Iran: Making Western Pop Way Sexier Since 2007

Props to my boy Cibby from Ellipsoid and the Wandering Pocket for this incredible music video find. Check it: these Iranian ladies decided to take the clinically unsexy Snow video "Informer" and turn it into Shawarma's Angels. Yes, I think this is part of Ahmenijad's plan to turn all men into mindless sheep drooling in awe at the power Iran has to turn shitty '90's blue-eyed reggae cheese into trance-inducing gun porn.

Sonic the Hedgehog and Other Video Game Has-Beens

At one time Sonic the Hedgehog was considered the successor to Mario's throne but now, thanks to this video showing the glacial load times of Sonic for the XBox 360 , Sonic is the Tara Reid of video game stars. He's a sluggish, washed-up star. He has difficulty playing a three-dimensional character. He also has smaller tits than ever.



No video game character is more pathetic than Sonic. He makes Leisure Suit Larry look like Denzel Washington.


Leisure Suit Larry 9: Deja Screw

I could see Sonic at the bar with a few of his B-list video game star pals.




Uh, don't you think you're drinking too fast, Sonic?



Bullseye, Shin! Everyone on YouTube is talking about how fast I am!


Poor choice of words, Shinobi.


Sorry.(long pause) What are you thinking, Hog?


Know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that back then you and I were the kings of consoles, Shinobi. The emperors of entertainment. The lords of...


What about me?


First of all, you fucked up the alliteration and assonance, R.O.B. Third of all, you are not even a video game character. You were never the on-screen character in Gyromite. Know what your legacy is? Pressing the A-button! Oooh!


That and, how do you say-


Don't, R.O.B.-


I came with the Nintendo Entertainment System along with Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. Nobody remembers that, right, Sonic the Has-Been?


Are you trying to push my buttons S.L.O.B.? How quaint!


(Enter Mario)


Shit guys, don't look. Mario's here.


It's me, Mario!



Well if it isn't the missing Village Person with the mustache and the plumber's costume. The gay bar's across the street, Mari.


Sonic!


Please, I understand the animosity. I'm not here to match wits. I have a business proposal for you and Shinobi.



If it involves farting flames with your mushroom-popping loser of a brother, I'm on sabbatical.


Look, it's no secret that retro games are hot. I want to include you and Shinobi on Wii's Virtual Console


Great idea Mario. You and me together again like in the NES days! I always figured the Wii was missing a nunchuck-wielding robot. Sign me up!


Uh, sorry , no one told him I guess?


Allow me. The Wiimote is about more than just tapping buttons. It's about movement and... speed! Sign me and Shinobi up Mario.


But what about me?

3 MONTHS LATER


Since no one trusts me behind the nuclear button, I have hired a robot to do that job for me. Please welcome my new Secretary of Defense, Robotic Operating Buddy, or as I call him, Gyro. Heh heh.

Worst Videos of '07

Worst Comedy Video of '07: Saddam Hussein Execution

The dialogue is forced, the slapstick is graceless and it's really hard to relate to Saddam as a protagonist.



Worst Music Video of '07: 4 Year Old Drummer

I'm sorry, but did we not get the memo that jazz fusion is soo 1973? And I know you don't want to do idiotic Eddie Van Halen mugging, but could we at least blink? My three year old nephew could do better!





Worst Horror Video of '07: VJ Vanessa Minnillo drops the "F" Bomb on MTV's New Year's Eve

And the award for delayed reaction goes to...

Funniest Post on this Blog for '06: Hot Rock Genres

If every post was funny, I wouldn't feel the need to give such a seemingly conceited award. But I have had whole weeks where I was not only unfunny but I didn't even try. You wonder why comedians rarely update their blogs? They save their best shit for the stage anyway. Even the posts that were funny on this blog started out serious. But like I said, I've had a good year. I'm on the blog rolls for all the major alternative comedy blogs. Some of the biggest music bloggers have linked to my stuff. Vh-1's Best Week Ever has linked to me(I'm "one taker" in this link) twice.

Here is the best blog post I've written all year. I get a lot of my best material on and offstage ranting like a music geek. Not the cool High Fidelity indie snob variety but the slack-jawed ne'er do-well flushing the jazz section at FYE. Reading Billboard, I got mad at the quality of music that made the modern rock charts. Thus I got to typing and penned this vitriolic missive about the sorry state of popular rock.

