Thursday, November 30, 2006

Chris Daughtry: Top Rock Album

On Billboard. Punchline: a Beatles compilation is at #2. Chris Daughtry, for those who don't know, was the bald rocker dude from American Idol. The man who did this dreaful cover of Live's version of Johnny Cash's "Walk the Line." Confused? He took a gem covered in shit already and pissed all over it. That gem is rock and roll.

Christopher Guest, I'm sorry, but Spinal Tap will never match the complete lack of self-consciousness and conviction in this video. It's like Barry Manilow is training him as his apprentice in suck and roll, honing this craptastically overwrought performance.

Remembrance of Videos Past #35: Belly, "Feed the Tree (Live on Letterman)"

Two funny things:

a)Though I am loathe to admit this, back then I thought this song was too wussy. As a sixteen year old who got excited about Body Count and the LA riots, I scoffed at pretty alternative pop like this Tanya Donnely-penned classic from 1992.

b) Letterman holds up a longbox.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Remembrance of Videos Past #34: Bryan Adams, "There Will Never Be Another Tonight"

After testing the waters, I see that music videos are still on YouTube. So I'm bringing this feature back.

I wish I had a more entertaining memory of this song but all I remember is being sixteen years old waiting for my mom and stepdad in the rental car with my grandma outside a Publix in Orlando, Florida.

Hippies vs. Hipsters

Hippies smelled bad, smoked dope and had nasty "free love." But at least they protested in the streets. What will protests do, you ask?

I confess I'm not sure but it's got to be better than what the hipsters are doing. Recap: Iraq is not as bad as Vietnam, but America is more fascist now than it was in the '60s. OK there was that whole civil rights thing. In fairness this fascism is less racist than that of the '60s. Americans of all religions and races are under scrutiny.

Once again, what are the hipsters doing? At best they are watching documentaries, bitching about copyright law on their blogs and making networked psychogeographical performances. Most of them are rolling their eyes at the fact that you just started liking Regina Spektor.

Always One FascistFoot on the Ground

Look, apathy is sooo '90s. Let's at least pretend we care about American fascism. Cuz right now hippies look cooler than you, hipsters. Observe:



Voice of the Hippies

Voice of the Hipsters

Hippie Accomplishments

Civil rights
Women's rights
Gay rights

Hipster Accomplishments

Well, they did play Regina Spektor on "Veronica Mars."

Monday, November 27, 2006

Hey Veronica Mars

Stop meeting new people and taking GHB. Not only does the new theme song suck major Dick Casablancas, but the show sucks. You worked with a great ensemble (Logan, Wallace, Weevil, Duncan Kane, Mac, your dad). Now you have all these new distractions like Piz.

Yes his name is Piz.

You Sure You Can't Snap a Piz's Neck and Get Candy?

And then we have that newspaper editor, Nish (is Rob Thomas running out of names? I don't think there's a Steve on "Veronica Mars"). I am a freelance contributor for mystery I'mnottelling newspaper and I promise no editor talks like that.

Nish? C'mon Now, Sugar.

Besides Veronica, aren't you in college? Smoke some grass. Maybe have an opium dream and solve crime like Johnny Depp in that shitty Alan Moore adaptation . Or make out with Ms. Napoleon Dynamite.


But do something radically different from what you've been doing. You can't pass/no credit a TV show.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Hey Poetry

Stay dead. Adrienne Rich has written a dull essay on how we need poetry.

She quotes Shelley's "Defence of Poetry," natch. Shelley also said:

To what but a cultivation of the mechanical arts in a degree disproportioned to the presence of the creative faculty, which is the basis of all knowledge, is to be attributed the abuse of all invention for abridging and combining labor, to the exasperation of the inequality of mankind?

Short of it: the more technology, the less poetry. Never mind that there is probably more poetry online for the world to read. But Rich doesn't take this into account. She doesn't even talk about Def Comedy Jam. Noooo, she is talking about snooty academic poetry.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe poetry is, how do you say, too fucking elitist? Even artists are having fun with video games. I have actually spent time with poets. I was a TA for a poetry professor (redundant, wouldn't you say) and you know what these professors poets do for fun? They have wine and cheese parties.

But I'm not asking you to drop the pinot, babe. Truth is, though there are many poems online, there are more blogs. And deep down inside, we all know that, for the past forty years, the majority of poems have been written by frustrated teenagers. So are LiveJournals. If blogging has killed print, it has cremated poetry and flushed it down the public university toilet.

LiveJournal Killed the Poetry Star

Perhaps it's impossible that modern poetry sucks right? Here's a sample of spoken word.

