America To Dane Cook: Fuck Chuck

Our great nation is like Tina Turner—constantly in love with these abusive, cocky Ike Turners before waking up and showing those broke-ass jive turkeys the door. Except, unlike The GILF Goddess, America’s too late. The Bush Backlash began two years ago—after he was reelected, natch. Now Dane Cook has flopped at the box office yet again with Good Luck Chuck. But he’s still the Mayor of MySpace.

Why is the Cook-Alba sex romp such a bomb?

Two reasons:

"Both of them know how to a deliver a joke," she began. "Dane has lived funny. Larry [David] knows funny and just is funny. You know what I mean? And the beauty of working with Larry is that there's no script. With Dane and I, because it was a script we had to make it seem like it was unfolding. We had to work a little harder to get the spontaneity, but we didn't mind doing the work."

So he has difficulty thinking of jokes? He can steal write jokes, but when asked to think of one on the spot, he caterwauls and prances like a Russian disco instructor.

Second reason:
Theory Number Two—Nobody Wants to See Him with Hot Goofy Chicks: Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot. My dad has a crush on her. She can happily tell you that her tooth is fake, point it out and somehow still look like a glamazon. She's happy-hot, too. When Dane made one of his offbeat references to The Wizard of Oz at the premiere, she laughed, "Where does he get these references? I don't even think of them!"
"I don't know," he said. "I'm inspired by you and your shiny dress."
So goes the pattern for Dane. Team up with a hot chick who has yet to make a big romantic comedy—Jessica Simpson and Alba—and make them crack up. It's a noble cause, but Dane's fans are not gonna pay to see him swap spit with hot nice-seeming twentysomethings. He would have better box office if he romanced an elder hot chick, like maybe Goldie Hawn. Don't you agree?

What? You mean sexy people aren't funny? What's not to laugh at? Dude with pecs shoots his wad on more snatch than Guy Ritchie? I mean come on, look at the central conflict--guy gets girls, guy doesn't get one girl, guy eventually gets one girl. If you can't empathize, you oughtta be smacked by Ike Turner.