Monday, November 05, 2007

Hey John Cusack…

Did you blow your coolness wad on High Fidelity? Of course I don’t expect you to do something as resplendent again, but you’ve let yourself go more than Mo’Nique at a BBW party held at a Chinese buffet in Paramus.

Let’s look at your recent works:

America’s Sweethearts (2001): Wow, this was a Category-5 hurricane of a disaster. Julia Roberts barely recovered from this with Ocean’s Eleven. Billy Crystal hid his face in shame and did voiceover work for Monster’s Inc. Whatever, one flop is forgivable.

Serendipity (2001): IMDB synopsis—“A couple reunite years after the night they first met, fell in love, and separated, convinced that one day they'd end up together.” A movie about a Craig’s List Missed Connection coming to fruition. Ouch.

Max (2002): OK, not a rom-com. So far, so good. Synopsis? “A film studying the depiction of a friendship between an art dealer named Rothman and his student, Adolf Hitler.” You played Hitler's art dealer. You’re not getting this: you played the most incompetent art dealer in recorded history. Let me put this in High Fidelity terms: it’s as if you played the guy who signed The Eagles to Epic Records.

Johnny Suck Lately

Must Love Dogs (2005): Original title: Must Hate Good Scripts

The Ice Harvest (2005): A movie about Christmas crooks? What’s the sequel? The Ramadan Robber?

Martian Child (2007): It’s not about a kid from Mars. It’s about a kid who thinks he’s from Mars.

So let’s look back at the past five years: you’ve played a romantic cornball; an art dealer for a fascist dictator; an attorney for Christmas criminals; the adopted father of a would-be Martian son.

All this from the man who was in Say Anything, Being John Malkovich and Grosse Point Blank. Your film career is “better off dead.”


Abbi said...

You're forgetting 1408. Or maybe you're saving that for Sam "Is Snake In the Title? Okay I'm in" Jackson.

Mo Diggs said...

No the list of Cu-suck is too long to write about. But yeah, scary Cusack. Cuspook.

lloydy said...

Please don't say anything nasty about John Cusack. Fine most of his recent films have been absolutely terrible (The Contract was just mind-blowing, the writing, the acting!) but always a pleasurable experience due to the presence of Mr Cusack. I just love to settle down to a good Cusack, he's a legend!