I don't know why I watch Rock of Love.Suzanne Somers Bret Michaels is not as charismatic as Flavor Flav. The girls are not as unruly as Charm School's.
And every other song sounds like "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Seriously. I think one of them is called "Every Row Has Its Corn."
Every Bro Has His Porn
You're in your goddamned 40s Bret. How do you explain to your kids that their potential stepmother's crowning achievement was saying "I want some rocker ass" during a 30-second promo? I know it's embarrassing to work as a temp. Fuck it dude, join the Army. Be a special breed of Motorcycle Soldier. Keep it smoothed out on the Captain America tip and shit.
Or better yet, be Bush's brain; take Karl Rove's job. Be a "poison"-ous turd blossom.
Start a Rudyard Kipling book club.
Enter the Chinese toothpaste market.
Fuck it dude, just take some UCB sketch classes. You would bump David Cross in a rock musical with Yo La Tengo.
Anything but bitch and moan on VH-1 about a starfucker.
Yes, that's what he means by "I will not be played." Some woman is not there for him, but because he is a star.
The rest of them are not star fuckers however. Seriously, they never heard of you.
Round one: Lost Round two (season finales): Oh my god Lost you killed 24. Keep it down? you sick fuck you want me to keep down that you shredded, incinerated and slapped Jack Bauer's flesh ashes? No I'm telling the cops. Wait, what do you mean you'll see me in January? Hello? Since when did you drive a van?
If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again. If you need help please dial the operator. TV networks must be insecure to think that less and less kids watch TV and more and more kids watch their cell phones. Maybe they are flocking to the World Wide Web, but not to their wireless provider. I ain't watching any supplemental episodes of "24" on my cell phone. Like that show needs supplements. Cuz we need to know what Jack Bauer does between 8:59 AM and 9:00 AM. Is that why they are always using cell phones in "24"? To catch up with the plot?
I can't hear myself talk in my own mobisode. DAMMIT!
Of course some people inisist comedy is perfect for mobile phones. It's quick and to the point. Point taken. But this idea will work when the iPhone comes out. And that's just because it will be like a mobile computer. Where I can download shows off iTunes or stream them from the network websites. But this idea of original cell phone content produced for cell phones? The only demographic you're gonna reach in this country is the obnoxious fucktard who wants to show off their cell phone demographic. Maybe there's a comedic genius out there who's a cross between Jacques Tati and Buster Keaton who's gonna make a brilliant cell phone comedy called "The Thimble vs. The Shaker of Salt," brilliantly utilizing the 1 inch cell phone screen for subtle sight gags and new ways of looking at comedy. But do you think for a second that Verizon or Cingular will bankroll this kind of comedy? Or will they only have room in the budget for "Valley Girl Meathead Poolside Awesomenity!"
Lastly, I think being a cell phone celebrity is the lowest form of celebrity imaginable. I write for The Apiary. I know enough people who don't understand the significance of this, even though it is easily one of the most important comedy websites - let alone blogs - on the Internet. Try telling people you have a hit cell phone show. Eventually your cell phone will say "Life failed" instead of "Call failed."
Honey I got my own mobile phone sitcom! Now I get free nights and weekends!
The reason Barack Obama is such a big deal is because he's black, like all those other black candidates that make the draft pick every year. Enough already!
I am North African-American myself and hopefully I will get picked for the Gutbucket (UCB Open Mike) lottery tonite. Then you can see that I'm funnier than all those guys. Not better looking, but funnier.
Well I'm the funniest Arab anyway. Maz Jobrani is funnier than me but he's Iranian.
"Dice: Undisputed" premiered last night. Like "Tourgasm," "D:U" is a reality miniseries about a meathead comic's life on the road bringing his brand of comic assault to the lad mag crowd. Never thought I'd say this, but this is worse than "Tourgasm." At least Dane Cook doesn't consistently pout for pity like Dice. VH-1 might as well try to make a docudrama about a likable child molesting clown trying to make his comeback at Knott's Berry Farm. I plan to make a fake docudrama ("Spinal Tap"-style) about a meathead comic touring on the road from the LES open mikes to the Midtown open mikes. It'll be called "Tails from the Road (If You Know What I'm Talkin' About...Aah, I'm Not Sure You Know What I'm Talkin About')"
Just consider for a moment why "Borat" is passe. We've already had our fun with him online. We've mashed him up, linked to him and blogged about the movie. The cultural "moment" has passed. What can we do with that DVD that we haven't already done? Since "Borat's" theatrical release, we've been entertained/ enraptured by "Saturday Night Live's" "Dick in a Box," the parody "My Box in a Box," Britney Spears shaving her hair off and the death of Anna Nicole Smith. We watched it online in our cubicles.
