Remembrance Of Video Past #66: Billy Joel, "You're Only Human (Second Wind)"

This song doesn't have much retro kitsch value. When people remember the good ole days, they wanna remember Duran Duran's "Rio" or Michael Jackson's "Thriller." They don't want to remember this midtempo adult-contemporary blue eyed soul hit from 1985 about suicide. "You're Only Human" was written by Billy Joel in order to prevent teens from killing themselves. Might as well fix a drum by cutting it open and doing surgery.

I don't know what's sadder; that this existed or that when I was nine and I saw this at the end of "Entertainment Tonight" I was moved. The metal guys were "mean" in my opinion back then because the news said they sang about suicide as a good thing but Billy Joel wanted people to NOT do that, so he joined Mr. T and Punky Brewster in my League of '80s Good Guys.

The video is about this kid who wants to jump off a bridge (presumably because he's wearing a denim vest) but Billy Joel swoops in and shows him what life would be like without him like in "It's a Wonderful Life." The drowning teen is Adam Savage, host of MythBusters. Ironic moment: at one point Billy Joel is sipping champagne while sitting on a car.

Despite the depressing lyrics, the music is upbeat and peppy. Even ABBA knew better than to write a song about suicide with...

Oh yeah, at one point, Billy Joel flubs a verse, and laughs. Glad to see you're having fun Piano Man. If it's OK with you, I'm going to choke myself on the vomit you've so graciously induced from me. One of the lines in the song is "You're supposed to make mistakes." Ah, but you're not supposed to record them.



VIDEO NOT AVAILABLE FOR EMBEDDING (SURPRISE SURPRISE)

Remembrance Of Video Past #65: Duran Duran, "All She Wants Is"

When I was 13, nothing was funnier than an orgasm in a pop song. Twenty years later, you would think I would stop howling with laughter at the ecstatic moans toward the end of this song. Trouble is, these moans are sequenced with synthesizers, making it sound like a sex piano (or sex keytar).

What's makes it even funnier is as these moans creep up on the soundtrack, the female protagonist faints in front of an open fridge. You're welcome.

NSFW

Remembrance Of Video Past #64: Richard Marx, "Hazard"

We've all heard lite rock before but how about lite rock with A MURDER MYSTERY?! I saw ads for this song in 1992 asking the cryptic question "Who killed Mary?" I first heard this song in my parent's rental car in Florida. It has an ominous sound, like a bad police procedural with spooky synth noises.

Richard Marx plays this guy accused of murder but he maintains is innocence. In the beginning he is shown being teased as a child. Later he finds out his mom is an adulterer and burns a random person's house as a little kid. He eventually dates Mary, who is found dead in the river. It is up to the listener to decide if Marx's character killed Mary or not.

I'd like to think he did it because an easy listening song by a murderer is funnier than a power ballad sung by a cold blooded killer.

Remembrance of Videos Past #63: Diamond Shell Featuring Biz Markie, "Oh What A Night"

Nothing like Biz Markie singin' some off-key Franki Valli.

Remembrance Of Videos Past #62: Sagat, "Funk Dat"

Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock and Rodney Dangerfield have all released songs. Yet none of them are funnier or more emblematic of stand-up comedy than this left-field early '90s lost gem of hip-hop silly. Dropped in 1994, Beavis and Butthead roasted this video, comparing the rapper to 60 Minutes curmudgeon Andy Rooney.

The format of the song:

Sagat says "Question"
Then he bemoans a daily nuisance (getting flyered in the street, pointless phone conversations) in question form.
Then he screams "Funk Dat!" as a nameless little boy with an eyepatch dances and kicks things.


I would love to see some comic update this song.

Question:
Why is it that when you get a gift on FaceBook it's all virtual and shit?
Man FUNK DAT!

If only hip-hop-or any "indie" artist-were this creative and unpretentious today.

Remembrance Of Videos Past #61: Soul Asylum, "Black Gold"

When Bill Clinton clinched the election in 1992, I was livid. Imagine a 16-year-old Republican North African American grunge afficionado drinking coffee and thinking he's having a heart attack. Is your brain broken yet?

MTV had an Inaugural Ball for Clinton's victory in January of '93. The country seemed energized by this, particularly the youth vote, which came out in droves.



Acts like REM, 10,000 Maniacs and Soul Asylum performed at this show. Before Dave Pirner became Kevin Smith's go-to soundtrack session man, he was the face of a youth movement free from the shackles of Bush Sr.

This inaugural insanity was contagious: I was actually interested to see what Clinton would do. It was the Motor Voter bill that facilated my voter registration a year later.

I hope everyone feels the same rapture and catharsis tomorrow when Obama wins that I felt when I heard this in January of '93.

