Found Humor: Freeze Lame

Found Humor is a new column in which I post things that I find that are funny. These things are either unintentionally funny or slightly funny (ie, a droll Wikipedia entry).

My coworker Cathy found this video on YouTube.

Reimagining Weird Al Yankovich as a Racially Conscious, Self-Loathing Middle Eastern Satirist

Source material:


Parody:

They tried to make me be an A-rab
I said no no no
Yes I've been black
They took my doo rag
I said no no no
Maybe if I had some time
I would change my mind
They tried to make me be an A-rab
I said no no no

I'd rather be white or gay
Than pray to Allah five times a day
I hate my race; I'm so whitebread
If I were a rab, I'd turn myself in to the Feds

If I were black I'd get more cooze
Being an Arab only gets you more babbaghanouge

Pharoahe Monch Remix:

They tried to make me be an A-rab
I said no no no
UUUH!!! PHAROAHE MONCH!!! THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME AN A-RAB! TRIED TO BUY ME SCA-RABS! GOT SO ADDICTED THEY TOOK ME TO REHAB! I TOLD THEM PUNKS TO THROW IT ON MY BAR TAB! PHAROAHE MONCH WITH A BRAND NEW SLAB OF BEEF! THAT MOROCCAN KEEF! THAT IS ARAB; WHY NOT MY TEETH! WHY NOT MY SCUBA DIVE AT THE CORAL REEF! WHY NOT MY INDIAN FRIEND RAJIV!

Strangest Comedy Friendship I've Heard of yet

Here's what Larry the Cable Guy said in a recent interview with Punchline Magazine:

Bill Hicks and I were friends, too. Bill Hicks thought I was hilarious. And if there was anybody that were polar opposites, it was me and him. But Bill Hicks was friends with all us Blue Collar guys. I know him and Jeff Foxworthy, as a matter of fact, were really good friends and he was a huge fan of Jeff’s. And so there are different styles of stand-up. And some comedians can be friends and disagree and some comedians can’t. I’m one of the ones that can disagree and be friends with people.

Wow. Goes to show that the world of comedy is small and, unlike in music, where Conor Oberst probably avoids hanging out with Chris Daughtry, comedians almost intentionally relish the idea of being strange bedfellows.

Like Larry the Cable Guy and Louis CK.(!)

When I was working in New York at Radio City Music Hall, Louis CK, who is a genius – I love Louis CK, I love his comedy. Louis CK came out to my show and we talked about that a little bit. You just write it off and move on. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Before you know it, LTCG and David Cross will squash their beef.

I never blasted David. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. If I met him I’d probably get along with him and have a beer with him. I never once hammered him at all. I ribbed him a little bit for getting on my fans. But I wished him the best of luck. He’s got a good career. He’s doing what he does and I do what I do, bless his heart

Different Musical Genres of Comedy

Seems like different genres of music have their own comedians. Pitchfork recently interviewed Human Giant, confirming their indie rock cred. Metalheads love Brian Posehn. Country fans love Larry the Cably Guy. Rap heads love Def Comedy Jam.

But what about pop punk? No comedian represents the mall punks. There are none so I propose Extreme Skate Skitch Cooper. XSSC skates onstage and whines about how annoying his mom is.

"Dude my mom is so fucking stupid. Like when she tells me to take a shower. What is she a fucking perv? And man how stupid is she? I keep asking for a Fall Out Boy shirt from Hot Topic and I keep getting a new Family Guy shirt. Doesn't she know I'm a teenybopper? Nanny nanny boo boo!!"

Modest Mouse at #1; Daughtry at #4

On Billboard Modest Mouse is #1. The last time an indie pop act topped the 200 was in 300 AD, when Barney Rubble released his atmospheric solo album My Name is Barney Rubble and I'm Here to Say....

Daughtry got mud kicked in his face by former American Idol man Elliot Yamin, who made number 3. Sounds like a new form of excrement, number 3. No wonder no one is happy with third place. I gotta go make #3.

Mundane Dream Journal: Ray Stevens is Not an Oracle

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I just had a dream that my coworker said that the Ray Stevens song "Ahab the Arab" predicted 9/11. I tried to prove her wrong, but I woke up. The latent meaning of this dream is that I want to kill my father.

Arcade Fire Almost Tops Billboard Charts

At #1 is Biggie. Considering that ten years ago he topped the charts, it couldn't happen to a better man. The beauty of all this of course is Win Butler and Biggie Smalls teamed up to beat up Daughtry (a win [no pun intended] as monumental as Nirvana blowing past Michael Jackson), still holding up at number 3.

Now I know the premise of this blog - besides covering comedy news - is to present original humor that mocks culture. But Chris Daughtry's a walking parody of neo-grunge. Hell, if I didn't know any better I might say he's a comedic performance artist. Watch your back Charlene Yi. I'm in a rush to go back to work so get ready for some intense ironic appreciation.

