Tuesday, April 03, 2007

New Abstract Beings Reinforce Positive Behaviors

In trying to find my own unique comic voice I stumbled upon a book called I am a Strange Loop by Douglas Hofstadter. It's a book that comes closer than any other to coming up with a science of self and consciousness. In one of the chapters Hofstadter elucidates the connection between other people and the self.

It is through language most of all that our brains can exert a fair measure of indirect control over other humans' bodies...in that sense, then, my brain is attached to your body in somewhat the same way as it is to my body.

If God is not real, then He is the greatest example of language exerting influence in history. Santa Clause is a close second. Both of these archetypal figures reinforce our best (or arguably our worst behaviors in God's case) behaviors by conditioning us. God promises heaven to the righteous, Santa promises cashmere sweaters to the obedient. But the indirect influence of God and Santa Clause is lost on adult atheists. Thus I'd like to introduce you, the jaded, sophisticated reader, to new, phenomenal beings that exert mind control a positive influence.

Vern the Voyeur
Whenever you masturbate, a spirit in the room named Vern the Voyeur watches. He comes on to you (no pun intended) like a creep. "Yeah that's it, keep rubbing that motion lotion till I see that peter colada shoot out your diddleduster!" This legendary apparition cures people of excessive masturbation and pina colada addiction.

Harriet the Hype Hag
Whenever you find a joke unfunny there's Harriet the Hype Hag intimidating you to laugh in social situations by insinuating that your brain is not sophisticated enough to get the joke. "C'mon! Do you really have trouble getting 'Rover gave her a bone of her own?'" This "voice" is actually an evolutionary mechanism in case you get dragged to a Carlos Mencia show so you laugh before he calls you dee-dee-dee for not getting his joke. Indeed, he stole Harriet's whole act.

"Never Fuck a Cat" Ned
If you don't have this voice in your head you've got major issues.

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