Belushi For Least Funny Song: "I Got A Crush On Obama"
Working at I'mnottelling newspaper, I was forced to discuss the big events on the web. Better or worse this was one of them. My soul died when I included this video on the list of big things on the web for 07.
Belushi For Least Funny Viral Video:
If you have to ask, you'll never know.
Belushi For Least Funny Movie: Good Luck Chuck
How does Jessica Alba star in the worst and best comedy of the year? No mystery there; she was not even funny in The Ten. This was comedy for the meatheads and hoes contingency. Need a reason to hate Franz Ferdinand and The Flaming Lips? Check out the trailer and the movie.
The Belushi For Least Funny Show: Dice Undisputed
The man who killed stand-up is still unleashed. Attack!
The Belushi For Least Funny Stand-Up: Dane Cook
I was all ready to stop bashing the SuFigurehead. But this maudlin power ballad proved that Dane Cook is more driven by self-validation and opportunism than by any passion with the craft of stand-up.
Belushi For Least Funny Sketch Comedy: Frank TV
If only Frank Caliendo could imitate a comedian.
Belushi For Least Funny Website: eBaum's World
Yes they are still trying.
The Big Belushi For '07:
Dane Cook
Let Andy Kindler explain:
Monday, December 31, 2007
The Funniest Things Of 2007
Funniest Song Of '07: "Doo Dah Doo Doo," Ron Austar on "Tim and Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job"
Once again hip hop is fertile soil for comedy turnips. Last year's winner was the "Kramer Rap Song" but this year an instructional hip hop PSA urging dancers to think about their dad was the hottest solid gold comedy hit for 2007. No need to analyze just watch.
Funniest Viral Video Of '07: "The Landlord"
Amateurs need to step up their game: Will Ferrell was a tough act to follow this year, as was the foul-mouthed 9-year-old landlord. Looks like future viral videos will actually need good writing (this one was written by Adam McKay and Will Ferrell).
Funniest Movie of '07: The Ten
The Apatow films were great, but neither Superbad nor Knocked Up were as consistently funny as this sketch film directed by David Wain. Never was there a more endearing rapist in recorded history than that played by Rob Corddry.
Funniest Show: Human Giant
Nevermind the legendary 24 hour marathon with The National and Michael Showalter stopping by. No moment in '07 (film, TV, life) was funnier than Paul Scheer trying to fit in at the supermarket with his knowledge of hit commercial jingles.
Funniest Comedian: Patton Oswalt
Ratatouille. Werewolves and Lollipops. His response to the AST poll. Even without these bullet points, Oswalt caught the whole Internet's attention with his rant on KFC. His Conan appearance in which he fires off this apoplectic philipic got 574 Diggs.
This is from the DVD included with Werewolves and Lollipops.
Funniest Sketch Group: Whitest Kids U Know
A comedian friend of mine said he doesn't like most white sketch comedy and he prefers Chapelle's sketches or Chris Rock's sketches. He also said these guys are the exception. Lesson: white sketch comedy sucks unless it's the whitest sketch comedy you know of.
Funniest Website: Super Deluxe
"Layers" and "Tim And Eric Nite Live" make Super Deluxe the funniest website of the year.
Funniest Blog Post I've Written This Year: Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA
Once again hip hop is fertile soil for comedy turnips. Last year's winner was the "Kramer Rap Song" but this year an instructional hip hop PSA urging dancers to think about their dad was the hottest solid gold comedy hit for 2007. No need to analyze just watch.
Funniest Viral Video Of '07: "The Landlord"
Amateurs need to step up their game: Will Ferrell was a tough act to follow this year, as was the foul-mouthed 9-year-old landlord. Looks like future viral videos will actually need good writing (this one was written by Adam McKay and Will Ferrell).
Funniest Movie of '07: The Ten
The Apatow films were great, but neither Superbad nor Knocked Up were as consistently funny as this sketch film directed by David Wain. Never was there a more endearing rapist in recorded history than that played by Rob Corddry.
Funniest Show: Human Giant
Nevermind the legendary 24 hour marathon with The National and Michael Showalter stopping by. No moment in '07 (film, TV, life) was funnier than Paul Scheer trying to fit in at the supermarket with his knowledge of hit commercial jingles.
Funniest Comedian: Patton Oswalt
Ratatouille. Werewolves and Lollipops. His response to the AST poll. Even without these bullet points, Oswalt caught the whole Internet's attention with his rant on KFC. His Conan appearance in which he fires off this apoplectic philipic got 574 Diggs.
This is from the DVD included with Werewolves and Lollipops.
Funniest Sketch Group: Whitest Kids U Know
A comedian friend of mine said he doesn't like most white sketch comedy and he prefers Chapelle's sketches or Chris Rock's sketches. He also said these guys are the exception. Lesson: white sketch comedy sucks unless it's the whitest sketch comedy you know of.
Funniest Website: Super Deluxe
"Layers" and "Tim And Eric Nite Live" make Super Deluxe the funniest website of the year.
Funniest Blog Post I've Written This Year: Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Show Recap
So you missed the show. Here is what you missed.
Uber Luber playing the most kickass gay metal this side of the LES.
RG Daniels doing some straight no bullshit stand-up.
Eric Andre doing some social commentary on Stephen King (rather illuminating).
Craig Sharf with some classic one-liners
Bob Bell doing his Dadaist comedy routine
Tom McCaffery DESTROYING the room with his observations on his friends, who he claims are dicks.
Sarah Guttierez with her incredibly funny teenage poetry
Franz Fury The Art Bully proclaims Paris Hilton artist of the century
Mike Dobbins talks about trout better than anyone in the Western hemisphere.
Oh if only we took pictures.
Come next time!
Uber Luber playing the most kickass gay metal this side of the LES.
RG Daniels doing some straight no bullshit stand-up.
Eric Andre doing some social commentary on Stephen King (rather illuminating).
Craig Sharf with some classic one-liners
Bob Bell doing his Dadaist comedy routine
Tom McCaffery DESTROYING the room with his observations on his friends, who he claims are dicks.
Sarah Guttierez with her incredibly funny teenage poetry
Franz Fury The Art Bully proclaims Paris Hilton artist of the century
Mike Dobbins talks about trout better than anyone in the Western hemisphere.
Oh if only we took pictures.
Come next time!
Friday, December 14, 2007
Come To Our Comedy Show On Sunday
Hosts Mo Diggs and Matt Nagin proudly present funny metal band Uber Luber, stand-up comics RG Daniels, Craig Sharf, Joe Fury, Eric Andre, Mike Dobbins, Bob Bell and Sean O'Connor. Performance poet Sarah Guttierez will also be there, as will headliner Tom McCaffery, from Comedy Central and also on the iconic Invite Them Up CD. Free open mike after the show.
Comedy Ain’t Noise Pollution
Host:
Mo Diggs and Matt Nagin
Time and Place/Date:
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Time:
8:00pm - 10:00pm
Location:
Parkside Lounge
Street:
317 E. Houston St.
City/Town:
New York, NY
Monday, December 10, 2007
1990: Worst Year In Pop Music History?
I know: cheese gets finer with age, blasé blah. But some of it is just downright rancid. Do you have any Pat Boone on your iPod? Didn’t think so.
1990 anno domini was a potentially fatal hybrid of the worst the ‘80s and ‘90s had to offer. Kind of like a rabid coy dog—a coy dog that devours joy and inspiration, turning it into a mulch of hyper-colored corporate cynicism.
Rap: In rap, you had the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle scene. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice were both accused of stealing samples from Rick James and Queen. No one claimed the insipid lyrics as theirs though. Vanilla Ice will be remembered as the Pat Boone of hip-hop. Except you do have Vanilla Ice on your iPod.
Rock: Hair metal reached its most absurd zenith in 1990. The year before, we had two “classics,” which came in the form of Aerosmith’s Pump and Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood—two Rockin’ Rehab Records (much of the acclaim for the two albums came from a “clean and sober” Aerosmith and Crue. Seriously, every review had the words “clean and sober.”)
In 1990, there was Nelson and Slaughter. At the risk of alienating the female readers (read: my girlfriend), this was the pussiest year in metal history.
The Metal Health Report for 1990: Vaginitis.
Even then, we knew Nelson’s ode to Cindy Crawford (“I Can’t Live Without Your Love And Affection”) was really penned with Kip Winger in mind. The Nelson twins were like the Barbi Twins without the talent.
Slaughter, inexplicably, was critically acclaimed. When I bought Stick It To Ya at age 14, I listened to it over and over, incredulous that I couldn’t agree with RIP magazine’s glowing review of their Las Vegas softcore porn metal. Eventually I stuck to my guns and saw Mark Slaughter for the neutered, mall-metal eunuch he really was.
Huh?: C +C Music Factory and Milli Vanilli deserve a special place in hell. Dante is taking notes in his grave right now. Though one of the morbidly obese Weather Girls sang “Gonna Make You Sweat,” she was not in the video. The always-shirtless (and talentless) Freedom Williams was ubiquitous. Karaoke hell was officially erected on the watery grave of the music factory’s career. According to New York State law, shooting someone who sings any of their songs at karaoke is legally sanctioned, much like shooting someone for arson is: both assholes are trying to burn down the house.