I'm sorry, I keep zoning that guy out. Can anyone in the comments tell me what that beatprik is saying?

via Largehearted Boy

PS: Those who say "But what about hip hop" need to stop listening to Jay Z and start listening to Nas.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Film Director Robert Altman Dead

I had a film director phase that lasted from 1997 till 2002, when I visited LA and realized it was every bit the disgusting Philip Marlowe novel it looked like in Altman's The Long Goodbye. The reason I wanted to be a filmmaker was Altman. Every home video I shot was full of his trademark zooms.

Robert Altman? Here's his wikipedia entry. But here's what that entry won't tell you.

Altman was perhaps Pauline Kael's favorite American director.

MASH was better than Dr. Strangelove as an anti-war satire.

Brewster McCloud is in The Hipster Handbook

Nashville is big in the alt-country community.

Watching his films will change your life. Right now you live your life like a regular movie in which you are the central protagonist and only conflicts pertaining to you matter. In Altman's films there's always an ensemble and the camera picks up overheard, improvised dialogue. Look at life as a series of conversational snippets. Indeed, this is the only way we can make sense of all that information on the web.

Here's a trailer for Altman's Nashville.

Robert Altman (February 20, 1925-November 20, 2006)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Hey MySpace

We gotta talk. I don't know how to say this...I think we need a break from each other. I remember the old days when we would go out and meet new bands, laugh at everyone else's ugly HTML design, check out a few comedians. Now all you do is whine about how you want me to check your sexy webcam. That and you keep wanting to drag me to all these shitty concerts from that ironic horror rap/metal band GraveBangers. No more event invitations please. We don't even talk anymore.

OK, I'm gonna have to go there and just say what we've all been saying: you're ugly. Do you know how much you fuck with my optic nerve when the words move and the background doesn't?

I know you're sad but I'm sure you'll find a shirtless guy showing pictures of himself drinking to make you happy. You got to admit though we need a break. I need my space.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Hey SuFi Heads

Fuck you. With a single middle finger. The analog finger. The antiquated 20th century finger. Even Bush isn't so stupid that he gives a super middle finger in honor of Admiral HackyYukYuk Dane Cook.

Dane Cook is like Jimmy Buffet with his loyal armada of parrotheads. But these SuFi heads are worse because they represent the culmination of the worst contribution of frat boys to comedy: beating a dead horse quicker than a date rape charge.

Remember when "I'm Rick James bitch" was actually funny? Neither do I. Borat is currently going through the fraternization process.

I like.
Very nice.
Wa wa wee wa.

So what if the frat boys are suing? The meatheads of the world will still make sure that every city runneth over with the sound of awful Kazakh accents. But the SuFi is worse because it is an imbecilic mutation of a previously timeless obscene gesture. Of course nobody actually has the intestinal fortitude to use this advanced bird in an actual confrontation. Who wouldn't make fun of such a chromosomally damaged specimen? It's a private joke for the Dane Cook fan club.

"Hey SuFi."
"SuFi to you kind sir. Lord Bertram Cockenberry III of Nottingham, I do presume?"

Just like hippies still follow the Dead, I predict that these SuFiheads will be all over the boardwalk of Atlantic City twenty years from now when Dane Cook does a show at Tropicana. Unless of course they're SuFickle.

Japanese: Funny Without Trying (Part II)

Only the Japanese would make a hamburger in honor of a legend from the halcyon days of K records twee pop. Introducing the Daniel Johnston Fried Egg Burger.

I'm glad they don't serve it with a Calvin Johnson milkshake.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

What's With All the Awesome News?

Borat Goes #1

Britney Shows K-Thug the Door

Dems Kick Ass

Ronald Dumsfeld Resigns (LGF link just so I can soak in the shaudenfraude of the Fascist Youth crying for their dear leader's departure)

Hannah Montana Stops
Barry Manilow From Reign of Terror

Apple Tells Mac-Man "Game Over"

Download Movies, Contra on Xbox 360

The Who Back in the Top Ten

This last bit of news is particularly awe-inspiring in light of the fact that this band wrote and performed "Won't Get Fooled Again." Up until today, the song has been resurrected as the theme for the inexplicably successful David Caruso vehicle "CSI: Miami." With Rummy out of the White House and the people taking to the polls to show Bush the middle finger

this song is more relevant than ever.

I'll tip my hat to the new Constitution indeed.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

What Beirut and Borat Have in Common

Besides awesomeness? "Borat" is one of the best films of the year and Beirut's "Elephant Gun" is one of my favorite songs of the year.

