Thursday, December 25, 2008

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Reason For Medicare Crisis

Sorry miss, we can't pay for that double mastectomy-hold on, got another call. Penis pump? Just say the word GO! and we totes have that covered. Wait hold on, another call: yes we do cover hookers that taste like pink lemonade but that might go towards your deductible-wait hold on, another call; no I did not know that my tax payer dollars are being used to subsidize the sex lives of gullible blue hairs."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Third Annual Jim Belushi Unfunny Awards

Belushi For Least Funny Song: "Lying (The Barack Hussein Obama Song)"

There have been so few unfunny songs this year I had to search "Obama parody" on YouTube to find this stinker. I could have searched "Palin Eats An Ugly Singing Baby" and topped this but I could not endure further research. This is sung to the tune of "Crying" by Roy Orbison. Enjoy the epithets in the comments!




Belushi For Least Funny Viral Video: "Macy's Thankgiving Parade Day Rick Roll"

Rick Rolls in general make me Rick Roll my eyes but this one, in which Astley actually humiliates himself on a float, is too miserable for words. "Ha, I'm hip with the joke. I get the opposite effect of the RickRoll in the mirror; I expect to see myself and instead I am shocked by the spectral image of the Ghost Of Blue Eyed Soul Past."


Belushi For Least Funny Movie: Beverly Hills Chihuaha

Didn't see it. Maybe would have if it were at least called Beverly Chills Chillhuaha and it were directed by Greg Johnson.



The Belushi For Least Funny Show: Two And A Half Men


Whenever I visit my mom and my stepfather, they watch this and get mad at me for going to the computer room because I do not spend enough time with them. When I recently bashed this show at an open mike, some people were upset that I didn't like it. Not only does this three-camera monstrosity suck, but it is driving a wedge between me and the people I love.

The Belushi For Least Funny Stand-Up: Jeff Dunham

And he is the worst comic yet. At least Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia use words. Not since Carrot Top has stand-up been so brazenly travestied.


Belushi For Least Funny Sketch Comedy: Frank TV


Second year in a row. TBS, you have a lot of explaining to do. Can't you do an UnLeno and move him to late night? Or eaaarly morning.Or Turn Off Your TV Day.

Belushi For Least Funny Website: Ebaum's World

The only three time winner on this blog for best AND worst comedy.

The Big Belushi For '08: Jeff Dunham

Jeff Dunham's Christmas special this year got more viewers than a South Park episode that was inexplicably popular as well. The most viewers Comedy Central has ever had.

Stella and Dog Bites Man got canceled but this makes CC history.
Jack Bauer, You've Let Us Down

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Funniest Things Of 2008

Funniest Song Of '08: "Nutmeg," by John Legend on A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All

For the past two years rap was the genre to mine for guaranteed laughs. This year, it was a silky, sexy R&B song about one of the most universally tantalizing spices that made me bust my nut gut.



Funniest Viral Video Of '08: "Keeping Your Refrigerator Stocked Will Get You Many Women"

Not only was this year's funniest viral made by an amateur (not a professional like last year's "Landlord"), but it was made by a genuine revolutionary. For nearly a century it was assumed that the funny happened on-camera not behind the camera. Not from an exuberant cameraman. Not from an overexcited auteur who teaches you how to get laid with a well-stocked fridge. Fun fact: black people don't like bleu cheese.




Funniest Movie Of '08:
Role Models
David Wain has directed the funniest film for the second year in a row (last year he directed The Ten). Try these lines out for size: "I didn't know Jews can sing;" "Fuck you, Miss Daisy;" "Suck it, 'Reindeer Games'!"



Funniest Show of '08: 30 Rock

The first two-time winner in this blog's history: "I wish I had a Princeton reunion now, wipe that smug smile off Michelle Obama's face."



Funniest Comedian 0f '08: THREE-WAY-TIE-Paul F. Tompkins, Todd Barry, Brian Regan

Check out Best Week Ever With Paul F. Tompkins, Todd Barry's From Heaven and Brian Regan's The Epitome Of Hyperbole and try to choose which one is the best. I'd rather not do the work. Here's the best bit of the year from Brian Regan's special:




Funniest Sketch Group Of '08: Stella

The reunion of the decade



Funniest Website Of '08: College Humor

Between Hardly Working and their live stand-up videos from their NYC show, College Humor has become the NBC of the web.



Funniest Blog Post I've Written This Year:
Not Only Is It Super Tuesday

PREVIOUSLY:
'07

'06

Monday, November 24, 2008

My Day With Obama


Here's the first post for my new blog, My Day With Obama. We TOTALLY hung out today.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Remembrance Of Videos Past #62: Sagat, "Funk Dat"

Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock and Rodney Dangerfield have all released songs. Yet none of them are funnier or more emblematic of stand-up comedy than this left-field early '90s lost gem of hip-hop silly. Dropped in 1994, Beavis and Butthead roasted this video, comparing the rapper to 60 Minutes curmudgeon Andy Rooney.

The format of the song:

Sagat says "Question"
Then he bemoans a daily nuisance (getting flyered in the street, pointless phone conversations) in question form.
Then he screams "Funk Dat!" as a nameless little boy with an eyepatch dances and kicks things.


I would love to see some comic update this song.

Question:
Why is it that when you get a gift on FaceBook it's all virtual and shit?
Man FUNK DAT!

If only hip-hop-or any "indie" artist-were this creative and unpretentious today.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Celebrity Knock Knock Jokes

I wouldn't want to do these onstage but I don't want to throw them away either. Give me any celebrity/famous person/famous fictional character and I will make a knock-knock joke for you!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Joe the Plumber.
Joe the Plumber who?
Funny, that's what John McCain said earlier.


I'll never sell those chocolates now!


