: Yuppie comedy.

More and more comedians and comedy fans are tired of the hipster scoffs and anti-humor of the alt scene; they just want jokes. While most alt-comics dream of advancing to performance art or playing Coachella, the yuppie comedians simply want to tell - and hear - jokes.

Away from the trendy cabarets and performance spaces, yuppie comics tell jokes at various midtown Starbucks. "We like it because it reminds us of the show 'Friends'," says Trevor Van Nilla, host of the yuppie comedy show "Central Perk."

As opposed to the surrealism and anarchy of the downtown scene, these comics tell jokes about how annoying that lady in accounts payable is. Or how gentlemen's clubs charge too much for lap dances. You know, stuff that working people - not smug, trust fund douchedrops - can relate to.


See how manipulative that article was? Shoving great comics like Doug Benson and Eugene Mirman underneath some lazy, blanket stereotype? Valorizing a bunch of comedians for what they stand for rather than what they actually say? Here's the truth: many alternative comedians and club comedians are friends. The Greg Giraldos hang out with the Liam McEneanys. The Patton Oswalts shoot the shit with the Lisa Lampanellis. Apparently, the Jen Kirkmans even run into the lazy journos.

Sarcasting: The Future of Podcasting

Check it: RG Daniels has a new sarcast, including a wacky montage and an interview with Maddog Mattern.

Friday, January 26, 2007

The '80s Tragedy Boom

We all know about the stand-up comedy boom. But does anyone remember the tragedy boom?

Before the '70s, people told depressing monologues at coffee houses and cafes. But when Marty Stevens became a regular on Sunday Morning Taped, he played to sold out arenas all over the country. Fans particularly enjoyed his catchphrases ("I'm a tame and normal guy," "Excuuuuse you?"). He often gave a very stirring account of how he survived an arrow through his head.

Tragedy clubs began opening all over the country during the '80s with names such as The Tear Factory, Blubbers and The Tragedy Hole. Though some legends came out of this (William Robins, with his mellow range of multiple depressed personalities), hacks began to flood the scene with cliches (how airplane food is a depressing substitute for a home-cooked meal, the irreconcilable differences between men and women, how Indians are pushing white males out of 7-11 jobs, thus slowly taking over the service economy). As tragedy clubs became ubiquitous and tragedy specials flooded the cable channels, in the '90s people turned to grunge music for gloom and doom.

This led to the alternative tragedy movement in LA and New York but nowadays tragedy clubs are also experiencing a resurgence. The salient difference this time around is the shocking nature of the stories. On any given night a "cringe crying" tragedian is likely to cry while talking about AIDS, rape or Chinese people. Night zoo shows like Stan Howard have politically incorrect white men emoting about how much they hate towel heads or how ladies give unenthusiastic blow jobs. But mainstream tragedy reached its peak in the '80s. Waaaah!

The Top Internet Comedy Celebrities According to Forbes

Forbes has a list of the top Internet celebrities. I sorted the funny ones out for you.

Ze Frank: The
only one on the list actually featured in The Web Celeb 25 (at #11). Though some episodes of The Show have lame dick jokes, to paraphrase Rilo Kiley, when he's on, he's really fucking on.



Ask a Ninja: Like all the others on this list besides Ze, Ask a Ninja is featured in the fictional stars section. A ninja answering e-mails sounds an awful lot like the next character's schtick.



Strong Bad: Before Ask a Ninja, The Brothers Chaps were selling and distributing their own merchandise. Only Eugene Mirman can match the anarchic wordplay and warped logic of Strong Bad.

Master Chief: Though Red vs. Blue is the more popular machinima, I prefer The Strangerhood. I'm also a hairy vagina who occasionally enjoys playing The Sims.


Leeroy Jenkins: That whole thing in the header about the Internet being one of the worst things to hit comedy ever. I'm only half-joking.


Previously: Valleywag's 12 Funniest People on the Internet.

No, You Can Be My Wingman Anytime

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Alternative Tragedy Night

I do not hate alternative comedy, but like anything (including alcohol, pot, sex and LSD) I can only have so much. Besides having my fill of the alt-trappings ('80s nostalgia, absurdism) the comedy itself can be a bit much. What if we transferred all that alternative hipness from laughter to tears? I propose an Alternative Tragedy Night at UCB. Or the PIT.

Alternative comedians tend to dress up like hipsters, wacky characters or wacky hipster characters.

Alternative tragedians dress up in their work clothes, realizing that life does not get better than freelance or temping.

Alternative comedians use bizarre, colorful non-sequiturs to make sure their comedy does not sound routine.

Alternative tragedians whine about the strangest things ("If we switch to alternative fuels, we might never see the day when cars fly.")

Alternative comedians use different kinds of media (PowerPoint, film, drawings).

Alternative tragedians use different kinds of medication (Wellbutrin, weed, Sizzurp).


Alternative comedians make references to indie rock and get laughs.

Alternative tragedians make references to indie rock...on the mixtape they just made.

Alternative comedians scoff at the two-drink minimum rule.

Alternative tragedians scoff at the two Xanex and alcohol rule.

Alternative comedians might not get exposure on TV but have a cult following on the Web.

Alternative tragedians have no exposure on TV or the Web because they joined a cult in West Virginia.

Alternative comedians play with the rules of comedy.

Alternative tragedians play with the rules of gravity.

