Friday, September 28, 2007

Egyptian Deductive Logic Comedy Hour

I am Egyptian

There is a product called Egyptian Magic

It is a cream

You do the math

You sure you don't want to wipe my Egyptian cream off your face?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

America To Dane Cook: Fuck Chuck

Our great nation is like Tina Turner—constantly in love with these abusive, cocky Ike Turners before waking up and showing those broke-ass jive turkeys the door. Except, unlike The GILF Goddess, America’s too late. The Bush Backlash began two years ago—after he was reelected, natch. Now Dane Cook has flopped at the box office yet again with Good Luck Chuck. But he’s still the Mayor of MySpace.

Why is the Cook-Alba sex romp such a bomb?

Two reasons:

"Both of them know how to a deliver a joke," she began. "Dane has lived funny. Larry [David] knows funny and just is funny. You know what I mean? And the beauty of working with Larry is that there's no script. With Dane and I, because it was a script we had to make it seem like it was unfolding. We had to work a little harder to get the spontaneity, but we didn't mind doing the work."

So he has difficulty thinking of jokes? He can steal write jokes, but when asked to think of one on the spot, he caterwauls and prances like a Russian disco instructor.

Second reason:
Theory Number Two—Nobody Wants to See Him with Hot Goofy Chicks: Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot. My dad has a crush on her. She can happily tell you that her tooth is fake, point it out and somehow still look like a glamazon. She's happy-hot, too. When Dane made one of his offbeat references to The Wizard of Oz at the premiere, she laughed, "Where does he get these references? I don't even think of them!"
"I don't know," he said. "I'm inspired by you and your shiny dress."
So goes the pattern for Dane. Team up with a hot chick who has yet to make a big romantic comedy—Jessica Simpson and Alba—and make them crack up. It's a noble cause, but Dane's fans are not gonna pay to see him swap spit with hot nice-seeming twentysomethings. He would have better box office if he romanced an elder hot chick, like maybe Goldie Hawn. Don't you agree?

What? You mean sexy people aren't funny? What's not to laugh at? Dude with pecs shoots his wad on more snatch than Guy Ritchie? I mean come on, look at the central conflict--guy gets girls, guy doesn't get one girl, guy eventually gets one girl. If you can't empathize, you oughtta be smacked by Ike Turner.

Remembrance Of Videos Past #50: Joe Public, “Live and Learn”

I love that old saw, “You’ve got to live and learn.” But every time I say it, this terrible New Jack Swing monstrosity comes to mind. Worst part about it is my girlfriend and I are the only ones who remember this song and we both hate it.

Much as I abhor this shitty ditty, I confess I am enamored with those backward trumpet samples. Like Terminator X is on the 1 and 2.

Still, the band’s name is Joe Public, which is fitting because the band is as unrecognizable as your average Joe Public or Joe Scmoe.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

What Ahmadinejad Said Off-Stage At Columbia University

Yeah, we all know, Ahmadinejad, president of Iran, said there are no gays in Iran and that the Holocaust didn’t happen during his little press junket at Columbia University. But if you think that was shocking, you have no idea what was overheard coming out of his bilious, hairy mouth when he toured the rest of the campus.

Student Union: We don’t have wacky, college humor newspapers in Iran. Well, except for The HA!-locaust. It’s like our version of The Onion with funny fake news stories about the fake Holocaust

We have no Internet in Iran. Only Sega CDs with looped footage of my speeches.

What is this Night Trap you speak of?

Science Building:
Oh, so that’s what uranium is. I thought it was an aquarium filled with piss.

Frat Party:
Awww, man. Why you gotta lip the blunt like that? It’s like you’re an Iranian male prostitute swallowing the firm, thick, veiny penis of a tough Middle Eastern leader who likes wearing Member’s Only jackets. What?

You ladies really need to wash your burkas. Am I right, fellas?

Friday, September 21, 2007

Mundane Dream Journal: Britney’s Toxic DVD

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I had a dream that I was watching a Britney Spears movie on DVD that was so bad, I stopped watching it and did some work from home. This represents my repressed desire to shit on my estranged father’s chest.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Punch Lines Take A Beating In The Press

SHECKYmagazine shines when it tackles the media’s apparent bias against punch lines. In January, they called out the LA Times’ bias against mainstream comedy and now they caught this article in attacking punch lines in television shows.