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin who?
Sarah Palin, the grandmother of your illegitimate child.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Justin Timberlake.
Justin Timberlake who?
C'mon Dad! It's Thanksgiving!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mark Wahlberg.
Mark Wahlberg who?
I didn't mean to knock on the door. Just wearing "Dirk's Diggler" again.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

How I Feel About Stand-Up Post-Obama


As revelers from the street party last night celebrating Obama's victory filled the theater watching The Big O give his historic address on the screen, I asked myself: how on God's green globe can I follow this speech? Yes, at the open mike, Obama was opening for me.

I told jokes; jokes about Islamophobia against Obama which did OK, but, buffeted with hooting and hollering from the streets, seemed like a brief, awkward lull bringing history to a grinding halt.

Tim Warner, an amazing comedian, admitted during his set that he could not do his routine and spent seven minutes talking about how happy he was. Who wouldn't - no one was a stranger in the village last night. Hugs abounded like lichens on a mountainside.

More than once, it was said that the election hysteria was like 9/11 in that everyone felt patriotic and connected. One more similarity: a palpable sense that the death of irony was encroaching.

Since at least 2005, the downtown alternative comedy scene was virtually devoid of any polemical, anti-Bush material. Liberal rants seemed hackneyed and pious. But there was enough irony and silliness to make McSweeney's read like n+1. After the teeming masses of hopeful, joyful and euphoric youths blocked every intersection west of Long Island, jokes and non-sequiturs seem lame. (Even Gawker recently experienced a snark shortage).

That is to say nothing of the politically incorrect mike jockeys that play at clubs in the West Village and Times Square. Now is not the time to say "I love Obama, but..." or "If I vote for Obama, black people will have nothing to complain about."

This latter, sweaty, hoary type of comedy will probably see its stocks plummet, but the zany zingers will probably resurface as the much-needed panacea to an Obama hangover. But do not be surprised to see more comedians doing what is described on message board A Special Thing as "lecture comedy." The comedy of Hicks, Carlin and Pryor, where there is as much applause as laughter; as much oratory as oral sex jokes; as much silliness as sincerity.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Woody Allen's Back!

A Woody Allen piece in The New Yorker? This week is off to a great start!

Why McCain Nominated Palin

Funny and NSFW

Remembrance Of Videos Past #61: Soul Asylum, "Black Gold"

When Bill Clinton clinched the election in 1992, I was livid. Imagine a 16-year-old Republican North African American grunge afficionado drinking coffee and thinking he's having a heart attack. Is your brain broken yet?

MTV had an Inaugural Ball for Clinton's victory in January of '93. The country seemed energized by this, particularly the youth vote, which came out in droves.



Acts like REM, 10,000 Maniacs and Soul Asylum performed at this show. Before Dave Pirner became Kevin Smith's go-to soundtrack session man, he was the face of a youth movement free from the shackles of Bush Sr.

This inaugural insanity was contagious: I was actually interested to see what Clinton would do. It was the Motor Voter bill that facilated my voter registration a year later.

I hope everyone feels the same rapture and catharsis tomorrow when Obama wins that I felt when I heard this in January of '93.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

My First Paid Blog Post


After blogging for two and a half years for free, I am finally getting paid to blog as a contributor for FlavorWire! Here's my first post! What a week it's been in my the blogosphere. Special thanks to Matt Ruby!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Laughs On Mars


Dear reader! This seemingly fabulist anecdote may seem like a cynical cash-in on a spectacular ABC sci-fi police procedural, but please rest assured-the following actually happened.

I woke up next to my girlfriend and kissed her softly on her forehead. The last thing I remember was eating a Snicker's ice cream bar from the freezer and fwoosh! I ended up outside the Improv where Broadway Comedy Club used to be.

Wait, you say, didn't Broadway Comedy Club replace the Improv? I had a similar thought till the wind pressed a newspaper against my glasses with the date: October 24, 1973. Seems like I had become unstuck in time. What was I to do? One of the first things I noticed was that things were so much cheaper back then, I did not have to work. This gave me time to ply my craft of comedy in the style of standing up.

I overheard some comics mention an open mike at Father Demo Square. After following them on the A for five stops, I eventually shoved my way past the increasingly vexed Chinese food patrons and signed up. It was my turn to get onstage. I started by mentioning I was an Arab-American. I had plunged into a maelstrom of deafening boos. Realizing too late that Arabophobia was worse back then, a drunkard with a wispy mustache screamed "Lower our gas prices towelhead."

That's right; 1973 was the year of the oil embargo.

I tried finding another open mike. One thing: there was no BadSlava because there was NO INTERNET! What? No Apiary, YouTube, MySpace? No Facebook invites? What to do?

What anyone else would do: befriend Steve Martin.

Steve Martin was by all accounts a distant, aloof kind of guy. So what if I shared my interests in art, King Tut and rabbit ears with the then-struggling comic? What if I praised his brief appearance on Laugh-In? What if I fed him his own jokes? And if he didn't like one, I would say "Well excuuuuuse me!"

If you had a dog in this race, you would say that I rode Martin's coattails to the stratosphere. Martin talked to the great Carnac and got me a Tonight Show gig.

Had I been more aware I wouldn't have stuck to my own set list. But there I was talking about iPod stereos and YouTube.

I was an overnight smash. Stoners loved my "fake" technology. Cultural theorists who inhaled Adorno liked mountain air appreciated my unpretentious social critique of consumer culture with my fictional consumer gadgets and my send-up of timeworn showbiz cliches.

Then, on a return appearance on Carson, I told my Arab-American joke again. Old habits.

Would you believe, even lefty colleges like Berkeley and Sarah Lawrence refused to book me. Martin ignored my landline phone calls. Even the bookers at Match Game gave me blank stares.

Well bully on those who said my pop culture knowledge was useless--I decided to predate Murray Langston by three years, put a paper bag over my head and become The Unknown Comic.

The bag was not even halfway over my head when my girlfriend nudged me and said "You've never looked sexier!"