Could the Cymbalta Commercial Be Better Than the Drug?

Whenever I feel sad, I think of the word "depression." When I think "depression," I think of this Cymbalta ad.



The music is more soothing than a cup of chamomile tea in an opium den. That plaintive piano, that elegant violin. This is what gets left out of the TiVo sieve, kiddies. Whenever I'm sad, this music acts as a blanket of self-pity.

But the secret weapon is the narration. Most of it is blah blah jibber jabber, but that fundamental metaphysical question: Where does depression hurt? About time someone asked. Philosophers have asked what makes us happy. Idiots!

Maybe if those people who were about to become suicide bombers saw this video they would change their minds. "I didn't know I can feel depression physically. No wonder my bum knee's been acting up again. Maybe their pain is my pain."


Even this dog gets it.




Whoever played this song needs to go on tour. A cursory glance at the YouTube comments will reveal that this track has a cult following. All he has to do is play this song and pass the opium Cymbalta around the room.

Side effects of liking the Cymbalta song include: compulsive Google searching for the artist who wrote this song, immediate loss of indie and/or street cred, temporary joke writer's block, pointless blog posts, dry mouth.

MySpace: The Parallel Universe of the Entertainment Blogosphere

MySpace art and entertainment blogs amuse me. First of all, MySpace calls a blog post a "blog." Riiiight. Secondly, the design is the diametrical opposite of TypePad. TypePad is for those who know Perl, CSS and all that. MySpace has bimbo and jock blogs. I will demonstrate the difference between how other blogs tackle culture and how MySpace blogs do it.


MUSIC


Usually a widely-read music blog is written by some smarmy hipster vagina quilt (I have the exceptions in my link list) who drones on about the latest buzz band, mocks said band in the following post and uploads a free mp3 from that band only to take it down a week later.

To get ahead in the MySpace music blog biz you need to give readers a CHANCE TO WIN A NEW ALBUM FROM SOUTHERN METAL BAND SALIVA!!!!!

ART AND PHOTOGRAPHY


Most art and photography blogs have these long-winded essays about networked performance, biotech and the "gamespace."

As of this writing the top art and photography blog on MySpace has photos of a Tennessee metal band's road equipment.


It ain't art until it's cranked up to 11!



CELEBRITIES


Your average celebrity blog has a snarky tone and breaking gossip about where Britney Spears shops and drops.

A MySpace celebrity blog has a white guy dressed as a "terrorist" (with a "chick" who has the "detonator"[smart move by the way]) asking who your favorite cartoon character is. Now that's a question the entertainment reporters are too squeamish to ask.


Are you accusing me of being a terrorist, a racist, or an asshole?




Oh and for that anonymous troll who's gonna write "this blog is not funny; MySpace blogs are funny," keep telling yourself that. No really, Erika wants you to check out her website because she thinks you're cute.

Technorati to Internet: Arizona Events = Stand-Up Comedy

According to blog search engine Technorati, "Arizona" and "events" are related tags for "stand-up comedy."



So that's what I've been doing wrong. All this time I've been playing that tired game of "big fish, small pond" in New York City. I should have been working the Tucson circuit with sharp zingers about The Gin Blossoms and Arizona Iced Tea. Thanks Technorati.

Wait, according to that screen grab, I have the second highest ranked stand-up comedy blog. Bullshit. Look at all these other stand-up blogs; almost all of them have higher ranks than I do. Man, Technorati is like the robot asking "What is love?" Except it doesn't have the balls (or as we call them in my hood, the "Arizona events") to ask.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Blog Comedy, Blog Pop

As this article shows, many mainstream comedians like Artie Lange and Dane Cook are using the Internet yet on every blog on comedy I don't see their names.

Thus I propose the terms blog comedy and blog pop. Terms like "alternative" and "indie" carry connotations of exaggerated superiority; an implication that the listener is above the masses. Whereas I pretty much just listen to whatever's on the blogs. Seriously. I'm not digging record crates at Cake Shop trying to find the most alternative comedian ever. All they ever have there are Firesign Theater records.



Seriously, is there a comedy blog that discusses Artie Lange and ignores Eugene Mirman? Or a music blog that prefers Nickelback to TV on the Radio? Find me these two blogs. Your reward will be sent in your offshore account in gold chocolate coins.

The Second Comedy Boom? Cocked Eyebrow?

Reuters has declared this the second, tech-fueled comedy boom. Or should we say... dot-comedy boom. What, someone's already told that joke?


``It just works very well on different types of screens,'' said Mitchel Fried, senior vp promotion and marketing at Comedy Central. ``Whether you see Artie Lange on a 20-foot screen or your phone or your iPod, it doesn't matter, he's funny. And stand-up in particular, it's just one body there. You don't need a landscape.''


It sure doesn't matter what screen I see him on. Get ready to have your mind blown:

In fact, many teens lately are more apt to know the names of such hot comedians as Brian Regan, Dane Cook and Frank Caliendo than what new music tops the charts.

Teenagers are more likely to know Brian Regan than Beyonce? That's what this article claims without even a sub-atomic shred of evidence. No wonder the New York Times has a Reuters feed.

I'm more popular than Akon. No wonder he's so lonely.

