Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 5

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"

A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.

But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?

Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.

Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).

I'm goin' hungry...for something with a little "flava"

When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…

Check This Wacky Stuff Out

Josh Filpowski



Whip It Out Comedy

The Perfect Girl - Watch more free videos

Interview With Bill Burr

Well readers, you know you've made it as a blogger when you get a free Bill Burr CD. I decided to interview Mr. Burr because:

a) he was a cast member in one of the best sketch shows in history (Chappelle's Show)

b) few contemporary white comedians can talk about race better than Burr

c) in the world of stand-up Burr has garnered a reputation as the Hendrix of taking down hecklers

d) (for the obvious-impaired)he's funny.

The reissue of his 2003 CD Emotionally Unavailable is on sale at What Are Records. Blah blah blah you still reading this? Scroll down to the interview already.



When you started out in comedy did you have your own voice already or did you find yourself imitating your heroes?

When I started out, I worked totally clean for the first year or two. I don’t know why I did. I think I just wanted crowds to like me, and I thought if I wasn’t dirty I wouldn’t get heckled as much. It took me a couple of years to find that my voice involved lacing all material with the f word and making stupid faces. That formula really helps if you’re trying to cover up an inability to write a joke.

Do you have any horror stories of starting out in comedy?

The biggest horror story I’ve had in comedy was living with Robert Kelly. The only thing I’ve found worse than that experience is having a conversation with Keith Robinson.

What definitive moment made you want to do stand-up? Did you watch David Brenner and decide that you wanted to do this for a living?
Watching comedians with my Dad and seeing him laugh made me want to be a comedian.

You were on Chappelle's Show for a few episodes. Have your ever done sketch before then?
I never did sketch before Chappelle’s Show. I never really looked at his show as a sketch show. It seemed more like we were making short movies.

You seem to have an obsession with strippers and hookers in your act. Why?
I love whores. Always have.

When is a joke racist and when is it politically incorrect?
I think it all comes down to intent. If you really mean what you’re saying the crowd will sense it and you’ll be in a tough situation. That’s why I’ve always hated when someone says that someone, “Can get away with…” doing certain material. “Getting away with” implies that you are saying something in a malicious way rather than just fucking around.

Once you were scheduled to appear on Human Giant, Aziz Ansari's show but you couldn't make it. Would you ever do an alternative comedy show?

I was on Human Giant. That is an incredible blow to me and my ego that you didn’t notice my 48 second interview with Aziz during their 24 hours marathon.


I wish I saw it. Can we expect any future TV cameos from you?
Well I know I'M expecting to be on TV some more. Let's just hope the people that make those decisions feel the same way.

You became a YouTube legend after a video was uploaded of
you giving an unruly Philadelphia audience a tongue-lashing. What are some tips on fending off drunken hecklers?
There are a bunch of different ways to go about it. But the basic theme is "Go fuck yourself." Greg Fitzsimmons is the best I've ever seen. I learned a lot watching him when I started out. He was the first guy I saw that didn't have some stock or prepared generic line for hecklers. He would take every situation as it came and would then, in a very personal and painful way, dissect the heckler's life. Not only would it shut the person up, no one else would yell out for the rest of the show.

What would you tell a comedian starting out trying to find his voice?
My advice to new comedians is: Get a catch phrase. That’s where the money is at. And if you can some how write an hour of material about the same subject, there will be no stopping you.


What other new comedians do you like?
As far as new comics in New York, I like Joe DeRosa, Jay Oakerson, and Kurt Metzger. I just moved to LA so I haven’t been out here long enough to know who’s doing what.

When can we expect a brand new album from you?
I'm shooting an hour long DVD next month in NYC. It will be in stores in 2008. I’m really excited about getting this next hour of material out there, blowing up, and being able to afford an assistant to pretend to be me and answer all my myspace emails. Until then I’ll continue to answer the 7 questions I get every three days.

If you could be on any TV comedy what would it be?

I want to be the guy that gets yelled at via satellite on one of those Left Wing/Right Wing talking head shows. I'm currently perfecting my "flabbergasted look" when I can't interject my feelings on how the world should be run.






