Tuesday, September 04, 2007

How To Be A Hateful Comedian

It's not easy being a totalitarian nowadays. Everyone is so PC. Stand-up comedy is the only field left where you can say whatever you want, damn the consequences. But what if you fall prey to the Kramer effect and no one wants to work with you again? Don't fret; this How-To will do plenty to teach you what it takes to be the best of the bilious.

1) ALWAYS pick an easy target

Don't bother going after specific ideologies (trickle down economics) or deflating certain fantasies (macho politically incorrect fantasy). Always go after Asians, Indians or retards (AIR).

2) When in doubt, curse

Fuck the shopping list; we all remember Lenny Bruce because he talked dirty. So let's say you can't quite articulate why the austere cultural traditions of Asians piss you off--just bob and weave like a drunk and say "fucking Asians."

3) You Love Nothing

Well, seriously speaking, you love thinking about William S. Burroughs licking mint tea off a Moroccan manservant's firm nut sac, but never say that onstage. If anything, say you hate the things you love.

4) NEVER say you hate pussy or beer

Say you hate football, say you hate America but never say you hate pussy or beer. Don't even say you hate the taste of pussy and beer. In fact, you might do yourself a favor and say that nothing tastes better than some 19-year-old Russian poon soaked in freshly-brewed lager

5) You hate your life even if you are rich and handsome

You have a girlfriend who blows you and buys you tickets to see action movies. Nope; she's still a shrewish cunt that is unworthy of your love. You are actually proficient at your day job and are gainfully employed; onstage, you remember that you are a pissed-off waiter who hates people with special orders

6) If you've found enlightenment after visiting that ashram in the Midwest that your roommate can't shut up about, make fun of your roommate

Aww come on man. If you were really enlightened you would know that suffering is a part of the human condition so you would suffer onstage then after the show snort some devil's dandruff off a drunk hooker's tits.

7) But what if some guy gets me on camera phone being an obnoxious blowhard? Like what happened to Kramer?

Get out a Super Soaker and squirt it at random audience members. Squirt it at all cell phones. That way the cell phone user will be electrocuted. At the very least, the evidence will be destroyed.

8) And how about those fucking Muslims?

Seriously. Crowd work is never easy. but rally the crowd behind concentration camps for Muslims and you are heckle-proof. If you are Muslim, then you should still say it. You people are killing yourselves blowing yourselves up anyway, concentration camps are good for the environment and y'all go to heaven quicker.

9) There is never too much hate

Secret: hateful guys get pussy. Try it. Get drunk and yell at everybody in a bar. See how much ferocious pussy you drain your hateful balls with.

10) What about the alt-rooms?

Sure I get it. You want some indie intercourse. Some Lower East Side Snatch. Some Park Slope poon. Just say you hate Nickelback. Which is true if you know how to read this list and have a high-speed Internet connection anyway.

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