In The Future Everything Will Play Music

We thought we would be able to talk to computers about love in the 21 century. Now in the 21st century we use computers to download music.

We expected to see who we were talking to on the phone in the 21st century. Now in 21 century we listen to music on cell phones.




Man oh man do we love music. In the future everything will play music

We may see a future with mutants and space travel but it will be nothing like we expected.

"Hey man I'm gonna go to lunar colonies of Titan to watch Nightcrawler wail away on his throbbing musical phallus."

Even the war games of the future will have music

"The Chinese have the nuclear football."
"So? All nations have nuclear weapons in the 22nd century."
"No no; this nuclear football plays an endless loop of Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music at 800 decibels."
"Oh my God! Oh my pagan God!"

World Cinema: Turkish Wizard of Oz

I am 1/4 Turkish so I can say without a shred of PC guilt that Turkish versions of American movies are fucking ridiculous. There's always a huger version of the American counterparts. Turkish Spider Man had a beer gut. In this acraptation of the Wizard of Oz both Dorothy and the dog are larger.

Things to look for:


* Dorothy lives not in a farmhouse but in an apartment with yellow walls

* Scarecrow has no fingers and seems very flamboyant

* Instead of a looming green head projected on a screen Oz is a skull

New Gag Reel

Friends is lot funnier than you think (so are computers); Thank God You're Here may not be improv, but staged; and Mr. Sprinkles continues his reign of terror on VH-1. All this plus overdue DVD picks from last week on The Gag Reel.

Mind Blowing Reggie Watts Interview in Apiary

You describe the current format with which you've found recent success as "disinformation." Can you explain what that is?
Sure. I started calling myself a "disinformationist" because I was kind of inspired by situationism, which was studied by a French guy called Guy Debord in the fifties or sixties, if I'm not mistaken. It was this artistic movement that turned quasi-political, but their whole thing was, in a nutshell, that they were practical jokers. Their whole mission was to provoke to the edge of violence, but just before violence occurred.

Bullshit/Bulltrue

I made a new game called Bullshit/Bulltrue. It's like Blufr except it's less addicting. Simply guess if the news item is true and click on the link to see if you are right.

The Black Crowes are coming out with their own salad dressing. Called "Hot to Handle," the dressing will feature 420 herbs. None of them will be marijuana, but there is hemp in the dressing.

If Shit Were A Beer

It would be spelled Schitt

Zen Jokewriting Journal

Okay here comes some funny shit. My car is starting to smell like feet. Sweaty, athletic feet. Love the mixture of disgust and admiration in that. I am typing on my laptop while laying down. I never mind. My arm is tired and baseball season has nothing to do with it. I wonder if instead of a tooth fairy there's a fairy who pours maple syrup on your neck. Grime rapper Dizzee Rascal belongs to the future. He's like a villain in a Frank Miller graphic novel. Mo money mo problems. Every time I tell myself to breathe deep I hear that shitty Anna Nalick song. Subsequently I hold my breath and try to think of something else. Does a vampire ice cream shop serve blood syrup. Nevermind; fairy department.

Remembrance of Videos Past #44; Izzy Stradlin, "Shuffle it All"

So that's what Keith Richards looks like with skin. Yes the rhythm guitarist for Guns and Roses left the band and went solo. Not Slash, Izzy the rhythm guitarist. Man could he keep a good rhythm. All I remember about this video is looking at it behind my issue of Circus reading abut the next GN'R album. The new albums kept being called fake names in Circus magazine. Before Use Your Illusion I and II were the titles, the two albums had names like Pickled Lemons I and II and Islamic Democracy.

Peter Parker At The Daily Bugle Staff Meeting

Jonah Jameson: As you may have heard, Jordin Sparks performed at a right to life concert. Did you get in contact with the Arizona Right to Life people yet?



Mary Jane: Yeah I just need artwork (glances at Peter Parker)







Peter Parker: Sorry, I've just been following the Oscorp softball playoffs.









(whispers)We talked about this Peter...











You've been following a company softball game? While those Gothamist fucktards have been covering Braunstein you've been sniffing out Oscorp press releases like a customs dog in Pablo Escobar's asshole?






To be fair Peter's all over the Spiderman premiere.





Please Mary I can defend myself.









Do you know how close I am to having my fist hit the desk?






Um, well is anyone gonna cover the Tribeca Film Festival fiasco?









Now that's a pitch. I want you to call the DA's office...








For a film festival?











I just realized Oscorp owns Sony, which is releasing the Spiderman movie.








On second thought let me leave my fist here, perfectly aligned with your revoltingly chiseled face.




Wow I'm famished. Let's fax an order to Panera.









They're gonna have free turkey dogs at the softball game...

Sean Crespo Will Teach You How To

eat a banana.

Apiary Column

Read my apiary column

Oh and wish the Apiary a happy birthday while you're there. It's never too late...actually it is too late. An hour and twenty-five minutes too late.

Too Lazy To Write A Joke Because My Piece Of Shit Editorial Job Is Sucking My Soul Or As Pretentious Francophiles Might Say My Elan

Because

Sad

Because

Funny

Because

Shitty NRA-Approved Bon Jovi Parody About VTech

Shots in the hall
And guns get the blame
VA Tech give guns
A bad name
I bring my gun
And my beer to the range
VA Tech gives guns
A bad name

Bitergate: Mencia Steals From Russel Peters

Supermaneesh gives us the scoop (via Digg)

My 400th Post on this Blog

For the headline illiterate, this is my 400th post at this address. Previously I wrote at this address. I think the new blog is a lot better. A look back at some of the highlights:

Fun With Military Jargon

Weirdest Umbrella Ever

Hot Rock Genres

Puppet Chic

Future Rebranding of VH-1

The Rudest Pan-Asian Cuisine Menu

Hey New York Times...

O My Gawd I Got To See Disturbia

It just looks good. Like I love that title Disturbia. It sounds like how I imagine it would feel like if you were Richard Gere kissing a Bollywood starlet with a crazed fat gerbil jammed in your coin slot. And that name: Shia LeBouf. Now when I'm on the eastbound expressway and some douche drop cuts me off I scream "SHIA LEBOUF" instead of screaming "SHIT" or "Mike Hammer." Then I leave myself a voicemail in which I whisper "Disturbia" over and over again and smile. Oh and anyone who prefers "Rear Window" is a film school faggot.

