Ba-Dum-Bump This!

While I'm in my Bill Maher-ranting mode, let me give a stately decree banning written ba-dum-bumps forever. In meatspace, human organisms say ba-dum-bump when someone else tells a corny joke. More often than not I find that today's cybersquirts are writing it after every joke they write themselves. It's a knowing, winking gesture. A pusillanimous stab at anti-humor. As if not writing it means you are clueless about how grating your wordplay is.

"Bush has screwed more people than Clinton ever has. Ba-dum-bump!"

This is most common in circles where you are expected to be funny (comedy message boards, comments on comedian's blogs, anything reeking of elitist sophistication). I hate the New York Post more than Osama Bin Laden hates Bobby Brown, but even the editors know better than to add a fucking onomatopoeic rimshot at the end of their punny, soft headlines.

The only thing worse than an air drummer is a nervous text drummer. Grow a pair of gender-neutral gonads and stick with your material. No one can hear us not laugh in cyberspace.