Friday, January 19, 2007

The 12 Funniest People on the Internet

Valleywag has a list of the 12 funniest people on the Internet. One of the people on the list is Bob Powers, author of the second most popular blog written by a comedian, Girls are Pretty. I've met him and I must say he's one of the nicest popular people out there.

For shits, giggles and suds, I'm gonna compare them to the top ten comedians on MySpace, the portal for dummies who don't know the Web. I also think oranges are juicier than apples. What?

Andy Samberg vs. Dane Cook [note: he's not on the list but he has a million friends so obviously he's number one]: From any angle (comedy nerd, nerd comedy, popularity) I think it's reaaaaally obvious that Samberg's the winner here. Employee of the Month tanked while "Dick in a Box" is still on everyone's lips...as a word-of-mouth phenomenon. Plus Dane Cook's recent MySpace hissy fit makes Samberg the ruler of mainstream Internet comedy.


He made a video called "Dick in a Box," I'm making one called "Dildo in a Box." How is that not different, bro?


Violent Acres vs. Carlos Mencia: Slight edge to the Violent Acres blog. Carlos Mencia is everything comedy shouldn't be: hackneyed, mean-spirited, counterfeit. Here's a sample of his Internet comedy.




Did you know you can smash a microphone against your forehead?


Skot vs. Katt Williams: Congrats to Skot but I gotta go with Katt Williams. I just agree with his philisophy "Enjoy your life." Most comics (myself included) like to bitch. Refreshing attitude.


You gangbangin' on bacon?


Ze Frank vs. Brock Baker: Ze Frank. Any questions? Class dismissed.

Brad Neely vs. Nick Swardson: Nick Swardson is what Dane Cook should be: smart dude/bro comedy.




What if that's your thing?



Iggy Pop's Roadie vs. The Tenderloins:
Outsider humor (like outsider art, humor that is done by amateurs) is the slithery, ferocious predator of all that is contrived and prepared. Big win for roadies: getting laughs and blowjobs since 1955.

David Malki vs. Jim Gaffigan: Gotta go with the Gaff. You heard me.


Here's electricity


Matthew Baldwin vs. Owen Benjamin:
After seeing this video Owen Benjamin's my hero.




It is sad.


Gabriel Delahaye vs. Pablo Francisco: Gabe by default. Pablo Francisco is the hackiest cornball in recorded history.


Daniel Radosh vs. VooDooWop:
VooDooWop, whom I've never heard of until today.





Ryan North vs. Brian Posehn: Brian Posehn, lord of the nerds (Patton is king of the nerds).

Bob Powers vs. Barets and Bareta: Obviously I prefer Bob Powers but I gave Barets and Bareta a Belushi Award for Unfunniest Viral Video of '06.

BIG WINNER: Though the Valleywag list and the MySpace list each have six wins, a tie-breaker is impossible so I'll weigh the votes for the Valleywag list. None of the choices made me bristle like the douchebags on MySpace. Congrats Valleywag and all those who got annointed.

Hey Muslim Protesters...

Stop whining about "24." I've been writing this blog for a little over a year without writing about Islam or about myself. Well times have changed and Muslim protesters have opted to protest "24." Not terrorism, (which I vehemently oppose as an Arab-American who was raised Muslim), not the Iraq War (which I vehemently oppose as an American leftist) not even the decline of American values under Bush or Islamic values under the fundamentalist imams. No, please, I insist, let's cry about cartoons and TV shows.

Olbermann and the Muslim groups don't get it yet do they? "24" always does this. They start roping in the bigots who hate Muslims like my Mom or Arabs like me. Then by the eighth hour some white boy conspiracy is revealed.


Nobody knows, indeed.


But even if the Muslim terrorists were the bad guys...what do you suggest as a serious alternative? Pretend there are no Muslim terrorists? Perhaps "24" should go all the way and pretend all Presidents are outstanding individuals? That the detainment of innocent Muslims should go unquestioned?

"The overwhelming impression you get is fear and hatred for Muslims," said Rabiah Ahmed, a spokeswoman for the Washington-based Council on American-Islamic Relations. She said Thursday she was distressed by this season's premiere. "After watching that show, I was afraid to go to the grocery store because I wasn't sure the person next to me would be able to differentiate between fiction and reality."

I assume this means the woman was wearing a hijab. Interesting because the Koran says nothing about wearing a hijab so she wants the attention. And incidentally, does she really feel there are people out there who were previously ambivalent towards Muslims but now have an axe to grind after watching "24"?


Ambivalent White American: What's on the news? Lemme see here..."Muslim Cleric Calls Death to America?" Ah, whatever. Wait turn up the TV Lois. Huh, Kumar is holding a family hostage? That's it. I shall dress like a beast. A vengeful marauding beast hellbent on striking terror in the hearts of Muslims everywhere. From this day forth I shall be known as...The Crusader! Nya-haha!


Look I am an atheist but my mom is Muslim and she is a good person who opposes terrorism. I am not against Muslims. But just like I can both love my country and denounce the PresiDunce of the United States, I can respect most peaceful Muslims and say without the slightest quark of circumspection that these protests are dumber than a kangaroo in a boxing match.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Could This Season Be the Most Unintenionally Funny Season of "24" Yet?

Between Kumar



Hey Rold, think they'll bring me back when the "24" clock is 4:20?


that Ghostbusters II/Aly McBeal dude



I was also in a Bobby Brown video.


moustache man



I get the wood for my moustache pencil from this tree.




and that whole Count Jackula scene




the answer is yes.