This preview has been approved for everybody but film school faggots.

Hey Pop Music...

STOP BEING SO PUERILE! All this My humps My humps ballyhoo! Whatever happened to the classics? Like "Put It in Your Mouth" "Pop That Pussy" "Dreams of Fucking an R&B Dick"?
Now that was a message you could really get behind.

New College Humor Show

Worth it for the title alone.

">

I'm at the Apiary

Deal with it

Remembrance of Videos Past #43: Various Artists, "Hands Across America"

You know how you do something so stupid that you wince 20 years later? The same thing happens to nations. The levels of corniness here are more layered than a Mutt Lange song.

First of all, the notion that an unbroken link of people holding hands across America was feasible is just durrr (anything is possible, but the Knicks have a better chance of winning the US Open). Also, Robin "Hackazoid" Williams brought a joy buzzer. Hyuk hyuk. Even before the Bobby McFerrin video he was a wild card.

The hacks across America that it inspired during the comedy boom - now that's something else. "We Are the World" was also lampooned, but David Cross can reference that song without blank stares. "The Simpsons" referenced "Hands" in '92, but what doesn't that show reference? Nowadays only shitty comedies like Beerfest, Biodome and "My Name is Earl" reference the song.

Right, a personal anecdote: some girl in my fourth grade class made a lame joke holding hands with her female friend; she sang "Hands Across the Classroom." Sad thing is, it was unfunny because it made more sense.

Yes you are reading a comedian's rant about "Hands Across America" 21 years later. I do not want to pull at this thread.

How sappy is this video? There's only a snippet on YouTube that isn't even 30-seconds long. Get ready for the only Lily Tomlin video more embarrassing than the Huckabees episode.

On the bright side, I remember why Kathleen Turner used to give me a boner. Because she was a pre-transgendered female back then with a functioning larynx.

This blog wants to pick a fight with u

What the fuck? What did you fucking say about not giving you enough links? Got something to say? Say it in the fucking comments. What did you say about the word "fuck?" Huh?

You want some hard fucking news? Fine Mary Tyler Moore: get out your fucking tape recorder and press badge. This one's an exclusive:

Editorial: Fuck Face, 1931-2007
A contradictory figure in world politics, Fuck Face should be remembered for the reforms he launched.

Fuckfacia today is not the Fuck Face Union of old, Pussyqueer Poontang notwithstanding. For that, you can both thank and curse Fuck Face, who died Monday at age 76.

Oh wait: the story needs artwork:



Sorry about the resolution.

Oh wow. Nevermind - I thought you were someone completely different.
I like your blog too.

O.K. : The Movie

Reading the origin story about the expression "O.K." inspired me to pitch a movie about it (I didn't mean to make fun of you for being rich). "O.K." stands for "oll korrect" and was used as a rallying cry in Martin Van Buren's campaign as well as a corrupt Tammany Hall. So I guess political corruption is O.K. after all.

I'm not sure who would star but John C. Reilly would have to be in the film.

Oskar Kontender

Though I sincerely think an interesting short film could be made about the etymology, I really want to see the reviews:

O.K. is more than O.K.; it's an "owesome klassic."

O.K. is a K.O.

O.Kaaaaaaaay.

Jessica Alba: Comedy Nerd Cocktease

Alt comedy nerds love that she's gracing "The Ten" with her lovely, pan-ethnic presence.



Dane Cook fanboys daydream about Alba sucking their magical sex scepter so she can find Mr. Right.



Who's it gonna be: Paul Rudd or Dane Cook? Those who saw "Wet Hot American Summer" know the answer.

My Apiary Column

Is here

As a Comedian and a Web Editor for a Newspaper

Yesterday was the worst fucking day of my life.


RIP

Facetime Gets Facetime

Fellow Apiary contributor Becky Cilleti made the cover of the LA Times.

Its cursive-scrawled pages hold Becky Ciletti's most intimate pubescent thoughts and secrets. The 39-year-old freelance writer came to this bar on a rainy April night to read the mostly embarrassing excerpts — food-fighting, French-kissing, babe-loving and all — to nearly 100 strangers. She wrote the first entry in 1980, when she was 12.

Feb. 7:

We didn't have school because of the snow today. I miss Kelly. I don't know why, because I've seen him all week except for today. P.S. Please help me to be more mature and help me to fill out my bra.

The audience howled with laughter.

In other news, my journal entry made the front page of this blog.

What Do Terrorism and Super Mario Have in Common?

Don't know, but as a Sonic fan I feel vindicated.

World Cinema: Sexi Babushka

In this segment I look at world cinema on YouTube. Today we'll look at Ukranian comedy. NSFW (MOST WORK)

Poo Tee Weet

Poo tee weet.

My Talent Crush on Joe Rogan is Now in Full Bloom

Some blame springtime. I thank Dead Frog for helping me find my chiseled knight in shining talent armor. You always get a talent crush on the one you least expect. I assumed I would fall for Patton Oswalt or Michael Showater. Anybody but a former host of "Fear Factor" and a UFC dude. But my heart skipped a beat when I saw him take down Mencia. This Dead Frog interview has catapulted me into full blown infatuation with Rogan's comedy. Watch your back Redban.

Remembrance of Videos Past #42: "Wonderbug"

If the Sid and Marty Krofft shows were LSD, this show was the most persistent, yet vague flashback. I remember watching this theme song and jumping up in the bed at age two as if I were in the bug. Unlike the other Krofft shows (Liddsville, Space Nuts) this one did not go into syndication. The last year it aired was 1978, making this theme song one of my earliest memories. Funny how pop culture shit takes you back more than the gold. The gold is always revisited by pop culture historians whereas the shit is not revisited until the last time it made its tiny dent in the American psyche . WARNING: this song is not pretty. It's like someone made it up off the top of his head.

How To Build Your Own Interrogation Room

There are nagging questions and there are nagging questions. What do you do when, say, a friend calls you "chief" and you want to know if he's being ironic or not? Or if he even is a he? Just make your own interrogation room. It's a lot easier than you think!