Milli Vanilli may have been the worst of it though. The notorious lip-synching duo were like the black version of the Nelson twins, but without the talent.
Conclusion: 1990 will be remembered as the year of shitty twins, TMNT rap and ugly colors. Forgive me if I confuse 1990 with a run-down daycare center.
1990 anno domini was a potentially fatal hybrid of the worst the ‘80s and ‘90s had to offer. Kind of like a rabid coy dog—a coy dog that devours joy and inspiration, turning it into a mulch of hyper-colored corporate cynicism.
Rap: In rap, you had the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle scene. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice were both accused of stealing samples from Rick James and Queen. No one claimed the insipid lyrics as theirs though. Vanilla Ice will be remembered as the Pat Boone of hip-hop. Except you do have Vanilla Ice on your iPod.
Rock: Hair metal reached its most absurd zenith in 1990. The year before, we had two “classics,” which came in the form of Aerosmith’s Pump and Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood—two Rockin’ Rehab Records (much of the acclaim for the two albums came from a “clean and sober” Aerosmith and Crue. Seriously, every review had the words “clean and sober.”)
In 1990, there was Nelson and Slaughter. At the risk of alienating the female readers (read: my girlfriend), this was the pussiest year in metal history.
Even then, we knew Nelson’s ode to Cindy Crawford (“I Can’t Live Without Your Love And Affection”) was really penned with Kip Winger in mind. The Nelson twins were like the Barbi Twins without the talent.
Slaughter, inexplicably, was critically acclaimed. When I bought Stick It To Ya at age 14, I listened to it over and over, incredulous that I couldn’t agree with RIP magazine’s glowing review of their Las Vegas softcore porn metal. Eventually I stuck to my guns and saw Mark Slaughter for the neutered, mall-metal eunuch he really was.
Huh?: C +C Music Factory and Milli Vanilli deserve a special place in hell. Dante is taking notes in his grave right now. Though one of the morbidly obese Weather Girls sang “Gonna Make You Sweat,” she was not in the video. The always-shirtless (and talentless) Freedom Williams was ubiquitous. Karaoke hell was officially erected on the watery grave of the music factory’s career. According to New York State law, shooting someone who sings any of their songs at karaoke is legally sanctioned, much like shooting someone for arson is: both assholes are trying to burn down the house.
Milli Vanilli may have been the worst of it though. The notorious lip-synching duo were like the black version of the Nelson twins, but without the talent.
Conclusion: 1990 will be remembered as the year of shitty twins, TMNT rap and ugly colors. Forgive me if I confuse 1990 with a run-down daycare center.
Friday, December 07, 2007
I Would Kill Myself, But This Suicide Note Is Too Pretentious To Leave Behind
I want to kill myself in a tub of warm milk with chamomile tea bags all up in it. Jack Kerouac says that the meaning of life is living automatically. I fucking hate meetings. So yeah I wanna die. Death is such well wait I guess I don’t wanna die. No I do.
I am afraid of diabetes because it looks like too much of a hassle.
Needles, pills
Heroin is too much of a hassle.
Needles, pills.
I wanna die with a kitten on my chest Koko style
They don't make primates like that anymore
I wanna die in a massage parlor with Linda Rondstadts “Long Long Time” playing
I would kill myself but I’m afraid the FBI is reading this and getting the wrong idea.
I’m middle eastern u know.
So im not alive because I want to be alive but because I do not want to live up to the stereotype of being suicidal.
But I guess where there’s smoke there’s fire.
I am arab American – I wanna kill myself but I wanna do it with donuts and chamomile tea.
And a kitten made of insulin.
I am afraid of diabetes because it looks like too much of a hassle.
Needles, pills
Heroin is too much of a hassle.
Needles, pills.
I wanna die with a kitten on my chest Koko style
I wanna die in a massage parlor with Linda Rondstadts “Long Long Time” playing
I would kill myself but I’m afraid the FBI is reading this and getting the wrong idea.
I’m middle eastern u know.
So im not alive because I want to be alive but because I do not want to live up to the stereotype of being suicidal.
But I guess where there’s smoke there’s fire.
I am arab American – I wanna kill myself but I wanna do it with donuts and chamomile tea.
And a kitten made of insulin.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Zen Jokewriting Journal #4
The secret to comedy: write a whole bunch of unfunny things and say the funny things onstage.
I am itchy. Life is itchy. Life is uncomfortable. We try to scratch the itch but no matter how hard we scratch it the itch comes back stronger. As Daniel Kitson would say, “metaphor for life.” I would love to burn stuff onstage (cotton candy, hair pomade) but I wonder about smoke inhalation. Maybe if I get a gig at Central Park. Yeah. Itchy situation. Dave Matthews band I hate. But they get so much hate I feel bad for them. Sure they have frat boy fans but they want hip fans. Kinda like when u want to ask the head cheerleader to the dance but instead your pimply lab partner constantly talks about getting a hand job limo driven to your house with her likeness on the hood so you constantly know what’s in store. So frat boys are like ugly lab partners. Where else do they get the GHB?
Has a famous comedian ever had ear hair? Celebrity? Puppy?
Like ear canal hair?
But I wanna be Henrix's lab partner!
Is Hendrix hip? Cuz if he isn’t I will dress like Hendrix and stalk the streets of Park Slope and Williamsburg
And the wind cries Mo.
Mo cries about his wig being itchy.
I am itchy. Life is itchy. Life is uncomfortable. We try to scratch the itch but no matter how hard we scratch it the itch comes back stronger. As Daniel Kitson would say, “metaphor for life.” I would love to burn stuff onstage (cotton candy, hair pomade) but I wonder about smoke inhalation. Maybe if I get a gig at Central Park. Yeah. Itchy situation. Dave Matthews band I hate. But they get so much hate I feel bad for them. Sure they have frat boy fans but they want hip fans. Kinda like when u want to ask the head cheerleader to the dance but instead your pimply lab partner constantly talks about getting a hand job limo driven to your house with her likeness on the hood so you constantly know what’s in store. So frat boys are like ugly lab partners. Where else do they get the GHB?
Has a famous comedian ever had ear hair? Celebrity? Puppy?
Like ear canal hair?
Is Hendrix hip? Cuz if he isn’t I will dress like Hendrix and stalk the streets of Park Slope and Williamsburg
And the wind cries Mo.
Mo cries about his wig being itchy.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Activity Of The Day: Do Bike Jump Over Evel Knievel’s Tombstone
I know what you’re thinking: cheap, tasteless irony. But do you honestly think Knievel would have it any other way? Here’s what I envision: one kid doing a simple bike jump over the headstone. Then another runt tries to top him and jump two stones. Before New Year’s, the whole graveyard will be jumping and shaking with energy and gaiety.
Two hundred years from today, passersby will walk past a cemetery with flaming hoops and motorcycles and ask for an explanation. The Cohen Brothers Narrator will tell the Evel Knievel story on cue and it will be the hottest graveyard ever.
At my funeral, I want drink specials and burlesque dancers.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Activity Of The Day: Ask A Hooker For Gum
(NOTE: This is recommended only for those who carry video phones or video equipment) After you check out the Creek and Cave’s wonderful comedy shows in Long Island City, cruise around the Astoria projects and ask hookers for gum. Make sure your camera phone is on so when the coppers pull you over and accuse you of soliciting prostitution, you can prove that you were innocently asking for a stick of gum. Don’t forget; before you drive off without an appearance ticket, ask the cop for gum.
Then return the next day and give every hooker and cop a stick of gum. Garlic knots will also suffice.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Do This On Thanksgiving And I Will Pay You One Massachusetts
Buy everyone in the family presents. When you get no presents in return, let out an exasperated sigh and say, "Figures."
I will pay you
one Alaska as well if you produce a live turkey to your girlfriend's (or someone else's girlfriend's) father and ask for her hand in marriage.
See you (not pay you, see you) Monday.
one Alaska as well if you produce a live turkey to your girlfriend's (or someone else's girlfriend's) father and ask for her hand in marriage.
See you (not pay you, see you) Monday.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Activity Of The Day: Put Rubbing Alcohol On Your Rubbing Lunch Meat
Remember when a man could commit adultery without no childish biznazz? It’s called adultery, not third-gradery. Now there is this method that more and more partners are using to detect infidelity on their man: smelling the salami to see if it’s been in another sandwich.
So rub alcohol all over your dingelberry and your queen will think you just came back from, like, the hospital or something. For those who may be sensitive to alcohol, try chicken noodle soup so you counter one cheesy rap reference with another one. Plus, it will smell like you just went to the hospital or whatever.
So rub alcohol all over your dingelberry and your queen will think you just came back from, like, the hospital or something. For those who may be sensitive to alcohol, try chicken noodle soup so you counter one cheesy rap reference with another one. Plus, it will smell like you just went to the hospital or whatever.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Comedy-Reality? Really?