Soul Asylum |MTV Music

Remembrance of Videos Past #60: Bell Biv DeVoe, "I Thought It Was Me"

In the summer of '91 (months before Kurt Cobain would change the guard) I introduced this song to my best friend in high school, Tom. This was the first time I had ever appreciated musical humor. An excellent modern example is a half-assed harmonica toot in the Demetri Martin track "Sames and Opposites" off his 2007 album These Are Jokes. But back then all we had was the BBD chant.

At 2:20 is the chant that kept us laughing in the pool throughout July and August.
The chant begins with a macho BBD chant followed immediately by a mousy, hurried BBD.

Typographically, this is how it goes:

B!
(pause)
B!
(pause)
D!
(pause)
bbd

So enjoy the greatest work of musical humor in R&B history.

Remembrance of Videos Past #59: Philip Bailey & Little Richard, "Twins"

I can just hear this song and laugh for a fortnight. '80s Little Richard-what an anachronism. That's like a Bluetooth-enabled telegraph.

For those of you too young, this is from the Danny DeVito Arnold Schwarzenneger vehicle Twins. Back when Arnold thought he was funny, once again confirming that, between "airline jokes," sitcoms and this film, the '80s were the worst time for comedy. And for Little Richard. Though the short-lived genre of Little Richard humor was in full swing.

Remembrance of Videos Past #58: Night Ranger, "The Secret of My Success"

My problem with '80s humor isn't so much the nostalgia; it's that those who dabble in it rarely go for the deep cuts. The only way you can remember this is if you saw the hit Michael J. Fox preppy comedy of the same name. This song sounds like an '80s comedy, with gauche synths and over-the-top horn charts.

Why is this video funny?

1) The mugging and smiling at the camera is sincere;
2) It's a rock song about success. Does it get less rock and roll than that? If this song were a bigger hit, we surely would have been deluged with songs about APR financing and stock options.

Stay tuned for the aggro hi-five at around 4:32.

HELP ME READERS: Is that really Weird Al and Motley Crue as the horn section?

Remembrance of Videos Past #57: Motley Crue, "You're All I Need"

No one's more tired of being ironically dismissive of hair metal than I am. But this is a deep cut like no other.

When I was 14 in 1990 and I first heard this power ballad, Motley Crue's "You're All I Need" off 1987's Girls, Girls, Girls, my whole moral foundation was shaken. Vince Neil sings about stabbing his girlfriend in the heart because she doesn't love him. Talk about a kiss-off. I stared at the lyrics in the liner notes that came with the cassette tape, trying in vain to read between the lines. I even asked my friend Bill if Vince Neil meant it. Bill was like "He wants to kill her-that's hilarious. Why aren't you laughing you pussy." So I laughed it off.

Here we are, nearly twenty years later, and I find this song on YouTube. This song is like the national anthem...of a nation called White Trash...ica. You thought you've read the worst YouTube comments, check out this little hosanna here:


this video is soo sweet! i mean this song is about a man and he loves this girl so much that he would kill her so no one else could have her, i think thats pretty remarkable how motley crue put that into a great song!!!! MOTLEY FUCKIN CRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing says love like being driven by a smoldering murderous rage and thrusting a steak knife into your girlfriend's left ventricle.

Remembrance of Videos Past #56: Ugly Kid Joe, "Neighbor"

What was the link between SNL and Ugly Kid Joe? "Everything About You" was in "Wayne's World." And in this video a fear-stricken Pat hides from the new noisy metal neighbors next door.

Ugly Kid Joe, like SNL, have an adolescent appeal about them. Teens who could not go to bars would watch SNL live and giggle at Hans and Frans. Ugly Kid Joe had the most sophomoric lyrics imaginable. "Everything About You" may be the most popular hate rock song in history. "Neighbor" 's chorus distorts the Mr. Rogers theme and has the protagonist picking his toe jam and smelling his socks.

If any early '90s metal bridge will remind you of what a loser you are, try this:

"I drink, and I stink
I smoke, I'm a joke"

There is a whiff of revolution in this song: white trash lowering the property value. I would pay to watch families like this gentrify Brooklyn. Imagine Ugly Kid Joe scaring an androgynous hipster who looks like Pat?

This video is like a shitty blockbuster comedy without the shitty blockbuster comedy (unless you count this).

I HOPE I DIDN'T RUIN YOUR DAY!

Remembrance Of Videos Past #55: Paul Shaffer, “When the Radio is On” (Live Version)

Paul Shaffer was David Letterman’s obedient foil, laughing at his jokes and leading his band through runs of “Wild Thing” and “Born to be Wild.”

One episode, however, the writer of “It’s Raining Men” took the reigns and debuted one of his own compositions: a doo-wop revival song with Dion, Fresh Prince, Carol Kane and other assorted guests.

Wasn’t enthralled with this song, but it never left my head. Every now and then I remember the melody.

Catch the Fresh Prince at his whitest.