PREVIOUSLY:

Bill Burr rants on MySpace

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 4

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"

A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.

But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?

Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.

Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone…

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 3

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.

But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?

Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio,______________

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 2

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw____

Sign Off For Boing Boing Reporter On Daily Video Segment

This is Mark Fraunfelder live from the basement. Back to you Mom.

The Opposite Of Comedy

If comedy is when someone expresses pain and anguish to make people laugh, then the opposite is when people laugh to make other people cringe and writhe in unfathomable horror.

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to __________.

PREVIOUSLY:

Moby Schtick: The World's Longest Joke

Late To The Party (But High)

These are things I’ve been drinking in with the pleasure of a whirling dervish the past few weeks, but haven’t had the time to praise.

Upright Citizens’ Brigade, Season 2 DVD

The modern TV sketch comedy revolution began in earnest with The State in 1994 and continued with Mr. Show, which ended its run in 1998. That’s when the UCB came to the rescue. Besides the tasty trimmings (live audience Q&A, deleted scenes) what’s truly remarkable is how little the episodes have aged. Indeed, it’s as if the Del Close disciples saw into the future of comedy and recorded it for the 20th century (yes, I just wrote “indeed.”). A pleasure unique to the UCB series is trying to figure out the theme of each episode. I swear the theme of one episode is “everybody gets zapped.”

Though all the episodes are remarkable, the one where Matt Besser tosses throwing stars with a limp wrist is a work of “super-cool” genius.

Challengers, The New Pornographers

It is almost hackneyed at this stage to disparage a Pitchfork review, but they really lost their aim on this one. Most of the songs are lambasted for having “flat” or “awkward” structure. Does this mean that all songs must conform to the standard Pop Hook Style Manual? The subdued nature of this album is a welcome departure from their sunny, twee pop anthems (much as I worship them like the alien Canadian relics they are). Each song sounds like the season finale of a great TV show where a hot couple breaks up in time for sweeps week. I imagine Dawson and Joey breaking up during “Challengers” and Pacey and Joey breaking up during “The Spirit of Giving In.”

Strawberry Jam, Animal Collective

If liking this album makes me a hipster, then I’ll wear that ringer tee with the accompanying horn rimmed glasses. If loving “Peacebone” makes me an art fag, then I suppose I will have to pose for those Robert Mapplethorpe photos. If writing a rave review of Animal Collective is the most hack thing a blogger can do, then get ready for a slew of wacky cat pictures and anti-Bush screeds.

Egyptian Deductive Logic Comedy Hour

I am Egyptian

There is a product called Egyptian Magic

It is a cream

You do the math

You sure you don't want to wipe my Egyptian cream off your face?

America To Dane Cook: Fuck Chuck

Our great nation is like Tina Turner—constantly in love with these abusive, cocky Ike Turners before waking up and showing those broke-ass jive turkeys the door. Except, unlike The GILF Goddess, America’s too late. The Bush Backlash began two years ago—after he was reelected, natch. Now Dane Cook has flopped at the box office yet again with Good Luck Chuck. But he’s still the Mayor of MySpace.

Why is the Cook-Alba sex romp such a bomb?

Two reasons:

"Both of them know how to a deliver a joke," she began. "Dane has lived funny. Larry [David] knows funny and just is funny. You know what I mean? And the beauty of working with Larry is that there's no script. With Dane and I, because it was a script we had to make it seem like it was unfolding. We had to work a little harder to get the spontaneity, but we didn't mind doing the work."

So he has difficulty thinking of jokes? He can steal write jokes, but when asked to think of one on the spot, he caterwauls and prances like a Russian disco instructor.

Second reason:
Theory Number Two—Nobody Wants to See Him with Hot Goofy Chicks: Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot. My dad has a crush on her. She can happily tell you that her tooth is fake, point it out and somehow still look like a glamazon. She's happy-hot, too. When Dane made one of his offbeat references to The Wizard of Oz at the premiere, she laughed, "Where does he get these references? I don't even think of them!"
"I don't know," he said. "I'm inspired by you and your shiny dress."
So goes the pattern for Dane. Team up with a hot chick who has yet to make a big romantic comedy—Jessica Simpson and Alba—and make them crack up. It's a noble cause, but Dane's fans are not gonna pay to see him swap spit with hot nice-seeming twentysomethings. He would have better box office if he romanced an elder hot chick, like maybe Goldie Hawn. Don't you agree?