OK I'll cough up the JuJu Beans: some cool things have come out of this strike. SNL at UCB, Daily Show taking to the YouTube streets. On the flip tip, like a Freedy Johnston song, the sweet is always laced with the bitter. If the WGA does not get their contract soon enough, expect more comedy-reality.
I know, comedy as an adjective with a hyphen, uuugggh.
Though the genre began in earnest with Blind Date, The Surreal Life helped define the genre. Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Rock of Love continue to define the genre.
What genre?
A comedy-reality show is marked by the following characteristics:
music that manipulates viewers to laugh at reality show thespians by playing carnival music in the background
OK that's actually not more than one characteristic. My bust. Much as I hate to envision a future in which such cynical, silicone (CyniCone?) dreck becomes considered the gold standard of TV comedy and scripted comedy goes the way of the Laserdisc ViewMaster, here are some pitches for comedy-reality shows that I would like to pitch in a high pitch drinking a pitcher in a stadium of pitch-black tar:
Smack My Pitch Up: A bunch of hot models pitch reality shows. They pull each other's hair and call each other bitch. Think of the tagline: "These bitches got pitches." At the end of the show, the celebrity judge (Joel Schumacher) says "The End" if you're voted off and "To Be Continued" if you stay.
Municipal Council Of Love: Ten municipal council members get voted off by Pia Zadora until a municipality in the suburbs of Southern California becomes a dictatorship.
She was in that movie.
Love of Love: The hearts of ten different species get systematically punctured by Raquel Welch until one of them is picked as her heart replacement. The black baboon hearts are allegedly represented unfairly.
I know, comedy as an adjective with a hyphen, uuugggh.
Though the genre began in earnest with Blind Date, The Surreal Life helped define the genre. Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Rock of Love continue to define the genre.
What genre?
A comedy-reality show is marked by the following characteristics:
music that manipulates viewers to laugh at reality show thespians by playing carnival music in the background
OK that's actually not more than one characteristic. My bust. Much as I hate to envision a future in which such cynical, silicone (CyniCone?) dreck becomes considered the gold standard of TV comedy and scripted comedy goes the way of the Laserdisc ViewMaster, here are some pitches for comedy-reality shows that I would like to pitch in a high pitch drinking a pitcher in a stadium of pitch-black tar:
Smack My Pitch Up: A bunch of hot models pitch reality shows. They pull each other's hair and call each other bitch. Think of the tagline: "These bitches got pitches." At the end of the show, the celebrity judge (Joel Schumacher) says "The End" if you're voted off and "To Be Continued" if you stay.
Municipal Council Of Love: Ten municipal council members get voted off by Pia Zadora until a municipality in the suburbs of Southern California becomes a dictatorship.
Love of Love: The hearts of ten different species get systematically punctured by Raquel Welch until one of them is picked as her heart replacement. The black baboon hearts are allegedly represented unfairly.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Out Of Network
Thank you all so much for your e-mails and support. Those who don't know, I've been in the ER. I am currently attached to an IV. While I was in the ER I realized that alternative medicine is like alternative comedy and western medicine is like mainstream comedy.
Both mainstream comedy and medicine are overpriced.
Both alternative comedy and medicine are associated with noisome subcultures (hipsters, hippies respectively)
Mainstream: Accused of valuing money over quality
Alternative: Accused of unlawful posession of marijuana
Mainstream: practitioners make money, getting more respect from society
Alternative: practitioners get more bohemian poon than Vince Gallo at SXSW, getting respect from Fleshbot
Mainstream: make loads of money
Alternative: make loads of money at day job
Mainstream: someone somewhere has morphine
Alternative: someone somewhere has morphine
Both mainstream comedy and medicine are overpriced.
Both alternative comedy and medicine are associated with noisome subcultures (hipsters, hippies respectively)
Mainstream: Accused of valuing money over quality
Alternative: Accused of unlawful posession of marijuana
Mainstream: practitioners make money, getting more respect from society
Alternative: practitioners get more bohemian poon than Vince Gallo at SXSW, getting respect from Fleshbot
Mainstream: make loads of money
Alternative: make loads of money at day job
Mainstream: someone somewhere has morphine
Alternative: someone somewhere has morphine
Friday, November 09, 2007
Remembrance Of Videos Past #52: Metallica, “One”
The video for this had footage spliced in from Dalton Trumbo’s early ‘70s anti-war film Johnny Get Your Gun. Imagine if different film/TV clips were mixed in with the footage?
Some “One” Lyrics
I can't remember anything (Christina Applegate looking dazed in Samantha Who?)
Can't tell if this is true or dream (Harold wakes up getting his face licked in Harold and Kumar)
Deep down inside I feel to scream (Macauley Culkin in Home Alone)
This terrible silence stops me (Fatty Arbuckle does a pratfall)
Back in the womb its much too real (Look Who’s Talking Too)
Just like a wartime novelty (“Springtime For Hitler” number, The Producers)
Tied to machines that make me be (Lawnmower Man)
Cut this life off from me (Sklar Bros. on Grey’s Anatomy)
Oh God, help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God help me (Jessica Alba getting date raped by Dane Cook, Good Luck Chuck)
Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror (Fat chick hugging Norbit)
Landmine
Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in Hell (America’s Funniest Home Videos)
Some “One” Lyrics
I can't remember anything (Christina Applegate looking dazed in Samantha Who?)
Can't tell if this is true or dream (Harold wakes up getting his face licked in Harold and Kumar)
Deep down inside I feel to scream (Macauley Culkin in Home Alone)
This terrible silence stops me (Fatty Arbuckle does a pratfall)
Back in the womb its much too real (Look Who’s Talking Too)
Just like a wartime novelty (“Springtime For Hitler” number, The Producers)
Tied to machines that make me be (Lawnmower Man)
Cut this life off from me (Sklar Bros. on Grey’s Anatomy)
Oh God, help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God help me (Jessica Alba getting date raped by Dane Cook, Good Luck Chuck)
Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror (Fat chick hugging Norbit)
Landmine
Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in Hell (America’s Funniest Home Videos)
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Remembrance Of Videos Past #51: Beach Boys, "Still Cruisin'"
The Beach Boys had a comeback in 1988 when they put “Kokomo” on the Cocktail soundtrack. The Beach Boys were suddenly dripping off every Hollywood shark’s lips in Hollywood. John Stamos was their drummer, after all.
The Beach Boys’ answer? “Still Cruisin’.”
This song reminds me of Mel Gibson copping a feel on Teutonic (word of the day?) blonde femme fatale Patsy Kensit in Lethal Weapon 2; the film it was featured in.
The first Lethal with Joe Pesci.
Kensit eventually moved on to frolic with Liam Gallagher of Oasis. Mel Gibson was arrested for a DWI. During his arrest he made anti-Semitic remarks.
Is it possible that Gibson looks back on the arrest and sings this tune while driving?
The Beach Boys’ answer? “Still Cruisin’.”
This song reminds me of Mel Gibson copping a feel on Teutonic (word of the day?) blonde femme fatale Patsy Kensit in Lethal Weapon 2; the film it was featured in.
The first Lethal with Joe Pesci.
Kensit eventually moved on to frolic with Liam Gallagher of Oasis. Mel Gibson was arrested for a DWI. During his arrest he made anti-Semitic remarks.
Is it possible that Gibson looks back on the arrest and sings this tune while driving?
Short Story: The Improvisers
It’s been a minute and a mile since I’ve written a short story. This work of flash fiction is inspired by the WGA strike
Barton Chesterpiro’s jaw dropped when he saw the TV set.
When he first looked at the wall of TVs, he gave a warm, knowing smile while drawing from his Chesterfield.
All smoke breaks from writer’s guild strikes should be so poignant.
The knowing smile evinced his beatific understanding of how vital television was; of how TV would never be replaced by the ugly, deformed twin of TV that was YouTube.
But when he focused his eyes on the news story, his jaw dropped.
The Improvisers had taken over.
Improvisers?
Every good-looking improv student was cast on every narrative show on television. What’s more, networks did not conceal the automatic, unconscious nature of the programming. There was CSI: Improv. Lost: Improv Island. 24: A Day For Improv was a runaway success; callers would give Lower East Side celebrity Reefer Mutherland improv suggestions. One week, he wrestled a crestfallen, morbidly obese dingo nestled in a sequoia.
People loved this more than reality TV.
Reality TV had confessionals, which were a relatively distancing device. I Love New York looked more and more like a cold, Teutonic, Brechtian drama.
Who's the mack tonight?
Improv involved the audience. It meant spontaneity; being in the moment; audience control.
There was even American Idol Improv, where singers had to sing whatever callers requested. Or even make up songs based on viewer suggestions. Like the one time Amber Bambrella sang an impromptu ditty about cancer cells metastasizing. So awkward (the camera cut to an 8-year-old chemo victim with a “Tommy, Can You Hear Me?” sign), yet so addicting.
Hellfire and damnation, I am sick of writing for free; I’m going on strike.
Barton Chesterpiro’s jaw dropped when he saw the TV set.
When he first looked at the wall of TVs, he gave a warm, knowing smile while drawing from his Chesterfield.