I was back in 2008! Which meant I could use Bad Slava again! I awoke from my diabetic coma an unknown comic after all.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Jesse Thorn Is GOD

This blog post on same sex marriage is articulate, stirring and inteeligent. America's radio sweetheart is now just America's Sweetheart.

One Of The Best Daily Show Segments Ever

John Hodgman goes meta in ways that make you say "Why didn't I think of that?"

Remembrance of Videos Past #60: Bell Biv DeVoe, "I Thought It Was Me"

In the summer of '91 (months before Kurt Cobain would change the guard) I introduced this song to my best friend in high school, Tom. This was the first time I had ever appreciated musical humor. An excellent modern example is a half-assed harmonica toot in the Demetri Martin track "Sames and Opposites" off his 2007 album These Are Jokes. But back then all we had was the BBD chant.

At 2:20 is the chant that kept us laughing in the pool throughout July and August.
The chant begins with a macho BBD chant followed immediately by a mousy, hurried BBD.

Typographically, this is how it goes:

B!
(pause)
B!
(pause)
D!
(pause)
bbd

So enjoy the greatest work of musical humor in R&B history.

The Best Dick Joke Ever

Whether you are in Duluth, Minnesota or in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, you will hear heaps upon heaps of dick jokes. So a video called "My Best Friend Is My Penis" would stimulate your eye-roll reflex. PLEASE click on this Atom films video featuring Jon Togo, of CSI: Miami, and Will Carlough, of The Red-headed League. Not Safe For Work but it should be lunch right around now anyway. Just don't eat while watching-you WILL choke!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Analogy-sus

If I am Lou Reed



Ed Murray is David Bowie



and Tim Warner is Iggy Pop

Saved By The Bell: Fake Stories


I got published in this interesting blog by Kevin Tor called Behind The Bell: The Funny, Untrue Stories.

The title: Dustin Diamond Addicted To Doritos

Monday, October 20, 2008

Hug Orgy

There there, next year you'll get the Exxon sign


Those of you who know me know I can appear cold, aloof and distant. I am more likely to shake hands than give hugs-and more likely to fist bump than either. But I've run into a lovely collective of artists who hug each other all the time and now that I'm back to giving hugs, I was wondering if there were hug orgies--orgies with hugs instead of sex so one can hug friends, family and lovers.

I looked online--these events exist!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Chocolate News Premieres Tomorrow Night

I am at work and can't watch this video.

You tell me: is this worth the effort of TiVoing?

Vote in the comments!

Street Numbers As Ages

The street numbers of Manhattan seem to correspond to human development.

Lower Manhattan is like youth; full of infantile shit-eaters who can't draw or sing living off their parent's money.

Midtown Manhattan is like a financially stable middle-aged man going through a mid-life crisis and trying hard to be hip with the kids, but looking as uncool as ever. The MTV building is that man's pony tail, the Virgin Megastore the Corvette convertible with which he overcompensates.

Upper Manhattan=death.

Change You Can Believe In


Better than Bamma!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Outside The Scene

Louis CK:

A comedy club is a place where a completely random group of people come together to see a show. It's not a "scene." So I think, in some ways, the reaction you get from a comedy club is more honest.


I've done two shows recently at alt-rooms where the audience consisted of the producers' friends and family. I struggled a little bit at both. The first show like this I thought "man, these people just don't get it. I really miss performing for comedy nerds."

The second time I embraced it. Especially after watching some other "hot comics" struggle a little bit. The truth is, many of the hottest comics on the scene (let alone not so hot ones like myself) have been spoiled by the nurturing, generous laughs of the McSweeney's-NPR crowd.

But the "friends and family" of the producer - those are "real people." These are the people you will have to win over to really be a great stand-up. If you only care about a movie deal or a viral video, fair enough, you might be able to go above them.

But if you genuinely want to develop your craft and become more than just an underground darling, go with the "friends and family" package whenever you get a chance.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Start The Insanity

Remember Susan Powter: the '90s diet guru whose catchphrase was stop the insanity?





Well looks like she's getting STARTED with the insanity. Check out her video blogs at Urlesque.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Why I Wanna Shoot My Mouth

Decent day so far: my Apiary article gets some serious linkage despite some rightfully outraged comments over a half-baked 9/11 comparison. Then URLesque links to my "Twins" post.

But at the very end of my work day, as punishment for being idle when I should be checking on claims, I stumbled across one of the hottest, sexiest funniest actresses in history (Kristen Bell from Heroes and Veronica Mars fame) getting joke raped by Dane Cook and Jay Leno on The Tonight Show. Here's the clip (by clip I mean clip I am putting into my 60 caliber Nitro pistol before I deep throat it and write a wry suicide note saying "Happy Friday.")

Emotional apocalypse starts at 5:05.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Street Joke

I was walking in this sketchy neighborhood the other night and these two toughs were walking near me looking all thuggish ruggish. Thuggish was telling Ruggish what we call in the industry a "street joke" ("What did the rabbi say to the priest," etc.). But this was a REAL street joke from the mean streets of Astoria Queens.

The guy said "What do you call an Indian with a dot on his forehead?"
"What?"
"A target."

That joke is SOOOOO wrong. What he should have said was "What do you call an Indian with a dot on her forehead?"

I'm pretty sure they shot up the convenience store they were walking into. Not sure-I was too busy running.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Remembrance of Videos Past #59: Philip Bailey & Little Richard, "Twins"

I can just hear this song and laugh for a fortnight. '80s Little Richard-what an anachronism. That's like a Bluetooth-enabled telegraph.

For those of you too young, this is from the Danny DeVito Arnold Schwarzenneger vehicle Twins. Back when Arnold thought he was funny, once again confirming that, between "airline jokes," sitcoms and this film, the '80s were the worst time for comedy. And for Little Richard. Though the short-lived genre of Little Richard humor was in full swing.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Things To Check Out

Great musician named Lizzy Grant at Mercury Lounge:

Lizzy Grant
September, 20 2008 at Mercury Lounge: The Little Death
217 E Houston St, New York, New York
Cost : 10

ALSO:

An interesting web miniseries named Sinister Dexterity:

Here's the first episode (two parts):



Thursday, September 11, 2008

Tim And Eric Back To Internet Roots

I usually don't like toilet humor but this video is the series finale of a Tim and Eric Internet series for Atom Films.

