Monday, April 30, 2007

Shitty NRA-Approved Bon Jovi Parody About VTech

Shots in the hall
And guns get the blame
VA Tech give guns
A bad name
I bring my gun
And my beer to the range
VA Tech gives guns
A bad name

Bitergate: Mencia Steals From Russel Peters

Supermaneesh gives us the scoop (via Digg)

My 400th Post on this Blog

For the headline illiterate, this is my 400th post at this address. Previously I wrote at this address. I think the new blog is a lot better. A look back at some of the highlights:

Fun With Military Jargon

Weirdest Umbrella Ever

Hot Rock Genres

Puppet Chic

Future Rebranding of VH-1

The Rudest Pan-Asian Cuisine Menu

Hey New York Times...

O My Gawd I Got To See Disturbia

It just looks good. Like I love that title Disturbia. It sounds like how I imagine it would feel like if you were Richard Gere kissing a Bollywood starlet with a crazed fat gerbil jammed in your coin slot. And that name: Shia LeBouf. Now when I'm on the eastbound expressway and some douche drop cuts me off I scream "SHIA LEBOUF" instead of screaming "SHIT" or "Mike Hammer." Then I leave myself a voicemail in which I whisper "Disturbia" over and over again and smile. Oh and anyone who prefers "Rear Window" is a film school faggot.

This preview has been approved for everybody but film school faggots.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Hey Pop Music...

STOP BEING SO PUERILE! All this My humps My humps ballyhoo! Whatever happened to the classics? Like "Put It in Your Mouth" "Pop That Pussy" "Dreams of Fucking an R&B Dick"?
Now that was a message you could really get behind.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

New College Humor Show

Worth it for the title alone.


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Remembrance of Videos Past #43: Various Artists, "Hands Across America"

You know how you do something so stupid that you wince 20 years later? The same thing happens to nations. The levels of corniness here are more layered than a Mutt Lange song.

First of all, the notion that an unbroken link of people holding hands across America was feasible is just durrr (anything is possible, but the Knicks have a better chance of winning the US Open). Also, Robin "Hackazoid" Williams brought a joy buzzer. Hyuk hyuk. Even before the Bobby McFerrin video he was a wild card.

The hacks across America that it inspired during the comedy boom - now that's something else. "We Are the World" was also lampooned, but David Cross can reference that song without blank stares. "The Simpsons" referenced "Hands" in '92, but what doesn't that show reference? Nowadays only shitty comedies like Beerfest, Biodome and "My Name is Earl" reference the song.

Right, a personal anecdote: some girl in my fourth grade class made a lame joke holding hands with her female friend; she sang "Hands Across the Classroom." Sad thing is, it was unfunny because it made more sense.

Yes you are reading a comedian's rant about "Hands Across America" 21 years later. I do not want to pull at this thread.

How sappy is this video? There's only a snippet on YouTube that isn't even 30-seconds long. Get ready for the only Lily Tomlin video more embarrassing than the Huckabees episode.

On the bright side, I remember why Kathleen Turner used to give me a boner. Because she was a pre-transgendered female back then with a functioning larynx.

This blog wants to pick a fight with u

What the fuck? What did you fucking say about not giving you enough links? Got something to say? Say it in the fucking comments. What did you say about the word "fuck?" Huh?

You want some hard fucking news? Fine Mary Tyler Moore: get out your fucking tape recorder and press badge. This one's an exclusive:

Editorial: Fuck Face, 1931-2007
A contradictory figure in world politics, Fuck Face should be remembered for the reforms he launched.

Fuckfacia today is not the Fuck Face Union of old, Pussyqueer Poontang notwithstanding. For that, you can both thank and curse Fuck Face, who died Monday at age 76.

Oh wait: the story needs artwork:

Sorry about the resolution.

Oh wow. Nevermind - I thought you were someone completely different.
I like your blog too.

Monday, April 23, 2007

O.K. : The Movie

Reading the origin story about the expression "O.K." inspired me to pitch a movie about it (I didn't mean to make fun of you for being rich). "O.K." stands for "oll korrect" and was used as a rallying cry in Martin Van Buren's campaign as well as a corrupt Tammany Hall. So I guess political corruption is O.K. after all.

I'm not sure who would star but John C. Reilly would have to be in the film.

Oskar Kontender

Though I sincerely think an interesting short film could be made about the etymology, I really want to see the reviews:

O.K. is more than O.K.; it's an "owesome klassic."

O.K. is a K.O.