1) The less room, the better. A classic beginners' mistake is to assume that you need to build a new room. Nope; the computer room is good enough. Just make sure your subject is blindfolded and cover the whole carpet with plastic floor mats. Or cover the plastic floor mats with rugs.

2) A mirror is important; two-way or one-way. You know how the suspect always cracks wise about how he knows the mirror is a one-way glass and he knows the cops are on the other side? Good; after you take the blindfold off, the suspect, deceived by the new floor mats, will think he's in a bona-fide interrogation room with a one-way glass. Deny it so he believes that the mirror is a one-way mirror. He'll never suspect the plush whale with a video camera on top of its head.


3) Get a spare chair and/or table. Throwing furniture is not as easy as it looks. Even after you avoid giving yourself a inguinal hernia or a slipped disk, you may still damage your chair. Sure you'll feel like Jack Bauer but you might not be able to sit down and enjoy the feeling after you break your swivel chair. So make sure to run to Staples and buy a simple folding chair and pick up a chrome dinette from wherever fine dinettes are sold.

4) Scopolamine is overrated. You might watch "24" and think that serums like scopolamine are necessary to win the war on error. There's a much easier substance that flys under the liberal watchdog radar: antique soda. Go on eBay and buy some old bottles of some obsolete beverage like Diet Rite or Crystal Pepsi. Then offer the suspect a drink. One sip of the flat, lukewarm soft drink will make him cough up the truth. Of course, threatening to inject the detainee with Tab will yield more results.


So all you need are plastic floor mats, a mirror, a folding chair, needles, a plush whale, a video camera, antique sodas and a chrome dinette and you can have your own private Gitmo. The only question your friend won't be able to answer is why you didn't do this sooner.

Found Humor: Freeze Lame

Found Humor is a new column in which I post things that I find that are funny. These things are either unintentionally funny or slightly funny (ie, a droll Wikipedia entry).

My coworker Cathy found this video on YouTube.

Sarcasting #3

Hey Mobile TV Developers...

If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again. If you need help please dial the operator. TV networks must be insecure to think that less and less kids watch TV and more and more kids watch their cell phones. Maybe they are flocking to the World Wide Web, but not to their wireless provider. I ain't watching any supplemental episodes of "24" on my cell phone. Like that show needs supplements. Cuz we need to know what Jack Bauer does between 8:59 AM and 9:00 AM. Is that why they are always using cell phones in "24"? To catch up with the plot?

I can't hear myself talk in my own mobisode. DAMMIT!

Of course some people inisist comedy is perfect for mobile phones. It's quick and to the point. Point taken. But this idea will work when the iPhone comes out. And that's just because it will be like a mobile computer. Where I can download shows off iTunes or stream them from the network websites. But this idea of original cell phone content produced for cell phones? The only demographic you're gonna reach in this country is the obnoxious fucktard who wants to show off their cell phone demographic. Maybe there's a comedic genius out there who's a cross between Jacques Tati and Buster Keaton who's gonna make a brilliant cell phone comedy called "The Thimble vs. The Shaker of Salt," brilliantly utilizing the 1 inch cell phone screen for subtle sight gags and new ways of looking at comedy. But do you think for a second that Verizon or Cingular will bankroll this kind of comedy? Or will they only have room in the budget for "Valley Girl Meathead Poolside Awesomenity!"

Lastly, I think being a cell phone celebrity is the lowest form of celebrity imaginable. I write for The Apiary. I know enough people who don't understand the significance of this, even though it is easily one of the most important comedy websites - let alone blogs - on the Internet. Try telling people you have a hit cell phone show. Eventually your cell phone will say "Life failed" instead of "Call failed."

Honey I got my own mobile phone sitcom! Now I get free nights and weekends!

Mundane Dream Journal: Template

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I had a dream that I was looking at my blog and someone changed my blog template design without my permission. I wasn't mad I was just surprised someone could do that without my permission. This dream represents my repressed desire to freebase cocaine.

Remembrance of Videos Past #41: Dire Straits, "Walk of Life"

During fifth grade the DARE officers would come to our classroom and tell us how drugs wreak havoc on people's souls. One time they decided this message was beyond verbal didacticism and they played this video of sports bloopers. If they needed a video of sports bloopers with a midtempo rock sountrack to keep kids off drugs, then DARE was in dire straits indeed.

Yes, you just saw a barefoot guitarist.

Rebuttal to Article Announcing My Death

Comedian Dead at Age 36
Why the generic word comedian? Can't you use my full name?

On March 31st, 2012, comedian and blogger Mo Diggs was gored by a rhinoceros's horn in the Congo.
I hope this guy spelled rhinoceros right. I don't get Merriam-Webster in...where am I anyway?

An enthusiast of jungle safari tours-
Whaa? I get dragged to those by my friends. I don't even like the web browser Safari.

Mo Diggs's death has had an incredible impact on the comedy community.
Wow that's nice I guess.

Andrew Dice Clay said he was one of the best comedians ever.
I've never even met Dice.

"I seen him at the Parkside open mike on Saturday. He was so good I wish I didn't take a shit behind the stage during his set."
So that's what smelled like leather and shit.

Diggs also had a lot of respect in the blogging community with his own blog and his column for The Apiary. Apiary Editor-in-Chief Nate Sloan says, “Get a breakout title like ‘Chappelle’s Show,’ and sell three million copies on DVD at $25 apiece, and you’ll find 75 million reasons for MTV to invest in comedy."
Wait that quote was from the Human Giant article. The NY Times really needs a better copy editor.

Most readers will remember him for his work in "Human Giant"-
That's Aziz Ansari!

as well as his minor role in 13 Going on 30-
That's Maz Jobrani

and his Oscar-winning breakout role in Dreamgirls-
I really need to edit my Wikipedia entry.

Even in death though Mo Diggs has made people laugh.
Oh?

Yeah, Ebaum's World has the video of the fateful rhino attack on its front page.
Was it not good enough for College Humor? That's the last time I smoke a cigarette with you, Streeter Seidell!

Comedian Award-winning comic and friend of Diggs, RG Daniels, remembers him fondly.
Wow that's cool. It's a quote so they can't mess this up.

