Funniest Post on this Blog for '06: Hot Rock Genres

If every post was funny, I wouldn't feel the need to give such a seemingly conceited award. But I have had whole weeks where I was not only unfunny but I didn't even try. You wonder why comedians rarely update their blogs? They save their best shit for the stage anyway. Even the posts that were funny on this blog started out serious. But like I said, I've had a good year. I'm on the blog rolls for all the major alternative comedy blogs. Some of the biggest music bloggers have linked to my stuff. Vh-1's Best Week Ever has linked to me(I'm "one taker" in this link) twice.

Here is the best blog post I've written all year. I get a lot of my best material on and offstage ranting like a music geek. Not the cool High Fidelity indie snob variety but the slack-jawed ne'er do-well flushing the jazz section at FYE. Reading Billboard, I got mad at the quality of music that made the modern rock charts. Thus I got to typing and penned this vitriolic missive about the sorry state of popular rock.

Enjoy Hot Rock Genres and have a happy new year. Let's hope Carson Daly uses the five point palm exploding heart technique on Ryan Seacrest.


Previous Posts:

Funniest Song of '06: Kramer Rap

Funniest Viral Video of '06: Crying Wrestling Fan

Funniest Movie of '06: Idiocracy

Funniest Show: 30 Rock

Funniest Stand-Up Comedian: Louis CK

Funniest Sketch Group: Olde English

Funniest Website: Diesel Sweeties

Funniest Website of '06: Diesel Sweeties

Ze Frank would have won but he's occasionally serious. Any comedian would have won, but they do not consistently update their pages. College Humor is awesome but occasionally lapses into predictable frat boy/meathead premises for their articles (Top Ten Things to Say to a Girl Who Caught You Slippin' Her a Roofie, etc.) No, I need the robot/goth/metalhead/indie snob/furrie webcomic soap opera to force those Chinese schoolgirl giggles out of me.



Like Seinfeld, Diesel Sweeties is about everything and nothing. There is a serial narrative, but I started reading it long after the first page. I put up an older comic below to give you guys a sample of the funniest website of the year. Yes, you are wasting time reading my blog.

Funniest Sketch Comedy Group of '06: Olde English

Not only for Ben Takes a Photo of Himself Every Day



but for this classic



These guys had the best success story: doing a sketch a day on their website, having "Brian Takes..." go viral and getting their own UCB show. I just hope we see some more new sketches in 2007.

Funniest Stand-Up Comedian of 2006: Louis CK

For the show "Lucky Louie." For the podcast. For his popularity in "cringe humor" circles as well as alternative comedy circles. No other comedian gets this much respect in pop and indie circles. He's like the Justin Timberlake of comedy. Also the scandal that brought about Dane Cook's downfall. Yes Dane, he who lives by the web (MySpace) dies by the web (A Special Thing). Of course Louis CK also has jokes. But the number one reason why he's the comedian of the year is his pathological incapability to give a fuck. Here's Louis CK from Comic Relief. Yes, he has done more for Katrina than FEMA has.

Funniest Show of '06: "30 Rock"

My brain says "Colbert Report," my heart says "Lucky Louie" but my split-open sides and my slapped-out knees say "30 Rock." Entering the NBC fall schedule in the wake of that wooden Aaron Sorkin monstrosity "Studio 60," Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan became this year's most hilarious grotesques of vanity and insanity leading to much hilarity in this SNL parody. Did I already use hilarity?


Think peacock!

Funniest Movie of '06: "Little Miss Sunshine"

I know, I am committing heresy. I'm supposed to choose "Borat." A few things:

a) "Borat" loses momentum in the third act; "Little Miss Sunshine" gets funnier and funnier
b) LMS is like an indie version of "National Lampoon's Vacation"
c) Steve Carell, not Sacha Baron Cohen, is the finest comic actor of the decade
d) Greg Kinnear is the most underrated comic actor of this generation



UPDATE: Idiocracy is the funniest film.

Fuck You, I Am the Man of the Year

Frank Rich and George Will have a problem with Time magazine's cover. The one that says "You" are the person of the year. I can see why. It is a little desperate. But I resent that they argue, as Brian Williams does in that same PotY issue, that New Media/Web 2.0 is all about self-absorbed brats who want to talk about their lives. Are you fucking kidding me? People still think that all blogs are personal? That all YouTubes are like Loonygirl15? That there are no blogs or YouTubes that talk about Iraq?!!! Have we heard of political bloggers or military bloggers? Did we not see war footage on YouTube yet Frank? We know you are important, but reread your fucking editor's notes every now and again. Unfucking real.

I am especially pissed off because I never write about my personal accomplishments on this blog. And believe me there are many. I could have written about:

* the time I saved the kitten stuck in the space elevator
* the time I saved Tyco Brahe's corpse from Opie and Anthony


Hey, put that mustache down!

* the time I did a stand-up comedy gig at Bumbershoot, put it on YouTube and ended the war between Israel and Lebanon

* the time I taped "Veronica Mars" for my parents

But I never write about these things on my blog. Instead, I selflessly put aside these small but precious victories and herald the arrival of things bigger than me like puppet chic and insurance rap. So, yes, I, Mo Exclamation Point, am the man of the year. I would love to write a long thank-you list, but I see a couple of shock jocks fondling Nicolaus Copernicus.


This year man of the year, next year sexiest man alive!

Funniest Viral Video of '06: Crying Wrestling Fan

Again "Dick in a Box" lost because it didn't have that schadenfreude. And that, my friends, is the secret ingredient of a viral video. I mean, why else is Star Wars Kid more popular than a Paris Hilton porno tape? So, despite the fact that my girlfriend feels sorry for him, I never stop laughing at that loss of WWF innocence. Listen for that twangy wrestler's consolation: "Take it easy, man."

Funniest Song of '06: Kramer Rap

I have seen the future of musical comedy and it is the mash-up. For years musical comedians have either written parodies or original songs. But if there is one thing that web surfers love, it's schadenfreude.