From the article:

Comedy isn't dead, it's just been outsourced - to shows more like Weeds than Everybody Loves Raymond. Shows that are not so much sitcoms as sitcomish, single-camera conceits that are slick and dramatic (but not quite so dramatic to be considered dramedies) - but also consistently funny. Like 30 Rock or The Office. Shows that do not pause for three seconds after the joke, shows that don't acknowledge there's been a joke at all. Shows that on paper might not be funny at all.

Now I appreciate awkward comedy, anti-humor, avant garde comedy, etc. as much as the next bitter, media-obsessed scribe. But do we really have to choose? Is it so wrong to have punch lines? Must everything be subtle and dry? Must everybody be a disciple of the Del Close/Andy Kaufman School of What The Fuck?

Consider the great comedians who use punch lines (Demetri Martin, Patton Oswalt, Doug Benson, Chris Rock). Are these comedians wrong for entertaining us with written jokes that have set-ups and resolutions?

Of course, critics have a built-in postmodern, academic bias against resolutions. Everything must be open-ended. No resolutions or statements allowed.

Ironically, I can’t find a satisfying resolution for this blog post. Happy now, you joke-hating fucktards?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Mundane Dream Journal: MyDreamSpace

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I dreamt that I checked my MySpace profile to see if the Mates of State song successfully loaded to my profile. I woke up before I could find out. This represents my repressed desire to have copious amounts of unctuous sex with vintage footwear.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Quirk Off

According to this Atlantic Monthly article (via BuzzFeed), the quirky hipster sensibility behind Miranda July, Wes Anderson and This American Life is passe. Though I'm not sure I agree with all his examples (Flight of the Conchords transcends trendiness), I had tried to express a similar sentiment when I was interviewed by Time Out New York, saying that hipsters might ruin comedy. Like I say in the interview, they haven’t necessarily done so, but there is a great danger they might. Two things to add to what I said in TONY:

a) Quirk might not be such a problem, but the prejudice against non-quirk is a bit much. Heaven forbid anyone make anything close to a statement about anything. One of the few things that mainstream comedy can still do better than alternative comedy is put what’s wrong with the world (war, bigotry, etc.) into perspective. Irony has its place, but it seems like outrage against the war doesn’t play well in the alt rooms. I haven’t seen it anyway. In fairness, comedians are rarely able to pull off anti-establishment screeds as well as Hicks or Carlin did, but, like Michael Hirschorn says in the Atlantic Monthly article, irony is easy, which means that it often comes across cheap.

b) Irony is cheap because it is far from a scarce resource. But, just like too many cheap Dollar Menu burgers make you sick, too much irony—especially the nerdy, “robot vs. ninja” hipster/nerd variety, can be cloying. I guess it’s like indie rock—after a while, the clich├ęs wear on you, but the mainstream is far worse.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

In Search Of The Elusive Vagina Reynolds

I searched for "Vagina Reynolds" and tracked her history.
First, I saw her in the site Asia Pacific Cyber Games. But only her name was there. No communication was picked up with Vagina Reynolds.

In Front Page mag, she made a comment about censorship. When you click on the comment: the page cannot be found.

Finally, in a site about see-through lingerie from Kiev, she disappears in an interminable sea of Google ads.

Where in the web is Vagina Reynolds?
Here's a picture.

This Is Why Rolling Stone Will Never Shut The Fuck Up About Bruce Springsteen

Monday, September 10, 2007

Schedules: Future Of Viral Vids

This article on online comedy initiatives in the latest issue of TONY has an interesting detail in the print edition: it gives the release date of the Bill Murray viral video, which was released today.

FCU with Bill Murray

So is this the future of viral video? Will we have Fall Viral Video Previews? A summer viral season? Will Star Wars Kid fans be skeptical of upcoming sequels? Like Star Wars Kids?

