FOLDING LAUNDRY
I helped my girlfriend fold my laundry. I don't believe it's the woman's duty to do domestic chores, I subconsciously assume they are supposed to. My unconscious tells me things and I can't answer back because I am unconscious of it. An unconscious message is like a fart: you don't know where it came from, so after a while you assume it's you.
MCDONALD'S CHEESEBURGERS
McDonald's has the bacon and cheese angus. Great stuff but today I settled for dollar value cheeseburgers. Nothing says "recession" like diced onions.
I DID, DIDN'T I
I dropped my pants during my set last night. Everyone laughed. But me.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Lose '08
Here's a clip of me on MTV's Choose or Lose talking about our new legally blunt governor. When my pal Sara Benincasa interviewed me, I was armed with a quip:
"I think Paterson should do OK because he doesn't have a Muslim-sounding name. If his middle name is 'Death to America' or 'Jihadigan' he's on his own."
Here's what made the cut:
"I sincerely hope he does well and I hope he restores faith in the office of governor." That was in reponse to the question "Do you think Paterson will restore faith in the office of governor." This was also before he admitted to snorting yayo and cheating on his wife. Just when you think things couldn't get more Orwellian, here I am sounding like a hapless fucktard cheerleader for New York State.
One time I was riding with my friend and he told me to stop because he saw a celebrity midget whose name he didn't know. I don't know what's worse: that he told me to stop to look at a celebrity midget or that he did not know said celebrity midget's name.
I fear one day there will be a Mo Diggs sighting and someone will say "Hey isn't that the fat North African American mouthpiece for the police state?"
I do comedy in the village for bohemians and skinny indie rock fans. Do you know how much this skews my demographic? I only have one potential fan now: David Paterson. And he can't legally see my act.
- This blog post was paid for by friends of David Paterson.
"I think Paterson should do OK because he doesn't have a Muslim-sounding name. If his middle name is 'Death to America' or 'Jihadigan' he's on his own."
Here's what made the cut:
"I sincerely hope he does well and I hope he restores faith in the office of governor." That was in reponse to the question "Do you think Paterson will restore faith in the office of governor." This was also before he admitted to snorting yayo and cheating on his wife. Just when you think things couldn't get more Orwellian, here I am sounding like a hapless fucktard cheerleader for New York State.
One time I was riding with my friend and he told me to stop because he saw a celebrity midget whose name he didn't know. I don't know what's worse: that he told me to stop to look at a celebrity midget or that he did not know said celebrity midget's name.
I fear one day there will be a Mo Diggs sighting and someone will say "Hey isn't that the fat North African American mouthpiece for the police state?"
I do comedy in the village for bohemians and skinny indie rock fans. Do you know how much this skews my demographic? I only have one potential fan now: David Paterson. And he can't legally see my act.
- This blog post was paid for by friends of David Paterson.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Iraq War Like Dane Cook Joke
Five years after the war started, I have reached the conclusion that the Iraq War is like a Dane Cook joke: the set-up, built on a false premise, led to countless hours of flailing limbs and screaming with no discernible conclusion or point. I am Barack Obama to Dane Cook's Bush: I'm dark skinned and I don't stand a chance.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
PITCH: Alt-Comedy Poser RPG
Alt-rock tastemakers Pitchfork get into the videogaming world by picking tracks for a baseball video game. So let's take it one step further and imagine an RPG for alt-comedy posers:
You are at an open mic and you fail miserably. You:
a) graciously accept your demise and realize that you need to grow
b) storm off the stage hanging your head in shame
c) throw in an ironic cheesy lounge singer save ("Am I right," "tip your waitstaff")
You picked (c). Am I right?
The mic is over and the comics split into different cliques, all of them engrossed in shop talk. You gravitate towards:
a) the comics that are popular
b) the quiet kid in the corner
c) your mama's house for beer money
You picked (c). Three bucks huh? Couldn't get that from a friend?
While you were at momma's house she bestowed upon you a camcorder. You:
a) tape your sets and develop your craft
b) make a short comedic film in the spirit of Keaton and Brooks
c) do an ironic, knowing '80s parody with mustaches and chest hair
You picked (c). "Magnum PR" gets a thousand views for one day but drops off the radar the next.
No worries, you now got a gig at the Slipper Room. This can be your big shot. You:
a) tell ten minutes of tight, strong material
b) engage the audience as a provocateur on the level of Andy Kaufman
c) take five minutes wasting everyone's time setting up your laptop as a film projector
You picked (c). No one laughed at the film, but now people know you want to make films so a bevy of indie cuties work their way to your table.