Surfers hate schadenfreude

With the mash-up, the most embarrassing moments are galvanized into crunktastic gold. And is anything more ironic than a rap song sung by a man who rants against blacks? "Dick in a Box" is funny as well, but "dick" is not the taboo word on the web. Thus I doff my fictional hat


Fictional Hat

to the Kramer Rap gang.

Top Comedy Podcasts on Digg

While I was away, I caught Digg's new podcast section. Here are the top ten comedy podcasts.

1)Tiki Bar TV

2)Strong Bad Emails

3)The Onion Radio News

4)Ask A Ninja

5) Keith and The Girl

6) French Maid TV

7) The Show with Ze Frank

8) The Ricky Gervais Show

9) Nobody Likes Onions

10) Happy Tree Friends

Commentary: First of all, the number one comedy podcast has 2790 diggs. Number ten has 310. That's a 2480 digg drop man. Indeed I think it's important to look at who is in the Digg Thousandaire club. Tiki Bar, Strong Bad and The Onion are. So mixed drink sketch comedy, surreal cartoon comedy and fake news comedy take the cake. How does stand-up fare? Not bad. Keith and the Girl often has guests like Liam Mcaneany and Greg Giraldo.

But do stand-ups have their own popular podcast? Depends. #17 is Comedy Central stand-up video. Within that podcast the most dugg episode is the Christian Finnegan one. But that's a one minute clip. The biggest, at number 21, is Jimmy Pardo's Never Not Funny.

OK this is boring. Let me look at the music podcasts and make fun of the hipsters. The biggest indie podcast on Digg (Paste Culture Club) is at number 25. This is the web, where every blog never fails to remind you how every breath you draw is false because you haven't heard the latest TV on the Radio album yet. But that's just it: Digg hates bloggers. Even the blog posts that make the front page have one comment about how bloggers are stupid. Of course, in Hipsterburg, blogs course through the sickly veins of all the pale indie fans. Word to the wise: if you are a hipster comic or critic, get your podcast the fuck away from Digg. Still not convinced? The Burg (a show I actually like) has two (2) fucking Diggs! Perhaps hipster comedy isn't so hot on Digg either. Yes, I'm gonna break it to you hipsters: nerds with tape on their glasses and halitosis in their crusty mouths are more popular than you are. People would literally rather watch an iPod in a blender than watch that cell phone video of My Morning Jacket at Lollapalooza.

And they find this show funnier than The Burg.


Tiki Bar TV

Ghost of Christmas Videos Past: Springsteen/E Street/Weinberg 7/Conan O' Brien, "Merry Christmas Baby"

I'm taking off until the day after Christmas. Happy holidays.

Ghost of Christmas Videos Past: The Kinks, "Father Christmas"

1977 was the year the Sex Pistols released "Anarchy in the UK." Ever since the song has been on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4, "Anarchy" - along with punk rock - has lost its edge tremendously. Jazz is no longer hip, punk no longer dangerous.

So in retrospect Hall and Oates's "Rich Girl" and The Kinks' "Father Christmas" (both from 1977) are two of the most acid-tongued songs in pop history.




Like "Rich Girl," "Father Christmas" is less about class war and more about class resentment. The snide remark "Give all the toys to the little rich boys" packs more of a wallop than "I wanna destroy passersby" ever will. Above all, even the rich college students or hipsters can relate to the chorus: "Father Christmas, give us some money." Read: Mom and Dad, gimme me money so I can go get fucked up with my friends the day after Christmas.

Flickeur: Funnier Than Anything on YouTube

Sometimes artists are actually funnier than comedians. Flickeur for instance. Flickeur makes a moving slide show of random Flickr images and types the day and time underneath each moving image as if it were a suspense thriller. The soundtrack is so ominous but it's hilarious when used to score the image of, say, a dining room table.



You thought it was brisket...


via Rhizome

Ghost of Christmas Videos Past: Run DMC, "Christmas in Hollis"

Yes there was a time when rap songs told stories. But the catalogs were most important.

It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens
Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens
Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese
And Santa put gifts under Christmas trees
Decorate the house with lights at night
Snow's on the ground, snow white so bright
In the fireplace is the yule log
Beneath the mistletoe as we drink eggnog
The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's
But each and every year we bust Christmas carols

Plus this song was in Die Hard.



PS: I want that elf's Simon-like control panel soo bad for Xmas.

Hey Pauly Shore and Michael Richards

You're not Andy Kaufman. For those who don't know, Pauly Shore got punched by a "heckler."



Guess what? It's fake. Who pretended to confront hecklers? Andy Kaufman. But Pauly's not the only Kaufman biter: Michael Richards, a friend of Kaufman's, was obviously trying to antagonize the audience Kaufman style. Kaufman, like the Beatles, were revolutionary artists that spawned the awful genres of art-comedy and art-rock respectively. Pioneers open the gates for opportunistic hacks. Psychedelia begets art rock, punk rock gives birth to mall punk and yes, one day, all comedy shows will become festering sores all over the cityscape full of talentless "performance artists." Andy Kaufman was the first of his kind and the last. So for the few earnest artists left who want to prevent their seemingly inevitable descent into Kaufmania, here's a list of do's and don'ts so you can be a respectable comedian not a washed-up hack relying on confrontational (read: desperate) gimmicks.

Do: Have a character. Richard Pryor and Peter Sellers had characters.

Don't: Act as if the character is not really a character. Even Sacha Baron Cohen puts his name in the credits. Please don't answer your phone as "Manifred Chesterton, Peoria's #1 Evangelical Pet Psychic."

Do: Innovative crowd work. I agree, sometimes stand-up feels like the least funny thing in the universe and you need to resort to non sequiturs and anti-humor to cleanse the palette.

Don't: Yell at the audience or, perhaps worse, pretend to fight the audience. This isn't the seventies, when most people predicted we would be talking into radio wristwatches. We have cell phone cameras and Google caches. Believe me, the audience will know if it's a prank.