Enjoy Hot Rock Genres and have a happy new year. Let's hope Carson Daly uses the five point palm exploding heart technique on Ryan Seacrest.


Previous Posts:

Funniest Song of '06: Kramer Rap

Funniest Viral Video of '06: Crying Wrestling Fan

Funniest Movie of '06: Idiocracy

Funniest Show: 30 Rock

Funniest Stand-Up Comedian: Louis CK

Funniest Sketch Group: Olde English

Funniest Website: Diesel Sweeties

Funniest Website of '06: Diesel Sweeties

Ze Frank would have won but he's occasionally serious. Any comedian would have won, but they do not consistently update their pages. College Humor is awesome but occasionally lapses into predictable frat boy/meathead premises for their articles (Top Ten Things to Say to a Girl Who Caught You Slippin' Her a Roofie, etc.) No, I need the robot/goth/metalhead/indie snob/furrie webcomic soap opera to force those Chinese schoolgirl giggles out of me.



Like Seinfeld, Diesel Sweeties is about everything and nothing. There is a serial narrative, but I started reading it long after the first page. I put up an older comic below to give you guys a sample of the funniest website of the year. Yes, you are wasting time reading my blog.

Funniest Sketch Comedy Group of '06: Olde English

Not only for Ben Takes a Photo of Himself Every Day



but for this classic



These guys had the best success story: doing a sketch a day on their website, having "Brian Takes..." go viral and getting their own UCB show. I just hope we see some more new sketches in 2007.

Funniest Stand-Up Comedian of 2006: Louis CK

For the show "Lucky Louie." For the podcast. For his popularity in "cringe humor" circles as well as alternative comedy circles. No other comedian gets this much respect in pop and indie circles. He's like the Justin Timberlake of comedy. Also the scandal that brought about Dane Cook's downfall. Yes Dane, he who lives by the web (MySpace) dies by the web (A Special Thing). Of course Louis CK also has jokes. But the number one reason why he's the comedian of the year is his pathological incapability to give a fuck. Here's Louis CK from Comic Relief. Yes, he has done more for Katrina than FEMA has.

Funniest Show of '06: "30 Rock"

My brain says "Colbert Report," my heart says "Lucky Louie" but my split-open sides and my slapped-out knees say "30 Rock." Entering the NBC fall schedule in the wake of that wooden Aaron Sorkin monstrosity "Studio 60," Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan became this year's most hilarious grotesques of vanity and insanity leading to much hilarity in this SNL parody. Did I already use hilarity?


Think peacock!

Funniest Movie of '06: "Little Miss Sunshine"

I know, I am committing heresy. I'm supposed to choose "Borat." A few things:

a) "Borat" loses momentum in the third act; "Little Miss Sunshine" gets funnier and funnier
b) LMS is like an indie version of "National Lampoon's Vacation"
c) Steve Carell, not Sacha Baron Cohen, is the finest comic actor of the decade
d) Greg Kinnear is the most underrated comic actor of this generation



UPDATE: Idiocracy is the funniest film.

Fuck You, I Am the Man of the Year

Frank Rich and George Will have a problem with Time magazine's cover. The one that says "You" are the person of the year. I can see why. It is a little desperate. But I resent that they argue, as Brian Williams does in that same PotY issue, that New Media/Web 2.0 is all about self-absorbed brats who want to talk about their lives. Are you fucking kidding me? People still think that all blogs are personal? That all YouTubes are like Loonygirl15? That there are no blogs or YouTubes that talk about Iraq?!!! Have we heard of political bloggers or military bloggers? Did we not see war footage on YouTube yet Frank? We know you are important, but reread your fucking editor's notes every now and again. Unfucking real.

I am especially pissed off because I never write about my personal accomplishments on this blog. And believe me there are many. I could have written about:

* the time I saved the kitten stuck in the space elevator
* the time I saved Tyco Brahe's corpse from Opie and Anthony


Hey, put that mustache down!

* the time I did a stand-up comedy gig at Bumbershoot, put it on YouTube and ended the war between Israel and Lebanon

* the time I taped "Veronica Mars" for my parents

But I never write about these things on my blog. Instead, I selflessly put aside these small but precious victories and herald the arrival of things bigger than me like puppet chic and insurance rap. So, yes, I, Mo Exclamation Point, am the man of the year. I would love to write a long thank-you list, but I see a couple of shock jocks fondling Nicolaus Copernicus.