All smoke breaks from writer’s guild strikes should be so poignant.
The knowing smile evinced his beatific understanding of how vital television was; of how TV would never be replaced by the ugly, deformed twin of TV that was YouTube.
But when he focused his eyes on the news story, his jaw dropped.
The Improvisers had taken over.
Improvisers?
Every good-looking improv student was cast on every narrative show on television. What’s more, networks did not conceal the automatic, unconscious nature of the programming. There was CSI: Improv. Lost: Improv Island. 24: A Day For Improv was a runaway success; callers would give Lower East Side celebrity Reefer Mutherland improv suggestions. One week, he wrestled a crestfallen, morbidly obese dingo nestled in a sequoia.
People loved this more than reality TV.
Reality TV had confessionals, which were a relatively distancing device. I Love New York looked more and more like a cold, Teutonic, Brechtian drama.
Improv involved the audience. It meant spontaneity; being in the moment; audience control.
There was even American Idol Improv, where singers had to sing whatever callers requested. Or even make up songs based on viewer suggestions. Like the one time Amber Bambrella sang an impromptu ditty about cancer cells metastasizing. So awkward (the camera cut to an 8-year-old chemo victim with a “Tommy, Can You Hear Me?” sign), yet so addicting.
Hellfire and damnation, I am sick of writing for free; I’m going on strike.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Hey John Cusack…
Did you blow your coolness wad on High Fidelity? Of course I don’t expect you to do something as resplendent again, but you’ve let yourself go more than Mo’Nique at a BBW party held at a Chinese buffet in Paramus.
Let’s look at your recent works:
America’s Sweethearts (2001): Wow, this was a Category-5 hurricane of a disaster. Julia Roberts barely recovered from this with Ocean’s Eleven. Billy Crystal hid his face in shame and did voiceover work for Monster’s Inc. Whatever, one flop is forgivable.
Serendipity (2001): IMDB synopsis—“A couple reunite years after the night they first met, fell in love, and separated, convinced that one day they'd end up together.” A movie about a Craig’s List Missed Connection coming to fruition. Ouch.
Max (2002): OK, not a rom-com. So far, so good. Synopsis? “A film studying the depiction of a friendship between an art dealer named Rothman and his student, Adolf Hitler.” You played Hitler's art dealer. You’re not getting this: you played the most incompetent art dealer in recorded history. Let me put this in High Fidelity terms: it’s as if you played the guy who signed The Eagles to Epic Records.
Johnny Suck Lately
Must Love Dogs (2005): Original title: Must Hate Good Scripts
The Ice Harvest (2005): A movie about Christmas crooks? What’s the sequel? The Ramadan Robber?
Martian Child (2007): It’s not about a kid from Mars. It’s about a kid who thinks he’s from Mars.
So let’s look back at the past five years: you’ve played a romantic cornball; an art dealer for a fascist dictator; an attorney for Christmas criminals; the adopted father of a would-be Martian son.
All this from the man who was in Say Anything, Being John Malkovich and Grosse Point Blank. Your film career is “better off dead.”
Let’s look at your recent works:
America’s Sweethearts (2001): Wow, this was a Category-5 hurricane of a disaster. Julia Roberts barely recovered from this with Ocean’s Eleven. Billy Crystal hid his face in shame and did voiceover work for Monster’s Inc. Whatever, one flop is forgivable.
Serendipity (2001): IMDB synopsis—“A couple reunite years after the night they first met, fell in love, and separated, convinced that one day they'd end up together.” A movie about a Craig’s List Missed Connection coming to fruition. Ouch.
Max (2002): OK, not a rom-com. So far, so good. Synopsis? “A film studying the depiction of a friendship between an art dealer named Rothman and his student, Adolf Hitler.” You played Hitler's art dealer. You’re not getting this: you played the most incompetent art dealer in recorded history. Let me put this in High Fidelity terms: it’s as if you played the guy who signed The Eagles to Epic Records.
Must Love Dogs (2005): Original title: Must Hate Good Scripts
The Ice Harvest (2005): A movie about Christmas crooks? What’s the sequel? The Ramadan Robber?
Martian Child (2007): It’s not about a kid from Mars. It’s about a kid who thinks he’s from Mars.
So let’s look back at the past five years: you’ve played a romantic cornball; an art dealer for a fascist dictator; an attorney for Christmas criminals; the adopted father of a would-be Martian son.
All this from the man who was in Say Anything, Being John Malkovich and Grosse Point Blank. Your film career is “better off dead.”
Nothing Funny About Comedy: David: Seinfeld/Lennon: McCartney
This section is where I give serious essays on comedy.
This past weekend’s mixed reviews of Bee Movie confirm what seemed obvious to anyone who’s watched Seinfeld reruns in the post-Curb Your Enthusiasm-era: Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David were like Paul McCartney and John Lennon—they worked best as a team, but as solo artists, David and Lennon would prove the better artists while McCartney and Seinfeld were panned as the Tin Pan Alley pop hacks.
Seinfeld was obviously their Sgt. Pepper’s: most of it was attributable to Seinfeld, just like Pepper’s was ultimately McCartney’s triumph. Still, McCartney’s peppy “Getting Better” chorus was grounded by Lennon’s weary “can’t get much worse” back-up vocals. Respectively, Seinfeld’s safe, quotidian observations of everyday life were stale without David’s bile and vinegar.
As Lennon’s solo work became more introspective and stripped-down in his solo years, David offered a darker, personal vision. If Seinfeld prided itself on observations that all of us can relate to (understanding low talkers, scratching your nose in front of a lover), Curb Your Enthusiasm was an unapologetic look through David’s wire-rimmed glasses (another similarity between Lennon and David).
Though I have not seen Bee Movie, the words used to malign it have been identical to the ones used to denigrate McCartney’s output in the ‘70s: “ho-hum;” “bland;” “middle of the road.” The short of it is, no one has been outraged enough to give it a scathing review, which paradoxically makes the film seem worse.
This does not mean I agree with the McCartney/Seinfeld haters. I will still watch Bee Movie and I will still post this Wings classic:
This past weekend’s mixed reviews of Bee Movie confirm what seemed obvious to anyone who’s watched Seinfeld reruns in the post-Curb Your Enthusiasm-era: Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David were like Paul McCartney and John Lennon—they worked best as a team, but as solo artists, David and Lennon would prove the better artists while McCartney and Seinfeld were panned as the Tin Pan Alley pop hacks.
Seinfeld was obviously their Sgt. Pepper’s: most of it was attributable to Seinfeld, just like Pepper’s was ultimately McCartney’s triumph. Still, McCartney’s peppy “Getting Better” chorus was grounded by Lennon’s weary “can’t get much worse” back-up vocals. Respectively, Seinfeld’s safe, quotidian observations of everyday life were stale without David’s bile and vinegar.
As Lennon’s solo work became more introspective and stripped-down in his solo years, David offered a darker, personal vision. If Seinfeld prided itself on observations that all of us can relate to (understanding low talkers, scratching your nose in front of a lover), Curb Your Enthusiasm was an unapologetic look through David’s wire-rimmed glasses (another similarity between Lennon and David).
Though I have not seen Bee Movie, the words used to malign it have been identical to the ones used to denigrate McCartney’s output in the ‘70s: “ho-hum;” “bland;” “middle of the road.” The short of it is, no one has been outraged enough to give it a scathing review, which paradoxically makes the film seem worse.
This does not mean I agree with the McCartney/Seinfeld haters. I will still watch Bee Movie and I will still post this Wings classic:
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Guest Blogger: Retarded Vampire
I am very busy at work today so my guest blogger is Retarded Vampire, who is not gainfully employed.
Good evening dear readers. How, you may ask yourself in your head, can me, who feels burny in the light that comes not from a flashlight but from a sun, how me can blog in the daytime? I don’t know. I am burning. Donate blood real quick to 14 Driggs Ave., Williamsburg, OOO!OWWWW!!!!!!
Wait; I am now moved computertop lap into darky loft. Good. So anyway please donate your blood to me. This feels like I should call it a blood pledge drive. So please donate your blood to reader-supported Mo!Comedy.
WIAT! Let me think hardy about things that are interesting – make that Internetisting.
Do these guys think of Blackula funnily?
Wait for it- Robert Ghoulet. I kill me—WIAT I’m immortal. Bwahaha!
Webmaster I want for site idea: BloodFeed
How come no Undead Frog?
This site will make you tremble with laughter in way that you clutch your sides and go to hospital because your stomasch is ripped open. Then maybe you can find it in your heart to donate blood?
Vampire cell phone sucks electricity. Ooh, never tried electricity. Meh, tastes like battery.
VAT! Make fun of foreigners? I will bring my Freddy Krueger ventriloquist doll to your show, slice you with ventriloquist doll then, ok I forgive you. Please send me blood as Facebook gift. Vampire poke!
Good evening dear readers. How, you may ask yourself in your head, can me, who feels burny in the light that comes not from a flashlight but from a sun, how me can blog in the daytime? I don’t know. I am burning. Donate blood real quick to 14 Driggs Ave., Williamsburg, OOO!OWWWW!!!!!!