Do: Performance art, as long as it's funny. Just remember: everything is art, but not everything is funny.


Don't: Suddenly "take an interest" in "performance art" eight years after your last hit show or film. We have enough trouble imagining you in a different Hollywood role, why would we possibly think you are the second coming of Vito Acconci?



Do: Be yourself.

Don't: Be Andy Kaufman. Or Tony Clifton. Or Pauly Shore. Or Michael Richards. Or Vito Acconci.

Ghost of Christmas Videos Past: Pretenders, "2000 Miles"

I'm going to be shopping/working very hard this week. I know, we had a gangbusters first year, ending up on the blogroll of TSOYA, Baron Vaughn, Giulia Rozzi, Carolyn Castiglia, Susie Felber, Dead Frog, The Apiary, Fast Hugs, Sammy Ray and Passion of the Weiss. But unlike group blogs like Gawker or Boing Boing, I am but one man and, yes it upsets me but I can't surf the web as much as I do during the non-holiday season.

But don't my blog readers deserve gifts? Of course. Here is a classic from the hippest era of Christmas music: the '80's. This one gets me because, unlike all the other festive lounge lizard ditties, "2000 Miles" is plaintive and lovely. It's like the "Sweet Jane" of Christmas songs (Cowboy Junkies steez).





Now if you want people to get you this song for Christmas make sure they don't get you the cheap Coldplay knock-off. You'll find a better imitation in Chinatown. While you're in Chinatown, go to an opium den and crank this on your iPod.

I'm a Member of the MTV Generation?

I thought I was a member of Generation X, but according to the infallible consensus that governs Wikipedia, if you were born between 1975-1984 in America, you're a member of the MTV Generation. That explains why I keep posting music videos on my blog. The Lost Generation had The Sun Also Rises, we'll always have this:

Hey Sony

Stop trying to give us next-gen video formats. Betamax was a nightmare and according to this Dark Horizons article Blu-Ray is the next video format to go kerplunk. All because it was included with the PS3. Sony assumed that using their PS3 as a Trojan Horse for the digital video pestilence that is Blu Ray would be a sharp idea. Nevermind the fact that, uh, PCs, digital recorders, laptops and all other video game systems play DVDs. Did you really expect a nation to become early adopters so soon? Especially when the competing format is called HD-DVD? Do you think an Amsterdam resident would move to New Amsterdam or Red Grass? Nevermind.

Maybe Sony needs to put their video formats on the Surreal Life.

Betamax: Ooh, you like hot tubs, huh?
Vanity: Yes, but - wait-I'm born-again! Oh what the hell, let's go.
Betamax: Best part: I can get it all on tape-(sobs uncontrollably, runs away)

(cut to Vanity confessional segment)

Vanity: I was sooo boored. Until YouTube showed up.

Freakypedia

Remember this lame-o?



Now imagine this guy finding the following on Wikipedia and dying of cardiac arrest. Only true nerds need to look this stuff up.

Circle Jerk

A circle jerk usually refers to a group of boys or men masturbating together. The participants may or may not masturbate each other.

Sometimes this may be in the form of a game.

Dildo History

Dildos in one form or another have likely been present in society throughout history. Artifacts from the Upper Paleolithic which have previously been described as batons were most likely used for sexual purposes (Marshack 1972: 333; Vasey 1998: 420). However, there appears to be hesitation on the part of archaeologists to label these items as sex toys, as one archaeologist put it "Looking at the size, shape, and — some cases — explicit symbolism of the ice age batons, it seems disingenuous to avoid the most obvious and straightforward interpretation.

69 (sex position)


The sexual position 69, also known as soixante-neuf (taken from the French for the number), is one of the most commonly known sexual positions. In this position, two people orient themselves such that each person's mouth is near the other's genitals so that they can simultaneously perform oral sex on each other.[1] This can be done lying down, one on top of the other or side by side, or alternatively, one partner can stand while holding the other upside down.





I Promise We'll Never Eat Here Again, Honey

Notable Appearances of the Shocker

In the last episode of Sealab 2021 the commercials on the program that satirize the restaurant chain Applebees with Grizzlebees features an entrée called "The Shocker" which features, among other ingredients, sausages sticking out of bread obviously aligned to resemble the hand gesture. The commercial ends with the catchphrase, "You might have to talk her into it."

Vanity (performer)

Matthews appeared in B-movies such as Tanya's Island and Terror Train. In 1982 she met Prince who re-named her Vanity (saying he saw his female reflection when he looked at her) and she became the lead singer of singing group, Vanity 6, that same year. Prince produced the group's biggest hit "Nasty Girl". Their trademark was explicit sexuality in their lyrics, performances and attire. After one album, Vanity decided to leave her role in Vanity 6 and the proposed film Purple Rain in 1983. Vanity signed a lucrative record deal with Motown Records in 1984. She recorded two albums Wild Animal and Skin On Skin. She also starred in a handful of movies, including The Last Dragon, Action Jackson, and played a villain torturing Nancy Allen's character in 1990's amnesia-plot TV movie Memories of Murder (the film has appeared on the Lifetime channel). She posed for Playboy in 1988.

Jack vs. Jack (Or, "Lost" vs. "24")

inspired by PotW's comparison of Back to the Future vs. Bill and Ted's

Look there are many good shows out there ("Weeds," "Veronica Mars," "Daily Show") but none are quiet as addicting as "Lost" and "24." Both are serial dramas for the post 9/11 age. Indeed, I would rather watch one episode of these Emmy-award winning dramas than one Best Picture-Oscar-winning film from this decade (A Beautiful Mind? Are bimbos naming movies nowadays?). But after vacillating for too long I have decided to make this point by point list that answers once and for all: which show is better?

Better Hero



Dr. Jack Shepard, "Lost": Yes, Jack is the hero of the show. When everyone is in trouble they look to Jack. Jack will most likely get his fellow prisoners off the Alcatraz they are currently stuck in. Plus thus far Jack has kicked the most Other ass.