You are like Albert Brooks or Steve Martin now. You must choose between screen or stage. Do you want to:
a) make viral YouTube clips that will be remembered a maximum of two years down the line
b) keep doing stand-up until you realize that no one wants to pay for your material
c) shoot yourself while listening to Elliot Smith
You picked (c). In case you didn't notice, I make the decisions here.
Monday, February 25, 2008
POLL: Goofy Good or Bad?
The word "goofy" has both negative and positive connotations. So which is it? It would seem goofiness is bad, but wasn't Steve Martin goofy? Sure he was ironically goofy, but still balloon hats are pretty goofy.
That's goofiness at its best. At its worst, it means Gallagher, Carrot Top and the Jerky Boys. Dane Cook is even a little goofy. Indeed, it seems like the cards are stacked against goofiness.
But some of the greatest legends were goofy. Andy Kaufman lip synching to the Mighty Mouse theme? Albert Brooks smashing an egg in his head and doing bad ventriloquism?
I say that goofiness is like mustard or barbecue sauce--it's amazing, but you need something of substance to go with it.
DISCUSS IN THE COMMENTS
That's goofiness at its best. At its worst, it means Gallagher, Carrot Top and the Jerky Boys. Dane Cook is even a little goofy. Indeed, it seems like the cards are stacked against goofiness.
But some of the greatest legends were goofy. Andy Kaufman lip synching to the Mighty Mouse theme? Albert Brooks smashing an egg in his head and doing bad ventriloquism?
I say that goofiness is like mustard or barbecue sauce--it's amazing, but you need something of substance to go with it.
DISCUSS IN THE COMMENTS
Christian Comedy Boom
While stand-up comedy was in its golden age in the ‘70s, Christian stand-up was in its fetal stages. Thirty years later we are in a Christian stand-up boom. Between the Blue Collar Comedy tour (Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy often reference the Lord in their acts) and what may be the only stand-up sensation of the YouTube era, clean jokes about family life are more popular than ever.
It may seem like religion and comedy are nothing new—after all, many of the greatest comedians are Jews. But many Jewish comedians either take a secular approach or are downright hostile towards religion.
Indeed, many comedians are Christian. But not to the extent of preaching Christianity in their acts. If cable TV drove the comedy boom, the web is fanning the hellfire-and-brimstone flames of evangelical Christian comedy.
Many TV stations want to appeal to all religions and faiths, thus shying away from comedy of any particular religious bent. The web has no such restrictions, letting Christian message groups and blogs delight in the works of a Brad Stine or an Anita Renfroe.
But it is important to note that almost all comedy blogs and sites—sites as diverse as Comedy Central Insider, Shecky and Cringe Humor—do not cover these comedians. Will this change after the NY Times article on Renfroe? Or is this yet another example of how most popular blogs reflect city culture—indeed, the interests of the creative class—not necessarily what the rest of the country thinks.
I am a staunch atheist, but I find Renfroe’s rise to the top interesting. She appealed to a large online niche (evangelical mothers).
Is this not a similar story to that of Aziz Ansari? Didn’t interest in alternative comedy snowball after Ansari’s M.I.A. bit (the only other famous stand-up video in recent online memory) went viral on the indie music blogs? If so, then does this mean that the future of stand-up is finding a niche audience that shares similar obsessions with the comic?
What does this mean for comedians who touch on a variety of topics? It may be wise to put up a video regarding a certain topic on a site that focuses on that topic. So if you have a joke on Facebook, see if you can post that video as a link for all your Facebook friends and see if they can relate, if not laugh.
UPDATE: Thanks for the link Buzzfeed!
It may seem like religion and comedy are nothing new—after all, many of the greatest comedians are Jews. But many Jewish comedians either take a secular approach or are downright hostile towards religion.
Indeed, many comedians are Christian. But not to the extent of preaching Christianity in their acts. If cable TV drove the comedy boom, the web is fanning the hellfire-and-brimstone flames of evangelical Christian comedy.
Many TV stations want to appeal to all religions and faiths, thus shying away from comedy of any particular religious bent. The web has no such restrictions, letting Christian message groups and blogs delight in the works of a Brad Stine or an Anita Renfroe.
But it is important to note that almost all comedy blogs and sites—sites as diverse as Comedy Central Insider, Shecky and Cringe Humor—do not cover these comedians. Will this change after the NY Times article on Renfroe? Or is this yet another example of how most popular blogs reflect city culture—indeed, the interests of the creative class—not necessarily what the rest of the country thinks.
I am a staunch atheist, but I find Renfroe’s rise to the top interesting. She appealed to a large online niche (evangelical mothers).
