Friday, April 14, 2006

Video Game Character Episode of "Next"

"Next" is one of those dating shows that uses that annoying "voted off" cliche. I wonder what this show would be like with video game characters.

Hello. My name is Samus Aran. I used to wear a power suit and shoot metroid as well as Mother Brain. Now I wear a powerful suit and shoot pictures of mothers' brains using state-of-the art PET scans at Central Star Radiology.

I need a guy who challenges me and who has a good work ethic. Though I am 45, I like to be treated like a lady, not like Lara Slut - I mean Croft.

(cut to Samus Aran flipping her blond hair)

After all those years as a lonely bounty hunter, I need a partner. For love, not bounty hunting.

(cut to RV with male contestants)

Nameles thug from Grand Theft Auto III: I'm going in. (He leaves and RV contestant inexplicably laugh)

GTA Guy: Hello.
Samus: Oh Mylanta, you are so fine. Today, we're going to jump from ledge to ledge.

(after the activity is over)

Samus: So what do you do for a living?
GTA thug: Punch hoes - I mean holes.
Samus: Oh really? Holes? I thought you said "Punch hoes." I like to punch bitches myself.
GTA: Reall-
(Samus punches him)
Samus: Next!

(GTA thug walks back into RV - RV contestants laugh.)

Master Chief from Halo: I'm going in NEXT! (RV contestants inexplicably laugh)

Samus: Hi!
Master Chief:
(Gives her helmet. Samus looks confused - he explains). I got it so we could communicate better. You can read and hear what I'm saying with this helmet. It is teh coolest.
Samus: Aw, hell no. I've been wearing a helmet for twenty years. Next!

(Master Chief walks back into RV. Contestants laugh.)

Lara Croft from Tomb Raider: I'm going in.
GTA Guy: With a strap-on?
(contestants inexplicably laugh)

Lara Croft: Hello, Samus.
Samus: Bitch please. Next!

(Contestants inexplicably laugh)

Samus: Oh, hi Sonic the Hedgehog. (wacks him) You are moving way too fast. (Sonic stands with hands at hips, taps foot and gives her a dirty look) Next!

(Sonic runs back into RV and throws Mario out the RV.)

Mario: It's me, Mario.
Samus: Hi Mario.
Mario: Mama mia!
Samus: So far you are the most charming one.
Mario: Wa-ho!
Samus: Don't get too excited.
Mario: Pickle!
Samus: Huh?
Mario: I mean "Let's a-go."
Samus: Actually, you must a-go. Next!

(RV with contestants including Mario are on Katamari ball from Katamari Damacy)

Samus: Oh Mylanta! I'm in love! All the hipsters love Katamari Damacy! (Katamari ball crushes her) It is my fate, alas, to be crushed by the one I love. (contestants inexplicably laugh)