Happy Birthday Song vs. Superbug

Did you know that singing the “Happy Birthday” song to yourself while washing your hands can help you fight off the deadly staph infection that’s killing more Americans than AIDS every year?

If you just touched a toilet seat with fluorescent-colored ectoplasm, you might want to add the “How Old Are You Know” remix.

Now whenever I celebrate birthdays, I am reminded of the gruelling battle against MRSA, which makes the cake that much sweeter.

What's happening now is that every now and again, I sing "Happy Birthday" out loud while washing my hands, which draws many a puzzled look in my direction.

That said, fight staph today by wishing Giulia Rozzi a happy birthday!

Lyrics:

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Giulia Rozzi
Happy birthday to you

How old are you know
How old are you know
How old are you know
How old are you know

Happy birthday to you
You live in a zoo
You look like a gorilla
And yo mamma does too

Happy birthday to you
Staph might just kill you
Wash your hands every time
You go to the loo

Things You Can Do If Your Two-Year Old Pit Bull Is Violent

If I had my druthers, pit bulls would be tough but sweet, like sexy blaxploitation mothers. As it were, pit bulls can be unruly and mean. Either way, they don't have to be burnt to death to be punished. From what I understand, dogs aren't only susceptible to flames. Bullets and rotten chuck meat will suffice. Here are some pointers for punishing Pointer without a single drop of kerosene.

Burn yourself
Just think -- you can die violently, just like you lived.

Build A Bull Out Of Ice Cream And Have A Fake Pamplona Run That will confuse the pooch.

Play It Some Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam
OK I took it too far. Goodnight.

Sad

Because

Poo Tee Weet

Poo tee weet.

Rebuttal to Article Announcing My Death

Comedian Dead at Age 36
Why the generic word comedian? Can't you use my full name?

On March 31st, 2012, comedian and blogger Mo Diggs was gored by a rhinoceros's horn in the Congo.
I hope this guy spelled rhinoceros right. I don't get Merriam-Webster in...where am I anyway?

An enthusiast of jungle safari tours-
Whaa? I get dragged to those by my friends. I don't even like the web browser Safari.

Mo Diggs's death has had an incredible impact on the comedy community.
Wow that's nice I guess.

Andrew Dice Clay said he was one of the best comedians ever.
I've never even met Dice.

"I seen him at the Parkside open mike on Saturday. He was so good I wish I didn't take a shit behind the stage during his set."
So that's what smelled like leather and shit.

Diggs also had a lot of respect in the blogging community with his own blog and his column for The Apiary. Apiary Editor-in-Chief Nate Sloan says, “Get a breakout title like ‘Chappelle’s Show,’ and sell three million copies on DVD at $25 apiece, and you’ll find 75 million reasons for MTV to invest in comedy."
Wait that quote was from the Human Giant article. The NY Times really needs a better copy editor.

Most readers will remember him for his work in "Human Giant"-
That's Aziz Ansari!

as well as his minor role in 13 Going on 30-
That's Maz Jobrani

and his Oscar-winning breakout role in Dreamgirls-
I really need to edit my Wikipedia entry.

Even in death though Mo Diggs has made people laugh.
Oh?

Yeah, Ebaum's World has the video of the fateful rhino attack on its front page.
Was it not good enough for College Humor? That's the last time I smoke a cigarette with you, Streeter Seidell!

Comedian Award-winning comic and friend of Diggs, RG Daniels, remembers him fondly.
Wow that's cool. It's a quote so they can't mess this up.

"Mo died way too soon. He had so much potential. Just a few more years and he would have been funny."

RIP Larry "Bud" Melman

Whenever I think about Letterman's unique sense of humor, I remember Bud walking on and off the Late Show set for no apparent reason except to make people laugh. I'll always remember his laugh. "Late Night with David Letterman" made him famous; so famous that he gave celebrity endorsements for Honda Scooters and other products. At one point he hawks a T-shirt in this ad within an ad. He will be missed.

Bernie Mac Retires from Stand-Up

After doing stand-up for 30 years, Mr. 3000 is making a grand exit at age 49. He does have one last show in the works: a film called "The Whole Truth, Nothing but the Truth, So Help Me Mac." Here's hoping Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia steal this idea as well.

Zen Jokewriting Journal

In the spirit of alternative comedy rooms from the '90s, when authenticity was the craze, I'm writing a Zen jokewriting journal. Zen Buddhists advise against getting in your own way so here are my thoughts when I get out of my own way.

