My Blog

FOLDING LAUNDRY

I helped my girlfriend fold my laundry. I don't believe it's the woman's duty to do domestic chores, I subconsciously assume they are supposed to. My unconscious tells me things and I can't answer back because I am unconscious of it. An unconscious message is like a fart: you don't know where it came from, so after a while you assume it's you.

MCDONALD'S CHEESEBURGERS

McDonald's has the bacon and cheese angus. Great stuff but today I settled for dollar value cheeseburgers. Nothing says "recession" like diced onions.

I DID, DIDN'T I
I dropped my pants during my set last night. Everyone laughed. But me.

Lose '08

Here's a clip of me on MTV's Choose or Lose talking about our new legally blunt governor. When my pal Sara Benincasa interviewed me, I was armed with a quip:

"I think Paterson should do OK because he doesn't have a Muslim-sounding name. If his middle name is 'Death to America' or 'Jihadigan' he's on his own."

Here's what made the cut:



"I sincerely hope he does well and I hope he restores faith in the office of governor." That was in reponse to the question "Do you think Paterson will restore faith in the office of governor." This was also before he admitted to snorting yayo and cheating on his wife. Just when you think things couldn't get more Orwellian, here I am sounding like a hapless fucktard cheerleader for New York State.

One time I was riding with my friend and he told me to stop because he saw a celebrity midget whose name he didn't know. I don't know what's worse: that he told me to stop to look at a celebrity midget or that he did not know said celebrity midget's name.

I fear one day there will be a Mo Diggs sighting and someone will say "Hey isn't that the fat North African American mouthpiece for the police state?"

I do comedy in the village for bohemians and skinny indie rock fans. Do you know how much this skews my demographic? I only have one potential fan now: David Paterson. And he can't legally see my act.

- This blog post was paid for by friends of David Paterson.

Iraq War Like Dane Cook Joke

Five years after the war started, I have reached the conclusion that the Iraq War is like a Dane Cook joke: the set-up, built on a false premise, led to countless hours of flailing limbs and screaming with no discernible conclusion or point. I am Barack Obama to Dane Cook's Bush: I'm dark skinned and I don't stand a chance.

Script For Lazy Gay Phone Sex Operator

(breathy voice) Just like that

best song in digital recorded history

PITCH: Alt-Comedy Poser RPG

Alt-rock tastemakers Pitchfork get into the videogaming world by picking tracks for a baseball video game. So let's take it one step further and imagine an RPG for alt-comedy posers:

You are at an open mic and you fail miserably. You:

a) graciously accept your demise and realize that you need to grow
b) storm off the stage hanging your head in shame
c) throw in an ironic cheesy lounge singer save ("Am I right," "tip your waitstaff")

You picked (c). Am I right?

The mic is over and the comics split into different cliques, all of them engrossed in shop talk. You gravitate towards:

a) the comics that are popular
b) the quiet kid in the corner
c) your mama's house for beer money

You picked (c). Three bucks huh? Couldn't get that from a friend?

While you were at momma's house she bestowed upon you a camcorder. You:

a) tape your sets and develop your craft
b) make a short comedic film in the spirit of Keaton and Brooks
c) do an ironic, knowing '80s parody with mustaches and chest hair

You picked (c). "Magnum PR" gets a thousand views for one day but drops off the radar the next.

No worries, you now got a gig at the Slipper Room. This can be your big shot. You:

a) tell ten minutes of tight, strong material
b) engage the audience as a provocateur on the level of Andy Kaufman
c) take five minutes wasting everyone's time setting up your laptop as a film projector

You picked (c). No one laughed at the film, but now people know you want to make films so a bevy of indie cuties work their way to your table.

You are like Albert Brooks or Steve Martin now. You must choose between screen or stage. Do you want to:

a) make viral YouTube clips that will be remembered a maximum of two years down the line
b) keep doing stand-up until you realize that no one wants to pay for your material
c) shoot yourself while listening to Elliot Smith

You picked (c). In case you didn't notice, I make the decisions here.