The real reason Viacom is suing YouTube is because bloggers like me can embed this bullshit on their blogs and spread the gospel of crap.
It is so over.

Remembrance of Videos Past #39: Menudo, "You Got Potential"

Sure this video might seem like a gay pedophile's wet dream but this might be the most honest love song in recorded history. Most songs go for the standard love at first sight trope; "You Got Potential" has a more sober, rational approach.

Girl, you got potential
To be in my heart, this could be a start
Girl, you got potential
That's waiting to be uncovered by me

Very cautious. He's not sure if he loves her but he might. Potentially. Maybe up close she has mouth herpes or a thin moustache.

Whenever I see this video, I remember Nintendo Power and Steampipe Alley. The vocalist here - Angelo - must've been about 12. I was also 12 when this song came out in the US (1988). Though back then I envied his mackitude, he's the one who has to look back at that spullet and cringe.

Things to watch/listen for in the video:

A Nordictrac dance move at 1:21
A high five dance that would make Jesse Thorn cry with joy at 1:44
Twin guitar leads at 3:29

Enough lollygagging: let's get this 8th grade Pizza Party Dance started!

Tim and Eric Interview in the Gothamist

So under what conditions would you love then? Tim: If it grants us success, or money.

Eric: Or web hits.

Tim: Well, that’s just another way of saying current of money. I should just say currency. We define currency in terms of web hits, mostly, but also in credits. Like online credits.

Eric: For an example, my biggest Valentine’s would be a call from our Webmaster saying, “You got around 600 unique visits to your site today.” That’s huge.

See why I keep asking you if you've read my blog, honey (I'm addressing my girlfriend, although truthfully I am in love with all of you who read my blog. This one's for you)

What the MySpace Porno Spam Ladies Play When I Don't Add Them

You'll Land on Your Feet, Pussycat

Rembrance of Videos Past #38: L7, "Pretend That We're Dead"

Don't ask me why, but all I imagine when I see this video is Janeane Garofalo nodding in sympathy.

Too feminine for Middle American grunge fans, too heavy for the college crowd, L7 had a very small following. Most people probably remember Beavis and Butthead making fun of them.

But they also mocked Flaming Lips and Ween. Their whole schtick was making fart jokes and ripping (get it?) on good bands.

The only thing better than the monster riff is the fashion. In the early '90s, every girl wore a stocking cap. When my girlfriend wore one on Saturday, it took me back to the halcyon days of grunge. Of course there's plenty of flannel in this video as well.

But even a deaf crack baby can tell you that music videos are nothing without great music. Despite the fact that all these postgrunge jackholes like Nickelback are ripping off Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam, the female grunge canon is left unscathed. Never thought I would see the day when I say that L7 has aged better than Pearl Jam. What a funny, unpretentious chorus ("When we pretend that we're dead/They can't hear a word we've said").

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like the '90s was full of hard rockin' women. Nowadays we live in the age of the hipster chanteuse (Regina Spektor, Joanna Newsom). Nico is patting her own back in the grave while Janeane Garofalo is watching the blurry black and white footage in this video and tapping her Chuck Taylors.




BONUS: Easily the best song off of "Nevermind." Happy birthday, Kurt.

Depression: A Disease to be Eliminated or a Better Way to Get Attention Than Being Funny?

Why do we love that Cymbalta song so much?



Simply put, we do not want to get rid of depression. According to an article in the LA Times, depression is an evolutionary trait, not something to get rid of. (via Digg)

Thomson based his approach on the idea that depression is not simply a disease to be eliminated, but a way of eliciting support from family and friends.

So sleeping a lot and acting despondent seems to be an easier method for getting attention than telling jokes. Jokes require a set-up and a punchline. A suicide note or a sad poem doesn't. Indeed, your efforts would be futile and creepy if you took the time to use a set-up/punchline structure.

More women threaten suicide but more men actually do it. I commit suicide like a girl.

Here's my impression of William Howard Taft (lay dead).

(on top of the Golden Gate bridge) Wanna see my new dance for that Kriss Kross song "Jump, Jump?"

What Song is Ringing in the Mind of Mencia?

Carlos Mencia, for those of you who don't know, is a mean-spirited, soulless joke-stealing hack that brings a bad name to club comedy. Here's a taste.



So what does this screamer listen to? According to his MySpace blog, he's a Shins fan. I didn't know that. Huh. What a clash of sensibilities: hateful, bilious ranting and pretty, jangly pop songs. Perhaps he'll steal their material too (Martin Crandall is pretty funny).

Could the Cymbalta Commercial Be Better Than the Drug?

Whenever I feel sad, I think of the word "depression." When I think "depression," I think of this Cymbalta ad.



The music is more soothing than a cup of chamomile tea in an opium den. That plaintive piano, that elegant violin. This is what gets left out of the TiVo sieve, kiddies. Whenever I'm sad, this music acts as a blanket of self-pity.