Friday, April 20, 2007

Jessica Alba: Comedy Nerd Cocktease

Alt comedy nerds love that she's gracing "The Ten" with her lovely, pan-ethnic presence.

Dane Cook fanboys daydream about Alba sucking their magical sex scepter so she can find Mr. Right.

Who's it gonna be: Paul Rudd or Dane Cook? Those who saw "Wet Hot American Summer" know the answer.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Facetime Gets Facetime

Fellow Apiary contributor Becky Cilleti made the cover of the LA Times.

Its cursive-scrawled pages hold Becky Ciletti's most intimate pubescent thoughts and secrets. The 39-year-old freelance writer came to this bar on a rainy April night to read the mostly embarrassing excerpts — food-fighting, French-kissing, babe-loving and all — to nearly 100 strangers. She wrote the first entry in 1980, when she was 12.

Feb. 7:

We didn't have school because of the snow today. I miss Kelly. I don't know why, because I've seen him all week except for today. P.S. Please help me to be more mature and help me to fill out my bra.

The audience howled with laughter.

In other news, my journal entry made the front page of this blog.

Friday, April 13, 2007

What Do Terrorism and Super Mario Have in Common?

Don't know, but as a Sonic fan I feel vindicated.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

World Cinema: Sexi Babushka

In this segment I look at world cinema on YouTube. Today we'll look at Ukranian comedy. NSFW (MOST WORK)

Poo Tee Weet

Poo tee weet.

My Talent Crush on Joe Rogan is Now in Full Bloom

Some blame springtime. I thank Dead Frog for helping me find my chiseled knight in shining talent armor. You always get a talent crush on the one you least expect. I assumed I would fall for Patton Oswalt or Michael Showater. Anybody but a former host of "Fear Factor" and a UFC dude. But my heart skipped a beat when I saw him take down Mencia. This Dead Frog interview has catapulted me into full blown infatuation with Rogan's comedy. Watch your back Redban.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Remembrance of Videos Past #42: "Wonderbug"

If the Sid and Marty Krofft shows were LSD, this show was the most persistent, yet vague flashback. I remember watching this theme song and jumping up in the bed at age two as if I were in the bug. Unlike the other Krofft shows (Liddsville, Space Nuts) this one did not go into syndication. The last year it aired was 1978, making this theme song one of my earliest memories. Funny how pop culture shit takes you back more than the gold. The gold is always revisited by pop culture historians whereas the shit is not revisited until the last time it made its tiny dent in the American psyche . WARNING: this song is not pretty. It's like someone made it up off the top of his head.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

How To Build Your Own Interrogation Room

There are nagging questions and there are nagging questions. What do you do when, say, a friend calls you "chief" and you want to know if he's being ironic or not? Or if he even is a he? Just make your own interrogation room. It's a lot easier than you think!

1) The less room, the better. A classic beginners' mistake is to assume that you need to build a new room. Nope; the computer room is good enough. Just make sure your subject is blindfolded and cover the whole carpet with plastic floor mats. Or cover the plastic floor mats with rugs.

2) A mirror is important; two-way or one-way. You know how the suspect always cracks wise about how he knows the mirror is a one-way glass and he knows the cops are on the other side? Good; after you take the blindfold off, the suspect, deceived by the new floor mats, will think he's in a bona-fide interrogation room with a one-way glass. Deny it so he believes that the mirror is a one-way mirror. He'll never suspect the plush whale with a video camera on top of its head.

3) Get a spare chair and/or table. Throwing furniture is not as easy as it looks. Even after you avoid giving yourself a inguinal hernia or a slipped disk, you may still damage your chair. Sure you'll feel like Jack Bauer but you might not be able to sit down and enjoy the feeling after you break your swivel chair. So make sure to run to Staples and buy a simple folding chair and pick up a chrome dinette from wherever fine dinettes are sold.

4) Scopolamine is overrated. You might watch "24" and think that serums like scopolamine are necessary to win the war on error. There's a much easier substance that flys under the liberal watchdog radar: antique soda. Go on eBay and buy some old bottles of some obsolete beverage like Diet Rite or Crystal Pepsi. Then offer the suspect a drink. One sip of the flat, lukewarm soft drink will make him cough up the truth. Of course, threatening to inject the detainee with Tab will yield more results.

So all you need are plastic floor mats, a mirror, a folding chair, needles, a plush whale, a video camera, antique sodas and a chrome dinette and you can have your own private Gitmo. The only question your friend won't be able to answer is why you didn't do this sooner.

Found Humor: Freeze Lame

Found Humor is a new column in which I post things that I find that are funny. These things are either unintentionally funny or slightly funny (ie, a droll Wikipedia entry).