You get to see it before I do cos I am at work. Let me know how it is in the comments.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

LOLCops



More here from my friend John Knefel
with whom I work along with Ed Murray at Comedy Free Williamsburg.

Details:

It's one of the funniest damn shows in NYC.

Ed Murray (McSweeney's) and John Knefel (23/6) host national headliners and New York's best underground comedians ... who are actually funny.
This show erases the memory of all the terrible stand-up comedy you've seen in NYC.
Open Bar from 7-8pm separates the adults from those who lack self-esteem ... don't come and act like it's your first open bar, you'll be shown to the sidewalk.

comedy free williamsburg
@ Sound Fix
110 Bedford/N 11th
(L to Bedford, G to Nassau)
Open Bar 7-8pm, Show @ 8pm

This week featuring
ROB CANTRELL (last comic standing)
PAT DIXON (comedy central presents)
GIULIA ROZZI (jimmy kimmel, mtv)
ARJ BARKER (flight of the conchords)
& sketch from MURDERFIST

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Rolling Stone Discovers Alternative Comedy, Internet



It's 2005 all over again! A good three years after Spin Magazine declared alternative comedy the trend of the year and after YouTube was first publishing videos, Rolling Stone is perking up its ears and heralding a watershed moment.

Here are some of the other articles in the latest issue:

Why Dirigibles Are Inferior To Warplanes

A Future Where Music Is Downloaded


HOT INVENTION: Sliced Bread



No link available for comedy story but check out all their YouTube piece!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Dumbest Topical Porn Name

Bacock Obanga

Funniest Music Video Ever?

True the phallic phunny gets old pretty quick in this Chuck Berry nugget from Top of the Pops in 1972, but his off-the-cuff riffing and that weird bespectacled caricaturist in the corner make this the funniest rock and roll song from a real rocker.

Dave Grohl watches this video and cries into his body pillow every night.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

College Humor=College Radio

This Shecky article says that indie comedy is at the same point where punk rock was when Blondie came out. I beg to differ. Here's how I break it down:

* The '90s was like the '70s punk revolution because that's when the DIY alternative comedy model was established, with David Cross being the Ramones and Patton Oswalt being the Sex Pistols

* The current decade is like the '80s-College Humor is the most prominent supporter of indie comedy much like college stations in the '80s spun REM and The Replacements


So expect the next decade (the teens, the tweens, the twins?) to be like the '90s alternative revolution. One comic will be like Kurt Cobain, bringing alternative comedy to the masses.

I see myself either being like Radiohead in the next decade

OK Comedy


or like 4 Non Blondes

What's goin' on...with this guy in the front row?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Hipster Comedy Cliches The World Can Do Without

AIDS, rape, abortion, genocide, nutsack, Satan's spawn, soul-crushing, anal rape, fist fucking and Stephen Hawking.

If you are guilty of perpetuating these cliches, you are crushing the soul of comedy.

Get Well Powers


I don't really know Joe Powers well but we were at an open mike one time and I laughed at his jokes. He laughed at my jokes. As a comedian, that's the best I can hope for. Get well Joe.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Things I Have Learned As A Producer Of Comedy Shows

1) Never suggest your friend

There's a reason why a producer booked you and not your friend. It may not be that your friend is less funny than a seagull covered with burnt cigarettes and shame. It could simply mean that the producer has a line-up in mind for next month and does not want to be pressured into booking your chum.

2) Listen to the delivery


A producer may tell you that the show is booked for the next few months. How are they saying it though? Are they thinking about how long it will take till they book you or are they changing the subject to The Dark Knight? Which you saw with them last month.

3) Get there early


If you get there too late, you may find you have been replaced by a comic eager for time.

4) Watch the show before asking for a spot

Unless you are friends with the producer (in which case you don't need tips like this) it's good to watch the show for several reasons. On the producer side of things, you are showing support and, if a comic can't make it, you may get the spot instead. It's also good for you so you get a feel for the vibe of the room. Is it a hipster crowd or is it drunken tourists, etc.

5) Be funny

Monday, August 11, 2008

Bernie Mac RIP

Mac was amazing. He had a distinct personality. He retired at the top of his game much the way I hope to. And yet he did have a blossoming film career (Ocean's 11, etc). Milk and coookies forever man.

Come To Pete's Candy Store Tonight!



Also Comedy Dungeon:

Comedy Dungeon
Date/Time: Monday August 11, 2008
kTime: 8:30pm - 9:30pm
Location: Jazz on the Park
Street Adr: 36 W. 106 ST

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Stand-Up Comedy = Conversation Porn


Stand-Up : Conversation

Porn : Sex

The more I do stand-up comedy, the more I realize that, though a conversational tone is acceptable, many of the facets we take for granted in everyday conversation aren't. This includes things like false starts ("The thing is...where is Chelsea Market"), fillers ("um," "like," "you know") and mumbling. To be sure there are exceptions but developing comics like myself need to develop interesting, funny monologues without any of the tics that make offstage conversations drag.

This is akin to porno. In a blue movie, the action typically begins with an emotionless transaction scene (pizza boy, guy with money stopping girl on street) that leads to...well, you've been on the Internet before, right? But like a jazz song, a porno is defined by what it doesn't do: it doesn't include the breakfast after bed, the incessant phone calls, the awkward second date, the unplanned pregnancy, the shotgun wedding, the first divorce, the relapse, the second divorce, the murder, etc.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

How To Get Rid Of MySpace Comedian Calendar Anxiety For Good

As if comedians weren't neurotic enough, here's one more thing to fuel our inferiority complex: calendar envy. No matter how many comedy shows you are booked for, someone's got more spots and better shows lined up. Look at Matt Ruby's calendar:




Now look at mine:



Not as impressive. But you could use your calendar for appointments and such as well. So if you put vague reminders with vague locations on your calendar, you can look like you got heat on you.