What? You mean sexy people aren't funny? What's not to laugh at? Dude with pecs shoots his wad on more snatch than Guy Ritchie? I mean come on, look at the central conflict--guy gets girls, guy doesn't get one girl, guy eventually gets one girl. If you can't empathize, you oughtta be smacked by Ike Turner.

Remembrance Of Videos Past #50: Joe Public, “Live and Learn”

I love that old saw, “You’ve got to live and learn.” But every time I say it, this terrible New Jack Swing monstrosity comes to mind. Worst part about it is my girlfriend and I are the only ones who remember this song and we both hate it.

Much as I abhor this shitty ditty, I confess I am enamored with those backward trumpet samples. Like Terminator X is on the 1 and 2.

Still, the band’s name is Joe Public, which is fitting because the band is as unrecognizable as your average Joe Public or Joe Scmoe.

What Ahmadinejad Said Off-Stage At Columbia University

Yeah, we all know, Ahmadinejad, president of Iran, said there are no gays in Iran and that the Holocaust didn’t happen during his little press junket at Columbia University. But if you think that was shocking, you have no idea what was overheard coming out of his bilious, hairy mouth when he toured the rest of the campus.

Student Union: We don’t have wacky, college humor newspapers in Iran. Well, except for The HA!-locaust. It’s like our version of The Onion with funny fake news stories about the fake Holocaust

Library: We have no Internet in Iran. Only Sega CDs with looped footage of my speeches.


What is this Night Trap you speak of?


Science Building: Oh, so that’s what uranium is. I thought it was an aquarium filled with piss.

Frat Party: Awww, man. Why you gotta lip the blunt like that? It’s like you’re an Iranian male prostitute swallowing the firm, thick, veiny penis of a tough Middle Eastern leader who likes wearing Member’s Only jackets. What?


You ladies really need to wash your burkas. Am I right, fellas?

My 500th Post On This Site

On the one hand, I feel this is a self-congratulatory post. Having said that, I can’t let it go unnoticed. Here’s a clip show of all the best posts from April of aught six to today:

Yeah Yeah No


How Punk Became a 30 Year Old MySpace Creep


Hot Rock Genres



A Guide to Geeks, Nerds, Dorks and Herbs



The Top 40 Blogs By and For Comedians


Could This Be the Most Unintentionally Funny Season of "24" Yet?


Passive-Aggressive Copy Editor Replies To Jokes E-Mailed To Her


Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA

Tricornered Hats Lead To Musket Wounds

Mundane Dream Journal: Britney’s Toxic DVD

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I had a dream that I was watching a Britney Spears movie on DVD that was so bad, I stopped watching it and did some work from home. This represents my repressed desire to shit on my estranged father’s chest.

Punch Lines Take A Beating In The Press

SHECKYmagazine shines when it tackles the media’s apparent bias against punch lines. In January, they called out the LA Times’ bias against mainstream comedy and now they caught this article in Philly.com attacking punch lines in television shows.

From the article:

Comedy isn't dead, it's just been outsourced - to shows more like Weeds than Everybody Loves Raymond. Shows that are not so much sitcoms as sitcomish, single-camera conceits that are slick and dramatic (but not quite so dramatic to be considered dramedies) - but also consistently funny. Like 30 Rock or The Office. Shows that do not pause for three seconds after the joke, shows that don't acknowledge there's been a joke at all. Shows that on paper might not be funny at all.

Now I appreciate awkward comedy, anti-humor, avant garde comedy, etc. as much as the next bitter, media-obsessed scribe. But do we really have to choose? Is it so wrong to have punch lines? Must everything be subtle and dry? Must everybody be a disciple of the Del Close/Andy Kaufman School of What The Fuck?