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't look forward to a future of Chocolate Rain forecasts.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Comedians Are Bad Porn Actors

We’ve all heard that old canard: people become comedians because they want to make people laugh. That’s like saying people get into porn because they like to fuck. Who doesn’t like to fuck or make people laugh?

Just like almost every porn star was sexually abused, 99 percent of comics were verbally abused. Good comedians want to make people laugh; great comedians want revenge.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the porn and comedy industries are filled with fuck-ups; the industries themselves are capitalist perversions of things that humans have naturally enjoyed. Getting a rim job, sharing a laugh—these are intimate moments that normal people are content with experiencing without an audience or a paycheck.

And just like a porn actor’s worst nightmare is impotence, a comedian’s worst nightmare is being successfully zung by the school bully.

Sometimes those bullies aren’t people but institutions (religion, capitalism, Aerosmith). From Richard Pryor to David Cross, comedians have had a chip on their shoulder.

Aerosmith: the reason for alternative rock and comedy

So do I like to make people laugh? Almost as much as I want to make bullies cry and porn stars cum.

You Are Not As Over It As You Think You Are

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

How Drugs Can Enhance Brain-To-Game Interface

"Direct Brain-to-Game Interface Worries Scientists", the headline says. But drugs can enhance the experience:

So I push this button?

You eat more power-ups

Controls are rapid-fire

Every level is a warp zone

You act like every game is Dance Dance Revolution

Game over

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

How To Be A Hateful Comedian

It's not easy being a totalitarian nowadays. Everyone is so PC. Stand-up comedy is the only field left where you can say whatever you want, damn the consequences. But what if you fall prey to the Kramer effect and no one wants to work with you again? Don't fret; this How-To will do plenty to teach you what it takes to be the best of the bilious.

1) ALWAYS pick an easy target

Don't bother going after specific ideologies (trickle down economics) or deflating certain fantasies (macho politically incorrect fantasy). Always go after Asians, Indians or retards (AIR).

2) When in doubt, curse

Fuck the shopping list; we all remember Lenny Bruce because he talked dirty. So let's say you can't quite articulate why the austere cultural traditions of Asians piss you off--just bob and weave like a drunk and say "fucking Asians."

3) You Love Nothing

Well, seriously speaking, you love thinking about William S. Burroughs licking mint tea off a Moroccan manservant's firm nut sac, but never say that onstage. If anything, say you hate the things you love.

4) NEVER say you hate pussy or beer

Say you hate football, say you hate America but never say you hate pussy or beer. Don't even say you hate the taste of pussy and beer. In fact, you might do yourself a favor and say that nothing tastes better than some 19-year-old Russian poon soaked in freshly-brewed lager

5) You hate your life even if you are rich and handsome

You have a girlfriend who blows you and buys you tickets to see action movies. Nope; she's still a shrewish cunt that is unworthy of your love. You are actually proficient at your day job and are gainfully employed; onstage, you remember that you are a pissed-off waiter who hates people with special orders

6) If you've found enlightenment after visiting that ashram in the Midwest that your roommate can't shut up about, make fun of your roommate

Aww come on man. If you were really enlightened you would know that suffering is a part of the human condition so you would suffer onstage then after the show snort some devil's dandruff off a drunk hooker's tits.

7) But what if some guy gets me on camera phone being an obnoxious blowhard? Like what happened to Kramer?

Get out a Super Soaker and squirt it at random audience members. Squirt it at all cell phones. That way the cell phone user will be electrocuted. At the very least, the evidence will be destroyed.

8) And how about those fucking Muslims?

Seriously. Crowd work is never easy. but rally the crowd behind concentration camps for Muslims and you are heckle-proof. If you are Muslim, then you should still say it. You people are killing yourselves blowing yourselves up anyway, concentration camps are good for the environment and y'all go to heaven quicker.

9) There is never too much hate

Secret: hateful guys get pussy. Try it. Get drunk and yell at everybody in a bar. See how much ferocious pussy you drain your hateful balls with.

10) What about the alt-rooms?

Sure I get it. You want some indie intercourse. Some Lower East Side Snatch. Some Park Slope poon. Just say you hate Nickelback. Which is true if you know how to read this list and have a high-speed Internet connection anyway.