Look, I am the last person who wants to bash Jack. I am a Jater, not a Skater. But one of the necessary requirements of a modern hero is that he's an anti-hero. If we know anything about Dr. Jack Shepard, we know that he's a crybaby goodie two shoes. You wonder why Kate ends up with Sawyer, Jack? Because you're too busy having those godawful flashbacks about Doctor Daddy Jack. My advice: stick yourself in the prison x-ray machine and give yourself some radioactive super powers. I'm still rooting for you doc, but why does it take you so long to punch two people? Woody Harrelson's more of a badass than you.

Jack Bauer, "24":



Better than all of the mutants on "Heroes" combined. Unlike most TV protagonists, Jack Bauer reminds us of such heroes from the Golden Age of Marvel as Spider Man and The Hulk. Much like our favorite webslinger and green giant, Bauer has hidden from the cops and the feds as well as from the terrorists.

But the most immediate reason why Bauer is better than Shepard is the way he says "dammit." Sutherland's apoplectic, guttural "dammit" is especially awe-inspiring when compared to Fox's mousy, spoiled brat "dammit." It sounds like Fox is saying "dammit" because he has to take time out from "Lost" to film a homoerotic pigskin flick with Matthew "It Ain't a Thing But a Chicken Wing, M'man" McConaughey.


Winner: Jack Bauer, "24"

Better Theme Song

"Lost": Both shows have very avant-garde theme songs. This one has a discordant, hollow noise.

"24": Those who don't watch the DVDs think the theme song of "24" is that beeping clock. Beep-beep-beepbeepbeepbeepbeep.

Winner: "24." "Lost" gives us enough mysteries; they could at least tell us what the hell that noise is when the title pops up after the cold open.

Better Character Development

"Lost": This is one of the reasons I love the show. Sometimes the character involvement is so great I find myself asking dumb questions like "What does Locke eat when he's stoned: Count Chocula or Franken Berry?"

"24": All I know about Jack Bauer is he kicks ass; even heroin's ass.



Winner: "Lost"

Better Depiction of Arabs

"Lost": Let me give full disclosure: I am an Arab-American. In a time when my people are stereotyped as cabbies or terrorists, it feels great watching Sayid tap that white ass.



"24": So far "24" has the lead in this point-by-point comparison but a black eye for the show's history will always be the hysterical beginning to season five, with the shady Arab-American family. The laugh-out-loud funniest part is when Behrooz nonchalantly drags his white girlfriend's corpse to the basement. Rumor has it, they were originally gonna kill his girlfriend off by making her choke on Behrooz's stinky, long pubic hairs while he eats a falafel at a gas station.

Winner: "Lost"

Better Comic Relief





Hugo "Hurley" Reyes, "Lost": Both shows have very subtle comic performances. Indeed, the only reason I would even hesitate to say that Hurley is better than Chloe is because he does say "dude" a few too many times.





Chloe O'Brian, "24": Chloe is the cranky, visibly irritated worker drone in all of us. This is an even better quality when she rolls her eyes at an order from Karen Hayes. Plus actress Mary Lynn Rajskub was previously on "Mr. Show."

Winner: Chloe, "24"

Better Junkie

Charlie Pace, "Lost": We could have gotten answers from one of the Others through interrogation, but that shrill wastrel Charlie had to shoot Ethan. Thanks to Charlie, a nation had to wait until season two for the few cryptic answers we got from another member of the Others, Ben. If that's not enough, he pokes his annoying Monaghanose into every mission that has nothing to do with him. Locke and Eko are saints for not smashing a coconut on his head. If I were in charge, I would have Charlie walk in front of me at all times in case there's a booby trap ahead.


No Charlie, we really made a bet - leader of the pack gets the smack.

Jack Bauer, "24": Bullets can't do it. Bombs can't do it. Palmer's death can't do it. Only the brown horse can make Jack Bauer bawl like a Justin Timberlake fan. This, my friends, is the face of addiction. This is acting. (starts at 0:40)



Winner: Jack Bauer, "24" by a landslide. A vicious, soul-crushing landslide.

Better Twists

"Lost": Shows like "Heroes" brag that questions are answered in the next episode. Good, but the writers also have smaller questions to answer like "Did the Vegas stripper shoot the black guy?" True, "Lost" is notorious for stringing viewers along, but when the twists do come (the superpowers from the implosion, a regular suburb on "the island") nobody sees it coming. Except Desmond.

"24": Yes the beginning of season five was ridiculously politically incorrect, but on the flip side, political correctness prevents the show from having all non-white villains, meaning every season they try to make you believe the enemy is abroad when it's really within. Cool, but predictable. They should just come out and say who's the mole in CTU and the White House. If you see a shady or flaky white guy in the White House or CTU, you best believe that he's one of the baddies and the A-rab works for him, not the other way around.




Did you really not know he's the bad guy?

Winner: "Lost"

More Relevant to the Times

"Lost": Both "24" and "Lost" are post-9/11 parables. "Lost" has a plane crash that forces the survivors to unite. Just like "Star Trek" is a relic of the Kennedyian progressivism and the push for racial equality that the '60's will always be remembered for, the multicultural cast and the cooperative nature of "Lost" is analogous to how Americans came together after the attacks. The Sayid-Shannon kiss is the new Kirk-Uhuru kiss.



We All Everybody

"Lost" will also be remembered as the show with the more nuanced take on torture. Sayid insists on torturing the Others to get answers, thus taking the question of detainee torture outside of the PC academic ghetto it's usually stuck in and bringing it right into the prime-time living room. Watching all those prisoners get tortured by the Others makes Jack's mutiny in the last episode that much sweeter.


"24":

"24" is about terrorism, thus it's a very relevant show. The President is a perfidious traitor (season 5), a military-industrial complex wants us to go to war under false pretenses (season 2).

"24" should be the clear winner, but some very false notes prove to be major hindrances. First of all, unlike "Lost," "24" sometimes seems like a mouthpiece for Rupert Murdoch. Which isn't a bad thing per se, but in season four, detainee torture is dealt with for ten minutes in one episode. Basically, the message was "Waah, you want a lawyer to protect civil rights? Boo-fucking-hoo. This is Fox, bitch!" If this episode had a title (as opposed to the time of day) it would be called "Veto This, John McCain!"