"Mo died way too soon. He had so much potential. Just a few more years and he would have been funny."

Reimagining Weird Al Yankovich as a Racially Conscious, Self-Loathing Middle Eastern Satirist

Source material:


Parody:

They tried to make me be an A-rab
I said no no no
Yes I've been black
They took my doo rag
I said no no no
Maybe if I had some time
I would change my mind
They tried to make me be an A-rab
I said no no no

I'd rather be white or gay
Than pray to Allah five times a day
I hate my race; I'm so whitebread
If I were a rab, I'd turn myself in to the Feds

If I were black I'd get more cooze
Being an Arab only gets you more babbaghanouge

Pharoahe Monch Remix:

They tried to make me be an A-rab
I said no no no
UUUH!!! PHAROAHE MONCH!!! THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME AN A-RAB! TRIED TO BUY ME SCA-RABS! GOT SO ADDICTED THEY TOOK ME TO REHAB! I TOLD THEM PUNKS TO THROW IT ON MY BAR TAB! PHAROAHE MONCH WITH A BRAND NEW SLAB OF BEEF! THAT MOROCCAN KEEF! THAT IS ARAB; WHY NOT MY TEETH! WHY NOT MY SCUBA DIVE AT THE CORAL REEF! WHY NOT MY INDIAN FRIEND RAJIV!

Bateman's Back, Man

Scott Bateman of Bateman 365 has a new cartoon that is like MST3K but in cartoon form which means only the dialogue is used from the source material.

My Column in The Apiary

I have a flu so I will not post any new posts today. Here is a rerun: my Apiary column from yesterday.

The Worst Rap Couplet I've Inadvertently Thought Of

X marks the spot
Sex marks the hot

New Abstract Beings Reinforce Positive Behaviors

In trying to find my own unique comic voice I stumbled upon a book called I am a Strange Loop by Douglas Hofstadter. It's a book that comes closer than any other to coming up with a science of self and consciousness. In one of the chapters Hofstadter elucidates the connection between other people and the self.

It is through language most of all that our brains can exert a fair measure of indirect control over other humans' bodies...in that sense, then, my brain is attached to your body in somewhat the same way as it is to my body.

If God is not real, then He is the greatest example of language exerting influence in history. Santa Clause is a close second. Both of these archetypal figures reinforce our best (or arguably our worst behaviors in God's case) behaviors by conditioning us. God promises heaven to the righteous, Santa promises cashmere sweaters to the obedient. But the indirect influence of God and Santa Clause is lost on adult atheists. Thus I'd like to introduce you, the jaded, sophisticated reader, to new, phenomenal beings that exert mind control a positive influence.

Vern the Voyeur
Whenever you masturbate, a spirit in the room named Vern the Voyeur watches. He comes on to you (no pun intended) like a creep. "Yeah that's it, keep rubbing that motion lotion till I see that peter colada shoot out your diddleduster!" This legendary apparition cures people of excessive masturbation and pina colada addiction.


Harriet the Hype Hag
Whenever you find a joke unfunny there's Harriet the Hype Hag intimidating you to laugh in social situations by insinuating that your brain is not sophisticated enough to get the joke. "C'mon! Do you really have trouble getting 'Rover gave her a bone of her own?'" This "voice" is actually an evolutionary mechanism in case you get dragged to a Carlos Mencia show so you laugh before he calls you dee-dee-dee for not getting his joke. Indeed, he stole Harriet's whole act.

"Never Fuck a Cat" Ned
If you don't have this voice in your head you've got major issues.

A Look at How Cat Parasites Affect Human Culture Through the Monocle of Comedy

T. gondii infects both wild and domestic cats, but it is carried by many warm-blooded mammals...Other studies have also found links between the parasite and schizophrenia.

In related news, many Middle Eastern families own three or more cats.

courtesy of discoweasel
(Full disclosure: I am Middle Eastern, which might explain why I'm neurotic [from the article: "The parasite is thought to have different, and often opposite effects in men versus women, but both genders appear to develop a form of neuroticism called 'guilt proneness.'"])

Strangest Comedy Friendship I've Heard of yet

Here's what Larry the Cable Guy said in a recent interview with Punchline Magazine:

Bill Hicks and I were friends, too. Bill Hicks thought I was hilarious. And if there was anybody that were polar opposites, it was me and him. But Bill Hicks was friends with all us Blue Collar guys. I know him and Jeff Foxworthy, as a matter of fact, were really good friends and he was a huge fan of Jeff’s. And so there are different styles of stand-up. And some comedians can be friends and disagree and some comedians can’t. I’m one of the ones that can disagree and be friends with people.

Wow. Goes to show that the world of comedy is small and, unlike in music, where Conor Oberst probably avoids hanging out with Chris Daughtry, comedians almost intentionally relish the idea of being strange bedfellows.

Like Larry the Cable Guy and Louis CK.(!)

When I was working in New York at Radio City Music Hall, Louis CK, who is a genius – I love Louis CK, I love his comedy. Louis CK came out to my show and we talked about that a little bit. You just write it off and move on. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Before you know it, LTCG and David Cross will squash their beef.

I never blasted David. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. If I met him I’d probably get along with him and have a beer with him. I never once hammered him at all. I ribbed him a little bit for getting on my fans. But I wished him the best of luck. He’s got a good career. He’s doing what he does and I do what I do, bless his heart

Different Musical Genres of Comedy

Seems like different genres of music have their own comedians. Pitchfork recently interviewed Human Giant, confirming their indie rock cred. Metalheads love Brian Posehn. Country fans love Larry the Cably Guy. Rap heads love Def Comedy Jam.

But what about pop punk? No comedian represents the mall punks. There are none so I propose Extreme Skate Skitch Cooper. XSSC skates onstage and whines about how annoying his mom is.

"Dude my mom is so fucking stupid. Like when she tells me to take a shower. What is she a fucking perv? And man how stupid is she? I keep asking for a Fall Out Boy shirt from Hot Topic and I keep getting a new Family Guy shirt. Doesn't she know I'm a teenybopper? Nanny nanny boo boo!!"