I died and became an insurance salesman to make room for Kumar and SkinnyStash? Bullshit!

Hey Pundits

Shut your fly catchers about "24." Keith Olbermann is the Edward R. Murrow of our generation. Or he was until he decided to give a shrill, apoplectic tirade denouncing "24" - one of my favorite shows - as fear-mongering propaganda that advocates torture. Yes we are living in Orwellian times, which is why a man of Olbermann's stature should know better than to stare down a fictional super agent/vampire.


Jackula's Backula


The right-wing chickenhawk neocons add a dollop of creepiness to the hysteria. That porkpie-hat-wearing-pig-fucker Matt Drudge decided it wasn't enough to reveal the biggest spoiler in television history, but he also had be the mouthpiece for a Fox source implying that the "24" shocker would wake the nation up.

"Time to wake the country up!" a top FOX source told the DRUDGE REPORT over the weekend. "I do not think there has ever been TV done like this, the viewer is going to be completely riveted."

Because 9/11 and the color-coded alerts weren't enough to keep us terrified. Maybe this time we'll get the message and we'll realize that it's dangerous out there. Perhaps we can maybe watch "24" while we are cooped up? Just a thought.

I wonder what these pundits would say about other shows.

According to Jim




Keith Olbermann: Even if "24" is Fox's way of scaring people, at least it increases awareness. "According to Jim" aims to keep our nation bedraggled in a pool of its own idiotic slobber. The show has no ostensible political stance but its assumptions speak volumes. Whites stick with whites, minorities are rarely seen and nobody seems to mind the current state of affairs. Plus, Belushi is such a man's man, with his googolplex of football references. And look fat guys, you too can snag a hot babe. "According to Jim" is a witless sitcom that teaches apathy, complacency and poor mating choices for our already devolving species



Deal or No Deal




Matt Drudge: A show about people nervously having suitcases opened and awaiting surprises? Have these idiots not heard of suitcase nukes? This show promotes a very lax attitude towards terrorism. Besides, any show that attracts black viewers should make red-blooded American conservatives skeptical.






American Idol





Al Gore: This show sucks.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Online Comedy Channel Boom

College Humor gives us the Michael Showalter Showalter

and Super Deluxe premieres. Here's my personal favorite.




Think you're funnier? Upload a video. Your video might be featured next to Eugene Mirman's and Fark TV's videos. In other news Fark is doing comedy.

Dane Cook Bullies Alex Blagg

Dane Cook bullies Alex Blagg in an awesome jock versus nerd megaflame war.
Short of it:

1) Alex Blagg makes a few snarky comments about Dane Cook on Best Week Ever blog
2) Dane Cook writes a reply.



you wish you were Dane Cook and that’s one of your problems. your an elitist dolt with nothing but a crappy unfunny bio. Or as we call you “alt”...
THAT is your legacy. Think about those words Alex Blagg. THAT is what your name has earned.

Alex Blagg rightfully calls Crook out as a joke thief.

In fact I would have replied to him by switching around the words to his reply and calling it my comeback much like Dane Cook switches the words to other people's jokes around and calls them his jokes.


you wish you were Alex Blagg and that’s one of your problems. your an elitist dolt with nothing but a crappy unfunny bio. Or as we call you “alt”

if i am AB or not doesn’t really matter. i got into your head and thats all i wanted. once you start posting your jealous “remarks” .. and in forums it is not just your private opinion anymore. So not everyone that reads it thinks your an adorable heavy set treat with your witty quips. I demur that position you take sir.

my remark lets see — well — is you’re a nobody douche with low self esteem that wishes he could contribute anything to this world so how do you do it? Hmmm I guess your a critic of people? That is your new title DC the critic of people! How does that pay when you’re not working at the kinkos or is it home depot?

your parents must me so proud. Let’s call them together and tell them about your latest post!

I look forward to your reply. I wager you sit writing and re-writing for well over an hour. Heart pounding trying to think of the perfect phrase or wording to get back at me at someone you dont know at all but you are great at that right? How can you take down someone that gave you the opportunity to speak at all? Go ahead sweetness write back with your well oiled quips — call a friend maybe they will help write it. Or better yet do what you ALWAYS do and take out your lack of worth on Alex Blagg and others that work hard, contribute and get their goals — the ones that CAN’T FIGHT YOU because they are too busy and have too much to do to even notice you.

You would never in a million blogs say anything to anyones face you scared kitty. i bet my eyes on it.

Man think about your mom and dad. Fuck they must wish they had a son that was worth something more than a blogging hater. Don’t worry Dane you’re not the only one who is getting this treatment from me. See you’re not that special even in bs like this. I just love turning the hard light on some of you bitter pills.

THAT is your legacy. Think about those words Dane Cook. THAT is what your name has earned.

I am a Guest on the Meathead Diaries



I'm not sure what I'm being interviewed about, all I know is that it's not safe for work. At all.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Prolly won't blog every day

Look guys I know you've been loyal readers but truth is I got a lot of projects.
1) Work is getting crazy
2) I write two other blogs (this one and this one)
3) After a year of open mikes I got my first legitimate comedy spot at a bar in Williamsburg. Yikes.
4) I'm kinda sort of writing a YouTube script

PLEASE GET AN RSS FEED FOR THIS BLOG. I WILL DEFINITELY BLOG AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK.
SIMPLE GET A FREE BLOGLINES ACCOUNT AND ADD THIS BLOG.

