Thursday, June 28, 2007

Eight Things You Don’t Know About Me

Ray has tagged me for an “Eight Things You Don’t Know About Me” meme.

Here are the rules:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Here are mine:

1) I used to collect girl dolls as a kid For the straightest reasons too; I wanted to see what Jem looked like naked

2) I used to think "tits" was a Korean word I spent my childhood in Flushing, Queens with Korean kids that peppered their everyday speech with Korean words. I thought tits was one of them. I was shocked to hear a white guy say it in an American movie.

3) I like some Sugar Ray songs

Well just this one

I know, Mark McGrath is a meathead and usually Sugar Ray sucks, but it's good to imagine this song during the "rough relationship" part of the soundtrack of your life (forgive English sucky, I have to go to work)

4) I used to love Billy Joel's "You're Only Human (Second Wind)" This was at the time of Ozzy Osbourne's "Suicide Solution" controversy and this song was a life-affirming answer to that

5) KISS used to scare the shit out of me
I mustered some courage when I was ten and saw the opening credits of KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. I've never been the same since.

6) I shat my pants after eating Burger King
Good thing I worked at an animals shelter when it happened -- imagine I shat my pants at an editorial meeting or the UCB?

7) I'm on the watch list Everytime they tell me this, they hit the return key on their keyboard and say I'm ok to board. It's like a boring, awkward version of Phillip K. Dick.

8)I smoked crack by accident I was hanging with these street toughs and they rolled a blunt. I smoked it and it tasted funny. They explained I was smoking a banger-a blunt with crack in it. Changed my life, much like the KISS movie did.

Read these great bloggers who will hopefully play along:

Hopefully these bloggers will play along:

The Apiary

Dead Frog


Stereogum (Scott and Amrit)

French Fry Head

Third Evolution

My Daily Observational Humor

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Friday, June 22, 2007

Potential Seinfeld Scandals

First Kramer gives a racist rant.

Then Jerry tells a creepy rape joke.

Guess birds of a feather rape bees with forks up their asses together.

Here are some other potential scandals that are bound to put Seinfeld in a negative light:

George Costanza calls for genocide on tall people, or a tall-ocaust.

Elaine pushes Cubans off a raft, screaming "Get out!"

Newman mails "anthrax" to the cast of Thank God You're Here as a prank

The Soup Nazi stops serving matzo ball soup -- and Jews.

Babu is seen pouring hot nacho cheese on Malaysian servants.

J. Peterman bounces a check.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Speaking of Summer Comedy Films...

Whip It Out

College Humor

Summer Comedy Trailer Music

You know how trailers for summer film comedies seem to have that one ubiquitous song? I predict that song will be OK Go's "Here It Goes Again."

"Meet Chad Buchman"
"Never made it with the ladies"dadadadadadadada
"But now he is a mongoose cop"

(record scratch) Jessica Alba: "Where's my girdle?"

Buchman: "Gulp."

"Uh here it goes here it goes..."
Jon Reep. Jessica Alba. Mongoose Patrol.

Here's a list of ubiquitous summer comedy trailer anthems from summers past:

Smash Mouth, "Can't Get Enough of You Baby"
Third Eye Blind, "Semi-Charmed Life"
Pussycat Dolls, "Don'cha"
House of Pain, "Jump Around"

Add any anthems I missed in the comments.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mundane Dream Journal: Longest Soap Opera

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I was wondering what the longest-running soap opera in history was in my dream. I guessed "Days of Our Lives" and as if to confirm it the iconic hourglass appeared on TV. This represents my repressed desire to fuck possum corpses.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Google Maps Extreme Street View

Fucking brilliant video from Sean Crespo poking fun at Google Maps. By "poking" I mean "I'm glad he doesn't have a rectal prolapse."

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

New Gag Reel

Click on this link and read it please. Just check out the DVD pick at least.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Maxim's Review of Dane Cook's Performance in Mr. Brooks

Maxim is one of the few publications to give a positive review of Mr. Brooks. Haven't read the review yet but here's how I imagine it would read.

Bro, Dane Cook's performance bros the competition's out of the water. Dane Cook is full of bro-vado. I got paid to review this film but I'm gonna keep spending money until I'm bro-ke. Bro bro-ke. Cook has worked his ass off - he's paid his dudes. He's just one circle jerk and paddle whack away from bro'in up and becoming a movie star. I hear he likes bromide. No the band the Bro Bremmels. That's it. Anyway, he's overdude for an Oscar. Bro-vo Dane Cook, Bro-vo. Hey they should call it Mr. Cooks. Wait even better: Mr. Bro-ooks. Bro dude Axe Body Spray Hootie.

Friday, June 08, 2007

On a Personal Note: How To Namedrop Films At The ER

In this segment I tell humorous personal anecdotes. If you hate personal blog posts, skip this; there's plenty of non-personal stuff on this blog as well.

I've set the record for the amount of times "corneal abrasion" has been mentioned in a blog. Fine. One last time. My girlfriend took me to the ER when I first felt the abrasion. It felt like I had a Dorito stuck in my eye. One of those 3-D ones.

Anyhoosier, the doctor was shining this light into my eye to look at the abrasion. She wanted my girlfriend to look. Instead, my lover winced, saying it reminded her too much of Un Chien Andalou. My doctor did not get the reference but I did.

Never before had I wished to be more ignorant of Surrealist film history. While the doctor effortlessly went about her business, I was shrieking like a kitten in a vat of whipped cream. The doctor anaesthetized my eye so I felt no pain but never had a film reference cause me so much anguish. Why couln't she reference The Wizard or even The Garbage Pail Kids Movie? She could have even referenced Die Hard. I wonder if she has a list of films that directly correspond to their respective ailments?

Dick trauma: There's Something About Mary

Pregnancy: Junior

Anguish: Zapped

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Drink At Work Vlogs

I would try to bring the funny myself but dammit I just got over a scratch on my fucking cornea. So let me outsource the giggles to Carol and Sean from Drink at Work, who are both vlogging on NBC's DotComedy.

Monday, June 04, 2007

See You Thursday

I have a corneal abrasion and can't spend too much time on the computer till Thursday

Friday, June 01, 2007

Hey DJ Who Leaked Icky Thump...

Don't act like you be surpreezeed that Jack White got mad you leaked his album. Yeah, I said it, Jack White's album. It's as much Meg's album as it is Mark McGrath's.

Here are some other things that may, believe it or not, put Whitey in the throes of homicidal rage:

- Screaming "Detroit what" at his kitten's funeral.

- Describing his music as a mix between Smashing Pumpkins and Zwan.

- Giving him a drive-by manicure at a strip mall.

- Locking him in a charnel house. Yup, that alone will do it.

One of these has a Pepsi Rewards bottle cap*

- Saying he's too "white," hyena laughing it up and giving off one of those fucking grating post-guffaw sighs that let everyone know your laugh has come to an end. Really, your quasi-epileptic seizure is over now? Good cuz without the sigh you would be perpetually laughing. No, go ahead, sigh it up you brazen laugh whore.

- Thinking about your doorbell. Don't do it. You just did it.

- When he finally gets in your face, breaking the tension by saying "I guess a 'Seven Nation Army' can't hold you back. Hyuk hyuk sigh."

- Calling him at 5:30 in the morning like a coked-up tranny talking about your favorite Family Guy episode.

- Telling him he's the cutest Stroke.

* Photo courtesy of Meneldur through CC license

Remembrance of Videos Past #46: Carly Simon, "Let The River Run"

Same thought I had then as now: less slutty Taylor Dane. This is easily the sexiest music video with Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey in it.