Kill Yourself at Work in Five Minutes

Digg has been buzzing about this video game on the Adult Swim site where you must kill yourself within five minutes. Thanks Adult Swim but I already know it's not easy to kill yourself.

Japanese Sketch Comedy

via CollegeHumor

Old School Stand-Up Comedy

Remembrance of Videos Past #40: Hayden, "Bad as it Seems"

Hayden is like Beck without the humor. Lemme give that some positive spin: this song preceded Sea Change by a good seven years. In '96 all Beck songs had bleeps blips and chocolate chips. This song was just a summer bummer. I know this video doesn't go as far back as most RVPs, but consider that this video had decent rotation on MTV whereas nowadays emo and neogrunge get the spotlight. Yes, we've gotten to a point in which a Beck wannabe with a harmonica and shitty rhymes makes us sigh and say those were the days.

Modest Mouse at #1; Daughtry at #4

On Billboard Modest Mouse is #1. The last time an indie pop act topped the 200 was in 300 AD, when Barney Rubble released his atmospheric solo album My Name is Barney Rubble and I'm Here to Say....

Daughtry got mud kicked in his face by former American Idol man Elliot Yamin, who made number 3. Sounds like a new form of excrement, number 3. No wonder no one is happy with third place. I gotta go make #3.

Zen Jokewriting Journal #2

Zen Buddhists advise against getting in your own way so here are my thoughts when I get out of my own way.
The morning is the most annoying time of the day. All the rituals are like a sound check for the concert that is the rest of the day. One thing goes wrong and the show sucks. Not taking a shower is like Art Garfunkel smoking cigarettes and gargling cream before he gets onstage. I am turning into an older Italian lady at work. Try not fitting in with people who are nice to you. It's ok though. I am still myself. I am like the straight man at the office. The girls tell raunchy jokes and I act shocked. I'm not really shocked that they would tell pussy jokes at an ob/gyn office, but my mom works there so I have to act shocked. If I don't leave right now I might get off of the "I'm Shocked I'm Listening to Pussy Jokes" show. Namaste. That was one of the word's Patton Oswalt used to end his essay. They also use it on "Lost." Namaste is the coolest word ever. I gotta take a shit. Bye.

Text/Subtext

Text: “A decade ago I used to say we really weren’t the comedy network. NBC was,” [Comedy Central president Doug] Herzog said. “They had all those great must-see comedies. But now I think we have the heavyweight crown in comedy. It’s ours to defend.” Subtext: The '90s was one corny-ass decade.

Ten years ago this was what made people laugh and what networks insisted was funny.



It took The Daily Show to make comedy smart again.

Check Out My New Column in The Apiary

It's called The Gag Reel and it has all the week's most important TV, movie and DVD comedy news. Look for it every Tuesday in The Apiary.

Found Humor: Big Nose Wallpaper

Found Humor is a new column in which I post things that I find that are funny. These things are either unintentionally funny or slightly funny (ie, a droll Wikipedia entry).

Next time at work when your friend isn't looking replace that person's wallpaper with this:

Banned from SNL

Elvis Costello, Frank Zappa, Andy Kaufman, The Replacements, Cypress Hill and more.

Punchline Magazine Interview with Tom Shilhue

“I suffer from high self-esteem,” he confesses, borrowing one of the funniest lines from his stage show, Dad 2.0, while removing his jacket and a corduroy newsboy cap, hardly body armor in the war against winter. “A lot of comedians superimpose a character on top of themselves,” Shillue resumes after ordering an omelet and french fries. “I’m not playing a character. I’m playing myself. I am cool…at least in my head.”

History of Meatheads According to A Special Thing

While discussing Mencia's theft of Cosby's material, Jen Kirkman mentioned the alpha-male trend in comedy.

Also - anyone who thinks Mencia's rendition is funnier than Cosby's and therefore gets to "keep it" is part of the sad, new alpha-male generation of comedy boneheads who don't even see the subtle emotion of Cosby's joke(s). Fags.

I offered an origin story for this trend.

Former Onion writer Jack Szwergold weighs in.

I think that the trend towards meathead entertainment—in general—started to turn in the late 1980s and very early 1990s. The Diceman is one sign. But even look at the world of professional wrestling. During the early-1980s, the world of pro-wrestling was a lot more relatable, fun and creative. You all kinds of different characters that those guys would try to pull off and it was all accepted. Captain Lou Albano could only exist back then. Nowadays, pro-wrestling is focused only on being super-macho/musclebound and not much else. Ditto with radio as well. Clear Channel's first big moves at acquiring every radio station on earth began at that time, and look at the result. "Shock Jocks" are now more shocking—and less creative—than Howard Stern was back in the day. And it's all homogenized as well.

Not to be outdone, Patton Oswalt offers his own stirring account of the day the jocks took over.

And a lot of stand-up, now, is about people telling the audience how THEY got over on someone, or how much tougher or meaner they were than someone else. It's less and less about realizing embarrassing but enlightening truths about yourself (Cosby shrugging off his son's, "Hi Mom!" because he realizes it was his hubris and need for vicarious glory that got his son into that endzone) and more about expressing pointless rage ("That fucking bitch never played football with him!").

Though we might argue who the man resonsible for meathead comedy is, we cannot argue who the original king of nerd comedy is (current king is Patton Oswalt): Tom Lehrer. Only a nerd can have fun with the silent E.

Houdini Doomed by Dick Move

Critically acclaimed online comedy initiative "This Just In" reveals truth about Houdini's untimely end.

Interview with Katt Williams

That's the beautiful thing about stand-up. It's much like being one of those guys who works on the wildlife shows: you live the life of the Crocodile Hunter. It's beautiful when it's beautiful and it's awful when it's awful.

Mundane Dream Journal: LIC

I had a dream that I was driving through Long Island City and asked my friend and someone who I couldn't see in the back if they wanted go barhopping in the area. This dream represents my repressed desire to get fucked up the ass.

Bitergate: Mencia Rips Off Cosby

Unbelievable.



Interesting how Mencia's version is more hostile and less nuanced. Here's how he would do other comedians' material:


Mitch Hedberg

I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said "Fuck that, I'm a beaner so if I spend a minute in the sun, my teeth will look white compared to my fucking skin. You're thinking it, I'm saying it!"