Wait; I am now moved computertop lap into darky loft. Good. So anyway please donate your blood to me. This feels like I should call it a blood pledge drive. So please donate your blood to reader-supported Mo!Comedy.
WIAT! Let me think hardy about things that are interesting – make that Internetisting.
Do these guys think of Blackula funnily?
Wait for it- Robert Ghoulet. I kill me—WIAT I’m immortal. Bwahaha!
Webmaster I want for site idea: BloodFeed
How come no Undead Frog?
This site will make you tremble with laughter in way that you clutch your sides and go to hospital because your stomasch is ripped open. Then maybe you can find it in your heart to donate blood?
Vampire cell phone sucks electricity. Ooh, never tried electricity. Meh, tastes like battery.
VAT! Make fun of foreigners? I will bring my Freddy Krueger ventriloquist doll to your show, slice you with ventriloquist doll then, ok I forgive you. Please send me blood as Facebook gift. Vampire poke!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Cereal Offenders
In the ‘80s there was this strange Saturday morning commercial trend of cartoon characters stealing cereal:
The Cookie Crook stealing Cookie Crisp
Barney Flinstone stealing Fruity Pebbles
The Trix rabbit stealing Trix.
These animated promos often had a humorous tone, which is odd because I find nothing funny about someone so desperate to eat that he steals food. Not money, food. Most starving robbers are OK with stealing money. Stealing food is many things—pathetic, baleful, an altogether gut-wrenchingly miserable affair. But funny? No. Throngs of people die from hunger.
If someone stole my bowl of cereal, I certainly wouldn’t chase him. I’ve lived with roommates before; roommates steal cereal from each other time and again. No big. The only reason I would chase after someone famished enough to steal my box of Honey Smacks is to tell them they forgot the milk.
Remember when kids voted for the Trix rabbit to eat some Trix? Of course they did—what kind of malevolent degenerate laughs at a starving rabbit?
So help yourself to some Cookie Crisp. I need a new roommate.
The Cookie Crook stealing Cookie Crisp
Barney Flinstone stealing Fruity Pebbles
The Trix rabbit stealing Trix.
These animated promos often had a humorous tone, which is odd because I find nothing funny about someone so desperate to eat that he steals food. Not money, food. Most starving robbers are OK with stealing money. Stealing food is many things—pathetic, baleful, an altogether gut-wrenchingly miserable affair. But funny? No. Throngs of people die from hunger.
If someone stole my bowl of cereal, I certainly wouldn’t chase him. I’ve lived with roommates before; roommates steal cereal from each other time and again. No big. The only reason I would chase after someone famished enough to steal my box of Honey Smacks is to tell them they forgot the milk.
Remember when kids voted for the Trix rabbit to eat some Trix? Of course they did—what kind of malevolent degenerate laughs at a starving rabbit?
So help yourself to some Cookie Crisp. I need a new roommate.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Worst Funk Awards
Worst Funk Philosophy Book: I Think Therefore I Jam, written by Dr. Souls
Worst Funk President: Abrajam Stinkin
Worst Funk Novel: Jamerican Psycho, Bret Easton Smellis
Worst Funk Comedy Tour: Non-def Comedy Jam
Worst Funk Vegan Band: Beat Is Murder
Worst Funk Social Networking Site (three-way-tie): MyBass; BassBook; Funkster
Worst Funk Computer: The Mack 3000
Worst FunkGadget: The iFunk
Worst Prime Minister of Funk: Mahmoud Ahmadineslam of Ijam
I want you to join Uncle Jam’s Army
Worst Funk President: Abrajam Stinkin
Worst Funk Novel: Jamerican Psycho, Bret Easton Smellis
Worst Funk Comedy Tour: Non-def Comedy Jam
Worst Funk Vegan Band: Beat Is Murder
Worst Funk Social Networking Site (three-way-tie): MyBass; BassBook; Funkster
Worst Funk Computer: The Mack 3000
Worst FunkGadget: The iFunk
Worst Prime Minister of Funk: Mahmoud Ahmadineslam of Ijam
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Happy Birthday Song vs. Superbug
Did you know that singing the “Happy Birthday” song to yourself while washing your hands can help you fight off the deadly staph infection that’s killing more Americans than AIDS every year?
If you just touched a toilet seat with fluorescent-colored ectoplasm, you might want to add the “How Old Are You Know” remix.
Now whenever I celebrate birthdays, I am reminded of the gruelling battle against MRSA, which makes the cake that much sweeter.
What's happening now is that every now and again, I sing "Happy Birthday" out loud while washing my hands, which draws many a puzzled look in my direction.
That said, fight staph today by wishing Giulia Rozzi a happy birthday!
Lyrics:
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Giulia Rozzi
Happy birthday to you
How old are you know
How old are you know
How old are you know
How old are you know
Happy birthday to you
You live in a zoo
You look like a gorilla
And yo mamma does too
Happy birthday to you
Staph might just kill you
Wash your hands every time
You go to the loo
If you just touched a toilet seat with fluorescent-colored ectoplasm, you might want to add the “How Old Are You Know” remix.
What's happening now is that every now and again, I sing "Happy Birthday" out loud while washing my hands, which draws many a puzzled look in my direction.
That said, fight staph today by wishing Giulia Rozzi a happy birthday!
Lyrics:
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Giulia Rozzi
Happy birthday to you
How old are you know
How old are you know
How old are you know
How old are you know
Happy birthday to you
You live in a zoo
You look like a gorilla
And yo mamma does too
Happy birthday to you
Staph might just kill you
Wash your hands every time
You go to the loo
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Who Wants To Be My Online Comedy Partner?
TSOYA has done it again with another amazing link, this one to Stylus magazine’s list of comedy duos. Which gave me the idea: who wants to be my blogging comedy partner? I post funny comments on my partner’s blog, my partner posts bon mots on mine. Who’s gayme?
I’m the one on the right
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Who’s The Suge Knight Of Alt-Comedy?
TSOYA linked to this splendid SF Gate article on SF alt-scene when I found this little nugget:
Along with playing indie clubs, comedians have been signing with indie labels. Major independent labels such as Subpop and Drag City have comedians on their rosters, a trend that Rian Murphy of Drag City says is very much in the tradition of his label, although the practice has "a lot of room to grow."
Drag City's flagship comedian is the droll and often disgusting Hamburger, who works a lounge-lizard persona and is one of the few comics to make a career out of touring nonconventional venues.
Record labels have also, logically, signed acts that fuse music and comedy. There are numerous examples, including Subpop's Australian duo Flight of the Conchords (who also have a show on HBO) and "SNL's" Fred Armisen, who has recorded under numerous musical pseudonyms and has teamed with Sleater-Kinney's Carrie Brownstein as ThunderAnt on Drag City.
"Tenacious D signaled a turning point in musical comedy," Murphy says of the faux metal band consisting of actors Jack Black and Kyle Gass. "It brought the two things together. You didn't have to choose between being a musical act or a comedy act."
It's hard to say what makes for good chemistry between a label, a band and a comedian, but it somehow makes aesthetic sense for hip, sarcastic nerds like David Cross and Eugene Mirman to tour with indie groups.
So who is the Suge Knight of the alt-comedy labels?
Tony Kiewel, obviously. Why else can’t you find a good picture of him online?
Along with playing indie clubs, comedians have been signing with indie labels. Major independent labels such as Subpop and Drag City have comedians on their rosters, a trend that Rian Murphy of Drag City says is very much in the tradition of his label, although the practice has "a lot of room to grow."
Drag City's flagship comedian is the droll and often disgusting Hamburger, who works a lounge-lizard persona and is one of the few comics to make a career out of touring nonconventional venues.
Record labels have also, logically, signed acts that fuse music and comedy. There are numerous examples, including Subpop's Australian duo Flight of the Conchords (who also have a show on HBO) and "SNL's" Fred Armisen, who has recorded under numerous musical pseudonyms and has teamed with Sleater-Kinney's Carrie Brownstein as ThunderAnt on Drag City.
"Tenacious D signaled a turning point in musical comedy," Murphy says of the faux metal band consisting of actors Jack Black and Kyle Gass. "It brought the two things together. You didn't have to choose between being a musical act or a comedy act."
It's hard to say what makes for good chemistry between a label, a band and a comedian, but it somehow makes aesthetic sense for hip, sarcastic nerds like David Cross and Eugene Mirman to tour with indie groups.
So who is the Suge Knight of the alt-comedy labels?
Tony Kiewel, obviously. Why else can’t you find a good picture of him online?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
America Loves Watching Hot Women Get Eliminated
Looking at some of the biggest reality shows in America (America’s Most Smartest Model, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love), one can’t help but conclude that Americans' cockles get warm every time they see hot women get eliminated. The epistemological truth about reality, according these shows, is that it is our intrinsic, biological imperative to systematically eliminate a house infested with a bevy of alluring ladies until there is one left.
I have always assumed that this is not the case, but perhaps I am being too cynical and close-minded to accept scientific evidence. Maybe this is why women in fundamentalist Muslim countries are told to wear burkas; so they can be eliminated indiscriminately.