Besides its simplistic perspective on torture, "24" also has season three, or as I call it, "Reefer Madness Season." Yes, Mexican drug lords are terrorists capable of unleashing the TortillaCordilla virus. Remember that when you puff that demon weed, kiddies!

Winner: "Lost"

Better Sex Appeal

"Lost": Kate's dimples and smile remind me of my girlfriend's. Plus Sun is the hottest Asian female since Zhang Ziyi.





Look, Kate's on top of Sun.

"24:" "24" would have won this one hands down (in my pants. Ow!). Elisha Cuthbert's caterpillar eyebrows alone are hotter than all the women on "Lost" combined. But Ms. Cuthbert was too good for "24" and had bigger projects on the horizon like House of Wax.



What was I saying? Oh yeah, without Kim Bauer and Edgar Stiles, "24" has no sex appeal.

Winner: "Lost"


Overall Winner (not by much): "Lost"


"24" needs better plot twists and more sex appeal to beat "Lost." All "Lost" needs to do is kill off Charlie. In February.

Soundtrack to Mo the Mo!vie

via TAN

IF YOUR LIFE WERE A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: "Know Your Onion!," The Shins
Waking up: "It's a Hit," Rilo Kiley
First Day at School: "Ignition," Superwolf
Falling in Love: "One is the Loneliest Number," Three Dog Night
Fight Song: "Love and Happiness," Al Green
Breaking Up: "Bucky Little Wing," Islands
Prom: "AA XXX," Peaches
Life: "Caravan," Van Morrison
Mental Breakdown: "Suspicious Minds," Elvis Presley
Driving: "Forest Families," The Knife
Flashback: "Deceptacon (DFA remix)," Le Tigre
Wedding: "When the Night Comes," Joe Cocker
Birth of a Child: "Twisting the Night Away," Sam Cooke
Final Battle: "Who's Got the Crack," The Moldy Peaches
Death Scene: "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car," Billy Ocean
Funeral Scene: "Girl Inform Me," The Shins
End Credits: "Save Me," Aimee Mann

So this is the story of my life according to the soundtrack:

From the opening credits, we know I'm a nerd who's "allergic to love." My wake-up song continues the loser theme ("Any chimp can play human for a day"). First day at school everyone is making out. But when the girl I love walks past me in the halls, she rejects me at first ("No is the saddest experience you'll ever know"). It's not until I beat up her emo trash boyfriend (the horns toward the end of "Love and Happiness" would make for incredible Vegas style boxing music) that she loves me. A day later we break up. My girl and I go to the sexy hipster prom with separate dates. A very strange XXX theme. Post-prom there's a montage of all the characters having fun and listening to the radio, getting down "to what is really wrong." Away from my ex-girlfriend, I have a mental breakdown in Vegas while "Suspicious Minds" is playing. This leads to a rant during my stand-up routine: "He's a cheater. Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down from the top of a hotel." I drive off in anger from Vegas to NY with the throbbing synth pop of The Knife in the background. I see my girl and we flash back to the good ole Williamsburg days when DFA was relevant. We have a very ironic wedding song (Joe Cocker! Ha!) We are excited about our baby as we twist the night away. Speaking of twists, here's a twist: we smoke crack and have a "final battle" over it. She owns the crack and the baby in crack court. So I wander the streets as a tranny hooker and a trick pulls up blasting "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car." Turns out it's undercover cops who shoot me At my funeral, the song "Girl Inform Me," is cruelly ironic since I'm buried as a tranny. The undercover cop who shot me kisses my crackhead girlfriend in an ending that is a blatant rip off of PT Anderson's "Magnolia" which has a coke-addicted lady date a cop with the same exact song playing in the end credits.

OMG, I Love Racism Too!

OMG, I want us to be BFF. Sarah Silverman like totally read my mind in the NY Times. Check it:

The whole incident, she said, reminded her of Mel Gibson’s drunken anti-Semitic tirade in Malibu earlier this year. In a good way. “When I heard Mel Gibson had said that stuff, I was happy,” Ms. Silverman said. “Jews love real anti-Semitism because it’s something you can point to to show it’s real. It’s not just gas in the air.”

Right on. I personally love when my Arab peoples are mercilessly mocked on stage by comics and they still have their own Comedy Central show.



That's how we play the game, baby -- the "crying game."

REMEMBRANCE OF VIDEOS PAST #36

By Far the Funniest Rap Song of the Year

The Costanza part alone is brilliant. Excellent mash-up.

NSFW

Chris Daughtry: Top Rock Album

On Billboard. Punchline: a Beatles compilation is at #2. Chris Daughtry, for those who don't know, was the bald rocker dude from American Idol. The man who did this dreaful cover of Live's version of Johnny Cash's "Walk the Line." Confused? He took a gem covered in shit already and pissed all over it. That gem is rock and roll.

Christopher Guest, I'm sorry, but Spinal Tap will never match the complete lack of self-consciousness and conviction in this video. It's like Barry Manilow is training him as his apprentice in suck and roll, honing this craptastically overwrought performance.

Remembrance of Videos Past #35: Belly, "Feed the Tree (Live on Letterman)"

Two funny things:

a)Though I am loathe to admit this, back then I thought this song was too wussy. As a sixteen year old who got excited about Body Count and the LA riots, I scoffed at pretty alternative pop like this Tanya Donnely-penned classic from 1992.

b) Letterman holds up a longbox.

Remembrance of Videos Past #34: Bryan Adams, "There Will Never Be Another Tonight"

After testing the waters, I see that music videos are still on YouTube. So I'm bringing this feature back.

I wish I had a more entertaining memory of this song but all I remember is being sixteen years old waiting for my mom and stepdad in the rental car with my grandma outside a Publix in Orlando, Florida.