Chris Rock
Who's more racist? Black people or White people? Beaners! Ya know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, beaners really don't like about black people.


Andrew Dice Clay

Little boy blue - he needed the pesos! Ole!

RIP Larry "Bud" Melman

Whenever I think about Letterman's unique sense of humor, I remember Bud walking on and off the Late Show set for no apparent reason except to make people laugh. I'll always remember his laugh. "Late Night with David Letterman" made him famous; so famous that he gave celebrity endorsements for Honda Scooters and other products. At one point he hawks a T-shirt in this ad within an ad. He will be missed.

Bernie Mac Retires from Stand-Up

After doing stand-up for 30 years, Mr. 3000 is making a grand exit at age 49. He does have one last show in the works: a film called "The Whole Truth, Nothing but the Truth, So Help Me Mac." Here's hoping Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia steal this idea as well.

Zen Jokewriting Journal

In the spirit of alternative comedy rooms from the '90s, when authenticity was the craze, I'm writing a Zen jokewriting journal. Zen Buddhists advise against getting in your own way so here are my thoughts when I get out of my own way.

"North American Scum" is ringing in my head. Ringing in my head. Do songs actually ring? Besides Pink Floyd songs? Zen comedy. Some Christians are moderate and only go to church every month. I wish moderate Islamic jihadists would only blow up certain parts of their clothing like their hats. That would look more festive. Comedy consists of talking 'bout your worst fears. Mine is being thrown in a dumpster full of mayonnaise-covered rats and realizing I'm gay.

Jen Kirkman Interview on Dead Frog

I can't quote this interview because practically everything she says is a lotus of wisdom with a pearl of hilarity at its center. No I haven't been reading too much Alan Watts.

Evidence That Fox Hates Blacks

Like you needed any.




The reason Barack Obama is such a big deal is because he's black, like all those other black candidates that make the draft pick every year. Enough already!

Vote for Favorite YouTube Comedy

Winners will be announced Friday.

Here's my personal favorite.

Time Out New York Rates Online Comedy Initiatives

A very interesting piece. Call it schadenfreude, but I'm especially intrigued by what sites they give the low ratings to. Comedynet, Daily Comedy and Just for Laughs got the lowest ratings (3 out of 6 stars). Daily Comedy gets the brunt of it:

Even if the writers deliver consistently funny material, the website itself can feel like the mainstream clubs where they perform: unremarkable and passé.

Here's Steve Hofstetter's MySpace comedy. Enjoy.

NY Times Amy Poehler Article

The three-season run of “Upright Citizens Brigade” would lead Ms. Poehler in 2001 to “Saturday Night Live,” where Ms. Dratch and Ms. Fey were already employed. Her debut appearance was the show’s first broadcast after the 9/11 attacks.

I thought she was on before that. She just made herself seem essential to the show's success very quickly.

Series Finale of Ze Frank's "The Show"

Might be the first big series finale for an original Internet show.

Retarded Vampire Blogs in the Morning

I vant to suck your blog!

Excellent Piece on Euegene Mirman in Brooklyn Rail

This neatly sums up my fears of where alternative comedy might go:

Look no further than Saturday Night Live to see how the aesthetic of online comedy is changing the look and feel of humor outside of cyberspace. The “Sloths” skit, from a recent SNL episode, is a so-so attempt at the type of humor that plays well with Internet audiences. A mock commercial for the Staten Island Zoo’s sloths exhibit features a barrage of quick cuts and a song espousing the animals’ virtues in a list of non-sequiturs ... The Sloth skit seems more than a little forced, compared to the real DIY weirdness you find online coming from maniacal minds like Mirman’s.

Amen. Eugene Mirman is the king of surreal and though I'm not the quickest sailboat in the race, I know better than to try and outweird him.

Mundane Dream Journal: Ray Stevens is Not an Oracle

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I just had a dream that my coworker said that the Ray Stevens song "Ahab the Arab" predicted 9/11. I tried to prove her wrong, but I woke up. The latent meaning of this dream is that I want to kill my father.

TV Set Trailer

A film starring David Duchovny about making a sitcom that, as a behind-the-scenes look at comedy, looks less somber that "Studio 60." What are your thoughts?

Arcade Fire Almost Tops Billboard Charts

At #1 is Biggie. Considering that ten years ago he topped the charts, it couldn't happen to a better man. The beauty of all this of course is Win Butler and Biggie Smalls teamed up to beat up Daughtry (a win [no pun intended] as monumental as Nirvana blowing past Michael Jackson), still holding up at number 3.

Now I know the premise of this blog - besides covering comedy news - is to present original humor that mocks culture. But Chris Daughtry's a walking parody of neo-grunge. Hell, if I didn't know any better I might say he's a comedic performance artist. Watch your back Charlene Yi. I'm in a rush to go back to work so get ready for some intense ironic appreciation.

The real reason Viacom is suing YouTube is because bloggers like me can embed this bullshit on their blogs and spread the gospel of crap.
It is so over.

Must Check Out

TSOYA and Jordan Jesse Go!: Jesse Thorn is the best voice in radio. Now I get why people listen to podcasts.

Dead Frog: Always good but this Odenkirk find is great.


Apiary: New Video Wednesday puts the "huh?" in "humpday."

Super Deluxe: If it weren't for "Lost," I would throw out my TV and always watch this channel.

On a Personal Note: Spanish Class Was the Best Comedy Workshop

In this segment I tell humorous personal anecdotes. If you hate personal blog posts, skip this; there's plenty of non-personal stuff on this blog as well.

Many kids got their start being funny in Spanish class. The teacher went around the room and you would have to read the one-liner sentence you wrote out loud. For the teacher this was a grammar excercise; for us, it was a comedy showcase with possible industry.

The hacks always went the obvious route and said something like "Yo quiero muchachas y cervesas."

Muchachas y cervesas son hackneyedos.

I took the road less travelled.

"Yo quiero tocar la guitarra, bailar con mismo y Slim Fast bars."

