PISCES (FEB.19-MAR.20): A Pisces is a pretentious know-it-all (complete opposite of Cancer). "Pisces" is Latin for fishes? You don't say. Next thing you know, there will be a movie opening Friday called Zodiac with a sober Robert Downey Jr.
ARIES (MAR.21-APR.19): You're good at business, or something. Street business that is; by 32, you'll end up a small-time hoodrat selling bootleg DVDs at Kennedy Fried Chicken. In fairness, I've never seen Dunston Checks In...
TAURUS (APR.20-MAY20): First of all you're white so stop acting black. Second of all, it's just not cool for you to say the "n" word. Even if you put the word "sand" in front of it. This doesn't mean you can be a Japanese wannabe either. Wait, how long did it take you to draw that manga of me writing this?
GEMINI (MAY21-JUNE20): OK, you are many things: smart, attractive, affluent. But you are not funny. Neither are the film comedies that come out around your birthday. I'm telling you this so you relax. You don't have to tell that corny joke about how Gemini means "twins" and you're the evil one.
CANCER (JUNE21-JULY22): You're a dumb anti-Semite who has trouble following "The Office." Why does it have a single camera? Why do you have a single brain cell?
LEO (JULY23-AUG22): We get it: you know all the celebrities. The child actor who played the lead in Dunston Checks In, the Palestinian in Godard's Weekend, the buxom vixen who played Jabba the Slut in Star Whores. No I don't have a problem with you littering the Beverly Hills Spago with your screenplay about roller skating Chicano gang members who read Flaubert in summer school.
VIRGO (AUG23-SEPT22): I have bad news...well good news for us...you're infertile. Not even that blond bitch from "Lost" can save your sorry ass. Hey, bright side is you can have sex without weari- er...yeah, actually no one is surprised to know you're a virgin. I don't know what gives it away, but comparing lovemaking to making a meat lover's pizza doesn't help.
LIBRA (SEPT23-OCT22): Enough about Jesus already. That's all.
SCORPIO (OCT23-NOV21): You're nice to people, pleasant, warm, funny, and that infectious laugh-ooh, I could just eat you. Too bad those declassified documents came out and we know about your Special Ops scandal back in 1995. How could you set fire to that Bosnian deli? Monster!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV22-DEC21): Sags are not known for their artistic ability. So stop making that ASCII drawing of the number 1. Seriously, Sagittarians have no artistic ability. Not even an anti-art ability. You would even fuck up a found art project. That urinal you picked up last Saturday; it's been done before. And those soup cans, nevermind.
CAPRICORN (DEC22-JAN19): You're getting a Christmas gift and that's it. Fucking brat.
AQUARIUS (JAN.20-FEB.18): Aquarians are intelligent, beautiful, sexy, deep thinkers who are creative, funny, warm, compassionate leaders? Not convinced: get ready to bite the big one.
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