Sunday, June 29, 2008

An Incredible Song From A Terrible Movie With Kiefer Sutherland And Dennis Hopper

The 1990 film Flashback starred Kiefer Sutherland as an FBI agent and Dennis Hopper as a hippie. It's like the makers of 24 took a time machine and made a movie with the simple premise "What if Jack Bauer smoked grass and smelled like pathchoulie?"

And yet this song ("Bottom Line," which plays during the opening credits) from Big Audio Dynamite (led by Mick Jones from The Clash) is amazing. It's the much-sought after Def Jam remix and it is the very reason why most "dance rock" doesn't appeal to me: because ever since I've heard this jam I've been spoiled.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

A Room With A Vajayjay

I now work at an ob/gyn office (don't ask). My job is to sit in the back and not scare away the female ob/gyn patients or their children. The girls I work with have a very lewd, ribald sense of humor. Frequently, they insinuate that I have a small dick. So I called my girlfriend and asked her to give my coworkers a big penis testimonial. But she refused to vouch for the size of my dingleberry and my coworkers still maintain that I have a tiny taddywacker.

It's not easy having a big brajole either. My girlfriend says my Ed Wood is too big for anal sex or oral sex. Yes, my Barry Sonnenfeld is too big for her in door and her out door. But the girls who work with me at the tweeter mechanic will never believe me.

That story has no end. Neither does my donut duster. Penis thesaurus.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Mo Diggs As Guy Ernest

Thanks to my pals Abbi Crutchfield and Luke Thayer for the video, which was taped at Delusions of Spandex at Parkside Lounge. Check out their amazing Park Slope show The Living Room!

Monday, June 23, 2008


from my Dead Frog articles:

Though the ‘60s were a tumultuous time, the beatnik comedians like Bruce and Buckley were more vocal and popular than the hippie comedians. George Carlin was famous for his Hippy Dippy Weatherman character, which he would perform in clubs. But hippies were not fans of this character.

It wasn’t until the ‘70s that Carlin and Richard Pryor would bring the energy of the ‘60s counterculture into the world of comedy.

Wild and Crazy: ‘70s

By the early ‘70s, George Carlin seemed to be spinning his wheels in the mud. Nightclubs like the Copacabana wanted nothing to do with the bearded Dionysian madman with a foul mouth and a distaste for authority. Carlin wanted to play coffehouses and colleges, growing tired of the clubs, but hippie bastions like The Bitter End and The Troubador were also not embracing the new George Carlin (the Troubador eventually gave him a chance). Many hippies thought he was trying to hop on the bandwagon.

The release of his 1972 album, FM & AM, would change that. Spending thirty five weeks on the Billboard pop charts, the album was as important to comedy as Bob Dylan’s Bringing It All Back Home was to rock. Much like Bringing It All Back Home had one familiar acoustic side and one electric side, the AM side of the record had parodies of pop culture ephemera. The FM side showcased the new Carlin: the Carlin that talked about drugs, profanity and birth control.

Carlin was now welcome everywhere, including the coffeehouses and colleges that he loved so much.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Hey Bush...

You're all right. I just got my 600 check in the mail the other day. I have hated Dubya for nearly a decade, but never in the history of hatred has someone I loathed sent me 600 dollars. Even people I love don't give me 600 bucks. No wonder they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I would probably find reasons to like Hitler if he mailed me 600 smackaroons.

"I tell you that Hitler was a real-"
- "That reminds me, you got this check from the Hitler Corporation"

- (opens envelope) 600 dollars? (tips glasses) Well...Hitler is a vegetarian."

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Hardline Icecreamists

Baskin Robbins, also known as Dunkin Donuts, is introducing soft serve ice cream into their stores for the first time in its 60 year existence. 60 years-that's as old as the state of Israel (both are being slowly invaded by Arabs). A little late to the party there, BR-31. I would love to be a fly on the wall of that boardroom meeting:

Our ice cream must be hard, not soft like those impotent lollygaggers at Carvel. We've got an army of 31 flavors and they are all harder than Black Sabbath before Ronnie James Dio took over. Soft! Everything is soft for kids these days. When I was ten and I accidentally bit into a hard rum raisin cone, i got a brain freeze. I enjoyed the pain though. It made me feel like I was alive. I found out what I was made of. Soft serve ice cream. It's not even ice cream, it's just cream.

