Tuesday, March 31, 2009

MySpace: Most Ghetto Website Eva

If the Internet is like a highway of information, then the MySpace exit is one huge web ghetto.

- Every other girl is a cyber ho propositioning you for her cyber services.

- No matter where you look you see a shirtless thug.

- Shitty music is blasting out of shitty speakers.

- Everything is all dilapidated with ghastly MySpace graffiti.

There's even Tom, the cranky MySpace landlord. "OK we know there are problems-STOP WITH THE EMAILS! You get what you pay for!"

What's the crack of MySpace? MySpace. No matter how hard I try, I can't get out of the ghetto.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Joke Junkie #3:

Today's headlines, tomorrow's jokes

Industry experts say digital 3D is the future of cinema. Which means viewers may be literally blinded by Dr. Manhattan's giblets.


A prison officer was fired after befriending inmates on Facebook. No word on whether he will face charges for poking the inmates.

A scientific study shows that semen makes women happier. In other news, Monica Lewinsky says her blue dress brings back happy memories.

STREET JOKE OF THE DAY: An ad man walks into a bar. He rolled his eyes at the patrons and told his friend "This place sold out. It's way too commercial."
Call the bowler's union and tell them there's a STRIKE!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Today's Topic: Topical Jokes

Here's Louis CK's take on topical jokes (Boston Comedy via Sandpaper Suit):

"I just don't do that. It has a shelf life, and… I don't care about current events. They're hit so hard by comedians. That whole thing of, 'Hey, what the hell…' you know, 'And the eight babies lady…' You know, Jesus. And fucking enough. It's the most boring part of our national conversation, is the five headlines. You can't tell the news from Entertainment Tonight anymore. It's just a bummer. And I think it's one of the most boring aspects of stand-up, and it's just me being really harsh, is just the feeding on that shit. And taking the, 'Here's my take on it.' Oh, okay, that's about three degrees different from what Conan said, and Leno said, and Letterman said, and Jon Stewart, and Dennis Miller, and Spike Feresten, and Jimmy Kimmel, and Jimmy Fallon. And the columnist, and the Onion. And a bunch of bloggers...Your take on the Octomom, you somehow found a little territory in there that was just yours. And I really wish you had thought about something about yourself instead."

Now here's MY TAKE:

I don't know if you've noticed but the past few days I've been writing topical jokes. Why on earth would I do this? Two reasons:

a) As a joke-writing exercise
b) It's amazing practice for television writing

The truth is, there is ZERO money in alternative comedy. You either make money as an actor or a writer. I don't have a Johnny Hollywood Good Time Charlie face, so I may as well hone my writing chops.

That said,
I would stay away from telling topical jokes onstage. Stand-up, more than any other form of comedy, is about honing and sharpening the same material. Granted, I don't feel you need to tell the same five jokes at EVERY show (I just realized this recently, so apologies to my fellow comedy colleagues) but it really is hard to let go of jokes that have the shelf life of one loopy afternoon at work.


Topical jokes: great for blogs/Twitter, but a waste of time onstage.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Joke Junkie #2

Today's headlines, tomorrow's jokes
Today is St Patrick's Day, a magical day in which all the streets are sprinkled with golden showers.
A German company courts controversy with Obama Fingers, which are fried chicken tenders. The company halted production of Sanjay Gupta Dots.
The latest Details issue has Yankee Alex Rodriguez kissing his mirror image. He was reportedly frustrated that he only got to first base.
A man on the lam posed as his dead brother for 20 years. Police became suspicious when the man told police "I am my dead brother. BAH!"
iPhone now has copy and paste function. No word yet on whether iPhone will have "save money and stop buying trendy gadgets" function.

STREET JOKE OF THE DAY: A 9/11 conspiracy theorist walks into a bar. He says "Let me get a hot toddy-make sure it's Farenheit 9/11."
Tell the short-order cook at Denny's that's a grand slam!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Joke Junkie #1

Here are today's jokes from today's headlines:

Guantanamo inmates no longer "enemy combatants." They are now being called "livestock."


MacGyver is being made into a movie. In the spirit of MacGyver, the filmmakers plan on using rudimentary materials to make a certified bomb.


iPhone is the big hit at SXSW. Like most of the concertgoers, the iPhone was both sleek and unwashed


HBO greenlit a series about history of film by David Chase, maker of The Sopranos. When asked who will star in it, David Chase abruptly turned into a black screen.


Josef Fritzl, accused of imprisoning his daughter and fathering her children, has pleaded guilty to rape and incest but not guilty to murder. "I'm not a monster," Fritzl added.


A 9/11 conspiracy theorist walks into a bar. He orders a rum and coke. The bartender says, "It comes out to 12 dollars." The conspiracy theorist said, "Sorry, I only have loose change."


Friday, March 13, 2009

LCS, Gotham Non-Renewals=No One Cares About Stand-Up

According to The Comic's Comic (please donate), Last Comic Standing and Live At Gotham appear to be headed toward the out door.

Startling coincidence: last night, Chris Laker said that before he was a comic, no one would talk to him about Premium Blend because only comics watch that show. So is stand-up comedy really becoming incestuous? A vanity press for the most fragile egos?

If so, then I embrace this trend in cancellations. As Jeff Kreisler rightfully said in the comments for the blog post, "This could be good thing. Maybe without the TV outlets for 'younger'/'greener' comics, these comics can focus less on developing a TV set, and more on developing themselves."

The short of it: we may have avoided a COMEDY BUST!

Comedy Bust

Monday, March 09, 2009

Two Things About The Watchmen

It was very good but lemme say two things:

1) Awful soundtrack from start to finish. The extended remix of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A Changin'" was terrible. And My Chemical Romance at the end? NERD RAGE! (/sarcasm)

2) Now that the movie is out, douchebags have opinions about Watchmen. When Watchmen was a graphic novel only smart people had opinions of the film. Criticisms were well thought out. When I went to see this film, at the end I overheard some hapless fucktard say, "Why did they show the blue guy's junk?"

I can imagine the conversation with his friends on the way home:

"If I stopped bangin' the Silk Spectre my balls would be blue too!"

"IMAX doesn't make everything bigger!"

Dr. Manhattan making a house call for Smurfette

Monday, March 02, 2009

My Twitter Listed As One Of Funniest

By whom? Kevin Tor, an up-and-coming comic whose video was listed in Apiary's New Video Wednesday.

My Twitter is up there with Pete Holmes, Mike Drucker and Sara Benincasa. Look at the sidebar for my Twitter.

Better yet:


Kevin Tor