Is this not a similar story to that of Aziz Ansari? Didn’t interest in alternative comedy snowball after Ansari’s M.I.A. bit (the only other famous stand-up video in recent online memory) went viral on the indie music blogs? If so, then does this mean that the future of stand-up is finding a niche audience that shares similar obsessions with the comic?
What does this mean for comedians who touch on a variety of topics? It may be wise to put up a video regarding a certain topic on a site that focuses on that topic. So if you have a joke on Facebook, see if you can post that video as a link for all your Facebook friends and see if they can relate, if not laugh.
UPDATE: Thanks for the link Buzzfeed!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Remembrance Of Videos Past #55: Paul Shaffer, “When the Radio is On” (Live Version)
Paul Shaffer was David Letterman’s obedient foil, laughing at his jokes and leading his band through runs of “Wild Thing” and “Born to be Wild.”
One episode, however, the writer of “It’s Raining Men” took the reigns and debuted one of his own compositions: a doo-wop revival song with Dion, Fresh Prince, Carol Kane and other assorted guests.
Wasn’t enthralled with this song, but it never left my head. Every now and then I remember the melody.
Catch the Fresh Prince at his whitest.
One episode, however, the writer of “It’s Raining Men” took the reigns and debuted one of his own compositions: a doo-wop revival song with Dion, Fresh Prince, Carol Kane and other assorted guests.
Wasn’t enthralled with this song, but it never left my head. Every now and then I remember the melody.
Catch the Fresh Prince at his whitest.
Monday, February 11, 2008
World Wide Web: Toughest Crowd For Stand-Up
Judging from these two excerpts regarding cool reception stand-up gets on the web, it seems like the glory days of the genre were in the ’80s, when cable channels showed it incessantly. Now sketch is doing much better.
“When they say that all writers are storytellers, I just laugh at that,” said Matt Besser, a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade comedy troupe, who recently started ucbcomedy.com. “A majority of them are, but there’s a lot of writers who write sketch comedy, and a sketch isn’t a joke, and it isn’t a sitcom. I don’t know any really great stories that are three minutes long.”
Sketch comedy “just has its day right now,” he added. “This is sketch’s medium, really.”
Dan Bialek advises that up-and-coming stand-ups put up a sketch or anything before they put up a stand-up video online:
There’s nothing that comes across worse via the Internet than video of standup comedy. You could be the funniest person on the planet and have a 20-minute tape of you making a packed audience cry bloody tears of laughter. Put it up on the web and I defy you to get more than 30% of the people who comment on it anonymously tell you it doesn’t suck. If you’re not famous and people don’t already know and love you, don’t put your standup up on net. You’re just begging for rejection.
Besides, standup sets (even bits) are too long for today’s 30-second, ADHD stricken YouTube audience. Ten seconds into your hilarious two-minute chunk on parking spaces, every Adderall monkey on Bebo will be heading over to the Bang Bros. to watch failed beauticians take it reverse cowboy style from men with Hepatitis-flavored tattoos in the back of a Volkswagon Vanagon. It’s not your fault. That’s just the way internet audiences are.
Instead, make a short video demonstrating your sense of humor using whatever you have around you. If you know how to use Adobe Flash or a similar program make a short animated series showcasing your material. If you’re flat broke and completely maladroit when it comes to tech stuff, shoot a series of short unedited videos using your cellphone, a borrowed digital camera or a cheap webcam.
Indeed the last viral stand-up video was Kramer saying the “N-word” over and over again. Needless to say, that did not help his career.
So to all of you stand-up comics who keep talking about “doing something online,” it may be wise to take the Taoist approach and do without doing.
“When they say that all writers are storytellers, I just laugh at that,” said Matt Besser, a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade comedy troupe, who recently started ucbcomedy.com. “A majority of them are, but there’s a lot of writers who write sketch comedy, and a sketch isn’t a joke, and it isn’t a sitcom. I don’t know any really great stories that are three minutes long.”
Sketch comedy “just has its day right now,” he added. “This is sketch’s medium, really.”
Dan Bialek advises that up-and-coming stand-ups put up a sketch or anything before they put up a stand-up video online:
There’s nothing that comes across worse via the Internet than video of standup comedy. You could be the funniest person on the planet and have a 20-minute tape of you making a packed audience cry bloody tears of laughter. Put it up on the web and I defy you to get more than 30% of the people who comment on it anonymously tell you it doesn’t suck. If you’re not famous and people don’t already know and love you, don’t put your standup up on net. You’re just begging for rejection.
