Activity Of The Day: Do Bike Jump Over Evel Knievel’s Tombstone

I know what you’re thinking: cheap, tasteless irony. But do you honestly think Knievel would have it any other way? Here’s what I envision: one kid doing a simple bike jump over the headstone. Then another runt tries to top him and jump two stones. Before New Year’s, the whole graveyard will be jumping and shaking with energy and gaiety.

Two hundred years from today, passersby will walk past a cemetery with flaming hoops and motorcycles and ask for an explanation. The Cohen Brothers Narrator will tell the Evel Knievel story on cue and it will be the hottest graveyard ever.

At my funeral, I want drink specials and burlesque dancers.

Activity Of The Day: Ask A Hooker For Gum

(NOTE: This is recommended only for those who carry video phones or video equipment) After you check out the Creek and Cave’s wonderful comedy shows in Long Island City, cruise around the Astoria projects and ask hookers for gum. Make sure your camera phone is on so when the coppers pull you over and accuse you of soliciting prostitution, you can prove that you were innocently asking for a stick of gum. Don’t forget; before you drive off without an appearance ticket, ask the cop for gum.



Then return the next day and give every hooker and cop a stick of gum. Garlic knots will also suffice.

Do This On Thanksgiving And I Will Pay You One Massachusetts

Buy everyone in the family presents. When you get no presents in return, let out an exasperated sigh and say, "Figures."

I will pay you
one Alaska as well if you produce a live turkey to your girlfriend's (or someone else's girlfriend's) father and ask for her hand in marriage.


See you (not pay you, see you) Monday.

Activity Of The Day: Put Rubbing Alcohol On Your Rubbing Lunch Meat

Remember when a man could commit adultery without no childish biznazz? It’s called adultery, not third-gradery. Now there is this method that more and more partners are using to detect infidelity on their man: smelling the salami to see if it’s been in another sandwich.

So rub alcohol all over your dingelberry and your queen will think you just came back from, like, the hospital or something. For those who may be sensitive to alcohol, try chicken noodle soup so you counter one cheesy rap reference with another one. Plus, it will smell like you just went to the hospital or whatever.