Consider the great comedians who use punch lines (Demetri Martin, Patton Oswalt, Doug Benson, Chris Rock). Are these comedians wrong for entertaining us with written jokes that have set-ups and resolutions?

Of course, critics have a built-in postmodern, academic bias against resolutions. Everything must be open-ended. No resolutions or statements allowed.


Ironically, I can’t find a satisfying resolution for this blog post. Happy now, you joke-hating fucktards?

Mundane Dream Journal: MyDreamSpace

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I dreamt that I checked my MySpace profile to see if the Mates of State song successfully loaded to my profile. I woke up before I could find out. This represents my repressed desire to have copious amounts of unctuous sex with vintage footwear.

Quirk Off

According to this Atlantic Monthly article (via BuzzFeed), the quirky hipster sensibility behind Miranda July, Wes Anderson and This American Life is passe. Though I'm not sure I agree with all his examples (Flight of the Conchords transcends trendiness), I had tried to express a similar sentiment when I was interviewed by Time Out New York, saying that hipsters might ruin comedy. Like I say in the interview, they haven’t necessarily done so, but there is a great danger they might. Two things to add to what I said in TONY:

a) Quirk might not be such a problem, but the prejudice against non-quirk is a bit much. Heaven forbid anyone make anything close to a statement about anything. One of the few things that mainstream comedy can still do better than alternative comedy is put what’s wrong with the world (war, bigotry, etc.) into perspective. Irony has its place, but it seems like outrage against the war doesn’t play well in the alt rooms. I haven’t seen it anyway. In fairness, comedians are rarely able to pull off anti-establishment screeds as well as Hicks or Carlin did, but, like Michael Hirschorn says in the Atlantic Monthly article, irony is easy, which means that it often comes across cheap.

b) Irony is cheap because it is far from a scarce resource. But, just like too many cheap Dollar Menu burgers make you sick, too much irony—especially the nerdy, “robot vs. ninja” hipster/nerd variety, can be cloying. I guess it’s like indie rock—after a while, the clichés wear on you, but the mainstream is far worse.

gag reel

u know u wanna read it

Jack McBrayer's Drug Tips

The only thing wrong with this video: you can't vote "funny."

In Search Of The Elusive Vagina Reynolds

I searched for "Vagina Reynolds" and tracked her history.
First, I saw her in the site Asia Pacific Cyber Games. But only her name was there. No communication was picked up with Vagina Reynolds.

In Front Page mag, she made a comment about censorship. When you click on the comment: the page cannot be found.

Finally, in a site about see-through lingerie from Kiev, she disappears in an interminable sea of Google ads.

Where in the web is Vagina Reynolds?
Here's a picture.

This Is Why Rolling Stone Will Never Shut The Fuck Up About Bruce Springsteen

Schedules: Future Of Viral Vids

This article on online comedy initiatives in the latest issue of TONY has an interesting detail in the print edition: it gives the release date of the Bill Murray viral video, which was released today.



So is this the future of viral video? Will we have Fall Viral Video Previews? A summer viral season? Will Star Wars Kid fans be skeptical of upcoming sequels? Like Star Wars Kids?

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't look forward to a future of Chocolate Rain forecasts.

Comedians Are Bad Porn Actors

We’ve all heard that old canard: people become comedians because they want to make people laugh. That’s like saying people get into porn because they like to fuck. Who doesn’t like to fuck or make people laugh?

Just like almost every porn star was sexually abused, 99 percent of comics were verbally abused. Good comedians want to make people laugh; great comedians want revenge.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the porn and comedy industries are filled with fuck-ups; the industries themselves are capitalist perversions of things that humans have naturally enjoyed. Getting a rim job, sharing a laugh—these are intimate moments that normal people are content with experiencing without an audience or a paycheck.

And just like a porn actor’s worst nightmare is impotence, a comedian’s worst nightmare is being successfully zung by the school bully.

Sometimes those bullies aren’t people but institutions (religion, capitalism, Aerosmith). From Richard Pryor to David Cross, comedians have had a chip on their shoulder.

Aerosmith: the reason for alternative rock and comedy

So do I like to make people laugh? Almost as much as I want to make bullies cry and porn stars cum.

