Hey Studio 60...

I know I gave you the Jim Belushi Award for Least Funny Show of '06 but that was '06, before that unintentionally hilarious Matthew Perry-as-speed-freak subplot. You can't stop now; I'm starting to like S60. It's like every episode is an entry in Aaron Sorkin's rehab journal. Every other minute there's a drug reference. "Fridays" and "That '70s Show" had less drug references.

Here's what you need to do to change Studio 60 before it gets confiscated by the cops cancelled by NBS:

Change the Title: I think "Matthew Perry: Speed Freak" would get more eyeballs, but "Studio 60 on the Cocaine Drip" would probably make a smoother transition.

Replace the Theme Song with a Bong Hit: Worked for Cypress Hill and Black Sabbath as an intro to their songs.

Have the Staff Talk About Writers, Artists, Philosphers Who Did Drugs:

Jittery Staff Member #1: Didn't Picasso smoke hasish?
JSM#2: No, he did absinthe.
JSM#1: So he couldn't have done both?
JSM#2: Only Fatty Arbuckle and Captain Beefheart did both.
Heartless Suit: He didn't make big bucks!
JSM#1: Jesus sucks. You got a spoon I can borrow?

Next Week on "What Were They Smoking?"...


Write Wacky Sketch Titles About Drugs Without Showing Sketches: "Speed, Schmeed," "Crazy Crackheads," "Dopamine Girl;" the possibilities are endless (but supplies aren't).

Have Tokin' Black CharacterDL Hughley Talk About How Brothers Love Them Some Weed: Just play around with the intro to Friday. "It's Friday and you know I need to smoke. And you know this, maaan."

Give Viewers a Five Minute "Smoke Break" Intermission Before Musical Acts Come On: There's only one way to appreciate Eagle Eye Cherry and Sting.

Never Stop Focusing on Matthew Perry: Just give him a bottle of speed, a backwards baseball cap and a pogo stick. Then let 'er rip.