My coworker Cathy found this video on YouTube.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Hey Mobile TV Developers...

If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again. If you need help please dial the operator. TV networks must be insecure to think that less and less kids watch TV and more and more kids watch their cell phones. Maybe they are flocking to the World Wide Web, but not to their wireless provider. I ain't watching any supplemental episodes of "24" on my cell phone. Like that show needs supplements. Cuz we need to know what Jack Bauer does between 8:59 AM and 9:00 AM. Is that why they are always using cell phones in "24"? To catch up with the plot?

I can't hear myself talk in my own mobisode. DAMMIT!

Of course some people inisist comedy is perfect for mobile phones. It's quick and to the point. Point taken. But this idea will work when the iPhone comes out. And that's just because it will be like a mobile computer. Where I can download shows off iTunes or stream them from the network websites. But this idea of original cell phone content produced for cell phones? The only demographic you're gonna reach in this country is the obnoxious fucktard who wants to show off their cell phone demographic. Maybe there's a comedic genius out there who's a cross between Jacques Tati and Buster Keaton who's gonna make a brilliant cell phone comedy called "The Thimble vs. The Shaker of Salt," brilliantly utilizing the 1 inch cell phone screen for subtle sight gags and new ways of looking at comedy. But do you think for a second that Verizon or Cingular will bankroll this kind of comedy? Or will they only have room in the budget for "Valley Girl Meathead Poolside Awesomenity!"

Lastly, I think being a cell phone celebrity is the lowest form of celebrity imaginable. I write for The Apiary. I know enough people who don't understand the significance of this, even though it is easily one of the most important comedy websites - let alone blogs - on the Internet. Try telling people you have a hit cell phone show. Eventually your cell phone will say "Life failed" instead of "Call failed."

Honey I got my own mobile phone sitcom! Now I get free nights and weekends!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Mundane Dream Journal: Template

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I had a dream that I was looking at my blog and someone changed my blog template design without my permission. I wasn't mad I was just surprised someone could do that without my permission. This dream represents my repressed desire to freebase cocaine.

Remembrance of Videos Past #41: Dire Straits, "Walk of Life"

During fifth grade the DARE officers would come to our classroom and tell us how drugs wreak havoc on people's souls. One time they decided this message was beyond verbal didacticism and they played this video of sports bloopers. If they needed a video of sports bloopers with a midtempo rock sountrack to keep kids off drugs, then DARE was in dire straits indeed.

Yes, you just saw a barefoot guitarist.

Rebuttal to Article Announcing My Death

Comedian Dead at Age 36
Why the generic word comedian? Can't you use my full name?

On March 31st, 2012, comedian and blogger Mo Diggs was gored by a rhinoceros's horn in the Congo.
I hope this guy spelled rhinoceros right. I don't get Merriam-Webster in...where am I anyway?

An enthusiast of jungle safari tours-
Whaa? I get dragged to those by my friends. I don't even like the web browser Safari.

Mo Diggs's death has had an incredible impact on the comedy community.
Wow that's nice I guess.

Andrew Dice Clay said he was one of the best comedians ever.
I've never even met Dice.

"I seen him at the Parkside open mike on Saturday. He was so good I wish I didn't take a shit behind the stage during his set."
So that's what smelled like leather and shit.

Diggs also had a lot of respect in the blogging community with his own blog and his column for The Apiary. Apiary Editor-in-Chief Nate Sloan says, “Get a breakout title like ‘Chappelle’s Show,’ and sell three million copies on DVD at $25 apiece, and you’ll find 75 million reasons for MTV to invest in comedy."
Wait that quote was from the Human Giant article. The NY Times really needs a better copy editor.

Most readers will remember him for his work in "Human Giant"-
That's Aziz Ansari!

as well as his minor role in 13 Going on 30-
That's Maz Jobrani

and his Oscar-winning breakout role in Dreamgirls-
I really need to edit my Wikipedia entry.

Even in death though Mo Diggs has made people laugh.

Yeah, Ebaum's World has the video of the fateful rhino attack on its front page.
Was it not good enough for College Humor? That's the last time I smoke a cigarette with you, Streeter Seidell!

Comedian Award-winning comic and friend of Diggs, RG Daniels, remembers him fondly.
Wow that's cool. It's a quote so they can't mess this up.

"Mo died way too soon. He had so much potential. Just a few more years and he would have been funny."