This is why each week I will ban one hot woman from writing comments on my blog.
My girlfriend, Amy, will be the first one eliminated.
Watch your back, Jerell.
Oh, I'll moderate your comments, all right
I have always assumed that this is not the case, but perhaps I am being too cynical and close-minded to accept scientific evidence. Maybe this is why women in fundamentalist Muslim countries are told to wear burkas; so they can be eliminated indiscriminately.
This is why each week I will ban one hot woman from writing comments on my blog.
My girlfriend, Amy, will be the first one eliminated.
Watch your back, Jerell.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Harvard Comedy
Just read this article on Shecky envisioning a future in which stand-ups are all from Harvard.
"But sir, I went to Oxford. Please listen to my Facebook joke."
"No dear lad, only Harvard grads. Give it up for your next comic, Poindexter Rutherford."
"Thanks. So who here has worked on a game theory problem, huh? This guy's like 'Shut up, my wife is here!'"
"But sir, I went to Oxford. Please listen to my Facebook joke."
"No dear lad, only Harvard grads. Give it up for your next comic, Poindexter Rutherford."
"Thanks. So who here has worked on a game theory problem, huh? This guy's like 'Shut up, my wife is here!'"
Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 7
Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.
Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).
When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…
"A faggot with a heart of gold and a B.A. in Criminal Justice! Come on, we're going to White Castle."
“Figures, a queen wants to go to a castle.”
“Well what do you suggest?”
“Jessica Alba is in town giving a press conference.”
“Yes, so what do you wanna do?”
“Dude, I wanna ram my mayonnaise gun in her baloney taco.”
As Amir drove down the New Jersey Turnpike, he had a frightening moment of clarity. Time seemed to grind to a halt. Looking to his right, he saw mad scientist cackling in his Dodge Ram. The mad scientist beamed with pride as he looked at his custom-built... .. miniature diorama of the Camp David accords, accurate right down to Zbigniew Brzezinski's adorable little novelty cufflinks, which were in the shape of two penguins kissing.
As Amir focused his binoculars on the novelty cufflinks, Kyle said “Light’s green, cock vein!” A half-mile past the Camp David van (which has Anwar Sadat, Menachem Begin and Jimmy Carter holding hands and crossing a finish line while riding three conjoined unicorns airbrushed on the side), Kyle asked Amir, “Wait, wasn’t that the host of Tic Tac Doe in that diorama?”
“No,” Amir shot back. “That was Zbigniew Brzezinski, President Carter’s National Security Adviser.”
Circle gets a square...I mean Israel and Egypt get a peace treaty.
“Oh,” Kyle murmured with his head hanging low. “Well who was that guy behind the van with the Mad Rejuvenator machine?”
“MAD REJUVENATOR,” Amir exclaimed. “Describe this Mad Rejuvenator!”
Kyle described it as…
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.
Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).
When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…
"A faggot with a heart of gold and a B.A. in Criminal Justice! Come on, we're going to White Castle."
“Figures, a queen wants to go to a castle.”
“Well what do you suggest?”
“Jessica Alba is in town giving a press conference.”
“Yes, so what do you wanna do?”
“Dude, I wanna ram my mayonnaise gun in her baloney taco.”
As Amir drove down the New Jersey Turnpike, he had a frightening moment of clarity. Time seemed to grind to a halt. Looking to his right, he saw mad scientist cackling in his Dodge Ram. The mad scientist beamed with pride as he looked at his custom-built... .. miniature diorama of the Camp David accords, accurate right down to Zbigniew Brzezinski's adorable little novelty cufflinks, which were in the shape of two penguins kissing.
As Amir focused his binoculars on the novelty cufflinks, Kyle said “Light’s green, cock vein!” A half-mile past the Camp David van (which has Anwar Sadat, Menachem Begin and Jimmy Carter holding hands and crossing a finish line while riding three conjoined unicorns airbrushed on the side), Kyle asked Amir, “Wait, wasn’t that the host of Tic Tac Doe in that diorama?”
“No,” Amir shot back. “That was Zbigniew Brzezinski, President Carter’s National Security Adviser.”
“Oh,” Kyle murmured with his head hanging low. “Well who was that guy behind the van with the Mad Rejuvenator machine?”
“MAD REJUVENATOR,” Amir exclaimed. “Describe this Mad Rejuvenator!”
Kyle described it as…
Redefining Comedy On The Web
Think Radiohead is the first to suggest you name your own price to listen to music? There is a service named SongSlide that allows users to do this. Comedic musician Jonathan Coulton is prolly the biggest musician on SongSlide.
In addition to letting fans name their own price, they also use Eventful, which lets fans alert their favorite artists of venues in their towns that are open for the artist to perform in. That way, the artist can perform in your town.
So Coulton has forged a new path for comedians; in the future, you can theoretically pay 2 dollars for David Cross’s new album and have him perform at the Yellow Star Revue in Central Bumplefuck.
Speaking of Bumplefuck, the mindset of said town needs to change its perceptions of black comedy. Tired of token black guys leaving work to continue mining the differences between blacks and whites, The Black Comedy Project aims to forge a new African-American comedy movement on the web in which comedians can nurture their own voices. Without making up a fear of swimming or a love of fat women.
I am especially moved by this. As a North African-American, I would like to be considered a comedian first, an artist second and an Egyptian third. Even if I decide to talk about the Arab-American experience, I prefer to steer clear of the “terrorist/hairy back” paradigm that seems all but obligatory in Arab-American comedy shows. I do not wish to be in the Hack-sis of Evil.
In addition to letting fans name their own price, they also use Eventful, which lets fans alert their favorite artists of venues in their towns that are open for the artist to perform in. That way, the artist can perform in your town.
So Coulton has forged a new path for comedians; in the future, you can theoretically pay 2 dollars for David Cross’s new album and have him perform at the Yellow Star Revue in Central Bumplefuck.
Speaking of Bumplefuck, the mindset of said town needs to change its perceptions of black comedy. Tired of token black guys leaving work to continue mining the differences between blacks and whites, The Black Comedy Project aims to forge a new African-American comedy movement on the web in which comedians can nurture their own voices. Without making up a fear of swimming or a love of fat women.
I am especially moved by this. As a North African-American, I would like to be considered a comedian first, an artist second and an Egyptian third. Even if I decide to talk about the Arab-American experience, I prefer to steer clear of the “terrorist/hairy back” paradigm that seems all but obligatory in Arab-American comedy shows. I do not wish to be in the Hack-sis of Evil.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 6
Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.
Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).
When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…
"A faggot with a heart of gold and a B.A. in Criminal Justice! Come on, we're going to White Castle."
“Figures, a queen wants to go to a castle.”
“Well what do you suggest?”
“Jessica Alba is in town giving a press conference.”
“Yes, so what do you wanna do?”
“Dude, I wanna ram my mayonnaise gun in her baloney taco.”
As Amir drove down the New Jersey Turnpike, he had a frightening moment of clarity. Time seemed to grind to a halt. Looking to his right, he saw mad scientist cackling in his Dodge Ram. The mad scientist beamed with pride as he looked at his custom-built...
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.
Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).
When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…
"A faggot with a heart of gold and a B.A. in Criminal Justice! Come on, we're going to White Castle."
“Figures, a queen wants to go to a castle.”
“Well what do you suggest?”
“Jessica Alba is in town giving a press conference.”
“Yes, so what do you wanna do?”
“Dude, I wanna ram my mayonnaise gun in her baloney taco.”
As Amir drove down the New Jersey Turnpike, he had a frightening moment of clarity. Time seemed to grind to a halt. Looking to his right, he saw mad scientist cackling in his Dodge Ram. The mad scientist beamed with pride as he looked at his custom-built...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 5
Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.
Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).
I'm goin' hungry...for something with a little "flava"
When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.
Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).
When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Interview With Bill Burr
Well readers, you know you've made it as a blogger when you get a free Bill Burr CD. I decided to interview Mr. Burr because:
a) he was a cast member in one of the best sketch shows in history (Chappelle's Show)
b) few contemporary white comedians can talk about race better than Burr
c) in the world of stand-up Burr has garnered a reputation as the Hendrix of taking down hecklers
d) (for the obvious-impaired)he's funny.
The reissue of his 2003 CD Emotionally Unavailable is on sale at What Are Records. Blah blah blah you still reading this? Scroll down to the interview already.
When you started out in comedy did you have your own voice already or did you find yourself imitating your heroes?
When I started out, I worked totally clean for the first year or two. I don’t know why I did. I think I just wanted crowds to like me, and I thought if I wasn’t dirty I wouldn’t get heckled as much. It took me a couple of years to find that my voice involved lacing all material with the f word and making stupid faces. That formula really helps if you’re trying to cover up an inability to write a joke.
Do you have any horror stories of starting out in comedy?
The biggest horror story I’ve had in comedy was living with Robert Kelly. The only thing I’ve found worse than that experience is having a conversation with Keith Robinson.
What definitive moment made you want to do stand-up? Did you watch David Brenner and decide that you wanted to do this for a living?