You Are Not As Over It As You Think You Are

How Drugs Can Enhance Brain-To-Game Interface

"Direct Brain-to-Game Interface Worries Scientists", the headline says. But drugs can enhance the experience:

So I push this button?

Marijuana: You eat more power-ups

Cocaine: Controls are rapid-fire

LSD: Every level is a warp zone

Alcohol: You act like every game is Dance Dance Revolution

Salvia: Game over

How To Be A Hateful Comedian

It's not easy being a totalitarian nowadays. Everyone is so PC. Stand-up comedy is the only field left where you can say whatever you want, damn the consequences. But what if you fall prey to the Kramer effect and no one wants to work with you again? Don't fret; this How-To will do plenty to teach you what it takes to be the best of the bilious.

1) ALWAYS pick an easy target

Don't bother going after specific ideologies (trickle down economics) or deflating certain fantasies (macho politically incorrect fantasy). Always go after Asians, Indians or retards (AIR).

2) When in doubt, curse

Fuck the shopping list; we all remember Lenny Bruce because he talked dirty. So let's say you can't quite articulate why the austere cultural traditions of Asians piss you off--just bob and weave like a drunk and say "fucking Asians."

3) You Love Nothing

Well, seriously speaking, you love thinking about William S. Burroughs licking mint tea off a Moroccan manservant's firm nut sac, but never say that onstage. If anything, say you hate the things you love.

4) NEVER say you hate pussy or beer

Say you hate football, say you hate America but never say you hate pussy or beer. Don't even say you hate the taste of pussy and beer. In fact, you might do yourself a favor and say that nothing tastes better than some 19-year-old Russian poon soaked in freshly-brewed lager

5) You hate your life even if you are rich and handsome

You have a girlfriend who blows you and buys you tickets to see action movies. Nope; she's still a shrewish cunt that is unworthy of your love. You are actually proficient at your day job and are gainfully employed; onstage, you remember that you are a pissed-off waiter who hates people with special orders

6) If you've found enlightenment after visiting that ashram in the Midwest that your roommate can't shut up about, make fun of your roommate

Aww come on man. If you were really enlightened you would know that suffering is a part of the human condition so you would suffer onstage then after the show snort some devil's dandruff off a drunk hooker's tits.


7) But what if some guy gets me on camera phone being an obnoxious blowhard? Like what happened to Kramer?

Get out a Super Soaker and squirt it at random audience members. Squirt it at all cell phones. That way the cell phone user will be electrocuted. At the very least, the evidence will be destroyed.

8) And how about those fucking Muslims?

Seriously. Crowd work is never easy. but rally the crowd behind concentration camps for Muslims and you are heckle-proof. If you are Muslim, then you should still say it. You people are killing yourselves blowing yourselves up anyway, concentration camps are good for the environment and y'all go to heaven quicker.

9) There is never too much hate

Secret: hateful guys get pussy. Try it. Get drunk and yell at everybody in a bar. See how much ferocious pussy you drain your hateful balls with.


10) What about the alt-rooms?

Sure I get it. You want some indie intercourse. Some Lower East Side Snatch. Some Park Slope poon. Just say you hate Nickelback. Which is true if you know how to read this list and have a high-speed Internet connection anyway.

Tricornered Hats Lead To Musket Wounds

And trucker hats lead to trailers. Not only do hipsters gentrify poor neighborhoods (diminishing the sphere of influence ethnic cultures have) but they also want to replace progressive New York culture with retro rural chic.

You'll have to pry this trucker hat from my cold, dead head

So trucker hats are fin, trailers are the craze.

By '08, trailers will be passe and guns will be hot, leading to homeless coke addicted hipsters with guns. Ironic redneck ghetto chic.

In '09, the KKK will be hip. The new KKK style will be white hoodies with lower-case KKKs emblazoned on them.

Canada, here I fucking come.

PLEASE PUT THIS ON RSS

Look readers, I am very busy and I cannot write everyday.

So please just put me on Bloglines or any other RSS aggregator and it will let you know when I update my blog. Yay.