Hippies vs. Hipsters

Hippies smelled bad, smoked dope and had nasty "free love." But at least they protested in the streets. What will protests do, you ask?

I confess I'm not sure but it's got to be better than what the hipsters are doing. Recap: Iraq is not as bad as Vietnam, but America is more fascist now than it was in the '60s. OK there was that whole civil rights thing. In fairness this fascism is less racist than that of the '60s. Americans of all religions and races are under scrutiny.

Once again, what are the hipsters doing? At best they are watching documentaries, bitching about copyright law on their blogs and making networked psychogeographical performances. Most of them are rolling their eyes at the fact that you just started liking Regina Spektor.


Always One FascistFoot on the Ground

Look, apathy is sooo '90s. Let's at least pretend we care about American fascism. Cuz right now hippies look cooler than you, hipsters. Observe:

Hippies



Hipsters




Voice of the Hippies



Voice of the Hipsters



Hippie Accomplishments

Civil rights
Women's rights
Gay rights

Hipster Accomplishments

Well, they did play Regina Spektor on "Veronica Mars."

Hey Veronica Mars

Stop meeting new people and taking GHB. Not only does the new theme song suck major Dick Casablancas, but the show sucks. You worked with a great ensemble (Logan, Wallace, Weevil, Duncan Kane, Mac, your dad). Now you have all these new distractions like Piz.

Yes his name is Piz.


You Sure You Can't Snap a Piz's Neck and Get Candy?


And then we have that newspaper editor, Nish (is Rob Thomas running out of names? I don't think there's a Steve on "Veronica Mars"). I am a freelance contributor for mystery I'mnottelling newspaper and I promise no editor talks like that.


Nish? C'mon Now, Sugar.

Besides Veronica, aren't you in college? Smoke some grass. Maybe have an opium dream and solve crime like Johnny Depp in that shitty Alan Moore adaptation . Or make out with Ms. Napoleon Dynamite.


Sweet!

But do something radically different from what you've been doing. You can't pass/no credit a TV show.

Hey Poetry

Stay dead. Adrienne Rich has written a dull essay on how we need poetry.



She quotes Shelley's "Defence of Poetry," natch. Shelley also said:

To what but a cultivation of the mechanical arts in a degree disproportioned to the presence of the creative faculty, which is the basis of all knowledge, is to be attributed the abuse of all invention for abridging and combining labor, to the exasperation of the inequality of mankind?

Short of it: the more technology, the less poetry. Never mind that there is probably more poetry online for the world to read. But Rich doesn't take this into account. She doesn't even talk about Def Comedy Jam. Noooo, she is talking about snooty academic poetry.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe poetry is, how do you say, too fucking elitist? Even artists are having fun with video games. I have actually spent time with poets. I was a TA for a poetry professor (redundant, wouldn't you say) and you know what these professors poets do for fun? They have wine and cheese parties.

But I'm not asking you to drop the pinot, babe. Truth is, though there are many poems online, there are more blogs. And deep down inside, we all know that, for the past forty years, the majority of poems have been written by frustrated teenagers. So are LiveJournals. If blogging has killed print, it has cremated poetry and flushed it down the public university toilet.





LiveJournal Killed the Poetry Star

Perhaps it's impossible that modern poetry sucks right? Here's a sample of spoken word.




I'm sorry, I keep zoning that guy out. Can anyone in the comments tell me what that beatprik is saying?



via Largehearted Boy

PS: Those who say "But what about hip hop" need to stop listening to Jay Z and start listening to Nas.

Film Director Robert Altman Dead

I had a film director phase that lasted from 1997 till 2002, when I visited LA and realized it was every bit the disgusting Philip Marlowe novel it looked like in Altman's The Long Goodbye. The reason I wanted to be a filmmaker was Altman. Every home video I shot was full of his trademark zooms.

Robert Altman? Here's his wikipedia entry. But here's what that entry won't tell you.

Altman was perhaps Pauline Kael's favorite American director.

MASH was better than Dr. Strangelove as an anti-war satire.

Brewster McCloud is in The Hipster Handbook

Nashville is big in the alt-country community.

Watching his films will change your life. Right now you live your life like a regular movie in which you are the central protagonist and only conflicts pertaining to you matter. In Altman's films there's always an ensemble and the camera picks up overheard, improvised dialogue. Look at life as a series of conversational snippets. Indeed, this is the only way we can make sense of all that information on the web.

Here's a trailer for Altman's Nashville.

Robert Altman (February 20, 1925-November 20, 2006)

Hey Douchebag

Don't quit your day job.

Hey MySpace

We gotta talk. I don't know how to say this...I think we need a break from each other. I remember the old days when we would go out and meet new bands, laugh at everyone else's ugly HTML design, check out a few comedians. Now all you do is whine about how you want me to check your sexy webcam. That and you keep wanting to drag me to all these shitty concerts from that ironic horror rap/metal band GraveBangers. No more event invitations please. We don't even talk anymore.

OK, I'm gonna have to go there and just say what we've all been saying: you're ugly. Do you know how much you fuck with my optic nerve when the words move and the background doesn't?


I know you're sad but I'm sure you'll find a shirtless guy showing pictures of himself drinking to make you happy. You got to admit though we need a break. I need my space.

Just When Alternative Comedy Couldn't Get Any Artsier

They went and got a mime. A fucking mime.



Like the mime, I'm speechless.

Hey SuFi Heads

Fuck you. With a single middle finger. The analog finger. The antiquated 20th century finger. Even Bush isn't so stupid that he gives a super middle finger in honor of Admiral HackyYukYuk Dane Cook.




Dane Cook is like Jimmy Buffet with his loyal armada of parrotheads. But these SuFi heads are worse because they represent the culmination of the worst contribution of frat boys to comedy: beating a dead horse quicker than a date rape charge.

Remember when "I'm Rick James bitch" was actually funny? Neither do I. Borat is currently going through the fraternization process.

I like.
Very nice.
Wa wa wee wa.