Watching comedians with my Dad and seeing him laugh made me want to be a comedian.
You were on Chappelle's Show for a few episodes. Have your ever done sketch before then?
I never did sketch before Chappelle’s Show. I never really looked at his show as a sketch show. It seemed more like we were making short movies.
You seem to have an obsession with strippers and hookers in your act. Why?
I love whores. Always have.
When is a joke racist and when is it politically incorrect?
I think it all comes down to intent. If you really mean what you’re saying the crowd will sense it and you’ll be in a tough situation. That’s why I’ve always hated when someone says that someone, “Can get away with…” doing certain material. “Getting away with” implies that you are saying something in a malicious way rather than just fucking around.
Once you were scheduled to appear on Human Giant, Aziz Ansari's show but you couldn't make it. Would you ever do an alternative comedy show?
I was on Human Giant. That is an incredible blow to me and my ego that you didn’t notice my 48 second interview with Aziz during their 24 hours marathon.
I wish I saw it. Can we expect any future TV cameos from you?
Well I know I'M expecting to be on TV some more. Let's just hope the people that make those decisions feel the same way.
You became a YouTube legend after a video was uploaded of
you giving an unruly Philadelphia audience a tongue-lashing. What are some tips on fending off drunken hecklers?
There are a bunch of different ways to go about it. But the basic theme is "Go fuck yourself." Greg Fitzsimmons is the best I've ever seen. I learned a lot watching him when I started out. He was the first guy I saw that didn't have some stock or prepared generic line for hecklers. He would take every situation as it came and would then, in a very personal and painful way, dissect the heckler's life. Not only would it shut the person up, no one else would yell out for the rest of the show.
What would you tell a comedian starting out trying to find his voice?
My advice to new comedians is: Get a catch phrase. That’s where the money is at. And if you can some how write an hour of material about the same subject, there will be no stopping you.
What other new comedians do you like?
As far as new comics in New York, I like Joe DeRosa, Jay Oakerson, and Kurt Metzger. I just moved to LA so I haven’t been out here long enough to know who’s doing what.
When can we expect a brand new album from you?
I'm shooting an hour long DVD next month in NYC. It will be in stores in 2008. I’m really excited about getting this next hour of material out there, blowing up, and being able to afford an assistant to pretend to be me and answer all my myspace emails. Until then I’ll continue to answer the 7 questions I get every three days.
If you could be on any TV comedy what would it be?
I want to be the guy that gets yelled at via satellite on one of those Left Wing/Right Wing talking head shows. I'm currently perfecting my "flabbergasted look" when I can't interject my feelings on how the world should be run.
PREVIOUSLY:
Bill Burr rants on MySpace
a) he was a cast member in one of the best sketch shows in history (Chappelle's Show)
b) few contemporary white comedians can talk about race better than Burr
c) in the world of stand-up Burr has garnered a reputation as the Hendrix of taking down hecklers
d) (for the obvious-impaired)he's funny.
The reissue of his 2003 CD Emotionally Unavailable is on sale at What Are Records. Blah blah blah you still reading this? Scroll down to the interview already.
When you started out in comedy did you have your own voice already or did you find yourself imitating your heroes?
When I started out, I worked totally clean for the first year or two. I don’t know why I did. I think I just wanted crowds to like me, and I thought if I wasn’t dirty I wouldn’t get heckled as much. It took me a couple of years to find that my voice involved lacing all material with the f word and making stupid faces. That formula really helps if you’re trying to cover up an inability to write a joke.
Do you have any horror stories of starting out in comedy?
The biggest horror story I’ve had in comedy was living with Robert Kelly. The only thing I’ve found worse than that experience is having a conversation with Keith Robinson.
What definitive moment made you want to do stand-up? Did you watch David Brenner and decide that you wanted to do this for a living?
Watching comedians with my Dad and seeing him laugh made me want to be a comedian.
You were on Chappelle's Show for a few episodes. Have your ever done sketch before then?
I never did sketch before Chappelle’s Show. I never really looked at his show as a sketch show. It seemed more like we were making short movies.
You seem to have an obsession with strippers and hookers in your act. Why?
I love whores. Always have.
When is a joke racist and when is it politically incorrect?
I think it all comes down to intent. If you really mean what you’re saying the crowd will sense it and you’ll be in a tough situation. That’s why I’ve always hated when someone says that someone, “Can get away with…” doing certain material. “Getting away with” implies that you are saying something in a malicious way rather than just fucking around.
Once you were scheduled to appear on Human Giant, Aziz Ansari's show but you couldn't make it. Would you ever do an alternative comedy show?
I was on Human Giant. That is an incredible blow to me and my ego that you didn’t notice my 48 second interview with Aziz during their 24 hours marathon.
I wish I saw it. Can we expect any future TV cameos from you?
Well I know I'M expecting to be on TV some more. Let's just hope the people that make those decisions feel the same way.
You became a YouTube legend after a video was uploaded of
you giving an unruly Philadelphia audience a tongue-lashing. What are some tips on fending off drunken hecklers?
There are a bunch of different ways to go about it. But the basic theme is "Go fuck yourself." Greg Fitzsimmons is the best I've ever seen. I learned a lot watching him when I started out. He was the first guy I saw that didn't have some stock or prepared generic line for hecklers. He would take every situation as it came and would then, in a very personal and painful way, dissect the heckler's life. Not only would it shut the person up, no one else would yell out for the rest of the show.
What would you tell a comedian starting out trying to find his voice?
My advice to new comedians is: Get a catch phrase. That’s where the money is at. And if you can some how write an hour of material about the same subject, there will be no stopping you.
What other new comedians do you like?
As far as new comics in New York, I like Joe DeRosa, Jay Oakerson, and Kurt Metzger. I just moved to LA so I haven’t been out here long enough to know who’s doing what.
When can we expect a brand new album from you?
I'm shooting an hour long DVD next month in NYC. It will be in stores in 2008. I’m really excited about getting this next hour of material out there, blowing up, and being able to afford an assistant to pretend to be me and answer all my myspace emails. Until then I’ll continue to answer the 7 questions I get every three days.
If you could be on any TV comedy what would it be?
I want to be the guy that gets yelled at via satellite on one of those Left Wing/Right Wing talking head shows. I'm currently perfecting my "flabbergasted look" when I can't interject my feelings on how the world should be run.
PREVIOUSLY:
Bill Burr rants on MySpace
Friday, October 05, 2007
Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 4
Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.
Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone…
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.
Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone…
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 3
Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio,______________
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.
But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?
Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio,______________
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 2
Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw____
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw____
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
The Opposite Of Comedy
If comedy is when someone expresses pain and anguish to make people laugh, then the opposite is when people laugh to make other people cringe and writhe in unfathomable horror.
Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal
Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to __________.
PREVIOUSLY:
Moby Schtick: The World's Longest Joke
No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to __________.
PREVIOUSLY:
Moby Schtick: The World's Longest Joke
Monday, October 01, 2007
Late To The Party (But High)
These are things I’ve been drinking in with the pleasure of a whirling dervish the past few weeks, but haven’t had the time to praise.
Upright Citizens’ Brigade, Season 2 DVD
The modern TV sketch comedy revolution began in earnest with The State in 1994 and continued with Mr. Show, which ended its run in 1998. That’s when the UCB came to the rescue. Besides the tasty trimmings (live audience Q&A, deleted scenes) what’s truly remarkable is how little the episodes have aged. Indeed, it’s as if the Del Close disciples saw into the future of comedy and recorded it for the 20th century (yes, I just wrote “indeed.”). A pleasure unique to the UCB series is trying to figure out the theme of each episode. I swear the theme of one episode is “everybody gets zapped.”
Though all the episodes are remarkable, the one where Matt Besser tosses throwing stars with a limp wrist is a work of “super-cool” genius.
Challengers, The New Pornographers
It is almost hackneyed at this stage to disparage a Pitchfork review, but they really lost their aim on this one. Most of the songs are lambasted for having “flat” or “awkward” structure. Does this mean that all songs must conform to the standard Pop Hook Style Manual? The subdued nature of this album is a welcome departure from their sunny, twee pop anthems (much as I worship them like the alien Canadian relics they are). Each song sounds like the season finale of a great TV show where a hot couple breaks up in time for sweeps week. I imagine Dawson and Joey breaking up during “Challengers” and Pacey and Joey breaking up during “The Spirit of Giving In.”
Strawberry Jam, Animal Collective
If liking this album makes me a hipster, then I’ll wear that ringer tee with the accompanying horn rimmed glasses. If loving “Peacebone” makes me an art fag, then I suppose I will have to pose for those Robert Mapplethorpe photos. If writing a rave review of Animal Collective is the most hack thing a blogger can do, then get ready for a slew of wacky cat pictures and anti-Bush screeds.
Upright Citizens’ Brigade, Season 2 DVD
The modern TV sketch comedy revolution began in earnest with The State in 1994 and continued with Mr. Show, which ended its run in 1998. That’s when the UCB came to the rescue. Besides the tasty trimmings (live audience Q&A, deleted scenes) what’s truly remarkable is how little the episodes have aged. Indeed, it’s as if the Del Close disciples saw into the future of comedy and recorded it for the 20th century (yes, I just wrote “indeed.”). A pleasure unique to the UCB series is trying to figure out the theme of each episode. I swear the theme of one episode is “everybody gets zapped.”
