Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Sonic the Hedgehog and Other Video Game Has-Beens

At one time Sonic the Hedgehog was considered the successor to Mario's throne but now, thanks to this video showing the glacial load times of Sonic for the XBox 360 , Sonic is the Tara Reid of video game stars. He's a sluggish, washed-up star. He has difficulty playing a three-dimensional character. He also has smaller tits than ever.

No video game character is more pathetic than Sonic. He makes Leisure Suit Larry look like Denzel Washington.

Leisure Suit Larry 9: Deja Screw

I could see Sonic at the bar with a few of his B-list video game star pals.

Uh, don't you think you're drinking too fast, Sonic?

Bullseye, Shin! Everyone on YouTube is talking about how fast I am!

Poor choice of words, Shinobi.

Sorry.(long pause) What are you thinking, Hog?

Know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that back then you and I were the kings of consoles, Shinobi. The emperors of entertainment. The lords of...

What about me?

First of all, you fucked up the alliteration and assonance, R.O.B. Third of all, you are not even a video game character. You were never the on-screen character in Gyromite. Know what your legacy is? Pressing the A-button! Oooh!

That and, how do you say-

Don't, R.O.B.-

I came with the Nintendo Entertainment System along with Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. Nobody remembers that, right, Sonic the Has-Been?

Are you trying to push my buttons S.L.O.B.? How quaint!

(Enter Mario)

Shit guys, don't look. Mario's here.

It's me, Mario!

Well if it isn't the missing Village Person with the mustache and the plumber's costume. The gay bar's across the street, Mari.


Please, I understand the animosity. I'm not here to match wits. I have a business proposal for you and Shinobi.

If it involves farting flames with your mushroom-popping loser of a brother, I'm on sabbatical.

Look, it's no secret that retro games are hot. I want to include you and Shinobi on Wii's Virtual Console

Great idea Mario. You and me together again like in the NES days! I always figured the Wii was missing a nunchuck-wielding robot. Sign me up!

Uh, sorry , no one told him I guess?

Allow me. The Wiimote is about more than just tapping buttons. It's about movement and... speed! Sign me and Shinobi up Mario.

But what about me?


Since no one trusts me behind the nuclear button, I have hired a robot to do that job for me. Please welcome my new Secretary of Defense, Robotic Operating Buddy, or as I call him, Gyro. Heh heh.

No comments: