Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Eddie Murphy Returns To Only Thing He Was Good At


No more fat suits. After twenty some odd years, Murphy plans on returning onstage. This is great news. If only other major figures went back to doing things they were better at:

President George Bush announced today that he was going to return to managing the Houston Astros after his term was up. Bush also said that he would stop at nothing to get Sammy Sosa on the team. "I don't care if young fresh-faced Astros lose their lives, I'm gettin' SosQuatch," Bush said at a press conference at the Astrodome earlier today.

"I will say 'Mission Accomplished,' tricking Ferrari TestaSosa into thinking that he is on the Astros. There could be a hurricane in the southern region-unless it's a SosaStorm, I don't give a wet fart. I will wiretap every clubhouse in the US and Japan until I get my hands on SosaFrass."

"Mind you, I won't look for him in Cuba," Bush continued. "I will go to Baltimore, raise hell there and get Pete Rose, even though I want Spaghetti Sosa. I will even give a long-winded, overwritten speech in a one-dimensional blog post decrying my admittedly questionable policies."

"Worse comes to worse, pappy can buy me Sosa Nostra," Bush concluded, to scattered applause.

4 comments:

Abbi said...

Jobs other celebrity addicts should have had based on natural life paths:

Britney Spears as floor supervisor of Bed Bath and Beyond.

Whitney Houston as assistant minister of an evangelical Megachurch.

Pete Doherty as a busboy at various chains of the British equivalent of Applebee's (which I believe is called Applebee's).

Amy Winehouse as a museum curator.

Lindsay Lohan as a receptionist at Century 21.

Aalap said...

good news to hear but I have to quibble with the title of this post.

Eddie Murphy was great in Coming to America and Trading Places, two of my favorite comedies of all time.

If he went back to making movies like that I'd consider that a gift.

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