"North American Scum" is ringing in my head. Ringing in my head. Do songs actually ring? Besides Pink Floyd songs? Zen comedy. Some Christians are moderate and only go to church every month. I wish moderate Islamic jihadists would only blow up certain parts of their clothing like their hats. That would look more festive. Comedy consists of talking 'bout your worst fears. Mine is being thrown in a dumpster full of mayonnaise-covered rats and realizing I'm gay.

Series Finale of Ze Frank's "The Show"

Might be the first big series finale for an original Internet show.

What the MySpace Porno Spam Ladies Play When I Don't Add Them

You'll Land on Your Feet, Pussycat

On a Personal Note: My Creepiest Karaoke Performance Ever

In this segment I tell humorous personal anecdotes not related to alternative comedy celebrities. If you hate personal blog posts, skip this; there's plenty of non-personal stuff on this blog as well.

I'm an atheist but after doing karaoke Saturday night at the Village Ma I learned to always heed that timeless maxim from the Bible:

Judge not lest ye be judged.

This tall blond guy in a black Oxford shirt named Eddie got on the karaoke stage and sang "You Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" to a random girl, Top Gun-style. All I could think was "What a creep."



It was my turn to get up. After drinking seven Stellas, I was ready to save karaoke night with a blistering rendition of "Born to be Wild." Only thing was, the place was dimly lit so I read 67-03 as 87-03 and put the latter on my karaoke ticket. So my "choice" when I got onstage was "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." At first I started singing it. After an understandably lackluster response, I explained to the audience that I accidentally picked the song. They started laughing, so I tried to toss out some funny ad libs during the song. One of them was a "clever" pun:

Santa Claus is coming to town. You know what I'm talking about right guys?

I proceeded to sit on the stool and pretend do finger my fictional vagina. Most people do air guitar at karaoke; I was doing air beaver baiting. I thought I did a great job but my girlfriend told me I was cut off from alcohol because I was acting weird. Instead of acknowledging her sagely counsel, I yelled at her for calling me a creep. I mean what's so creepy about an overweight Egyptian man from Long Island pretending to be Santa Claus in February while simulating female masturbation?

And here I was calling Top Gun Eddie a creep. He was coming on to a girl; I was pretending to come like a girl. So it bears repeating: judge not lest ye be judged. Oh and if your lover says you should stop drinking because you're acting weird, shut up and listen.

We Rip Off, You Decide

A taste of that Fox News version of The Daily Show, The Half Hour News Hour (via AST)

Depression: A Disease to be Eliminated or a Better Way to Get Attention Than Being Funny?

Why do we love that Cymbalta song so much?



Simply put, we do not want to get rid of depression. According to an article in the LA Times, depression is an evolutionary trait, not something to get rid of. (via Digg)

Thomson based his approach on the idea that depression is not simply a disease to be eliminated, but a way of eliciting support from family and friends.

So sleeping a lot and acting despondent seems to be an easier method for getting attention than telling jokes. Jokes require a set-up and a punchline. A suicide note or a sad poem doesn't. Indeed, your efforts would be futile and creepy if you took the time to use a set-up/punchline structure.

More women threaten suicide but more men actually do it. I commit suicide like a girl.

Here's my impression of William Howard Taft (lay dead).

(on top of the Golden Gate bridge) Wanna see my new dance for that Kriss Kross song "Jump, Jump?"

Could the Cymbalta Commercial Be Better Than the Drug?

Whenever I feel sad, I think of the word "depression." When I think "depression," I think of this Cymbalta ad.



The music is more soothing than a cup of chamomile tea in an opium den. That plaintive piano, that elegant violin. This is what gets left out of the TiVo sieve, kiddies. Whenever I'm sad, this music acts as a blanket of self-pity.

But the secret weapon is the narration. Most of it is blah blah jibber jabber, but that fundamental metaphysical question: Where does depression hurt? About time someone asked. Philosophers have asked what makes us happy. Idiots!

Maybe if those people who were about to become suicide bombers saw this video they would change their minds. "I didn't know I can feel depression physically. No wonder my bum knee's been acting up again. Maybe their pain is my pain."


Even this dog gets it.



Whoever played this song needs to go on tour. A cursory glance at the YouTube comments will reveal that this track has a cult following. All he has to do is play this song and pass the opium Cymbalta around the room.

Side effects of liking the Cymbalta song include: compulsive Google searching for the artist who wrote this song, immediate loss of indie and/or street cred, temporary joke writer's block, pointless blog posts, dry mouth.

I'm a Guest on The Meathead Diaries

NSFW NOT SAFE FOR WORK