Sorry for the caps. It just feels less sincere without them. Oh and please check out my other blogs. Peac-ers.

Friday, January 12, 2007

One Year Anniversary of Mo! the Blog

One year ago, I wrote my first post on this blog. The only difference was the URL. Design, concept, etc. were pretty much the same. A year ago I cracked wise about cute hipster videos as well as Pitchfork.

I know, barf. Anyway thanks for reading my blog and linking to me. You know who you are. Here's a retrospective of the best moments from the past year.


The Decline of Porn (1/26/06)


How it Feels to be 30 (2/6/06)


Arctic Monkeys Get Pushed Out By High School Musical (3/3/06)

Open Letter to Sharon Stone (3/9/2006)

Alternative Universe (4/10/06)

How Punk Became a 30 Year Old MySpace Creep (7/1/06)

Hot Rock Genres (8/10/2006)


A Guide to Geeks, Nerds, Dorks and Herbs (9/3/06)

The Top 40 Blogs By and For Comedians (9/12/2006)


Puppet Chic (9/13/2006)

Hey SuFiHeads (11/10/06)

The Future Rebranding of VH-1 (1/10/07)

Idiocracy: Funniest Film Comedy of '06

Forget Little Miss Sunshine or Borat. Idiocracy is so good it changes the way I look at the world. It's inspiring and depressing. Inspiring because of the satire; bleak because of its depressing message. The story is about an average-intelligence guy who wakes up in 2505 to a world full of idiots and garbage. People who are even slightly smarter are called "faggots."

Here's the classic intro from the director of Office Space.



Unlike most satires, Idiocracy is not above dick jokes. Of course Judge is mocking people who only get broad comedy, but he also belongs to the tradition of Rabelais and Swift, both of whom were just as adept at lowbrow humor as well as highbrow.

The movie might be a little preachy, but for Hollwood - the town that honors the Forest Gumps and Dane Cooks of the world - it's not a cliched message: get your shit together, planet Earth. This message inspired me in many ways.

See I'm an Arab and an American. The two cultures cannot be more diametrically opposed. Arabs are mostly Muslim, Americans Christian. Most Arabs, being Muslim, frown down on alcohol. Most Americans love alcohol. Most Arabs are stereotyped by Americans as being humorless, austere and smelly. Most Americans are stereotyped by Arabs as decadent, imperialistic and vain. But both cultures are run by frighteningly stupid, militaristic autocrats that have no love for their constituents and threaten to take away more freedoms every day. So these two opposing cultures have one thing in common, which must mean it is true for the human race: Humans are evolving into a warmongering, angry and obstinate species that has long ago abandoned reason as something that "faggots" resort to. Of course, I'm a stupid human, what do I know?

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Nothing Funny About Comedy: How Teenagers Have Ruined Funny Films

This section is where I give serious essays on comedy.

My Taiwanese-American friend Mike and I went to a theater once to see a movie. There were loud teenyboppers yelling into their cell phones. Mike said "I gotta leave this theater," so we left. David Denby of the New Yorker recently wrote an article on how the multiplex experience is getting bad even for Hollywood studio heads. The article mentions cell phones. If he had courage he would have specifically blamed the teenyboppers on their mobile phones.

Cars was the highest-grossing comedy of '06. The top live-action comedy was Talladega Nights.Pretty funny, but neither Borat nor Little Miss Sunshine are on the list. Worst of all, there were three more computer-animated cartoon comedies beating it: Ice Age, Happy Feet and Over the Hedge. Even Seinfeld, who once said in Rolling Stone that comedy isn't ready for the movies, has decided to act in only one feature: Bee Movie, a computer-animated film.

You and I hate the glut of these films
. But what do teenyboppers have to do with the success of these films? Surely teenagers aren't the ones seeing Ice Age - families are. That's my point: teenagers have been so obnoxiously loud on their cell phones before and during the films that people are avoiding teen and adult comedies like the plague. Studios insist on marketing to teens. Why? Teen comedies have flopped one after the other. Remember Accepted, anybody? No. That's why the American Pie sequels are moving to DVD; teens are busy watching Nick Cannon films while fatigued, ruddy-faced fathers let out relaxed sighs at the latest computer-animal revue.

Kids are just as noisy as teens, of course, but teens go to the movies themselves more and more, especially with GPS-equipped cell phones ensuring their parents can check up on them without hearing that dreadful tinny emo music. However most parents don't drop off their small children at the movies. Thus parents prefer to take the family to kids' movies with children only as opposed to teen films where they might run into some delusional suburban brat who thinks he's gonna make the draft pick for Dipset.



In the '80s some of the greatest blockbusters were teen/college comedies. Ferris, Revenge of the Nerds Back to the Future . Now we toss Dane Cook films at the multiplex like burnt French fries at overfed seagulls. When they don't stick we wonder why.

So what's the future of comedy blockbusters in the movies? Not on the iPod or on the PC or the TV; I don't want to derail here. In the multiplex, what will bring in the laughsmoney? Night at the Museum was number one last week. It's a live action film about museum figures coming to life. So it had better be a family comedy with a few ironic asides for the adults. Oh, and if you see my friend Mike looking relaxed on the line for the movie, you know you've got a solid gold comedy hit.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Check Out My Bollywood Filmography

on A Special Thing.

Acoustic and Electric: Awkward

Hilarious College Humor article about a conversation between an acoustic and electric guitar.

The Future Rebranding of VH-1

A little over 20 years ago, VH-1 was the smooth yacht rock version of MTV. For most of this decade VH-1 was the washed-up '80s star network. But now after the phenomenal success of "Flavor of Love," it looks like, between "Ice T's Rap School," "I Love New York" and "The White Rapper Show" that debuted on Tuesday VH-1 is becoming the forty-year old suburban housewife trying to be down.

Hey VH-1, cool it. I like you the way you are. Seriously. I love the Best Week Ever blog. I love the lists. Why you trying to be something you're not? Of course one measly North African-American blogger's opinion won't change a thing so here are the future manifestations of the most chameleonic cable channel in broadcasting history.

2009: VH-1 gives music video suggestions for places to eat Pan-Asian cuisine on your iPhone.



2013: Using quantum physics your thoughts become music videos, which explains why remembering to get Pledge is a Video Flashback.

2018: Biotech is all the rage and a bunch of human/animal chimeras live in a house. The show is called "The Surreal Lifeforms."


2024: VH-1 plays energetic, stirring street music from the oppressed lunar colonies of Titan.

2037: VH-1 converts to Buddhism after it realizes that it is only an ephemeral illusion and becomes transparent (representing nothingness), then reflective (representing self) and the world is enlightened. The Saturnian god Yrgar sounds his clarion call and VH-1 takes the "VH" off its logo. Mo Rocca is speechless.

Generic Hollywood Blockbuster Comedy iPod Shuffle Meme

(from my post on A Special Thing)

I love iPod Shuffle memes. I made this one for the soundtrack to a Generic Hollywood Blockbuster Comedy.

Rules:

1)Match the shuffled songs in sequence to the category.
2)Do not skip tracks. Include all songs (podcasts and comedy shows are understandable exceptions.)


Categories:

1)Opening credits
2)Obligatory xbox 360 male bonding scene
3)Love of your life walks in
4)Friend says "dude you love her/him;" you pointlessly deny it
5)Obligatory pothead friend scene
6)You see your love with asshole boyfriend/girlfriend
7)Meet girl's/guy's rich parents
8)Girl/Guy inexplicably thinks you are an asshole for some lame reason
9)Obligatory animal pot smoking scene
10)Catch Asshole cheating on girlfriend/boyfriend
11)Fight asshole
12)Kiss girl/guy
13)Stoner kisses dog
14)End credits



My Generic Blockbuster Soundtrack

1)Opening credits ("Hey Mama," Kanye West) full of Super 8s, I'm sure
2) Obligatory Xbox 360 male bonding scene ("Deh Pon Dem," Soulletes) Reggae=reefer
3) Love of your life walks in ("The Man Comes Around," Johnny Cash) Haha
4) Friend says "dude you love her;" you pointlessly deny it ("Different Names for the Same Thing," Death Cab for Cutie)
5) Obligatory pothead friend scene ("Slippi," Animal Collective) Very appropriate
6) You see your love with asshole boyfriend ("L'Arena," Ennio Morricone [Kill Bill Soundtrack]) Showdown scene
7) Meet girl's rich parents ("Oh Valencia,"Decemberists )
8) Girl inexplicably thinks you are an asshole for some lame reason ("The Guy on the 14th floor," The Manhattan Love Suicides)
9) Obligatory Animal Pot Smoking Scene ("Love and Happiness," Al Green)
10) Catch Asshole cheating on girlfriend ("Such Great Heights," Postal Service)
11) Fight asshole ("Ones," Islands) "My mouth, my eyes, my ears, my nose, oh oh"
12) Kiss girl ("The Hand That Feeds, " Nine Inch Nails [DFA Remix]) Hate kiss as prelude to hate fuck?
13) Stoner kisses dog ("Feng Shui," Gnarles Barkley)
14) End credits ("Sofa No. 2," Frank Zappa)

Monday, January 08, 2007

As Long as He Stops Singing...

I'm OK.

Gates Announces Interconnected Home

"As the magic of software makes it easier for people to be creators, publishers and consumers of digital content, it is expanding the way we think about community and entertainment,” Gates said. “From your living room to your car, we’re delivering a wave of new software products and services that make it easier for you to manage your day-to-day lives, express your ideas and share your interests."

Now you can hear this laugh anywhere (1:44). Man does that warm my cockles!

The First Annual Jim Belushi Unfunny Awards

The Belushi for Least Funny Song of '06: "What if God Had a MySpace?"

MySpace comedy died in late '05. And Joan Osborne? Come the fucking hell on, man! Are we going to do Sponge parodies next? Unless you are Weird Al, you should really stay away from parodies. This songwriter is way too amused with the premise of God having a MySpace. If God had a MySpace, he'd probably smite it with holy terror and make Last FM instead.





The Belushi for Least Funny Viral Video of '06: "Completely Uncalled For"


For all the 2.0 hype of geek chic and how important geeks are becoming, meatheads and bros are actually the dark horses of the user generated universe. Just when you thought knock-knock jokes couldn't get less funny.



