Friday, August 24, 2007

Tricornered Hats Lead To Musket Wounds

And trucker hats lead to trailers. Not only do hipsters gentrify poor neighborhoods (diminishing the sphere of influence ethnic cultures have) but they also want to replace progressive New York culture with retro rural chic.

You'll have to pry this trucker hat from my cold, dead head

So trucker hats are fin, trailers are the craze.

By '08, trailers will be passe and guns will be hot, leading to homeless coke addicted hipsters with guns. Ironic redneck ghetto chic.

In '09, the KKK will be hip. The new KKK style will be white hoodies with lower-case KKKs emblazoned on them.

Canada, here I fucking come.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Remembrance of Videos Past #49: Guns N Roses, "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" (Live at the Ritz)"

I never liked the studio version of this song on Use Your Illusion II. This, however, is GN'R in all their ragged, coke-freeze glory.
A '90s era Guns song played during the Appetite days. Slash's solo here is like giving cunnilingus to a banana bread muffin. And the banter.

"You know what time it is right now?"

It's the one year anniversary of "Remembrance of Videos Past."

Here's a look back at all the others.

And here's the one year anniversary special.

So great watching the audience trying to get louder than Axl.


Black Crowes, "Thorn in My Pride"

Friday, August 17, 2007

Mundane Dream Journal: Dry Eyes

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I was on this Disney World ride with my friends. The ride was stopped while we were on it and this Asian gentleman with a blow out haircut stepped into the car we were in, offering to moisten our contact lenses. My friends declined, but I said sure. I expected him to put the eye drops in for me, but he made a nervous face implying I should do it myself. I tried to but I kept missing my eye.

He kept saying "Come on" until I woke up. Good thing -- I was late for work. This represents my repressed desire for the Burger King to be an Asian man.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Line Of The Millenium

"Bret Michaels Will Not Be Played!"-Bret Michaels, last night's episode of Rock of Love

Yeah, if you mean your solo album, Songs of Life.

I don't know why I watch Rock of Love. Suzanne Somers Bret Michaels is not as charismatic as Flavor Flav. The girls are not as unruly as Charm School's.

And every other song sounds like "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Seriously. I think one of them is called "Every Row Has Its Corn."

Every Bro Has His Porn

You're in your goddamned 40s Bret. How do you explain to your kids that their potential stepmother's crowning achievement was saying "I want some rocker ass" during a 30-second promo? I know it's embarrassing to work as a temp. Fuck it dude, join the Army. Be a special breed of Motorcycle Soldier. Keep it smoothed out on the Captain America tip and shit.

Or better yet, be Bush's brain; take Karl Rove's job. Be a "poison"-ous turd blossom.

Start a Rudyard Kipling book club.

Enter the Chinese toothpaste market.

Fuck it dude, just take some UCB sketch classes. You would bump David Cross in a rock musical with Yo La Tengo.

Anything but bitch and moan on VH-1 about a starfucker.

Yes, that's what he means by "I will not be played." Some woman is not there for him, but because he is a star.

The rest of them are not star fuckers however. Seriously, they never heard of you.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Things To Check Out

Cloverfield Tickets

Comix Two Year Anniversary Show

Michael Show V, Michael Ian Black

Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter will be the next participants in their ongoing experiment in improvisation. The dueling Michaels will go funny mano-a-mano in an improvised humor competition, to be posted on August 14, 2007.

The humor agon will go live at exactly 9 a.m. or so on August 14.

This Is Why I Brunch