Remembrance of Videos Past #49: Guns N Roses, "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" (Live at the Ritz)"

I never liked the studio version of this song on Use Your Illusion II. This, however, is GN'R in all their ragged, coke-freeze glory.
A '90s era Guns song played during the Appetite days. Slash's solo here is like giving cunnilingus to a banana bread muffin. And the banter.

"You know what time it is right now?"

It's the one year anniversary of "Remembrance of Videos Past."

Here's a look back at all the others.

And here's the one year anniversary special.

So great watching the audience trying to get louder than Axl.



BONUS:

Black Crowes, "Thorn in My Pride"

Mundane Dream Journal: Dry Eyes

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I was on this Disney World ride with my friends. The ride was stopped while we were on it and this Asian gentleman with a blow out haircut stepped into the car we were in, offering to moisten our contact lenses. My friends declined, but I said sure. I expected him to put the eye drops in for me, but he made a nervous face implying I should do it myself. I tried to but I kept missing my eye.

He kept saying "Come on" until I woke up. Good thing -- I was late for work. This represents my repressed desire for the Burger King to be an Asian man.

Gag Reel

Just read the first graf if u don't have time

Line Of The Millenium

"Bret Michaels Will Not Be Played!"-Bret Michaels, last night's episode of Rock of Love

Yeah, if you mean your solo album, Songs of Life.

I don't know why I watch Rock of Love. Suzanne Somers Bret Michaels is not as charismatic as Flavor Flav. The girls are not as unruly as Charm School's.

And every other song sounds like "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Seriously. I think one of them is called "Every Row Has Its Corn."

Every Bro Has His Porn

You're in your goddamned 40s Bret. How do you explain to your kids that their potential stepmother's crowning achievement was saying "I want some rocker ass" during a 30-second promo? I know it's embarrassing to work as a temp. Fuck it dude, join the Army. Be a special breed of Motorcycle Soldier. Keep it smoothed out on the Captain America tip and shit.

Or better yet, be Bush's brain; take Karl Rove's job. Be a "poison"-ous turd blossom.

Start a Rudyard Kipling book club.

Enter the Chinese toothpaste market.

Fuck it dude, just take some UCB sketch classes. You would bump David Cross in a rock musical with Yo La Tengo.

Anything but bitch and moan on VH-1 about a starfucker.

Yes, that's what he means by "I will not be played." Some woman is not there for him, but because he is a star.

The rest of them are not star fuckers however. Seriously, they never heard of you.

Things To Check Out

Cloverfield Tickets



Comix Two Year Anniversary Show


Michael Show V, Michael Ian Black
Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter will be the next participants in their ongoing experiment in improvisation. The dueling Michaels will go funny mano-a-mano in an improvised humor competition, to be posted on August 14, 2007.

The humor agon will go live at exactly 9 a.m. or so on August 14.





This Is Why I Brunch

I Now Pronouunce You Adam And Andy...

Remembrance of Videos Past #48: Tim Dog, "Fuck Compton"

In 1992, when I brought up Dr. Dre to one of my sophomore classmates in high school, he scoffed and said "No man, Tim Dog is the true NY shit. Fuck Compton."

And so began the shot heard nowhere around the world in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars. I've seen this video three times in my life:

1) once on Yo! MTV Raps
2) once on Playboy's Hot Rocks
3) YouTube

When the Rapture takes over New York City, Tim Dog will be left standing, telling a char-broiled Dr. Dre to suck his dick.

Family Guy Staff Meeting To Make A Film Adaptation Of The Show After The Resounding Sucess Of The Simpsons Movie

Head Suit

So let's talk Family Guy Film...

Suit #2

How about we start...with a flashback?

Head Suit

Genius. Fucking genius.

Suit #3

Then we can have a pop culture reference.

Head Suit

I'm in the zone; check it out -- a flashback to a pop culture reference.

Suit #2

Yeah yeah and then the second half of the movie is a pop culture reference to the 1990 film Flashback with Kiefer Sutherland and Dennis Hopper.

Suit #3

How about we put LSD in the water supply so everyone has flashbacks and we have a Warhol painting on each screen for the pop references?