This year man of the year, next year sexiest man alive!

Funniest Viral Video of '06: Crying Wrestling Fan

Again "Dick in a Box" lost because it didn't have that schadenfreude. And that, my friends, is the secret ingredient of a viral video. I mean, why else is Star Wars Kid more popular than a Paris Hilton porno tape? So, despite the fact that my girlfriend feels sorry for him, I never stop laughing at that loss of WWF innocence. Listen for that twangy wrestler's consolation: "Take it easy, man."

Funniest Song of '06: Kramer Rap

I have seen the future of musical comedy and it is the mash-up. For years musical comedians have either written parodies or original songs. But if there is one thing that web surfers love, it's schadenfreude.



Surfers hate schadenfreude

With the mash-up, the most embarrassing moments are galvanized into crunktastic gold. And is anything more ironic than a rap song sung by a man who rants against blacks? "Dick in a Box" is funny as well, but "dick" is not the taboo word on the web. Thus I doff my fictional hat


Fictional Hat

to the Kramer Rap gang.

Top Comedy Podcasts on Digg

While I was away, I caught Digg's new podcast section. Here are the top ten comedy podcasts.

1)Tiki Bar TV

2)Strong Bad Emails

3)The Onion Radio News

4)Ask A Ninja

5) Keith and The Girl

6) French Maid TV

7) The Show with Ze Frank

8) The Ricky Gervais Show

9) Nobody Likes Onions

10) Happy Tree Friends

Commentary: First of all, the number one comedy podcast has 2790 diggs. Number ten has 310. That's a 2480 digg drop man. Indeed I think it's important to look at who is in the Digg Thousandaire club. Tiki Bar, Strong Bad and The Onion are. So mixed drink sketch comedy, surreal cartoon comedy and fake news comedy take the cake. How does stand-up fare? Not bad. Keith and the Girl often has guests like Liam Mcaneany and Greg Giraldo.

But do stand-ups have their own popular podcast? Depends. #17 is Comedy Central stand-up video. Within that podcast the most dugg episode is the Christian Finnegan one. But that's a one minute clip. The biggest, at number 21, is Jimmy Pardo's Never Not Funny.

OK this is boring. Let me look at the music podcasts and make fun of the hipsters. The biggest indie podcast on Digg (Paste Culture Club) is at number 25. This is the web, where every blog never fails to remind you how every breath you draw is false because you haven't heard the latest TV on the Radio album yet. But that's just it: Digg hates bloggers. Even the blog posts that make the front page have one comment about how bloggers are stupid. Of course, in Hipsterburg, blogs course through the sickly veins of all the pale indie fans. Word to the wise: if you are a hipster comic or critic, get your podcast the fuck away from Digg. Still not convinced? The Burg (a show I actually like) has two (2) fucking Diggs! Perhaps hipster comedy isn't so hot on Digg either. Yes, I'm gonna break it to you hipsters: nerds with tape on their glasses and halitosis in their crusty mouths are more popular than you are. People would literally rather watch an iPod in a blender than watch that cell phone video of My Morning Jacket at Lollapalooza.

And they find this show funnier than The Burg.


Tiki Bar TV

Ghost of Christmas Videos Past: Springsteen/E Street/Weinberg 7/Conan O' Brien, "Merry Christmas Baby"

I'm taking off until the day after Christmas. Happy holidays.

Ghost of Christmas Videos Past: The Kinks, "Father Christmas"

1977 was the year the Sex Pistols released "Anarchy in the UK." Ever since the song has been on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4, "Anarchy" - along with punk rock - has lost its edge tremendously. Jazz is no longer hip, punk no longer dangerous.

So in retrospect Hall and Oates's "Rich Girl" and The Kinks' "Father Christmas" (both from 1977) are two of the most acid-tongued songs in pop history.




Like "Rich Girl," "Father Christmas" is less about class war and more about class resentment. The snide remark "Give all the toys to the little rich boys" packs more of a wallop than "I wanna destroy passersby" ever will. Above all, even the rich college students or hipsters can relate to the chorus: "Father Christmas, give us some money." Read: Mom and Dad, gimme me money so I can go get fucked up with my friends the day after Christmas.