So what if the frat boys are suing? The meatheads of the world will still make sure that every city runneth over with the sound of awful Kazakh accents. But the SuFi is worse because it is an imbecilic mutation of a previously timeless obscene gesture. Of course nobody actually has the intestinal fortitude to use this advanced bird in an actual confrontation. Who wouldn't make fun of such a chromosomally damaged specimen? It's a private joke for the Dane Cook fan club.

"Hey SuFi."
"SuFi to you kind sir. Lord Bertram Cockenberry III of Nottingham, I do presume?"

Just like hippies still follow the Dead, I predict that these SuFiheads will be all over the boardwalk of Atlantic City twenty years from now when Dane Cook does a show at Tropicana. Unless of course they're SuFickle.

Japanese: Funny Without Trying (Part II)

Only the Japanese would make a hamburger in honor of a legend from the halcyon days of K records twee pop. Introducing the Daniel Johnston Fried Egg Burger.



I'm glad they don't serve it with a Calvin Johnson milkshake.
.

What's With All the Awesome News?

Borat Goes #1

Britney Shows K-Thug the Door

Dems Kick Ass

Ronald Dumsfeld Resigns (LGF link just so I can soak in the shaudenfraude of the Fascist Youth crying for their dear leader's departure)

Hannah Montana Stops Barry Manilow From Reign of Terror


Apple Tells Mac-Man "Game Over"


Download Movies, Contra on Xbox 360

The Who Back in the Top Ten


This last bit of news is particularly awe-inspiring in light of the fact that this band wrote and performed "Won't Get Fooled Again." Up until today, the song has been resurrected as the theme for the inexplicably successful David Caruso vehicle "CSI: Miami." With Rummy out of the White House and the people taking to the polls to show Bush the middle finger




this song is more relevant than ever.

I'll tip my hat to the new Constitution indeed.

What Beirut and Borat Have in Common

Besides awesomeness? "Borat" is one of the best films of the year and Beirut's "Elephant Gun" is one of my favorite songs of the year.

Today Miss Modernage revealed the hipster bohemian gypsy mindfuck of the fall season: "Siki Siki Baba" was in the "Borat" film as well as in this Beirut show at McCarren Pool this past summer. Unfortunately, Zach Condon is not as great a comic performer as Sacha Baron Cohen. Check out his abysmal Flava Flav imitation and see if you like.

"Freedom '90": The Unofficial Anthem of Idiots

The original George Michael video had supermodels.



This new BoingBoing-approved version has a bunch of uglier bimbos: Republicans.



Vote or else this will become the national anthem.

Germany to MySpace: Talk to Das Hand

MySpace is trying to launch French and German language versions of their social networking site. So far it's been a rocky road. One German explains:

People here think the design is bad and that is important for Germans.

Germans prefer a more pure, white design. Seriously, they have their own version of Facebook.

In Germany, MySpace must compete with Studivz.net, a site aimed at students that works much like the American site Facebook.

It's just like Facebook, except it's not owned by a Jew.

MySpace hopes to win hearts overseas - including the Germans - by promoting the music of each country.

Mr. DeWolfe agrees. “It’s important to have something that reflects the local culture,” he said. Many MySpace hallmarks will remain, like secret shows from bands with pages on the site. But they will feature local artists, selected by local employees.

This should be easy for Germany. Just give a "secret" show with these guys and MySpace will go gangbusters in Krautland.

I Wrong About Borat

Borat has shocked the nation not through its politically incorrect jest nor through its
overabundance of body hair, but by topping the box office charts.

Turns out I was wrong.



Perhaps if I continue making predictions they will all turn out wrong.

Expect the Republicans to hold on to Congress tomorrow night.
Also expect Bush to not be impeached after the Republicans win tomorrow's midterm elections.

Hey Tim Allen

Leave the comedy to Borat asshole.

Told you Borat wouldn't go number one twice before.

I hate being right.

via Defamer

Hey John Kerry

Leave the comedy to me fuckface.



Thanks for blowing another election Frankenstein. Did you always score one for the other team (the GOP)? Did you fucking give military secrets to the Viet Cong gossip columnists? Did you give your wife's parents a bottle of Hunt's ketchup as a housewarming gift? Did you thank Dr. Frankenstein for creating Dracula? Fucking droopy faced windsurfing shitbag.

I know, this is a red herring, blase blah. But this close to the election season, it's asinine. It's like Kerry gave Karl Rove a silver bullet when he was completely out of ammo. Goddamit now the GOP is gonna remain in Congress. Thanks a lot.

Might as well tell some more jokes while you're at it. I'll be your joke writer.

"How many troops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know the answer but it's definitely more than the troops we have now."

"What do you get when you cross a soldier and a terrorist? A doofus trying to figure out the connection between himself and Al Qaeda."

No you can't have these jokes, Ketchup Kennedy. I'm mocking your sense of humor. These jokes aren't funny and neither are you.

Maybe that's why Bush won -- because he's funnier than you.

Unfucking real.

Joke Jamming: How to Hijack Mass Media for Your Nefarious Comedic Enjoyment

Similar to culture jamming, joke jamming is when you take something that isn't meant to be funny and, by writing something funny about it on your blog post, turn it into a chuckle factory with cheap labor. The Daily Show probably started this trend, but their focus is news/politics.

Golden Fiddle links to this interview of Larry King interviewing Tom DeLonge (former lead singer of Blink 182), quoting Larry King's funny-on-too-many-levels query:

"Blink 182 - how did that happen?"



I would never watch an interview with either of these numbskulls and I really doubt Larry King wanted anyone to laugh at his interviewing style. But anybody can now appropriate shows, magazines, songs to their own comical ends.

Of course at times we look at shining examples of tough, muckracking, no-bullshit journalism that enriches our understanding of democracy. Examples like this outstanding Bill O'Reilly interview with President Bush.

At 1:58, Bill O'Reilly lets him have it.

"I've got 15 questions for ya. If they're dumb, tell me they're dumb."