Though I agree with his comparison of the Web's "constant media" to Hollywood's "occasional media," I am surprised he neglected TV. TV is a happy medium (no pun intended). For most of the year you get constant media with new episodes of "The Office" every week. But in the summer, we take a break from Mike and Dwight until the fall when the whole web eagerly awaits another season. I think "The Office" brings more people together than "Dick in a Box" (itself a product of NBC).
Either way, Hollywood's comedic timing does seem off. Why wouldn't it be? Comedy is all about being in the moment. Even television allows for that (like Mike O'Connell on Jimmy Kimmel).
Hollywood is about taking the moment and hammering it into a standard theatrical narrative. Even Borat has a plot. Let's say there's a sketch about Cell Phone Girls. Here are the YouTube, TV and Hollywood versions:
YouTube
Teenage Girl 1: (ringtone goes off playing "Laffy Taffy") AAAAHHHH! I love my cell phone! I love D4L! Teenage Girl 2: AAAAAH! I know! Tee hee! Pick it up! T1: No, I want to let it ring a little longer! T2: I know! Mook B is soooo fine! T1: (picks up) Hi dad.
TV
Teenage Girl 1: (ringtone goes off playing "Laffy Taffy") AAAAHHHH! I love my cell phone! I love D4L! Teenage Girl 2: AAAAAH! I know! Tee hee! Pick it up! Normal Friend: Why do you girls get excited when people call you? Teenage girl 2: Because we love D4L you prude! You're just jealous cuz no one calls you. Teenage girl 1: (picks up) Hello? Normal friend: (blasts Black Sabbath's "War Pigs" into phone with Teenage Girl #1 on other line)
Hollywood
Teenage girl 2: No wonder Brad likes Teenage girl #1 better; she just won the dance-off against Valley Prep. (phone rings on vibrate) Hello? Brad? Look behind me? What are you doing here Brad? Oh my god, you remembered that I love pink jewel encrusted Razor phones that play "Laffy Taffy" by D4L? Lemme try out my new ringtone...AAA-(Brad swoops in for kiss)- AAAAH! I love you Mook B!
Cons: Laughs at his own jokes He was in Taxi, which might have set the worst date I've ever been on in motion
So I guess I reluctantly crown Jimmy Fallon the winner because he's funnier and supports the comedy scene. One thing's for sure: Jimmy Kimmel is going to destroy the late night competition.
"There are more workplace and family comedies this year," says Susan Levison, Fox senior vp comedy development.
That probably has a lot to do with the success of NBC's "The Office" and the lack of hit family comedies on the air with ABC's "According to Jim" and "George Lopez" nearing their end.
So what does ABC have prepared for series pick-up time in May?
American Family Prod. Co.: Sony Pictures Television Prod. Team: Jay Scherick (writer), David Ron (writer), John Fortenberry (director) Family attempts to maintain appearances for the neighbors despite the chaos and challenges of 21st century family life (single-camera)
Family of the Year Prod. Co.: 20th Century Fox Television Prod. Team: Erica Rivinoja (writer), Pam Brady (writer), Michael Lehmann (director) Revolves around 10-time family of the year winner the Holloways of Tatum, N.M. (single-camera)
The Middle Prod. Co.: Warner Bros. Television Prod. Team: Eileen Heisler (writer), DeAnn Heline (writer), Chris Koch (director) Middle-class Midwestern family show told through the eyes of the mother (single-camera)
Talk about scoffing at the face of trends. I can't help but imagine Samie Falvey, ABC senior vp of comedy development, as one of those matriarchs that wants to do everything as a family. "You get off that computer machine this instant! We are going to watch TV as a family!" She can't even fathom that single people watch TV. "Only ornery men in trenchcoats watch TV by themselves!"