I added Moving Furniture @ Pete’s, Laundry @ 357 and Root Canal @ Steinman’s.
Now let's see:



This way, you stay on top of your shit and other comedians will probably ask to get on shows.

"Who run's Moving Furniture? And did Pete's move? Pete's Candy Store? Goddam developers!"

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

How I've Made My Peace With Seth Meyers And Product Placement

If you asked me last week to list 500 things I was lukewarm about, I would have stammered, hemmed and hawed around 498 and 499 and then said "Oh yeah, Seth Meyers and product placement." (Oh Seth I kid! Put away the Kleenex and take Terms of Endearment off your Netfix queue),.

Today, I am excited about both. Seth Meyers is directing a web series for Crackle.com that incorporates three Sony films (Crackle is owned by Sony: Step Brothers, Pineapple Express, and The House Bunny. The series, called "The Line," stars Bill Hader and Joe Lo Truglio (both of them appear in Pineapple Express) as they score the coveted first spot in line outside of a movie theater, 11 days prior to the world premiere of one of the summer’s most highly anticipated films, Future Space. (NOTE: bold part cut and pasted from press release-YOU try blogging at work with your boss inches from you).

Seth Meyers and product placement are A-OK in my book now!

Monday, July 21, 2008

What Does The Joker Find Funny?

Co-worker: (after receiving copy of daily report from Joker) "Thank you very little." Haha.

Joker: (puzzled look)

Co-worker: Caddyshack? Chevy Chase?

Joker: Haven't gotten around to that one.

Co-worker: OK what gives? When I gave that erotic gag gift from Spencer's to Floyd in sales -- the Chinese condoms, remember -- it just went over your head! Does anything make you laugh?

Joker: I have a...strange sense of humor.

Co-worker: Look I'm not judging you -- I get it, you are a part-time clown, everyone's taking it on the chin with this recession. But are clowns the only things that make you laugh?

Joker: No. (long pause) I like...physical comedy. You know...slapstick. I can watch people falling all day. All great comedy comes from pain. Not awkwardness, not non-sequiturs -- give me pure unbridled, unhinged agony anytime.

In all great comedy, someone has to get hurt. You know what the secret to comedy is?

Co-worker 1: Wha-(Joker shoves pencil in co-worker's eye)

Joker: Timing! Ahahahaha! (rest of the office laughs)

(voiceover announcer) William Shatner as The Joker, on The Office Thursdays this fall on NBC!

Friday, July 18, 2008

The College Of William And Mary-Juana

Speaking of alma maters, I went to Stony Brook University. I'm glad they went with the subtle drug reference. They could have called themselves Crack Cocaine Community College, with a NCAA Division III team called The Eagle Has Landed and a school song entitled "Tore Up On Cough Syrup With Codeine Again." Or they could have gone with a more obvious drug name like Berkeley.

Now I never tried drugs before I went to college, but you can't avoid pot while going to Stony Brook. That's like going to Smack My Bitch Up University and not listening to Prodigy.

The school team was called the Patriots but they changed their name to the Seawolves in the '90s. Imagine how that meeting went down:

They may seem to be clean-cut American patriot do-gooders, but we all know they shape shift into bloodthirsty marauding canine predators from the deep. This bowl is kicked.



Stony Brook is known for its medical program (read: medical marijuana-W00T!)

The most famous alum from Stony Brook is comedian Joy Behar. The second most famous alum is another comedian...me. Both of us are comedians because the only thing you learn at Stony B is how to smoke dope and crack wise.

Patton Oswalt Speech Gets Gettysburg Treatment

Patton Oswalt's recent high school speech has been analyzed and broken down as if it were the Gettysburg address by this former principal. Oswalt's comedy is so great it is worth literary exegesis.

I consider the following his "four score and seven years ago" moment:

“First off: Reputation, Posterity and Cool are traps. They’ll drain the life from your life. Reputation, Posterity and Cool = Fear.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Now THIS Is Funny

I so rarely put comedy videos up but just hearing the Sirius lady say "We're here to get people psyched about sex" is worth more than the price of admission.

New Self Deprecating Term To Describe My Brand Of Comedy

Mediogre

(NOTE: you have no idea how much time I've wasted trying to find a picture of an indifferent monster)

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

On A Personal Note:: Missed Connections

In this segment I tell humorous personal anecdotes. If you hate personal blog posts, skip this; there's plenty of non-personal stuff on this blog as well.

I was driving home the other day when my cell phone gave off a message alert. It was a picture message, so I was excited. I figured maybe it was a picture of me eating donuts from a garbage bag or something zany like that. Saying it was not zany is a masterpiece of understatement. It was a pic of a shirtless muscular guy I never met before.

It was the closest I've come to being raped by my cell phone. I pulled over trying to piece the puzzle together when I got a text message saying something to the effect of "Great convo last night. Have a good day at work-Mike."

The plot thickens.

Not to nitpick over shirtless meathead mobile phone etiquette, but shouldn't the message come before the pic? But I digress.

It was time to set this guy straight, no pun intended. I called him and let him know he had the wrong number. He was confused because he claimed his lover texted him back.

But he sent it to the wrong number; how could she have texted him back?

This is impossible unless I am living some schizoid Tyler Durden multiple personality relationship with a shirtless guy I don't remember. All I know is that I've never needed a new phone so bad in my life before.

NOTE: I just got texts from David Fincher and M. Night Shymalan for the rights to this blog post.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Eddie Murphy Returns To Only Thing He Was Good At


No more fat suits. After twenty some odd years, Murphy plans on returning onstage. This is great news. If only other major figures went back to doing things they were better at:

President George Bush announced today that he was going to return to managing the Houston Astros after his term was up. Bush also said that he would stop at nothing to get Sammy Sosa on the team. "I don't care if young fresh-faced Astros lose their lives, I'm gettin' SosQuatch," Bush said at a press conference at the Astrodome earlier today.

"I will say 'Mission Accomplished,' tricking Ferrari TestaSosa into thinking that he is on the Astros. There could be a hurricane in the southern region-unless it's a SosaStorm, I don't give a wet fart. I will wiretap every clubhouse in the US and Japan until I get my hands on SosaFrass."

"Mind you, I won't look for him in Cuba," Bush continued. "I will go to Baltimore, raise hell there and get Pete Rose, even though I want Spaghetti Sosa. I will even give a long-winded, overwritten speech in a one-dimensional blog post decrying my admittedly questionable policies."

"Worse comes to worse, pappy can buy me Sosa Nostra," Bush concluded, to scattered applause.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

An Incredible Song From A Terrible Movie With Kiefer Sutherland And Dennis Hopper

The 1990 film Flashback starred Kiefer Sutherland as an FBI agent and Dennis Hopper as a hippie. It's like the makers of 24 took a time machine and made a movie with the simple premise "What if Jack Bauer smoked grass and smelled like pathchoulie?"

And yet this song ("Bottom Line," which plays during the opening credits) from Big Audio Dynamite (led by Mick Jones from The Clash) is amazing. It's the much-sought after Def Jam remix and it is the very reason why most "dance rock" doesn't appeal to me: because ever since I've heard this jam I've been spoiled.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

A Room With A Vajayjay

I now work at an ob/gyn office (don't ask). My job is to sit in the back and not scare away the female ob/gyn patients or their children. The girls I work with have a very lewd, ribald sense of humor. Frequently, they insinuate that I have a small dick. So I called my girlfriend and asked her to give my coworkers a big penis testimonial. But she refused to vouch for the size of my dingleberry and my coworkers still maintain that I have a tiny taddywacker.

It's not easy having a big brajole either. My girlfriend says my Ed Wood is too big for anal sex or oral sex. Yes, my Barry Sonnenfeld is too big for her in door and her out door. But the girls who work with me at the tweeter mechanic will never believe me.

That story has no end. Neither does my donut duster. Penis thesaurus.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Mo Diggs As Guy Ernest

Thanks to my pals Abbi Crutchfield and Luke Thayer for the video, which was taped at Delusions of Spandex at Parkside Lounge. Check out their amazing Park Slope show The Living Room!

Monday, June 23, 2008

RIP

from my Dead Frog articles:

Though the ‘60s were a tumultuous time, the beatnik comedians like Bruce and Buckley were more vocal and popular than the hippie comedians. George Carlin was famous for his Hippy Dippy Weatherman character, which he would perform in clubs. But hippies were not fans of this character.

It wasn’t until the ‘70s that Carlin and Richard Pryor would bring the energy of the ‘60s counterculture into the world of comedy.


Wild and Crazy: ‘70s

By the early ‘70s, George Carlin seemed to be spinning his wheels in the mud. Nightclubs like the Copacabana wanted nothing to do with the bearded Dionysian madman with a foul mouth and a distaste for authority. Carlin wanted to play coffehouses and colleges, growing tired of the clubs, but hippie bastions like The Bitter End and The Troubador were also not embracing the new George Carlin (the Troubador eventually gave him a chance). Many hippies thought he was trying to hop on the bandwagon.

The release of his 1972 album, FM & AM, would change that. Spending thirty five weeks on the Billboard pop charts, the album was as important to comedy as Bob Dylan’s Bringing It All Back Home was to rock. Much like Bringing It All Back Home had one familiar acoustic side and one electric side, the AM side of the record had parodies of pop culture ephemera. The FM side showcased the new Carlin: the Carlin that talked about drugs, profanity and birth control.

Carlin was now welcome everywhere, including the coffeehouses and colleges that he loved so much.



Friday, June 20, 2008

Hey Bush...

You're all right. I just got my 600 check in the mail the other day. I have hated Dubya for nearly a decade, but never in the history of hatred has someone I loathed sent me 600 dollars. Even people I love don't give me 600 bucks. No wonder they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I would probably find reasons to like Hitler if he mailed me 600 smackaroons.

"I tell you that Hitler was a real-"
- "That reminds me, you got this check from the Hitler Corporation"


- (opens envelope) 600 dollars? (tips glasses) Well...Hitler is a vegetarian."

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Hardline Icecreamists


Baskin Robbins, also known as Dunkin Donuts, is introducing soft serve ice cream into their stores for the first time in its 60 year existence. 60 years-that's as old as the state of Israel (both are being slowly invaded by Arabs). A little late to the party there, BR-31. I would love to be a fly on the wall of that boardroom meeting:

Our ice cream must be hard, not soft like those impotent lollygaggers at Carvel. We've got an army of 31 flavors and they are all harder than Black Sabbath before Ronnie James Dio took over. Soft! Everything is soft for kids these days. When I was ten and I accidentally bit into a hard rum raisin cone, i got a brain freeze. I enjoyed the pain though. It made me feel like I was alive. I found out what I was made of. Soft serve ice cream. It's not even ice cream, it's just cream.

-Sir, with all due respect soft serve is cheaper to produce.

- Aaah, I guess we can soften our stance

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Found Humor: Web 2.0-No


Found Humor is a new column in which I post things that I find that are funny. These things are either unintentionally funny or slightly funny (ie, a droll Wikipedia entry).


It may seem cheap to make fun of music videos by what we can only assume are struggling musicians, but this video has the classic film countdown reel, opening credits and a little boy playing trumpet. Despite the otherwise literal nature of this video, the singer (Dom Bianco) is dressed like a detective without any obvious motive. Like Inspector Closseau. The same zaftig blondie gesticulates wildly and screams every other second. Watch for the gratuitous footage of his guitar frets. And check him out with the sombrero and umbrella drink.