Though all the episodes are remarkable, the one where Matt Besser tosses throwing stars with a limp wrist is a work of “super-cool” genius.
Challengers, The New Pornographers
It is almost hackneyed at this stage to disparage a Pitchfork review, but they really lost their aim on this one. Most of the songs are lambasted for having “flat” or “awkward” structure. Does this mean that all songs must conform to the standard Pop Hook Style Manual? The subdued nature of this album is a welcome departure from their sunny, twee pop anthems (much as I worship them like the alien Canadian relics they are). Each song sounds like the season finale of a great TV show where a hot couple breaks up in time for sweeps week. I imagine Dawson and Joey breaking up during “Challengers” and Pacey and Joey breaking up during “The Spirit of Giving In.”
Strawberry Jam, Animal Collective
If liking this album makes me a hipster, then I’ll wear that ringer tee with the accompanying horn rimmed glasses. If loving “Peacebone” makes me an art fag, then I suppose I will have to pose for those Robert Mapplethorpe photos. If writing a rave review of Animal Collective is the most hack thing a blogger can do, then get ready for a slew of wacky cat pictures and anti-Bush screeds.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Egyptian Deductive Logic Comedy Hour
I am Egyptian
There is a product called Egyptian Magic
It is a cream
You do the math
You sure you don't want to wipe my Egyptian cream off your face?
There is a product called Egyptian Magic
It is a cream
You do the math
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
America To Dane Cook: Fuck Chuck
Our great nation is like Tina Turner—constantly in love with these abusive, cocky Ike Turners before waking up and showing those broke-ass jive turkeys the door. Except, unlike The GILF Goddess, America’s too late. The Bush Backlash began two years ago—after he was reelected, natch. Now Dane Cook has flopped at the box office yet again with Good Luck Chuck. But he’s still the Mayor of MySpace.
Why is the Cook-Alba sex romp such a bomb?
Two reasons:
"Both of them know how to a deliver a joke," she began. "Dane has lived funny. Larry [David] knows funny and just is funny. You know what I mean? And the beauty of working with Larry is that there's no script. With Dane and I, because it was a script we had to make it seem like it was unfolding. We had to work a little harder to get the spontaneity, but we didn't mind doing the work."
So he has difficulty thinking of jokes? He cansteal write jokes, but when asked to think of one on the spot, he caterwauls and prances like a Russian disco instructor.
Second reason:
Theory Number Two—Nobody Wants to See Him with Hot Goofy Chicks: Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot. My dad has a crush on her. She can happily tell you that her tooth is fake, point it out and somehow still look like a glamazon. She's happy-hot, too. When Dane made one of his offbeat references to The Wizard of Oz at the premiere, she laughed, "Where does he get these references? I don't even think of them!"
"I don't know," he said. "I'm inspired by you and your shiny dress."
So goes the pattern for Dane. Team up with a hot chick who has yet to make a big romantic comedy—Jessica Simpson and Alba—and make them crack up. It's a noble cause, but Dane's fans are not gonna pay to see him swap spit with hot nice-seeming twentysomethings. He would have better box office if he romanced an elder hot chick, like maybe Goldie Hawn. Don't you agree?
What? You mean sexy people aren't funny? What's not to laugh at? Dude with pecs shoots his wad on more snatch than Guy Ritchie? I mean come on, look at the central conflict--guy gets girls, guy doesn't get one girl, guy eventually gets one girl. If you can't empathize, you oughtta be smacked by Ike Turner.
Why is the Cook-Alba sex romp such a bomb?
Two reasons:
"Both of them know how to a deliver a joke," she began. "Dane has lived funny. Larry [David] knows funny and just is funny. You know what I mean? And the beauty of working with Larry is that there's no script. With Dane and I, because it was a script we had to make it seem like it was unfolding. We had to work a little harder to get the spontaneity, but we didn't mind doing the work."
So he has difficulty thinking of jokes? He can
Second reason:
Theory Number Two—Nobody Wants to See Him with Hot Goofy Chicks: Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot. My dad has a crush on her. She can happily tell you that her tooth is fake, point it out and somehow still look like a glamazon. She's happy-hot, too. When Dane made one of his offbeat references to The Wizard of Oz at the premiere, she laughed, "Where does he get these references? I don't even think of them!"
"I don't know," he said. "I'm inspired by you and your shiny dress."
So goes the pattern for Dane. Team up with a hot chick who has yet to make a big romantic comedy—Jessica Simpson and Alba—and make them crack up. It's a noble cause, but Dane's fans are not gonna pay to see him swap spit with hot nice-seeming twentysomethings. He would have better box office if he romanced an elder hot chick, like maybe Goldie Hawn. Don't you agree?
What? You mean sexy people aren't funny? What's not to laugh at? Dude with pecs shoots his wad on more snatch than Guy Ritchie? I mean come on, look at the central conflict--guy gets girls, guy doesn't get one girl, guy eventually gets one girl. If you can't empathize, you oughtta be smacked by Ike Turner.
Remembrance Of Videos Past #50: Joe Public, “Live and Learn”
I love that old saw, “You’ve got to live and learn.” But every time I say it, this terrible New Jack Swing monstrosity comes to mind. Worst part about it is my girlfriend and I are the only ones who remember this song and we both hate it.
Much as I abhor this shitty ditty, I confess I am enamored with those backward trumpet samples. Like Terminator X is on the 1 and 2.
Still, the band’s name is Joe Public, which is fitting because the band is as unrecognizable as your average Joe Public or Joe Scmoe.
Much as I abhor this shitty ditty, I confess I am enamored with those backward trumpet samples. Like Terminator X is on the 1 and 2.
Still, the band’s name is Joe Public, which is fitting because the band is as unrecognizable as your average Joe Public or Joe Scmoe.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
What Ahmadinejad Said Off-Stage At Columbia University
Yeah, we all know, Ahmadinejad, president of Iran, said there are no gays in Iran and that the Holocaust didn’t happen during his little press junket at Columbia University. But if you think that was shocking, you have no idea what was overheard coming out of his bilious, hairy mouth when he toured the rest of the campus.
Student Union: We don’t have wacky, college humor newspapers in Iran. Well, except for The HA!-locaust. It’s like our version of The Onion with funny fake news stories about the fake Holocaust
Library: We have no Internet in Iran. Only Sega CDs with looped footage of my speeches.
What is this Night Trap you speak of?
Science Building: Oh, so that’s what uranium is. I thought it was an aquarium filled with piss.
Frat Party: Awww, man. Why you gotta lip the blunt like that? It’s like you’re an Iranian male prostitute swallowing the firm, thick, veiny penis of a tough Middle Eastern leader who likes wearing Member’s Only jackets. What?
You ladies really need to wash your burkas. Am I right, fellas?
Student Union: We don’t have wacky, college humor newspapers in Iran. Well, except for The HA!-locaust. It’s like our version of The Onion with funny fake news stories about the fake Holocaust
Library: We have no Internet in Iran. Only Sega CDs with looped footage of my speeches.
Science Building: Oh, so that’s what uranium is. I thought it was an aquarium filled with piss.
Frat Party: Awww, man. Why you gotta lip the blunt like that? It’s like you’re an Iranian male prostitute swallowing the firm, thick, veiny penis of a tough Middle Eastern leader who likes wearing Member’s Only jackets. What?
Monday, September 24, 2007
My 500th Post On This Site
On the one hand, I feel this is a self-congratulatory post. Having said that, I can’t let it go unnoticed. Here’s a clip show of all the best posts from April of aught six to today:
Yeah Yeah No
How Punk Became a 30 Year Old MySpace Creep
Hot Rock Genres
A Guide to Geeks, Nerds, Dorks and Herbs
The Top 40 Blogs By and For Comedians
Could This Be the Most Unintentionally Funny Season of "24" Yet?
Passive-Aggressive Copy Editor Replies To Jokes E-Mailed To Her
Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA
Tricornered Hats Lead To Musket Wounds
Yeah Yeah No
How Punk Became a 30 Year Old MySpace Creep
Hot Rock Genres
A Guide to Geeks, Nerds, Dorks and Herbs
The Top 40 Blogs By and For Comedians
Could This Be the Most Unintentionally Funny Season of "24" Yet?
Passive-Aggressive Copy Editor Replies To Jokes E-Mailed To Her
Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA
Tricornered Hats Lead To Musket Wounds
Friday, September 21, 2007
Mundane Dream Journal: Britney’s Toxic DVD
After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.
I had a dream that I was watching a Britney Spears movie on DVD that was so bad, I stopped watching it and did some work from home. This represents my repressed desire to shit on my estranged father’s chest.
I had a dream that I was watching a Britney Spears movie on DVD that was so bad, I stopped watching it and did some work from home. This represents my repressed desire to shit on my estranged father’s chest.
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