Remembrance of Videos Past #48: Tim Dog, "Fuck Compton"

In 1992, when I brought up Dr. Dre to one of my sophomore classmates in high school, he scoffed and said "No man, Tim Dog is the true NY shit. Fuck Compton."

And so began the shot heard nowhere around the world in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars. I've seen this video three times in my life:

1) once on Yo! MTV Raps
2) once on Playboy's Hot Rocks
3) YouTube

When the Rapture takes over New York City, Tim Dog will be left standing, telling a char-broiled Dr. Dre to suck his dick.

Family Guy Staff Meeting To Make A Film Adaptation Of The Show After The Resounding Sucess Of The Simpsons Movie

Head Suit

So let's talk Family Guy Film...

Suit #2

How about we start...with a flashback?

Head Suit

Genius. Fucking genius.

Suit #3

Then we can have a pop culture reference.

Head Suit

I'm in the zone; check it out -- a flashback to a pop culture reference.

Suit #2

Yeah yeah and then the second half of the movie is a pop culture reference to the 1990 film Flashback with Kiefer Sutherland and Dennis Hopper.

Suit #3

How about we put LSD in the water supply so everyone has flashbacks and we have a Warhol painting on each screen for the pop references?

Head Suit

Well we don't have to choose. All of the above sounds great. Now marketing. The Simpsons Movie replaced 7-11 signs with Kwik E-Mart signs. We've got do them one better.

Suit #2

How's about we replace the 7-11 employees with white people?

Head Suit

I'm sold. Say, what's taking the delivery guy so long? I'm more famished than an Ethiopian Rastafarian.

Suit #3

Let's just steal the Simpsons writers' lunch. They let us take everything else.

Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA

Has Reddit been drinking the Kool Aid or popping the blue pills? The front page had this article on the CIA editing Wikepdia articles. Here are some of the most notorious examples:


John F. Kennedy Assassination
Kennedy was downed in November 1963 by a bullet that fell out of an oil magnate's hamburger. Lee Harvey Oswald loved eating toy bullets in his hamburgers. He would joke with his friends saying he was going to "bite the bullet." That fateful day though, the chayenne pepper and Oswald's saliva combined to create gunpowder, propelling the bullet to Kennedy's head.

See magic bullet

Crack In Ghetto
Contrary to pernicious urban myths, crack was not disseminated in the ghetto by the CIA. Most historians believe crack cocaine originated during a hip-hop DJ's set in the South Bronx. A turntablist was cutting cocaine on his turntable when an AIDS monkey's blood spilled from the eaves of a duplex behind him. The blood fell on the powdered cocaine and began to congeal, hardening the cocaine. A baking soda truck then flipped over, dumping the cargo onto the fateful turntable. Thus prototypical crack was born. The DJ, Crack La Rock, distributed crack at rap concerts.

Jack Bauer



Jack Bauer is a rogue agent who must be stopped. I'll cut that trifling bitch!

Things You Can Do If Your Two-Year Old Pit Bull Is Violent

If I had my druthers, pit bulls would be tough but sweet, like sexy blaxploitation mothers. As it were, pit bulls can be unruly and mean. Either way, they don't have to be burnt to death to be punished. From what I understand, dogs aren't only susceptible to flames. Bullets and rotten chuck meat will suffice. Here are some pointers for punishing Pointer without a single drop of kerosene.

Burn yourself
Just think -- you can die violently, just like you lived.

Build A Bull Out Of Ice Cream And Have A Fake Pamplona Run That will confuse the pooch.

Play It Some Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam
OK I took it too far. Goodnight.

Sarcasting #5

Check out the new sarcasting.

Heavy metal slam poetry.

That's it -- heavy metal slam poetry.

Passive-Aggressive Copy Editor Replies To Jokes E-Mailed To Her

Blonde JokeTwo blondes MALE? FEMALE? had driven across the country to see Disney World DISNEY WORLD IS BIG; WHERE IN DISNEY WORLD? EPCOT? MAGIC KINGDOM? PLEASURE ISLAND? in Florida.WHEN? WHAT CITY IN FLORIDA???