Flickeur: Funnier Than Anything on YouTube

Sometimes artists are actually funnier than comedians. Flickeur for instance. Flickeur makes a moving slide show of random Flickr images and types the day and time underneath each moving image as if it were a suspense thriller. The soundtrack is so ominous but it's hilarious when used to score the image of, say, a dining room table.



You thought it was brisket...


via Rhizome

Ghost of Christmas Videos Past: Run DMC, "Christmas in Hollis"

Yes there was a time when rap songs told stories. But the catalogs were most important.

It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens
Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens
Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese
And Santa put gifts under Christmas trees
Decorate the house with lights at night
Snow's on the ground, snow white so bright
In the fireplace is the yule log
Beneath the mistletoe as we drink eggnog
The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's
But each and every year we bust Christmas carols

Plus this song was in Die Hard.



PS: I want that elf's Simon-like control panel soo bad for Xmas.

Hey Pauly Shore and Michael Richards

You're not Andy Kaufman. For those who don't know, Pauly Shore got punched by a "heckler."



Guess what? It's fake. Who pretended to confront hecklers? Andy Kaufman. But Pauly's not the only Kaufman biter: Michael Richards, a friend of Kaufman's, was obviously trying to antagonize the audience Kaufman style. Kaufman, like the Beatles, were revolutionary artists that spawned the awful genres of art-comedy and art-rock respectively. Pioneers open the gates for opportunistic hacks. Psychedelia begets art rock, punk rock gives birth to mall punk and yes, one day, all comedy shows will become festering sores all over the cityscape full of talentless "performance artists." Andy Kaufman was the first of his kind and the last. So for the few earnest artists left who want to prevent their seemingly inevitable descent into Kaufmania, here's a list of do's and don'ts so you can be a respectable comedian not a washed-up hack relying on confrontational (read: desperate) gimmicks.

Do: Have a character. Richard Pryor and Peter Sellers had characters.

Don't: Act as if the character is not really a character. Even Sacha Baron Cohen puts his name in the credits. Please don't answer your phone as "Manifred Chesterton, Peoria's #1 Evangelical Pet Psychic."

Do: Innovative crowd work. I agree, sometimes stand-up feels like the least funny thing in the universe and you need to resort to non sequiturs and anti-humor to cleanse the palette.

Don't: Yell at the audience or, perhaps worse, pretend to fight the audience. This isn't the seventies, when most people predicted we would be talking into radio wristwatches. We have cell phone cameras and Google caches. Believe me, the audience will know if it's a prank.

Do: Performance art, as long as it's funny. Just remember: everything is art, but not everything is funny.


Don't: Suddenly "take an interest" in "performance art" eight years after your last hit show or film. We have enough trouble imagining you in a different Hollywood role, why would we possibly think you are the second coming of Vito Acconci?



Do: Be yourself.

Don't: Be Andy Kaufman. Or Tony Clifton. Or Pauly Shore. Or Michael Richards. Or Vito Acconci.

Ghost of Christmas Videos Past: Pretenders, "2000 Miles"

I'm going to be shopping/working very hard this week. I know, we had a gangbusters first year, ending up on the blogroll of TSOYA, Baron Vaughn, Giulia Rozzi, Carolyn Castiglia, Susie Felber, Dead Frog, The Apiary, Fast Hugs, Sammy Ray and Passion of the Weiss. But unlike group blogs like Gawker or Boing Boing, I am but one man and, yes it upsets me but I can't surf the web as much as I do during the non-holiday season.

But don't my blog readers deserve gifts? Of course. Here is a classic from the hippest era of Christmas music: the '80's. This one gets me because, unlike all the other festive lounge lizard ditties, "2000 Miles" is plaintive and lovely. It's like the "Sweet Jane" of Christmas songs (Cowboy Junkies steez).





Now if you want people to get you this song for Christmas make sure they don't get you the cheap Coldplay knock-off. You'll find a better imitation in Chinatown. While you're in Chinatown, go to an opium den and crank this on your iPod.

I'm a Member of the MTV Generation?

I thought I was a member of Generation X, but according to the infallible consensus that governs Wikipedia, if you were born between 1975-1984 in America, you're a member of the MTV Generation. That explains why I keep posting music videos on my blog. The Lost Generation had The Sun Also Rises, we'll always have this: