Friday, October 12, 2007

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 6

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"

A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.

But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?

Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.

Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).

When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…

"A faggot with a heart of gold and a B.A. in Criminal Justice! Come on, we're going to White Castle."

“Figures, a queen wants to go to a castle.”

“Well what do you suggest?”

“Jessica Alba is in town giving a press conference.”
“Yes, so what do you wanna do?”
“Dude, I wanna ram my mayonnaise gun in her baloney taco.”

As Amir drove down the New Jersey Turnpike, he had a frightening moment of clarity. Time seemed to grind to a halt. Looking to his right, he saw mad scientist cackling in his Dodge Ram. The mad scientist beamed with pride as he looked at his custom-built...

1 comment:

Adam said...

... miniature diorama of the Camp David accords, accurate right down to Zbigniew Brzezinski's adorable little novelty cufflinks, which were in the shape of two penguins kissing.