Today Miss Modernage revealed the hipster bohemian gypsy mindfuck of the fall season: "Siki Siki Baba" was in the "Borat" film as well as in this Beirut show at McCarren Pool this past summer. Unfortunately, Zach Condon is not as great a comic performer as Sacha Baron Cohen. Check out his abysmal Flava Flav imitation and see if you like.

"Freedom '90": The Unofficial Anthem of Idiots

The original George Michael video had supermodels.

This new BoingBoing-approved version has a bunch of uglier bimbos: Republicans.

Vote or else this will become the national anthem.

Germany to MySpace: Talk to Das Hand

MySpace is trying to launch French and German language versions of their social networking site. So far it's been a rocky road. One German explains:

People here think the design is bad and that is important for Germans.

Germans prefer a more pure, white design. Seriously, they have their own version of Facebook.

In Germany, MySpace must compete with, a site aimed at students that works much like the American site Facebook.

It's just like Facebook, except it's not owned by a Jew.

MySpace hopes to win hearts overseas - including the Germans - by promoting the music of each country.

Mr. DeWolfe agrees. “It’s important to have something that reflects the local culture,” he said. Many MySpace hallmarks will remain, like secret shows from bands with pages on the site. But they will feature local artists, selected by local employees.

This should be easy for Germany. Just give a "secret" show with these guys and MySpace will go gangbusters in Krautland.

Monday, November 06, 2006

I Wrong About Borat

Borat has shocked the nation not through its politically incorrect jest nor through its
overabundance of body hair, but by topping the box office charts.

Turns out I was wrong.

Perhaps if I continue making predictions they will all turn out wrong.

Expect the Republicans to hold on to Congress tomorrow night.
Also expect Bush to not be impeached after the Republicans win tomorrow's midterm elections.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Hey Tim Allen

Leave the comedy to Borat asshole.

Told you Borat wouldn't go number one twice before.

I hate being right.

via Defamer

Hey John Kerry

Leave the comedy to me fuckface.

Thanks for blowing another election Frankenstein. Did you always score one for the other team (the GOP)? Did you fucking give military secrets to the Viet Cong gossip columnists? Did you give your wife's parents a bottle of Hunt's ketchup as a housewarming gift? Did you thank Dr. Frankenstein for creating Dracula? Fucking droopy faced windsurfing shitbag.

I know, this is a red herring, blase blah. But this close to the election season, it's asinine. It's like Kerry gave Karl Rove a silver bullet when he was completely out of ammo. Goddamit now the GOP is gonna remain in Congress. Thanks a lot.

Might as well tell some more jokes while you're at it. I'll be your joke writer.

"How many troops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know the answer but it's definitely more than the troops we have now."

"What do you get when you cross a soldier and a terrorist? A doofus trying to figure out the connection between himself and Al Qaeda."

No you can't have these jokes, Ketchup Kennedy. I'm mocking your sense of humor. These jokes aren't funny and neither are you.

Maybe that's why Bush won -- because he's funnier than you.

Unfucking real.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Joke Jamming: How to Hijack Mass Media for Your Nefarious Comedic Enjoyment

Similar to culture jamming, joke jamming is when you take something that isn't meant to be funny and, by writing something funny about it on your blog post, turn it into a chuckle factory with cheap labor. The Daily Show probably started this trend, but their focus is news/politics.

Golden Fiddle links to this interview of Larry King interviewing Tom DeLonge (former lead singer of Blink 182), quoting Larry King's funny-on-too-many-levels query:

"Blink 182 - how did that happen?"

I would never watch an interview with either of these numbskulls and I really doubt Larry King wanted anyone to laugh at his interviewing style. But anybody can now appropriate shows, magazines, songs to their own comical ends.

Of course at times we look at shining examples of tough, muckracking, no-bullshit journalism that enriches our understanding of democracy. Examples like this outstanding Bill O'Reilly interview with President Bush.

At 1:58, Bill O'Reilly lets him have it.

"I've got 15 questions for ya. If they're dumb, tell me they're dumb."

A country in which the greatest mind of our nascent millennium can refuse to answer dumb questions? Habeas corpus, you have not died in vain!

What Manilow's Return Hath Wrought

As some of you know, Manilow's album was released yesterday. I predicted a comeback.

Whether he reached the summit or not, the album has brought the apocalypse.

* Global warming could bring Great depression (news of this comes the same day Manilow appears on Colbert)

* K-Fed's new album is released

* Bob Barker will retire

* YouTube is taking down Daily Show clips

* Lost is starting to suck

Happy All Saint's Day!!!!