Zen Jokewriting Journal #5

I was inspired by Matt Ruby's post to "keep speaking no matter what." In this case, writing.

My muscles are tense and my belly feels like it is full of honey and heartache. Death seems like sleep to me: I need it. I feel like I'm death deprived. I really need to die-been awake too long. Led Zeppelin and birds. Mandolins. Mandolins have a nice trilling sound. For a metal band Zep used a lot of mandolins. They used a pan flute too right? I wanna do that. Do excessive cock comedy and piss off the hipsters. Blech my ear is itchy.

My mom made me shave my beard. I wanted to keep it but she wouldn't stop her Rosie Perez yelp. This piercing shriek. The shriek gives you power but people don't like you. It's kind of like having nukes-everyone fears you no one likes you.

Outer bor-

You know what? Even food is being hit by the recession. Food. Even McDonald's-the service economy-is being hit. You may have trouble getting a job at McDonald's. Ear hair.

At least I can catch up on my death when I'm unemployed.

Ahh, that's bleak.

I'm just sayin, death like sleep

Coma

that sounds good

So does Sizzlers

Sizzlers would put me in a coma.

Itchiness

Death has to get rid of itchiness right

Coffee makes me feel guilty'

I wonder how much coffee Hitler drank

Did he play Mandolins
and piss off hippies

He was a vegetarian

Nyah nyah

My wrists

My wrists need rest
Eternal rest

Zen Jokewriting Journal #4

The secret to comedy: write a whole bunch of unfunny things and say the funny things onstage.

I am itchy. Life is itchy. Life is uncomfortable. We try to scratch the itch but no matter how hard we scratch it the itch comes back stronger. As Daniel Kitson would say, “metaphor for life.” I would love to burn stuff onstage (cotton candy, hair pomade) but I wonder about smoke inhalation. Maybe if I get a gig at Central Park. Yeah. Itchy situation. Dave Matthews band I hate. But they get so much hate I feel bad for them. Sure they have frat boy fans but they want hip fans. Kinda like when u want to ask the head cheerleader to the dance but instead your pimply lab partner constantly talks about getting a hand job limo driven to your house with her likeness on the hood so you constantly know what’s in store. So frat boys are like ugly lab partners. Where else do they get the GHB?

Has a famous comedian ever had ear hair? Celebrity? Puppy?

Like ear canal hair?

But I wanna be Henrix's lab partner!

Is Hendrix hip? Cuz if he isn’t I will dress like Hendrix and stalk the streets of Park Slope and Williamsburg

And the wind cries Mo.

Mo cries about his wig being itchy.

Zen Jokewriting Journal

Okay here comes some funny shit. My car is starting to smell like feet. Sweaty, athletic feet. Love the mixture of disgust and admiration in that. I am typing on my laptop while laying down. I never mind. My arm is tired and baseball season has nothing to do with it. I wonder if instead of a tooth fairy there's a fairy who pours maple syrup on your neck. Grime rapper Dizzee Rascal belongs to the future. He's like a villain in a Frank Miller graphic novel. Mo money mo problems. Every time I tell myself to breathe deep I hear that shitty Anna Nalick song. Subsequently I hold my breath and try to think of something else. Does a vampire ice cream shop serve blood syrup. Nevermind; fairy department.

Zen Jokewriting Journal #2

Zen Buddhists advise against getting in your own way so here are my thoughts when I get out of my own way.
The morning is the most annoying time of the day. All the rituals are like a sound check for the concert that is the rest of the day. One thing goes wrong and the show sucks. Not taking a shower is like Art Garfunkel smoking cigarettes and gargling cream before he gets onstage. I am turning into an older Italian lady at work. Try not fitting in with people who are nice to you. It's ok though. I am still myself. I am like the straight man at the office. The girls tell raunchy jokes and I act shocked. I'm not really shocked that they would tell pussy jokes at an ob/gyn office, but my mom works there so I have to act shocked. If I don't leave right now I might get off of the "I'm Shocked I'm Listening to Pussy Jokes" show. Namaste. That was one of the word's Patton Oswalt used to end his essay. They also use it on "Lost." Namaste is the coolest word ever. I gotta take a shit. Bye.

Zen Jokewriting Journal

In the spirit of alternative comedy rooms from the '90s, when authenticity was the craze, I'm writing a Zen jokewriting journal. Zen Buddhists advise against getting in your own way so here are my thoughts when I get out of my own way.

"North American Scum" is ringing in my head. Ringing in my head. Do songs actually ring? Besides Pink Floyd songs? Zen comedy. Some Christians are moderate and only go to church every month. I wish moderate Islamic jihadists would only blow up certain parts of their clothing like their hats. That would look more festive. Comedy consists of talking 'bout your worst fears. Mine is being thrown in a dumpster full of mayonnaise-covered rats and realizing I'm gay.