Reimagining Weird Al Yankovich as a Racially Conscious, Self-Loathing Middle Eastern Satirist

Source material:


They tried to make me be an A-rab
I said no no no
Yes I've been black
They took my doo rag
I said no no no
Maybe if I had some time
I would change my mind
They tried to make me be an A-rab
I said no no no

I'd rather be white or gay
Than pray to Allah five times a day
I hate my race; I'm so whitebread
If I were a rab, I'd turn myself in to the Feds

If I were black I'd get more cooze
Being an Arab only gets you more babbaghanouge

Pharoahe Monch Remix:

They tried to make me be an A-rab
I said no no no

Bateman's Back, Man

Scott Bateman of Bateman 365 has a new cartoon that is like MST3K but in cartoon form which means only the dialogue is used from the source material.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

My Column in The Apiary

I have a flu so I will not post any new posts today. Here is a rerun: my Apiary column from yesterday.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Worst Rap Couplet I've Inadvertently Thought Of

X marks the spot
Sex marks the hot

New Abstract Beings Reinforce Positive Behaviors

In trying to find my own unique comic voice I stumbled upon a book called I am a Strange Loop by Douglas Hofstadter. It's a book that comes closer than any other to coming up with a science of self and consciousness. In one of the chapters Hofstadter elucidates the connection between other people and the self.

It is through language most of all that our brains can exert a fair measure of indirect control over other humans' that sense, then, my brain is attached to your body in somewhat the same way as it is to my body.

If God is not real, then He is the greatest example of language exerting influence in history. Santa Clause is a close second. Both of these archetypal figures reinforce our best (or arguably our worst behaviors in God's case) behaviors by conditioning us. God promises heaven to the righteous, Santa promises cashmere sweaters to the obedient. But the indirect influence of God and Santa Clause is lost on adult atheists. Thus I'd like to introduce you, the jaded, sophisticated reader, to new, phenomenal beings that exert mind control a positive influence.

Vern the Voyeur
Whenever you masturbate, a spirit in the room named Vern the Voyeur watches. He comes on to you (no pun intended) like a creep. "Yeah that's it, keep rubbing that motion lotion till I see that peter colada shoot out your diddleduster!" This legendary apparition cures people of excessive masturbation and pina colada addiction.

Harriet the Hype Hag
Whenever you find a joke unfunny there's Harriet the Hype Hag intimidating you to laugh in social situations by insinuating that your brain is not sophisticated enough to get the joke. "C'mon! Do you really have trouble getting 'Rover gave her a bone of her own?'" This "voice" is actually an evolutionary mechanism in case you get dragged to a Carlos Mencia show so you laugh before he calls you dee-dee-dee for not getting his joke. Indeed, he stole Harriet's whole act.

"Never Fuck a Cat" Ned
If you don't have this voice in your head you've got major issues.

A Look at How Cat Parasites Affect Human Culture Through the Monocle of Comedy

T. gondii infects both wild and domestic cats, but it is carried by many warm-blooded mammals...Other studies have also found links between the parasite and schizophrenia.

In related news, many Middle Eastern families own three or more cats.

courtesy of discoweasel

(Full disclosure: I am Middle Eastern, which might explain why I'm neurotic [from the article: "The parasite is thought to have different, and often opposite effects in men versus women, but both genders appear to develop a form of neuroticism called 'guilt proneness.'"])

Strangest Comedy Friendship I've Heard of yet

Here's what Larry the Cable Guy said in a recent interview with Punchline Magazine:

Bill Hicks and I were friends, too. Bill Hicks thought I was hilarious. And if there was anybody that were polar opposites, it was me and him. But Bill Hicks was friends with all us Blue Collar guys. I know him and Jeff Foxworthy, as a matter of fact, were really good friends and he was a huge fan of Jeff’s. And so there are different styles of stand-up. And some comedians can be friends and disagree and some comedians can’t. I’m one of the ones that can disagree and be friends with people.

Wow. Goes to show that the world of comedy is small and, unlike in music, where Conor Oberst probably avoids hanging out with Chris Daughtry, comedians almost intentionally relish the idea of being strange bedfellows.

Like Larry the Cable Guy and Louis CK.(!)

When I was working in New York at Radio City Music Hall, Louis CK, who is a genius – I love Louis CK, I love his comedy. Louis CK came out to my show and we talked about that a little bit. You just write it off and move on. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Before you know it, LTCG and David Cross will squash their beef.

I never blasted David. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. If I met him I’d probably get along with him and have a beer with him. I never once hammered him at all. I ribbed him a little bit for getting on my fans. But I wished him the best of luck. He’s got a good career. He’s doing what he does and I do what I do, bless his heart