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"REALLY??? WOULDN'T THAT LEAD THEM TO ONCOMING TRAFFIC? WHAT HIGHWAY IS THIS???

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde BLONDE DRIVER YOU MEAN?? said "Oh well!" CURLY QUOTES and started driving back home.WHY DIDN'T SHE MAKE TWO LEFTS AND A RIGHT AFTER GETTING OFF THE EXIT RAMP? YOU NEED TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS

Sex Joke

A beautiful, voluptuous woman NAME? AGE?went to a
gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.ALLEGEDLY
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the
doctor began to stroke
her thigh.ACCORDING TO THE INDICTMENT, RIGHT? Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she WHY NO NAME? DID THE POLICE NOT DISCLOSE THE
VICTIM'S NAME? IF SO YOU NEED
TO MENTION THIS. replied, "you're checking for any
abrasions WHAT KIND? CORNEAL?
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctorPLEASE
REMAIN OBJECTIVE IN YOUR
REPORTING.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; NO SEMICOLON
which is
why I came
here in the first place." WHAT? NO QUOTES FROM THE
DOCTOR'S ATTORNEY? 

Bar Joke

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, NO COMMA when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, TRY A RIGHT-BRANCHING SENTENCE HERE and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his bigWEAK TRY BROBDIGNAGIAN, TexanGEE IS HE TEXAN hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.NO IS REDUNDANT; SHAKING YOUR HEAD MEANS NO IN THIS CULTURE
He asked, "Kin ya breathe (SIC GOTTA SAY SIC) ?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.LICKED HER BUTT; PLEASE AVOID UNNECESSARY PREPOSITIONS The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvreHEIMLICH FOR FUCK'S SAKE HEIMLICH YOU IGNORANT FUCKTARD PLEASE CUT MY LAWN OR SERVE MY CHECKER'S CHILI DOG OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU DO YOU MISERABBLE WASTE OF HUMAN TISSUE/STET always works."

Puppet Watch: Puppet Videos

You thought puppet watch was over? Nu-uh; it just got quiet. The Mo! Brigade has been on red alert for puppet news and here we go: top five puppet music videos (via College Humor).

Wouldn't ya know, one of the videos is indie. I told you puppets are chic.

Honestly most of the videos on this list are a bit obscure for me.

Repeat after me: you're never too cool for the Magic Garden.

Hey Bill Richardson...

One fat dude to another -- you're too fat to run for President. Seriously, look at you. We want a movie star for president, not Checker's Most Valued Customer. I mean sure you might be against the war. BFD, fatso. Republicans are burning flags over this war. Sorry Rotund Richardson, but you better drink soy milk and eat rice cakes before you consider your bid. I promise you that you will not be in the White House. Maybe the White Castle, but not the White House.

Good thing this guy has no embed code -- I don't want his blubbery mug on my template.

Remembrance of Videos Past #47: Meat Loaf, "Objects In The Rearview Mirror..."

If a blog is like a rock that you wipe your tears away with, then the links to other blogs are just the resulting abrasions.

If blogging is like going to the gym, then the insipid content is like the fat -- fat that is more pounds than an armored truck accumulating money underwater. A British armored truck with pounds inside. The currency. I think.

If clumsy similes are like overwrought, over-the-top Meatloaf songs, then metaphors are like the creepy David Finches that leave in footage of Meatloaf's pants falling down while he's running in Fight Club.

Helium Or Hot Air?

Punchline Magazine-- Dylan Gadino, to be exact -- lets a Philadelphia comedy club have it.

It really makes you wonder if alcohol should be served at comedy shows anymore.

Just shut up the throng with space cakes and Soma, I say.

Zombie Steve For President?

Real Poets Go On Match Game '75

Why Should You Buy Spin Magazine?

To see who Patton Oswalt calls "punk rock." Seriously, I would link to the article for free but it's not online. So quit rolling your eyes at Spin Magazine's And The Academy Is... coverage and pick up a copy you trust-fund hippy! Worth it for Patton Oswalt's essay alone (though an Amy Winehouse cover would make it a collector's item -- an issue is already being auctioned off on eBay).