The Belushi for Least Funny Movie of '06: Benchwarmers

I thought "Grandma's Boy" was OK and Nick Swardson's performance in this was decent, so please leave me alone, Swardson fanboys. This is the opposite of the above viral video. While the latter tries too hard to play to the nosebleed seats at the intramural lacrosse game, Benchwarmers spawned a new genre: geek chic poser comedy. Every other line is "OMG! Are you kidding? Nerds love Star Wars!" Or "OMG! Nerds love AD&D!" Nerds also like good writing.

The Belushi for Least Funny Show of '06: "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip"

We all knew "S60" and "30 Rock" would be somewhat different. Who knew how much? Ever since "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" TV writers have equated "rapid-fire smarty talk" with "funny." Namedropping Sid Caesar and W.S. Gilbert will only get you far in understanding a Dennis Miller concert. But worse than the lame attempts at Howard Hawks Fridayspeak is the walk and talk. It sounds dumb, but "walk and talks" are the province of medical soap operas. Or White House dramas like "The West Wing." In a comedy the walking is distracting. With jokes this weak it just makes the actors look more nervous. My two quid: Have the characters sit down and say the least intellectual things possible. Like "Hardball with Chris Matthews." Now that's a funny show.

The Belushi for Least Funny Stand-Up of '06: Carlos Mencia

Nothing wrong with being edgy. Nothing wrong with race humor. But shrill, mean-spirited aggression is where I draw the line. Just like Louis CK gets respect in both cringe and alt-comedy circles, Carlos Mencia gets no love anywhere but on Comedy Central and MySpace. According to George Lopez and Joe Rogan, he steals jokes. Trivia: if you Google "Mind of Mencia," it says "Did you mean 'Chappelle's Show?'"

The Belushi for Least Funny Improv Group of '06: Wild'n Out Cast



This is the worst extreme of improv: when comedy becomes a sport. The network that gave us "The State" also gave us this Nick Cannon monstrosity. While we're at it, why the hell is Nick Cannon famous? Has a male ever gotten so far in life based on looks alone? As far as I can tell, the only thing he's good at is crying.




The Belushi for Least Funny Website of '06:
Ebaum's World

Beyond stealing from other sites, Ebaum's World is like "America's Funniest Home Videos" without Bob Saget. In a world with YouTube and College Humor, sophomoric drivel like this is more obsolete than a Peter Gabriel CD-ROM. Here's a description of a "hilarious" video: "This skater wipes out then whines like a little girl." Worst of all is the stand-up section. One comic actually says the only reason us men have sex with you ladies is to cum. Then why do we masturbate? Only a site like this can brag about having the Worst Videos of '06.


The Big Belushi for Unfunniness in '06: Michael Richards



Jokes are one thing. Even outbursts. But a livid rant on how blacks should be lynched is out of whack. Richards was obviously trying to antagonize the audience Andy Kaufman-style. Kaufman, like the Beatles, though great, spawned the awful genres of art-comedy and art-rock respectively. There's still those words, Mister Richards. But at least we got rid of those laughs.

ALSO: The Funniest of '06

Friday, January 05, 2007

Parents: Take Your Kids to R-Rated Movies

A.O. Scott says in the NY Times that CGI animated films are limiting children's imagination: they need to be exposed to the movies parents want to see as well. Couldn't agree more. When I was eight, my mom and my grandma took me to see Beverly Hills Cop. My grandma loved Eddie Murphy. Never mind that my Turkish grandma couldn't understand English; she loved the funny faces he made. So Beverly Hills Cop was my first R-rated film. In it, I saw tits for the first time. Of course I walked out thinking it was the best film ever. Plus I never heard "fuck" used so much in a movie before. Having no father figure at the time, Eddie Murphy was an awesome two hour substitute who taught me to love tits, say fuck and taste cocaine to see if it's real.



Of course, there was that time when I went to see Boomerang with my mom, my grandma and my stepdad when I was 16. That sex scene with Eddie Murphy and Robin Givens made me feel awkward, though my grandma laughed. Uh, you know what? Stay away from Eddie Murphy films, including Shrek.

Uh, I Was Gonna Have Lunch

Maybe I will lose the weight this year after all. Judging from the vomit on my keyboard, bulimia will help me do it.

"I Love New York" Full 1st episode Available

Remember "Flavor of Love?" One of the contestants got her own spin-off. It leaked on YouTube today. One thing I was mistaken about was that the show would suck because no one could be a bigger drama queen diva bitch of a contestant than New York. Take it back: men in general are a bunch of eyebrow tweezing, chest waxing, eye clawing soap opera bitches. Witness Act 2 at around 5:37.



via Crunk and Disorderly

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Nothing Funny about Comedy: Crowdsourcing Comedy: The Alternative to Alternative Comedy

Note: Sometimes I write serious, opinionated pieces. Starting this year, I will call these editorials Nothing Funny about Comedy, to distinguish them from my lighter pieces.


Just as more people are turning to amateur bloggers and videographers for news, they are also going on YouTube and Flickr finding unintentional kitsch and amateur comedy. Amateur internet comedy is the new underground and, until we start crowdsourcing comedy to the lunar colonies on Titan, will probably remain the new place for edgy comedy.