But the secret weapon is the narration. Most of it is blah blah jibber jabber, but that fundamental metaphysical question: Where does depression hurt? About time someone asked. Philosophers have asked what makes us happy. Idiots!

Maybe if those people who were about to become suicide bombers saw this video they would change their minds. "I didn't know I can feel depression physically. No wonder my bum knee's been acting up again. Maybe their pain is my pain."


Even this dog gets it.



Whoever played this song needs to go on tour. A cursory glance at the YouTube comments will reveal that this track has a cult following. All he has to do is play this song and pass the opium Cymbalta around the room.

Side effects of liking the Cymbalta song include: compulsive Google searching for the artist who wrote this song, immediate loss of indie and/or street cred, temporary joke writer's block, pointless blog posts, dry mouth.

MySpace: The Parallel Universe of the Entertainment Blogosphere

MySpace art and entertainment blogs amuse me. First of all, MySpace calls a blog post a "blog." Riiiight. Secondly, the design is the diametrical opposite of TypePad. TypePad is for those who know Perl, CSS and all that. MySpace has bimbo and jock blogs. I will demonstrate the difference between how other blogs tackle culture and how MySpace blogs do it.


MUSIC

Usually a widely-read music blog is written by some smarmy hipster vagina quilt (I have the exceptions in my link list) who drones on about the latest buzz band, mocks said band in the following post and uploads a free mp3 from that band only to take it down a week later.

To get ahead in the MySpace music blog biz you need to give readers a CHANCE TO WIN A NEW ALBUM FROM SOUTHERN METAL BAND SALIVA!!!!!

ART AND PHOTOGRAPHY

Most art and photography blogs have these long-winded essays about networked performance, biotech and the "gamespace."

As of this writing the top art and photography blog on MySpace has photos of a Tennessee metal band's road equipment.


It ain't art until it's cranked up to 11!


CELEBRITIES

Your average celebrity blog has a snarky tone and breaking gossip about where Britney Spears shops and drops.

A MySpace celebrity blog has a white guy dressed as a "terrorist" (with a "chick" who has the "detonator"[smart move by the way]) asking who your favorite cartoon character is. Now that's a question the entertainment reporters are too squeamish to ask.


Are you accusing me of being a terrorist, a racist, or an asshole?



Oh and for that anonymous troll who's gonna write "this blog is not funny; MySpace blogs are funny," keep telling yourself that. No really, Erika wants you to check out her website because she thinks you're cute.

Acoustic and Electric: Awkward

Hilarious College Humor article about a conversation between an acoustic and electric guitar.

Generic Hollywood Blockbuster Comedy iPod Shuffle Meme

(from my post on A Special Thing)

I love iPod Shuffle memes. I made this one for the soundtrack to a Generic Hollywood Blockbuster Comedy.

Rules:

1)Match the shuffled songs in sequence to the category.
2)Do not skip tracks. Include all songs (podcasts and comedy shows are understandable exceptions.)


Categories:

1)Opening credits
2)Obligatory xbox 360 male bonding scene
3)Love of your life walks in
4)Friend says "dude you love her/him;" you pointlessly deny it
5)Obligatory pothead friend scene
6)You see your love with asshole boyfriend/girlfriend
7)Meet girl's/guy's rich parents
8)Girl/Guy inexplicably thinks you are an asshole for some lame reason
9)Obligatory animal pot smoking scene
10)Catch Asshole cheating on girlfriend/boyfriend
11)Fight asshole
12)Kiss girl/guy
13)Stoner kisses dog
14)End credits


My Generic Blockbuster Soundtrack

1)Opening credits ("Hey Mama," Kanye West) full of Super 8s, I'm sure
2) Obligatory Xbox 360 male bonding scene ("Deh Pon Dem," Soulletes) Reggae=reefer
3) Love of your life walks in ("The Man Comes Around," Johnny Cash) Haha
4) Friend says "dude you love her;" you pointlessly deny it ("Different Names for the Same Thing," Death Cab for Cutie)
5) Obligatory pothead friend scene ("Slippi," Animal Collective) Very appropriate
6) You see your love with asshole boyfriend ("L'Arena," Ennio Morricone [Kill Bill Soundtrack]) Showdown scene
7) Meet girl's rich parents ("Oh Valencia,"Decemberists )
8) Girl inexplicably thinks you are an asshole for some lame reason ("The Guy on the 14th floor," The Manhattan Love Suicides)
9) Obligatory Animal Pot Smoking Scene ("Love and Happiness," Al Green)
10) Catch Asshole cheating on girlfriend ("Such Great Heights," Postal Service)
11) Fight asshole ("Ones," Islands) "My mouth, my eyes, my ears, my nose, oh oh"
12) Kiss girl ("The Hand That Feeds, " Nine Inch Nails [DFA Remix]) Hate kiss as prelude to hate fuck?
13) Stoner kisses dog ("Feng Shui," Gnarles Barkley)
14) End credits ("Sofa No. 2," Frank Zappa)