Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hot Rock Genres

Let me break them down from biggest to smallest on Billboard:

Soft Cock Rock

In the '80's, metal bands had power ballads for those intimate moments. But those guys were all painted fops. We are now blessed with sensitive, bearded neo-grunge titans. Chad Kroeger, Nickelback's lead singer, goes back to high school in "Photograph," a masterwork of jock nostalgia.

How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head

See, it's still cock rock because of the dude-ish sentiments, but because it happened in the past, it has that rose-colored hue. Let's try that with bullying:

Do you remember Ahmed Brown?
How we pulled his pants down?
And he really started to frown
When we broke his Velvet Underground?

Other examples of soft cock rock: Three Doors Down, Creed

Memo (Metal plus Emo)

Yeah yeah yeah, you're gonna kill yourself. Suuuuuure. What, you're slitting your wrists? Oooh, I'm gonna tell.

OK, what's this AFI I hear of? They sound metal. And we all know only three things happen when you listen to metal: you commit suicide; you shoot up your school; or you prepare a goat cheese fondue for the Annual Satanist Cook-Off. But Satanism is sooo passe and this song is too emo to make you pick up a gun. Unless, you use it on yourself. OMG, you're really gonna do it. Shit, I'm gonna break out the noose and stool. This bullshit is #1 on the modern rock charts.

Examples: AFI, Avenged Sevenfold

Aged Alterna-Beefcake

What's with all these lithe twerps? What happened to the bronze alterna-gods of yesteryear? Remember Anthony Keidis?

God, he was so funny with that tube sock on his cock. Hey, that rhymes. Cock sock. Tee-hee. What? They play music? Oh, I bought these CDs thinking they were plastic credits that I kept purchasing until Anthony Keidis removed all his socks. What? I'm not gay! I just want to embarrass him. Umm, I don't know why I didn't say anything about Flea. Whatever, I love this music anyway. It's fun-kay. And Audioslave kicks so much ass, they could kickstart the ass. Hey, that would be a great Audioslave album, "Kickstart My Ass." Oh wait, Motley Crue already did that.

Examples: RHCP, Audioslave

Hitster Rock

By day I work as a CPA, by night I'm a super-hipster, or a hitster. Garden State soundtrack? Too obscure for me. Give me The Killers and Jet everytime. Sorry, I couldn't hear you; did you call me a poser? I was too busy buttfucking your suicide girl-friend here. Haha, you thought she liked guys who listen to bands like Love and Silversun Pickups? Hahahahaha! That's why they call us bad boys. The girls know they shouldn't like us, but once we throw them a PBR (cheap beer is not as much of an acquired taste as you think it is, chief) with our prehensile dicks, well let's just say they file us in the "guilty pleasures" category with The Killers and Jet. Oh, I'm supposed to be talking about music? I'm fucking this alterna-skirt so hard, I can't hear the music. But music is meant to be in the background not the foreground, right art major?

Example: The Killers, Jet, Wolfmother, The Bravery


Cibbuano said...

I hate all those genres, yet, at the same time, I can't help but like Wolfmother. Is it the name? The big fro?

Mo! said...

No, it's that your australian. Kidding.