Here are some pitches I have for ABC, the only network that still believes in happy family comedies.
The Bin Ladens Prod. Co.: Tim Warner Bros. Television Prod. Team: RG Daniels (writer), Mo Diggs (writer), Francis Ford Coppola (director) Bin Laden's been in hiding for over five years. You would too if you had a mother like his! (single-camera)
Dylan and Dylan Prod. Co.: Maddog TV Prod. Team: Lew Comacho(writer), Bethann Dwyrfwyr (writer), Sylvester Stallone (director) Bob Dylan and Jake Dylan are a crime fighting father and son duo. Bob has the astonishing power to go electric. Jake is invisible. This rollicking comedy will leave you laughing in the wind! (single-camera)
What Do You Mean I Can't Hold the Cue Cards?
The Smarmy Indie Rock Douchedrop Family Prod. Co.: Something Non-Corporate and Indie as Fuck Prod. Team: Some Alternative Comedian You've Never Heard Of (writer), Me (writer), Mom and Dad (Producers) A Park Slope family feeds healthy food to its kids, plays indie rock to its kids and borrows money from its kids. The kids rebel by playing Nickelback on their iPods and pitching their life story to ABC via their Mac Notebooks (single-camera)
Here's what you need to do to change Studio 60 before it gets confiscated by the cops cancelled by NBS:
Change the Title: I think "Matthew Perry: Speed Freak" would get more eyeballs, but "Studio 60 on the Cocaine Drip" would probably make a smoother transition.
Replace the Theme Song with a Bong Hit: Worked for Cypress Hill and Black Sabbath as an intro to their songs.
Have the Staff Talk About Writers, Artists, Philosphers Who Did Drugs:
Jittery Staff Member #1: Didn't Picasso smoke hasish? JSM#2: No, he did absinthe. JSM#1: So he couldn't have done both? JSM#2: Only Fatty Arbuckle and Captain Beefheart did both. Heartless Suit: He didn't make big bucks! JSM#1: Jesus sucks. You got a spoon I can borrow?
Next Week on "What Were They Smoking?"...
Write Wacky Sketch Titles About Drugs Without Showing Sketches: "Speed, Schmeed," "Crazy Crackheads," "Dopamine Girl;" the possibilities are endless (but supplies aren't).
Have Tokin' Black CharacterDL Hughley Talk About How Brothers Love Them Some Weed: Just play around with the intro to Friday. "It's Friday and you know I need to smoke. And you know this, maaan."
Give Viewers a Five Minute "Smoke Break" Intermission Before Musical Acts Come On: There's only one way to appreciate Eagle Eye Cherry and Sting.
Robert Lloyd of the LA Times compared comedy to pop music in his recent article on Adult Swim.
Of all the arts, comedy is the closest to pop music; perhaps because the new wave is always defined by the young, eager to separate itself from what came before and to own what comes next.
This means I have the formula for a hit comedy: a movie about a racist slacker dude who hooks up with a MILF on MySpace. He must save her from a talking falafel with superpowers. It's called May-December Romance on MySpace: P.S. Muslims Suck
Here's a sample of the script:
Racist dude: Dude, wanna shoot a goat? MILF: Uh, no thanks? Racist dude: Not even while a Muslim's fucking it? MILF: No thanks. RD: OK, well how about you come with me and while you check your MySpace on your Helio non-phone, I shoot a Muslim and the goat he's fucking? MILF: OK. (cut to couple outside of Muslim goat fucker's hotel room) RD: Dude, that's sick. Let me shoot the goat. (fires) Bullseye. MILF: Wait, let me shoot the Arab. (fires)Wow, that was awesome. Just like Camus's The Stranger. I feel so... RD: Alive? MILF: Yes (they kiss) SuperFalafel: (shoots Electric Hummus Bolts at them)
(Full disclosure: I am an Arab-American who was raised Muslim [though is now an atheist]) and despite the fact that I find the following treatment stupid, I fear it would actually be a hit blockbuster).
