Comedian/friend Abbi Crutchfield (who did my show [Comedy Ain't Noise Pollution] on April 12) asked me to discuss 3 things I learned the hard way. Here goes:
1) Crack is Wack
One time I was dating this white trash belle. I walked in on her neighbor's garage. They were huddled around a blunt. I smoked some with them and stared out into the swampland. I turned around and they were rolling another blunt with crack rocks in it. They offered it to me and I said "No thanks, I don't smoke crack." D Rock said "It's not crack, it's coke. Plus you just smoked it." TA-DA!!!! So I realized I didn't like crack...$180 later that night.
2)Never Go To A Chain Restaurant By Yourself
You look like a creep. The hostess says "Party of ONE?!" The waitress says "Hey guys" to you and feels embarrassed. The other tables think you are a creep. You have to spend a LONG time avoiding eye contact with the other patrons. Don't get me started on DRINKING alone at Chili's with Bread playing on the PA.
3) Never Tell A Girl You Have A Crush On That You're Suicidal
In high school I had a crush on this girl named Gina. Her friend told me she was suicidal but told me not to tell her he told me so. Can you say COMMON INTERESTS?
I would call her and say "I'm suicidal. Sometimes I don't know why I go on." She said "Um...that's nice." I called her the next day and said "You don't get it. I'm really suicidal. Here's a poem I wrote." A few months later of this, I was called into the principal's office and had to see a psychiatrist. MORAL OF THE STORY: Never tell a girl you'll die for her more than once.