Remembrance Of Videos Past #53 & #54: Melissa Manchester, "You Should Hear How She Talks About You"; Laura Branigan, "Gloria"

In 1982, I heard these two songs during a car ride from Jersey City to Queens with my mom and my Turkish grandmother that was as long as a coked-up Dennis Miller rant. When we stopped at Fontana’s Finest Gyro and Pizza on Northern Blvd, I ran to the Pac-Man machine. This was my first time playing it.

Three years later, I escaped the clutches of my mom, who forced me to watch Dynasty and Falcon Crest, to play Nintendo games.

What I didn’t know then was if it weren’t for video games, I would have ended up gayer than an English professor at the Halloween Parade.

Remembrance Of Videos Past #52: Metallica, “One”

The video for this had footage spliced in from Dalton Trumbo’s early ‘70s anti-war film Johnny Get Your Gun. Imagine if different film/TV clips were mixed in with the footage?

Some “One” Lyrics

I can't remember anything (Christina Applegate looking dazed in Samantha Who?)









Can't tell if this is true or dream (Harold wakes up getting his face licked in Harold and Kumar)







Deep down inside I feel to scream (Macauley Culkin in Home Alone)









This terrible silence stops me (Fatty Arbuckle does a pratfall)








Back in the womb its much too real (Look Who’s Talking Too)

Just like a wartime novelty (“Springtime For Hitler” number, The Producers)








Tied to machines that make me be (Lawnmower Man)







Cut this life off from me (Sklar Bros. on Grey’s Anatomy)


Oh God, help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God help me (Jessica Alba getting date raped by Dane Cook, Good Luck Chuck)












Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror (Fat chick hugging Norbit)





Landmine

Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in Hell (America’s Funniest Home Videos)

Remembrance Of Videos Past #51: Beach Boys, "Still Cruisin'"

The Beach Boys had a comeback in 1988 when they put “Kokomo” on the Cocktail soundtrack. The Beach Boys were suddenly dripping off every Hollywood shark’s lips in Hollywood. John Stamos was their drummer, after all.

The Beach Boys’ answer? “Still Cruisin’.”

This song reminds me of Mel Gibson copping a feel on Teutonic (word of the day?) blonde femme fatale Patsy Kensit in Lethal Weapon 2; the film it was featured in.

The first Lethal with Joe Pesci.

Kensit eventually moved on to frolic with Liam Gallagher of Oasis. Mel Gibson was arrested for a DWI. During his arrest he made anti-Semitic remarks.

Is it possible that Gibson looks back on the arrest and sings this tune while driving?

Remembrance Of Videos Past #50: Joe Public, “Live and Learn”

I love that old saw, “You’ve got to live and learn.” But every time I say it, this terrible New Jack Swing monstrosity comes to mind. Worst part about it is my girlfriend and I are the only ones who remember this song and we both hate it.

Much as I abhor this shitty ditty, I confess I am enamored with those backward trumpet samples. Like Terminator X is on the 1 and 2.

Still, the band’s name is Joe Public, which is fitting because the band is as unrecognizable as your average Joe Public or Joe Scmoe.

Remembrance of Videos Past #49: Guns N Roses, "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" (Live at the Ritz)"

I never liked the studio version of this song on Use Your Illusion II. This, however, is GN'R in all their ragged, coke-freeze glory.
A '90s era Guns song played during the Appetite days. Slash's solo here is like giving cunnilingus to a banana bread muffin. And the banter.

"You know what time it is right now?"

It's the one year anniversary of "Remembrance of Videos Past."

Here's a look back at all the others.

And here's the one year anniversary special.

So great watching the audience trying to get louder than Axl.



BONUS:

Black Crowes, "Thorn in My Pride"

Remembrance of Videos Past #48: Tim Dog, "Fuck Compton"

In 1992, when I brought up Dr. Dre to one of my sophomore classmates in high school, he scoffed and said "No man, Tim Dog is the true NY shit. Fuck Compton."

And so began the shot heard nowhere around the world in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars. I've seen this video three times in my life:

1) once on Yo! MTV Raps
2) once on Playboy's Hot Rocks
3) YouTube

When the Rapture takes over New York City, Tim Dog will be left standing, telling a char-broiled Dr. Dre to suck his dick.

Remembrance of Videos Past #47: Meat Loaf, "Objects In The Rearview Mirror..."

If a blog is like a rock that you wipe your tears away with, then the links to other blogs are just the resulting abrasions.

If blogging is like going to the gym, then the insipid content is like the fat -- fat that is more pounds than an armored truck accumulating money underwater. A British armored truck with pounds inside. The currency. I think.

If clumsy similes are like overwrought, over-the-top Meatloaf songs, then metaphors are like the creepy David Finches that leave in footage of Meatloaf's pants falling down while he's running in Fight Club.

Remembrance of Videos Past #46: Carly Simon, "Let The River Run"

Same thought I had then as now: less slutty Taylor Dane. This is easily the sexiest music video with Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey in it.