Friday, June 13, 2008

On a Personal Note: In Poor Taste

In this segment I tell humorous personal anecdotes. If you hate personal blog posts, skip this; there's plenty of non-personal stuff on this blog as well.

Father's Day is around the corner. I hope it's as delightful as my stepfather's birthday was.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
Me
Mom
Stepdad AKA Substitute Pappy AKA Vice Dad

We got ready to eat cake (as we are wont to do as Western civivlians) and you know I love cake.

But this was no ordinary cake. This was the fabled, much sought-after erotic cake experience.



It was a gift from Vice Dad's co-worker, Candi. It is difficult to choose a good gift for a coworker, so we were lucky she opted for a pragmatic, appropriate and morally astute gift not one that makes her appear to be a homewrecking jezebel.

The cake was a pair of supple youthful breasts; very pleasing form. The color was amazing as well. It wasn't a flesh tone-OH GOODNESS could you have been thinking these were flesh toned breasts? No; that would be alienating and emotionally scarring. These fun bags were hot pink. Why, it looked like the bride of Franken Berry's bilateral mammogram.

Make no mistake: I am aware of the breast feeding metaphor here. The only difference is this time there's a knife, a fork and a stepfather involved.

The fun did not end that night either. The mutilated, disembodied breasts were encased in a plastic molding, making the fridge look like a crime scene: it was like Hannibal Lecter's Cryogenic Laboratory.

This father's day-or better yet my mother's birthday-me and my stepdad will get my mom a penis and vagina cake respectively to celebrate the birth ritual. OH DRAT-I forgot, I can't make their birthday parties for the next 40 fucking years.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Mundane Dream Journal: Chicago Rentals


After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I had a dream that I rented a car in Chicago and forgot where the dealership was. This represents my repressed desire to eat copy machine toner with purple ribbons.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Mein Einfach Kampf (My Easy Struggle)

I tried to read this Wired article on how social networking is going to embolden social activists, but then I read this line:

Rattray wants to make it easy for people who want to make lasting social change to find opportunities, and to network with others online.

You mean cutting class, smoking grass and making picket signs ain't easy enough? You are a social ACTIVist. Get active for chrissakes.

I am lazier than a three toed sloth on an Oxycontin bender, but I've marched in two, maybe three protests. It is not that hard.

I'm also worried that people are going to romanticize this generation 20 years from now for texting and social networking in service of the revLOLution.

Something tells me black and white agit prop cat videos are not too far behind.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Remembrance of Videos Past #58: Night Ranger, "The Secret of My Success"

My problem with '80s humor isn't so much the nostalgia; it's that those who dabble in it rarely go for the deep cuts. The only way you can remember this is if you saw the hit Michael J. Fox preppy comedy of the same name. This song sounds like an '80s comedy, with gauche synths and over-the-top horn charts.

Why is this video funny?

1) The mugging and smiling at the camera is sincere;
2) It's a rock song about success. Does it get less rock and roll than that? If this song were a bigger hit, we surely would have been deluged with songs about APR financing and stock options.

Stay tuned for the aggro hi-five at around 4:32.

HELP ME READERS: Is that really Weird Al and Motley Crue as the horn section?


Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Rififi Open Mike Tonite AGAIN

It's now a weekly open mike.

Come to Rififi on Wednesdays at 9:30 to sign up in a lottery for one of 7 available slots in front of an audience. The Rififi folks will try to keep the Gelmania audience around to watch the show, which starts at 10:00.



There will be six 5-minute slots available and one ten-minute headlining spot, which will be picked at the end of the show. So if you don't get the first six slots, stick around and look at your notes-you may get the headlining spot.



I will host. Hope to see you there.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Rififi Open Mike Tonight!

Come to Rififi on Wednesday at 10:00 to sign up in a lottery for one of 7 available slots in front of an audience. The Rififi folks will try to keep the Gelmania audience around to watch the show, which starts at 10:30.



There will be six 5-minute slots available and one ten-minute headlining spot, which will be picked at the end of the show. So if you don't get the first six slots, stick around and look at your notes-you may get the headlining spot.



I will host. Hope to see you there.


AND before that...

Soundfix Comedy Returns Tonight!

John Knefel and Ed Murray will combine their shows tonight (The Bum, The Very Best Of The Ed Murray Show) to bring you amazing comedy acts such as:

yannis pappas
dan goodman
josyln hughes
and
alex grubard

and sketches from
the impending moustache
and
murderfist.



I will do a sketch at the beginning

sound fix is at bedford and north 11th. show starts at 8pm. as always, no cover, no drink min.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Mo’s History of American Alternative Comedy

Check out this great Dead Frog Series I'm writing all week.

Part 1

Part 2

Stay tuned for part 3 later today!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Canadians: Are They "Da New Niggaz"?

Anybody can post videos from the usual suspects (Tim and Eric, Whitest Kids U Know) but how about fresh new faces from the comedy underground? Check out this video featuring Todd Montesi, Joe Maywalt, Calvin Cato, Tom Nevin, Ruben Mehta, Matt Nagin, Bodger Millard and many others.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Zen Jokewriting Journal #5

I was inspired by Matt Ruby's post to "keep speaking no matter what." In this case, writing.

My muscles are tense and my belly feels like it is full of honey and heartache. Death seems like sleep to me: I need it. I feel like I'm death deprived. I really need to die-been awake too long. Led Zeppelin and birds. Mandolins. Mandolins have a nice trilling sound. For a metal band Zep used a lot of mandolins. They used a pan flute too right? I wanna do that. Do excessive cock comedy and piss off the hipsters. Blech my ear is itchy.

My mom made me shave my beard. I wanted to keep it but she wouldn't stop her Rosie Perez yelp. This piercing shriek. The shriek gives you power but people don't like you. It's kind of like having nukes-everyone fears you no one likes you.

