Friday, January 04, 2008

Oprah vs. Chuck

The victories of Obama and Huckabee at the Iowa caucus may delude mainstream media outlets to believe that they are about to butt heads. But let’s cut the kerfuffle and get down to brass tacks; this is really a stand-off between Oprah Winfry and Chuck Norris. Who gets the brass ring? Let’s wheel out the wave pool and see which one floats.


Chuck
Phones answer to him.



Oprah
Eats phones and wheels out the excrement onstage for audiences to marvel at.


Chuck
Recycles bottles and cans with his forehead and takes whatever deposit he deems fit.


Oprah
Recycles the same book of the month all year round.


Chuck
Buys a falafel sandwich, dumps out the falafel, leaves “Norris droppings” in the falafel and sends it in a Christmas stocking wrapped in bacon to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.


Oprah
Kissed Ahmadinejad when he chewed bacon for her and spit it in her mouth.


Chuck
Literally kills at comedy clubs when he reads Neil Simon out loud.


Oprah
Literally cries in public when she imagines Obama whistling Paul Simon to himself


Chuck
Retrofitted his F18 so the seat is now a marble toilet

Oprah
Just gave free F18s with marble toilets to her audience




Who’s the big winner? Vote in the comments!

3 comments:

Jerell said...

Norris. You know there is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Got my vote.

Amye said...

I vote Oprah. Chuck Norris isn't going to give me a free car or Baked Lays.

DiSa said...

Oprah ftw.