The pinnacle of course was the oral presentation. One semester in college we had to do a short one-act play in Spanish. I was paired up with this musclehead named Marco. He gave me the story idea (two guys are smooth and try to get ladies). I wrote the actual lines in Spanish. He was so serious about this he taught me how to fake getting a punch. During one of our stunt rehearsals, he suggested drinking beer during the presentation. I said "What? We're gonna drink beer during the oral presentation in our morning Spanish class?" He insisted that we had the right because we were both over 21.

So there we were doing some shitty knock-off of the Roxbury Twins in class, drinking our brews. When I put my Bud Lite bottle down it started overflowing onto the floor. In all my life I have never (albeit inadvertently) made a room full of people laugh so hard. The guy in the front row's face turned red.


So here are some comic Spanish excercises to get the creative juices flowing:

1) What do you like to put butter on (use the subjunctive).
2) No seriously, what do you like to put butter on (write "si" nervously throughout the sentence).

Scientists to Comedians: We Know Why You're Funny, You Don't Know Why We're Boring

from the NY Times:

Occasionally we’re surprised into laughing at something funny, but most laughter has little to do with humor. It’s an instinctual survival tool for social animals, not an intellectual response to wit. It’s not about getting the joke. It’s about getting along.

So this means I don't have to be funny to get laughs, I have to be likable. I am more fucked than a Paris Hilton impersonator in prison.

Overpriced Jokes Come to the Internet

Laugh Factory continues its tradition of expensive comedy by bringing it online.

At audible.com, customers can purchase a monthly subscription to 8001 Sunset Strip for $8.95 and receive four original one-hour shows. Individual shows are available for $2.95 each. At www.audible.com/laughfactory comedy fans can join the Laugh Factory AudibleListener® membership plan for $8.95 and receive the benefits of an AudibleListener membership. Each episode of the show is available for download from audible.com or wirelessly through AudibleAir® to any of the hundreds of available AudibleReady® mobile devices, including iPods, PocketPCs, and smartphones.

This is obviously the exact opposite of Web 2.0. No user-generated content; there should at least be a bringer system where budding comics have five friends buy Laugh Factory episodes and earn a spot on the show themselves. Yet another example of how poorly comedy clubs are adapting to the interweb.

The Secret to Ethnic Comedy

As an Arab-American comedian I want to do ethnic comedy. As a New York comedian I want to do smart comedy that does not rely on cheap, easy stereotype jokes. What do I do? Completely avoid mentioning my heritage on stage or write all my jokes about how stupid Bush and airport security are (a topic white comedians won't touch)?

A: Ethnic comedy is like spice. Too much ethnic spice overpowers the natural flavor of your act. How can you tell that story about how your mom tried to make you gay by forcing you to watch "Falcon Crest" and "Dynasty" when your whole set list is about how everyone thinks you're a terrorist? But you need some spice or else it's bland.

I suppose now's as good a time as any for an ethnic bit.

I like the idea of Arab American comedy, but it needs to develop its own legends. There are great comedians now of course but what about our comic legacy from the past? The history is not as big as the history of other ethnicities. African-Americans gave us Redd Foxx, Bill Cosby, Chris Rock. Jewish Americans gave us Lenny Bruce, Andy Kaufman, Jerry Seinfeld. Our contribution: Tony Shalhoub on "Wings." And even on that shitcom he played an Italian.

Punchline Magazine Feature on Zach Galifianakis

He seems weary, like each joke exhausts him, like he wants to be by himself. It’s almost like he’s trying not to engage the audience. But his deadpan reticence has the opposite effect; it brings you in closer—the same way Mitch Hedberg could bring you in closer by staring at the ground.

ALSO: TSOYA interview

Rest in Peace Richard Jeni

from Reuters:

Stand-up comedian and actor Richard Jeni, a regular on NBC's "The Tonight Show," has died in an apparent suicide, police said on Sunday.

Los Angeles police spokeswoman Norma Eisenman said a woman called police on Saturday morning from the West Hollywood area and said: "My boyfriend just shot himself in the face."

Jeni, 45, was found alive and taken to hospital but was pronounced dead about an hour later, Eisenman said.

The weird thing is he had this bit about how watching porn makes you slit your wrists. You're watching other people have way more fun than you might as well just end it all. I heard this joke in high school and loved it as a frustrated teenager. I think he also had another joke about how Phil Collins's "Against All Odds" makes you wanna kill yourself. Very sad news.

Richard Jeni was a great comedian. And in this clip he was also a great Hollywood Heckler. RIP.

Axis of Evil Comedy Special

Set your TiVos for the Axis of Evil Comedy Special Saturday at 11 PM. It's 4 Middle Eastern comics. In case you don't find some of the comedians funny, at least make sure you check out Iranian Maz Jobrani and fellow Egyptian Ahmed Ahmed.

I am North African-American myself and hopefully I will get picked for the Gutbucket (UCB Open Mike) lottery tonite. Then you can see that I'm funnier than all those guys. Not better looking, but funnier.

Well I'm the funniest Arab anyway. Maz Jobrani is funnier than me but he's Iranian.

Mundane Dream Journal: Meryl Streep Film

I had a dream that Meryl Streep was in this film about a mother who loses her kids after smoking pot. Then Tony Hale lights up a bowl and when he passes it to Meryl Streep, they show the bowl from a first-person perspective. The latent content of this dream is my desire to fuck a vampire.

"30 Rock" vs. "Andy Barker: PI"

"30 Rock" is making room for the new Andy Richter sitcom. Since the other 3 shows look secure, Jesse Thorn says we might have to choose. I choose "30 Rock" of course. Though a show that's funnier would be amazing as well. Either way, I'm gonna watch "Grey's Anatomy" tonight: the first 4 episodes of "Andy Barker" are online.

If the Shoe Fits...

watch it.

Mad Love for the West Coast

Zach Galifianakis interview here.

Maria Bamford below.




California knows how to party indeed.

Hollywood Heckler: Cracked Lists 5 Worst Comedies of All Time

Hollywood Heckler is a new column in which I berate unfunny films.

Cracked Magazine named the five worst comedies. Their list is pretty bad but I have my own list that puts that list - or itself, rather - to shame.