Outer bor-

You know what? Even food is being hit by the recession. Food. Even McDonald's-the service economy-is being hit. You may have trouble getting a job at McDonald's. Ear hair.

At least I can catch up on my death when I'm unemployed.

Ahh, that's bleak.

I'm just sayin, death like sleep

Coma

that sounds good

So does Sizzlers

Sizzlers would put me in a coma.

Itchiness

Death has to get rid of itchiness right

Coffee makes me feel guilty'

I wonder how much coffee Hitler drank

Did he play Mandolins
and piss off hippies

He was a vegetarian

Nyah nyah

My wrists

My wrists need rest
Eternal rest

Monday, April 21, 2008

Remembrance of Videos Past #57: Motley Crue, "You're All I Need"

No one's more tired of being ironically dismissive of hair metal than I am. But this is a deep cut like no other.

When I was 14 in 1990 and I first heard this power ballad, Motley Crue's "You're All I Need" off 1987's Girls, Girls, Girls, my whole moral foundation was shaken. Vince Neil sings about stabbing his girlfriend in the heart because she doesn't love him. Talk about a kiss-off. I stared at the lyrics in the liner notes that came with the cassette tape, trying in vain to read between the lines. I even asked my friend Bill if Vince Neil meant it. Bill was like "He wants to kill her-that's hilarious. Why aren't you laughing you pussy." So I laughed it off.

Here we are, nearly twenty years later, and I find this song on YouTube. This song is like the national anthem...of a nation called White Trash...ica. You thought you've read the worst YouTube comments, check out this little hosanna here:


this video is soo sweet! i mean this song is about a man and he loves this girl so much that he would kill her so no one else could have her, i think thats pretty remarkable how motley crue put that into a great song!!!! MOTLEY FUCKIN CRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing says love like being driven by a smoldering murderous rage and thrusting a steak knife into your girlfriend's left ventricle.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

3 Things I Learned The Hard Way

Comedian/friend Abbi Crutchfield (who did my show [Comedy Ain't Noise Pollution] on April 12) asked me to discuss 3 things I learned the hard way. Here goes:


1) Crack is Wack




One time I was dating this white trash belle. I walked in on her neighbor's garage. They were huddled around a blunt. I smoked some with them and stared out into the swampland. I turned around and they were rolling another blunt with crack rocks in it. They offered it to me and I said "No thanks, I don't smoke crack." D Rock said "It's not crack, it's coke. Plus you just smoked it." TA-DA!!!! So I realized I didn't like crack...$180 later that night.

2)Never Go To A Chain Restaurant By Yourself

You look like a creep. The hostess says "Party of ONE?!" The waitress says "Hey guys" to you and feels embarrassed. The other tables think you are a creep. You have to spend a LONG time avoiding eye contact with the other patrons. Don't get me started on DRINKING alone at Chili's with Bread playing on the PA.

3) Never Tell A Girl You Have A Crush On That You're Suicidal


In high school I had a crush on this girl named Gina. Her friend told me she was suicidal but told me not to tell her he told me so. Can you say COMMON INTERESTS?

I would call her and say "I'm suicidal. Sometimes I don't know why I go on." She said "Um...that's nice." I called her the next day and said "You don't get it. I'm really suicidal. Here's a poem I wrote." A few months later of this, I was called into the principal's office and had to see a psychiatrist. MORAL OF THE STORY: Never tell a girl you'll die for her more than once.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Jokes I Hope Chris Rock Does Not Tell Opening For Metallica

Yes, we know, indie comedians are getting love at indie rock shows. But is this really the next logical step?

Now, Bonnaroo is trying to up its own ante, slotting its first comedian for the main stage at the 2008 event in mid-June. Chris Rock will perform right before Metallica, to what Farman estimates should be 70,000-80,000 people.

It's your move, Chris Rock. You can either tell funny jokes or make shitty Metallica jokes. Call me paranoid, but these are the jokes I'm afraid you'll come up with:

You know shit is fucked up when a bunch of white people is beating each other up and screaming "Master, Master."

Color our world blackened? Shit, you can't even color Brooklyn blackened anymore!

All daddy would get was the big piece of blackened chicken.


Fans called their self-titled 1991 album The Black Album. I call it "the white trash album."

My Wall Street Journal

If you don't read HuffPo or Digg, you may not have heard of a naked Ann Coulter in a satirical newspaper that a thin-skinned media mogul does not want you to read (no, not Hugh Hefner).

Want to rankle Rupert Murdoch like a festering boil? BUY THIS PAPER (before his people buy all copies)!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Content Is Not King

Rule numero uno to making a viral: content is not king (via Medium)



Same can be said for comedy: content is not as important as form. The punchline must be louder than the set-up.

Example:

Guatemalan president Jacobo Arbenz was outsted in a coup d'etat led by the CIA...IN 1954!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Remembrance of Videos Past #56: Ugly Kid Joe, "Neighbor"

What was the link between SNL and Ugly Kid Joe? "Everything About You" was in "Wayne's World." And in this video a fear-stricken Pat hides from the new noisy metal neighbors next door.

Ugly Kid Joe, like SNL, have an adolescent appeal about them. Teens who could not go to bars would watch SNL live and giggle at Hans and Frans. Ugly Kid Joe had the most sophomoric lyrics imaginable. "Everything About You" may be the most popular hate rock song in history. "Neighbor" 's chorus distorts the Mr. Rogers theme and has the protagonist picking his toe jam and smelling his socks.

If any early '90s metal bridge will remind you of what a loser you are, try this:

"I drink, and I stink
I smoke, I'm a joke"

There is a whiff of revolution in this song: white trash lowering the property value. I would pay to watch families like this gentrify Brooklyn. Imagine Ugly Kid Joe scaring an androgynous hipster who looks like Pat?

This video is like a shitty blockbuster comedy without the shitty blockbuster comedy (unless you count this).

I HOPE I DIDN'T RUIN YOUR DAY!