Besides, standup sets (even bits) are too long for today’s 30-second, ADHD stricken YouTube audience. Ten seconds into your hilarious two-minute chunk on parking spaces, every Adderall monkey on Bebo will be heading over to the Bang Bros. to watch failed beauticians take it reverse cowboy style from men with Hepatitis-flavored tattoos in the back of a Volkswagon Vanagon. It’s not your fault. That’s just the way internet audiences are.
Instead, make a short video demonstrating your sense of humor using whatever you have around you. If you know how to use Adobe Flash or a similar program make a short animated series showcasing your material. If you’re flat broke and completely maladroit when it comes to tech stuff, shoot a series of short unedited videos using your cellphone, a borrowed digital camera or a cheap webcam.
Indeed the last viral stand-up video was Kramer saying the “N-word” over and over again. Needless to say, that did not help his career.
So to all of you stand-up comics who keep talking about “doing something online,” it may be wise to take the Taoist approach and do without doing.
Cloverfield Spoiler Alert
I know I’m late to the party (in this case Robert’s going away party [wink]) but I finally saw Cloverfield.
SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!
SPOILER ALERT OVER! SPOILER ALERT OVER!
Yeah, so that took me by surprise, but altogether it was a great monster
SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!
SPOILER ALERT OVER! SPOILER ALERT OVER!
Yeah, so that took me by surprise, but altogether it was a great monster
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Not Only Is It Super Tuesday
Not only is today Super Tuesday but it’s also Fat Tuesday and Pancake Day as well as:
White Blues Tuesday: Annoying white frat boy blues musicians working on Wall Street affect their most annoying blues argot today. “Sho nuff the dow sho’ be down. But my dong is up—I think you know what I’m talkin’ about.” Soul patch sales usually peak at this time.
Huey Lewis and the News Tuesday: Huey Lewis calls everyone and says “This ain’t a sales call, just checkin to see if you wanna go back in time.” Christopher Lloyd doesn’t mind because he gets the call every day (and time travels).
Naghib Mahfouz Tuesday: Drunken college kids gather at the student unions and belt out short stories by the Nobel Prize winning Egyptian author as girls do keg stands while wearing wet white burkas.
White Blues Tuesday: Annoying white frat boy blues musicians working on Wall Street affect their most annoying blues argot today. “Sho nuff the dow sho’ be down. But my dong is up—I think you know what I’m talkin’ about.” Soul patch sales usually peak at this time.
Huey Lewis and the News Tuesday: Huey Lewis calls everyone and says “This ain’t a sales call, just checkin to see if you wanna go back in time.” Christopher Lloyd doesn’t mind because he gets the call every day (and time travels).
Naghib Mahfouz Tuesday: Drunken college kids gather at the student unions and belt out short stories by the Nobel Prize winning Egyptian author as girls do keg stands while wearing wet white burkas.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Heath Ledger Is One Dry Joker
In one of Heath Ledger's last interviews, he briefly discussed Australian humor:
What do you miss most about Australia?
HL: Hmm...Probably the sense of humor, I really do.
How is the humor different?
HL: There's quite a cultural difference. The Australian sense of humor is very dry, sarcastic, and very undercover. Like if I tell any jokes here, people just think I'm...serious! So I just quit telling any jokes whatsoever.
Hopefully he wasn't telling jokes about spiking Gotham's water supply with LSD or throwing smoke bomb baseballs at major league games and mysteriously escaping.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Condescendingly Racist Laptops For Kids
Reading this interesting NY Times blog post on the One Laptop Per Child project, I caught this:
Neither I nor the author of the above line, Virginia Heffernan, believe that M.I.T. rock star Nicholas Negroponte is a condescending bigot. But what if one were behind this project?
Sticks and stones may break your bones—or be the foundation of your home, if you live in a third-world nation. We can’t in good faith blame the hordes of godless heathens in sub-Saharan Africa and the Middle East for not understanding basic abstract concepts. That’s why we designed the ButtonBox.
Since children in developing nations are only familiar with bright colors, tree branches and pebbles (not even tree branches if we are talking about those li’l desert dwelling critters) we added a wooden stick with each laptop. Since the ruddy faced mongoloids may be intimidated by a case that flashes and makes noises, the stick is used as an extension of the finger, to make sure the laptop is safe.
Once the kids are comfortable enough to use the laptop, we make sure children are greeted with a luminous wallpaper. Though the children are free to choose any wallpaper they would like, the default image is that of trampling the soft skulls of “bad cowboys” like Heath Ledger.
An instructional video then pops up, teaching children how to read blogs chronicling the throbbing hustle and bustle of advanced civilizations (New York, Los Angeles). This way, children can be introduced to more appropriate, pop-inflected African music like Vampire Weekend.