A country in which the greatest mind of our nascent millennium can refuse to answer dumb questions? Habeas corpus, you have not died in vain!

What Manilow's Return Hath Wrought

As some of you know, Manilow's album was released yesterday. I predicted a comeback.



Whether he reached the summit or not, the album has brought the apocalypse.

* Global warming could bring Great depression (news of this comes the same day Manilow appears on Colbert)


* K-Fed's new album is released

* Bob Barker will retire

* YouTube is taking down Daily Show clips

* Lost is starting to suck

Happy All Saint's Day!!!!

Maniloween

I recently had a nightmare a few weeks ago that Barry Manilow made a comeback. I woke up in a cold sweat and asked my girlfriend if Barry Maniblow had recently made a comeback. She gave me a puzzled look and said "No baby, go back to sleep." I figured all was well and Manilow's success symbolized a repressed desire for my mother's death.


Now I hear that Barry Manilow's "The Greatest Songs Of The Sixties" will be released today on Halloween? And that it might top the charts? Must I rely on the power of prayer to prevent this tragedy from clouding up my crystal ball?

Stephen Colbert had a frightening premonition of Manilow's success as well.



The dark prince's return may be upon us.

The Killers: Red State Hipsters?

Just finished reading this great HuffPo article on the latent conservatism of The Killers (via Fluxblog).

Flowers is coming close to being Toby Keith in mascara, but I doubt he'll be singing about putting a Chelsea boot in anyone's ass soon. Rather, what he's selling is much more insidious: jingoism disguised as patriotism disguised as rock and roll. If he were one lone commenter in a sea of forgettable rock bands, it would be easy to write him off as slightly cranky and bombastic, but this man is at the top of the charts and has a huge teenage fan base. Musicians like Flowers and his ilk hold a tremendous amount of sway over their young followers.

Could this be the reason why Clear Channel-owned broadcast radio stations have promoted this band heavily but not Franz Ferdinand, a band The Killers have blatantly ripped off? On the blogosphere we know The Killers are crud because we can hear FranzFerd whenever we want to. But those who trust their car radios have been sheltered from leftie podcasts and mp3 blogs, exposed only to a GOP-friendly AM dial and "modern" rock stations that insidiously promote blind patriotism.

Only a conspiracy theory can explain the success of such a shitty band.

Japanese: Funny Without Trying

Maybe it's the Zen Buddhism, but Japanese are really funny without trying.

Por ejemplo, this Japanese sitcom about an American mannequin family (via sammyray)

Blogger Buzz Doesn't Mean Blockbuster Buzz

I said previously that the blogger buzz for Borat would yield similar results to the Soap phenomenon: blue-state bloggers' mouths (such as my own purty flycatcher) get frothy with excitement as red states that often don't get broadband internet access or even cable TV fail to see the hype.

Found this LA Times article (reg. required) via Dead Frog saying the following:

Surveys showed that moviegoers were largely unaware of "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan," despite well-publicized stunts by its star, Sacha Baron Cohen. His hype endeavors included drawing a crowd of journalists to the White House gates where the British comedian, in character as Borat Sagdiyev, asked to deliver a screening invitation to "Premier George Walter Bush."

"Our research showed it was soft in awareness," said Bruce Snyder, Fox's distribution chief.


Yes, the buzz is at its weakest outside of the big cities.

Fox has had trouble selling "Borat" outside of the big cities and college towns where Cohen's brand of politically incorrect satire has gathered legions of fans.


It seems like a smart move on Fox's part. As I previously stated:

a) many people in non-broadband areas missed the Borat YouTube videos
b) many in those areas don't get cable TV and are thus unable to watch "Da Ali G Show" on HBO
c) perhaps the few in flyover country who do know about Borat are as offended by the film as the Kazakhs are


But the gossip about Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn did make the print newspapers and magazines all across America, which might explain why The Break Up is thus far the top-grossing comedy of '06.

I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think Borat will even beat Click on the list.

Casual Comedy II

In my previous casual comedy post I didn't define casual comedy.

Casual comedy is comedy that

a) requires less than ten minutes of your time (like a viral video)
b) (more importantly) that doesn't even seem to require much effort to be funny from the creators

It's really similar to casual games. Though video game/comedy nerds like myself buy console games like Dead Rising and watch comedy specials like "When the Leaves Blow", more and more webheads are playing casual games on Digg and watching (often unintentionally) funny videos on YouTube.

Videos like this creepy PS3 commercial.



With all this unintentionally funny stuff going around the office,will intentional comedy be obsolete? Not likely. The top YouTube comedy video of the week is the Let's Go to Prison trailer.



But there is a new brand of comedy that isn't self-aware and that wants to be anything but funny.

Aleksey Vayner wanted a job, not a spot at ASSSCAT.

Amateur Minute: The Bitmores

Since I don't get a torrential downpour of MySpace friend requests from bands, I have time to check out every single act that sends me music. Acts like Rhode Island's The Biltmores, who have self-released their debut album Same Story, Same Ending this past Friday.

"Weight of the World" (first song on their MySpace player) is a grunge song that isn't post-grunge. While Nickelhack and Greed use the standard Nirvana/Pearl Jam template for their songs, "Weight of the World" hearkens back to the unsung legends of the alternative nation like Screaming Trees and Dinosaur Jr. No wonder I'm not a music blogger: I can't sell it better than that. How about I rip off Amazon?

Listeners who like this also like:

Giant Drag
Wilco
Pixies

The Best Consolation Prize Ever

What did runner-up New York get on "Flavor of Love 2"? Well she didn't get Flav, but she got her own television show called "Flavorette."

Though this sounds awesome, I doubt it will be on the air for long. Indeed, I believe that the consolation prize of the future will be your own reality game show which will be cancelled after week two.

Sorry Mr. Jennings, the correct answer was "Who was Alexander Hamilton?" not "Who was Richard Benjamin?" But you are not going home empty handed. Next month you will have your own show called "The Bachelor VH-1 Style" where plus-sized burn victims vy for your affection.

via Cobain in a Coma