Surely I am overreacting, right? Where's the evidence? Of course this is my opinion; I am not saying that more people are viewing Album Cover Wars than they are looking at the latest Variety Shac video (though this is probably true). What I am saying is that alternative comedy has lost its edge. By "edge," I mean its status as an alternative to mainstream comedy. I'm sorry, but I can't think of one decent "alternative" comedian that hasn't been snatched up by a corporation. Aziz Ansari and friends are on MTV. Paul F. Tompkins has a steady job at VH-1. Neil Hamburger is a favorite on Jimmy Kimmel. This was the case back then, of course, but with the web, many of these amateur comedians keep delivering their unique brand of comedy without leaving their bedrooms, let alone partnering with Comedy Central. This guy just wants to make funny faces, regardless of whether he gets a gig at Rififi or not. Love him or hate him (may your pagan god forgive me, I hate him), he is the true alternative to sitcoms and midtown comedy clubs.



Just like any crowdsourcing story, online amateur comedy is cost-free. The creator doesn't charge, the viewer doesn't pay. Both the David Crosses and the Dane Cooks of the world get deals with HBO. Inevitably the edgiest alt-comic will get snatched up by AOL. Not necessarily so for Ask a Ninja.


Of course alternative comedy isn't dead. It just needs to change. What change is necessary? Let's look at Demetri Martin. Anyone who's seen his five-minute sets on Conan knows that he tells great one-liners.



When I saw his one-man show (Dr. Earnest Parrot Presents Demetri Martin), he told one-liners as well. But he also recounted some very serious life lessons and gave very earnest metaphysical ruminations. Indeed, when I think about the legends of stand-up, I remember Pryor and Carlin. Both of these comedians delivered stirring monologues betwixt dick jokes and fake commercials. Listening to Pryor especially, you'll notice that he often gets applause as well as laughter. These monologues work better with an audience hooting and clapping whereas they would fall flat on a podcast.





But doesn't this go against the grain of alternative comedy? Aren't speeches so over? For an eight minute set, sure. But the greats like Martin and Pryor deftly mixed sincerity and irony. Since the web is where people go for GI Joe parodies and bad album covers, irony is more omnipresent and inexpensive than ever. But I have yet to see a homebrew Mario YouTube with a reflective, somber moment. As long as comics alternative and mainstream wake up and realize that anyone can do disaffected irony but not everyone can challenge the status quo like Lenny Bruce once did, stand-up will be OK. As long as comedians focus less on being edgy and hip and more on being funny and poignant, they will succeed. David Cross and Louis CK still sell out clubs, don't they? Moral of the story: Haha ain't enough. You got to put the "a-ha" in "ha-ha."

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Iran: Making Western Pop Way Sexier Since 2007

Props to my boy Cibby from Ellipsoid and the Wandering Pocket for this incredible music video find. Check it: these Iranian ladies decided to take the clinically unsexy Snow video "Informer" and turn it into Shawarma's Angels. Yes, I think this is part of Ahmenijad's plan to turn all men into mindless sheep drooling in awe at the power Iran has to turn shitty '90's blue-eyed reggae cheese into trance-inducing gun porn.

Sonic the Hedgehog and Other Video Game Has-Beens

At one time Sonic the Hedgehog was considered the successor to Mario's throne but now, thanks to this video showing the glacial load times of Sonic for the XBox 360 , Sonic is the Tara Reid of video game stars. He's a sluggish, washed-up star. He has difficulty playing a three-dimensional character. He also has smaller tits than ever.



No video game character is more pathetic than Sonic. He makes Leisure Suit Larry look like Denzel Washington.


Leisure Suit Larry 9: Deja Screw


I could see Sonic at the bar with a few of his B-list video game star pals.




Uh, don't you think you're drinking too fast, Sonic?




Bullseye, Shin! Everyone on YouTube is talking about how fast I am!



Poor choice of words, Shinobi.



Sorry.(long pause) What are you thinking, Hog?



Know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that back then you and I were the kings of consoles, Shinobi. The emperors of entertainment. The lords of...



What about me?



First of all, you fucked up the alliteration and assonance, R.O.B. Third of all, you are not even a video game character. You were never the on-screen character in Gyromite. Know what your legacy is? Pressing the A-button! Oooh!



That and, how do you say-



Don't, R.O.B.-



I came with the Nintendo Entertainment System along with Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. Nobody remembers that, right, Sonic the Has-Been?



Are you trying to push my buttons S.L.O.B.? How quaint!



(Enter Mario)



Shit guys, don't look. Mario's here.



It's me, Mario!




Well if it isn't the missing Village Person with the mustache and the plumber's costume. The gay bar's across the street, Mari.



Sonic!



Please, I understand the animosity. I'm not here to match wits. I have a business proposal for you and Shinobi.




If it involves farting flames with your mushroom-popping loser of a brother, I'm on sabbatical.



Look, it's no secret that retro games are hot. I want to include you and Shinobi on Wii's Virtual Console



Great idea Mario. You and me together again like in the NES days! I always figured the Wii was missing a nunchuck-wielding robot. Sign me up!



Uh, sorry , no one told him I guess?



Allow me. The Wiimote is about more than just tapping buttons. It's about movement and... speed! Sign me and Shinobi up Mario.



But what about me?


3 MONTHS LATER



Since no one trusts me behind the nuclear button, I have hired a robot to do that job for me. Please welcome my new Secretary of Defense, Robotic Operating Buddy, or as I call him, Gyro. Heh heh.