-Sir, with all due respect soft serve is cheaper to produce.

- Aaah, I guess we can soften our stance

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Found Humor: Web 2.0-No

Found Humor is a new column in which I post things that I find that are funny. These things are either unintentionally funny or slightly funny (ie, a droll Wikipedia entry).

It may seem cheap to make fun of music videos by what we can only assume are struggling musicians, but this video has the classic film countdown reel, opening credits and a little boy playing trumpet. Despite the otherwise literal nature of this video, the singer (Dom Bianco) is dressed like a detective without any obvious motive. Like Inspector Closseau. The same zaftig blondie gesticulates wildly and screams every other second. Watch for the gratuitous footage of his guitar frets. And check him out with the sombrero and umbrella drink.

Friday, June 13, 2008

On a Personal Note: In Poor Taste

In this segment I tell humorous personal anecdotes. If you hate personal blog posts, skip this; there's plenty of non-personal stuff on this blog as well.

Father's Day is around the corner. I hope it's as delightful as my stepfather's birthday was.

Stepdad AKA Substitute Pappy AKA Vice Dad

We got ready to eat cake (as we are wont to do as Western civivlians) and you know I love cake.

But this was no ordinary cake. This was the fabled, much sought-after erotic cake experience.

It was a gift from Vice Dad's co-worker, Candi. It is difficult to choose a good gift for a coworker, so we were lucky she opted for a pragmatic, appropriate and morally astute gift not one that makes her appear to be a homewrecking jezebel.

The cake was a pair of supple youthful breasts; very pleasing form. The color was amazing as well. It wasn't a flesh tone-OH GOODNESS could you have been thinking these were flesh toned breasts? No; that would be alienating and emotionally scarring. These fun bags were hot pink. Why, it looked like the bride of Franken Berry's bilateral mammogram.

Make no mistake: I am aware of the breast feeding metaphor here. The only difference is this time there's a knife, a fork and a stepfather involved.

The fun did not end that night either. The mutilated, disembodied breasts were encased in a plastic molding, making the fridge look like a crime scene: it was like Hannibal Lecter's Cryogenic Laboratory.

This father's day-or better yet my mother's birthday-me and my stepdad will get my mom a penis and vagina cake respectively to celebrate the birth ritual. OH DRAT-I forgot, I can't make their birthday parties for the next 40 fucking years.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Mundane Dream Journal: Chicago Rentals

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I had a dream that I rented a car in Chicago and forgot where the dealership was. This represents my repressed desire to eat copy machine toner with purple ribbons.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Mein Einfach Kampf (My Easy Struggle)

I tried to read this Wired article on how social networking is going to embolden social activists, but then I read this line:

Rattray wants to make it easy for people who want to make lasting social change to find opportunities, and to network with others online.

You mean cutting class, smoking grass and making picket signs ain't easy enough? You are a social ACTIVist. Get active for chrissakes.

I am lazier than a three toed sloth on an Oxycontin bender, but I've marched in two, maybe three protests. It is not that hard.

I'm also worried that people are going to romanticize this generation 20 years from now for texting and social networking in service of the revLOLution.

Something tells me black and white agit prop cat videos are not too far behind.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Remembrance of Videos Past #58: Night Ranger, "The Secret of My Success"

My problem with '80s humor isn't so much the nostalgia; it's that those who dabble in it rarely go for the deep cuts. The only way you can remember this is if you saw the hit Michael J. Fox preppy comedy of the same name. This song sounds like an '80s comedy, with gauche synths and over-the-top horn charts.

Why is this video funny?

1) The mugging and smiling at the camera is sincere;
2) It's a rock song about success. Does it get less rock and roll than that? If this song were a bigger hit, we surely would have been deluged with songs about APR financing and stock options.

Stay tuned for the aggro hi-five at around 4:32.

HELP ME READERS: Is that really Weird Al and Motley Crue as the horn section?