5) Big Trouble The only Tim Allen film I've had the misfortune of seeing, Big Trouble is based on a Dave Barry book. That's the first problem; it's based on a book written by the comedic equivalent of Jimmy Buffet. OK fine, I've never read Dave Barry. Nor do I want to. My stepdad read the book and saw this Barry Sonnenfeld monstrosity (Sonnenfeld also helmed Wild Wild West, Patton Oswalt's pick for worst film) and he found both of them funny.

4) Scary Movie 4 The Scary Movies got less funny with each installment. This is the latest one. The Zuckers at this stage in their careers were right-wing hacks not the deconstructionist wizards they were during the heyday of Airplane.

3) Employee of the Month As much as I find Carlos Mencia annoying, at least he has the good sense to stay away from feature films. Employee of the Month has one of the worst premises in Hollywood history: what if Jessica Simpson had big ears?

2) Nothing But Trouble Though one might assume I like Biggie more than Tupac because I am a New Yorker, the real reason is that Tupac was in this Dan Akroyd-penned monstrosity. If you look at Chevy Chase's "career" on IMDB, you'll see that prior to this, he had Christmas Vacation, his last big hit. This was the first nucleotide in the repeating DNA sequence of shit that has become Chevy Chase's career.


1) Loose Cannons A movie about a vice cop and a detective searching for a pornographic Nazi film is not a bad idea. Now Dan Akroyd and Dom Deluise on the same screen, that's a recipe for celluloid cyanide.

Frightening Comedy Trend: The Meathead Comedy Tour Documentary

"Dice: Undisputed" premiered last night. Like "Tourgasm," "D:U" is a reality miniseries about a meathead comic's life on the road bringing his brand of comic assault to the lad mag crowd. Never thought I'd say this, but this is worse than "Tourgasm." At least Dane Cook doesn't consistently pout for pity like Dice. VH-1 might as well try to make a docudrama about a likable child molesting clown trying to make his comeback at Knott's Berry Farm. I plan to make a fake docudrama ("Spinal Tap"-style) about a meathead comic touring on the road from the LES open mikes to the Midtown open mikes. It'll be called "Tails from the Road (If You Know What I'm Talkin' About...Aah, I'm Not Sure You Know What I'm Talkin About')"

Whitest Kids U Know Album Drops Tomorrow

I got a prerelease copy sent to me and it is great. Like the website College Humor, which often features their videos, WKUK deftly mix highbrow and lowbrow comedy, pleasing both unshaven hipsters and unshaven frat boys. The best penis joke in maybe twenty years is on this album. I'm not being hyperbolic; a better dick joke does not come to mind (no pun intended). Other highlights include the beginning track "welcoming" the listener (dog lovers want to skip this track [or not]), the Hitler rap "Triumph of the Ill" and the reggaeton number "Let's Wake the Neighbors." If their upcoming Fuse TV show is as good as this CD, then, with "Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!," "The Sarah Silverman Program," and "Human Giant" on the air as well, 2007 will be a landmark year for television comedy.

Puppet Watch: Puppet Music Hall

Stereogum brought to my attention an Internet TV show called Puppet Music Hall. Here's Jenny Lewis making me insanely jealous singing with a puppet.

Is Hollywood's Comedic Timing Off? (Slight Return)

Funniest Web Video This Week



Funniest TV Clip This Week



Funniest Film Released This Week

Some of us may not find the subject so funny, but never mind. Somebody needed to revive the “City Slickers” formula - AO Scott, New York Times

Is Hollywood's Comedic Timing Off?

Lets check in with Steve Bryant of The Hollywood Reporter:

Just consider for a moment why "Borat" is passe. We've already had our fun with him online. We've mashed him up, linked to him and blogged about the movie. The cultural "moment" has passed. What can we do with that DVD that we haven't already done?
Since "Borat's" theatrical release, we've been entertained/ enraptured by "Saturday Night Live's" "Dick in a Box," the parody "My Box in a Box," Britney Spears shaving her hair off and the death of Anna Nicole Smith. We watched it online in our cubicles.

Though I agree with his comparison of the Web's "constant media" to Hollywood's "occasional media," I am surprised he neglected TV. TV is a happy medium (no pun intended). For most of the year you get constant media with new episodes of "The Office" every week. But in the summer, we take a break from Mike and Dwight until the fall when the whole web eagerly awaits another season. I think "The Office" brings more people together than "Dick in a Box" (itself a product of NBC).

Either way, Hollywood's comedic timing does seem off. Why wouldn't it be? Comedy is all about being in the moment. Even television allows for that (like Mike O'Connell on Jimmy Kimmel).



Hollywood is about taking the moment and hammering it into a standard theatrical narrative. Even Borat has a plot. Let's say there's a sketch about Cell Phone Girls. Here are the YouTube, TV and Hollywood versions:

YouTube
Teenage Girl 1: (ringtone goes off playing "Laffy Taffy") AAAAHHHH! I love my cell phone! I love D4L!
Teenage Girl 2: AAAAAH! I know! Tee hee! Pick it up!
T1: No, I want to let it ring a little longer!
T2: I know! Mook B is soooo fine!
T1: (picks up) Hi dad.

TV
Teenage Girl 1: (ringtone goes off playing "Laffy Taffy") AAAAHHHH! I love my cell phone! I love D4L!
Teenage Girl 2: AAAAAH! I know! Tee hee! Pick it up!
Normal Friend: Why do you girls get excited when people call you?
Teenage girl 2: Because we love D4L you prude! You're just jealous cuz no one calls you.
Teenage girl 1: (picks up) Hello?
Normal friend: (blasts Black Sabbath's "War Pigs" into phone with Teenage Girl #1 on other line)

Hollywood
Teenage girl 2: No wonder Brad likes Teenage girl #1 better; she just won the dance-off against Valley Prep. (phone rings on vibrate) Hello? Brad? Look behind me? What are you doing here Brad? Oh my god, you remembered that I love pink jewel encrusted Razor phones that play "Laffy Taffy" by D4L? Lemme try out my new ringtone...AAA-(Brad swoops in for kiss)- AAAAH! I love you Mook B!

Variety Names Top Ten Comedians to Watch

Among them: Dave Hill, Mike O'Connell and Charlene Yi. Congrats to all!

Even a Caveman Can Blow It

ABC takes the sitcom back to the stone age. Hey, it worked for the California Raisins.