Don’t drop the plates out your mouths parents—sites such as MySpace and Facebook are blocked, as are any porn sites. Who needs porn when everyone in Africa is naked anyway?
And for you shrewd bargaining Arabs, we included a free goat. A robot goat that acts as a GPS locator for your little rug (riding) rats. That way, you can stone your daughter to death if she sneaks off to a jazz club.
So please enjoy this ButtonBox; it’s better than food!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Naughty Right Wing Acronyms
A political organization has been launched called Citizens United Not Timid. Yes, the acronym resulting from that is no accident.
Here are some other ones the unearthed:
Council on Unassimilated Muslims
Federation Against Gays
Conservative Organization Condemning Kissing
Against Social Services
Conservatives Loathe Income Tax
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Mundane Dream Journal: Brokeback Parents
I had a dream I saw Brokeback Mountain with my parents in the theater
They dragged me to see it
I was all "NO"
But they insisted
This means I have the repressed desire to dress like an adult baby with latex diapers
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Hey Indie Comic...
You're not Doug Stanhope or Dan Bialek so shut your rubbery, foetid trap about how you are going to book your own stand-up tour or how you are going to get 50 fans to pay 10 bucks to see you at a bar, whatever.
I'm all for talented people doing this. People with discipline who have a voice and impressive stage presence. A point of view.
But no one wants to toss any smackaroons your way to hear your jibber jabber about how Williamsburg is annoying or how many Sylvester Stallone films you saw this morning. I'm a recovering Marxist materialist, so the last thing I want to tout is individuality or having a soul.
But could the reason you tell so many alterna-hacky robot sci-fi jokes be that you are, indeed, a robot? If so, I have news for you: you won't make money off anybody. American Apparel and Vice Magazine are reaping glittering fields of lucre off your android ass.
Seriously, are you a fucking replicant? Did you ever have your heart broken? Does anything upset you? Are you really so oblivious about the impending recession that you think people will temporarily put aside their fears of finding affordable housing or having bad credit so you can act out a scene from Styx's "Mr. Roboto?"
It's alterna-clones like you that will lead to the alternative comedy bust. What was meant to allow comics with unique voices a chance to be heard will eventually become a hipster circle jerk.
So think twice before you spam all fifty of your fans about your upcoming show at some faux-dive with a $10 cover. The "fans" may really be blade runners.
NOTE: This is not directed at anyone reading this through FaceBook.
I'm all for talented people doing this. People with discipline who have a voice and impressive stage presence. A point of view.
But no one wants to toss any smackaroons your way to hear your jibber jabber about how Williamsburg is annoying or how many Sylvester Stallone films you saw this morning. I'm a recovering Marxist materialist, so the last thing I want to tout is individuality or having a soul.
But could the reason you tell so many alterna-hacky robot sci-fi jokes be that you are, indeed, a robot? If so, I have news for you: you won't make money off anybody. American Apparel and Vice Magazine are reaping glittering fields of lucre off your android ass.
Seriously, are you a fucking replicant? Did you ever have your heart broken? Does anything upset you? Are you really so oblivious about the impending recession that you think people will temporarily put aside their fears of finding affordable housing or having bad credit so you can act out a scene from Styx's "Mr. Roboto?"
It's alterna-clones like you that will lead to the alternative comedy bust. What was meant to allow comics with unique voices a chance to be heard will eventually become a hipster circle jerk.
So think twice before you spam all fifty of your fans about your upcoming show at some faux-dive with a $10 cover. The "fans" may really be blade runners.
NOTE: This is not directed at anyone reading this through FaceBook.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Second Anniversary Of My Blog
On Jan. 12 2006, I launched this digital scroll of cybernetic humor. Two years since I started I have been a contributor for the Apiary as well as Dead Frog, I have been interviewed in Time Out New York and I'm actually getting some real spots (see the upcoming shows category).
Here's a look back at two years of the worst thing to happen to comedy since the Internet. What a LOLlercoaster it's been.
First Blog Post Ever
The Decline Of Porn
Kidz Bop Trend
Remembrance Of Videos Past
New Hip-Hop Subcultures
Maniloween
The Rudest Pan Asian Cuisine Menu
How To Build Your Own Interrogation Room
In The Future Everything Will Play Music
Maxim's Review of Dane Cook's Performance in Mr. Brooks
What Ahmadinejad Said Off-Stage At Columbia University
Worst Funk Awards
Do This On Thanksgiving...
1990: Worst Year In Pop Music History?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