Head Suit

Well we don't have to choose. All of the above sounds great. Now marketing. The Simpsons Movie replaced 7-11 signs with Kwik E-Mart signs. We've got do them one better.

Suit #2

How's about we replace the 7-11 employees with white people?

Head Suit

I'm sold. Say, what's taking the delivery guy so long? I'm more famished than an Ethiopian Rastafarian.

Suit #3

Let's just steal the Simpsons writers' lunch. They let us take everything else.

Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA

Has Reddit been drinking the Kool Aid or popping the blue pills? The front page had this article on the CIA editing Wikepdia articles. Here are some of the most notorious examples:


John F. Kennedy Assassination
Kennedy was downed in November 1963 by a bullet that fell out of an oil magnate's hamburger. Lee Harvey Oswald loved eating toy bullets in his hamburgers. He would joke with his friends saying he was going to "bite the bullet." That fateful day though, the chayenne pepper and Oswald's saliva combined to create gunpowder, propelling the bullet to Kennedy's head.

See magic bullet

Crack In Ghetto
Contrary to pernicious urban myths, crack was not disseminated in the ghetto by the CIA. Most historians believe crack cocaine originated during a hip-hop DJ's set in the South Bronx. A turntablist was cutting cocaine on his turntable when an AIDS monkey's blood spilled from the eaves of a duplex behind him. The blood fell on the powdered cocaine and began to congeal, hardening the cocaine. A baking soda truck then flipped over, dumping the cargo onto the fateful turntable. Thus prototypical crack was born. The DJ, Crack La Rock, distributed crack at rap concerts.

Jack Bauer



Jack Bauer is a rogue agent who must be stopped. I'll cut that trifling bitch!

Things You Can Do If Your Two-Year Old Pit Bull Is Violent

If I had my druthers, pit bulls would be tough but sweet, like sexy blaxploitation mothers. As it were, pit bulls can be unruly and mean. Either way, they don't have to be burnt to death to be punished. From what I understand, dogs aren't only susceptible to flames. Bullets and rotten chuck meat will suffice. Here are some pointers for punishing Pointer without a single drop of kerosene.

Burn yourself
Just think -- you can die violently, just like you lived.

Build A Bull Out Of Ice Cream And Have A Fake Pamplona Run That will confuse the pooch.

Play It Some Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam
OK I took it too far. Goodnight.

Sarcasting #5

Check out the new sarcasting.

Heavy metal slam poetry.

That's it -- heavy metal slam poetry.

Passive-Aggressive Copy Editor Replies To Jokes E-Mailed To Her

Blonde JokeTwo blondes MALE? FEMALE? had driven across the country to see Disney World DISNEY WORLD IS BIG; WHERE IN DISNEY WORLD? EPCOT? MAGIC KINGDOM? PLEASURE ISLAND? in Florida.WHEN? WHAT CITY IN FLORIDA???

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"REALLY??? WOULDN'T THAT LEAD THEM TO ONCOMING TRAFFIC? WHAT HIGHWAY IS THIS???

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde BLONDE DRIVER YOU MEAN?? said "Oh well!" CURLY QUOTES and started driving back home.WHY DIDN'T SHE MAKE TWO LEFTS AND A RIGHT AFTER GETTING OFF THE EXIT RAMP? YOU NEED TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS

Sex Joke

A beautiful, voluptuous woman NAME? AGE?went to a
gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.ALLEGEDLY
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the
doctor began to stroke
her thigh.ACCORDING TO THE INDICTMENT, RIGHT? Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she WHY NO NAME? DID THE POLICE NOT DISCLOSE THE
VICTIM'S NAME? IF SO YOU NEED
TO MENTION THIS. replied, "you're checking for any
abrasions WHAT KIND? CORNEAL?
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctorPLEASE
REMAIN OBJECTIVE IN YOUR
REPORTING.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; NO SEMICOLON
which is
why I came
here in the first place." WHAT? NO QUOTES FROM THE
DOCTOR'S ATTORNEY? 

Bar Joke

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, NO COMMA when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, TRY A RIGHT-BRANCHING SENTENCE HERE and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his bigWEAK TRY BROBDIGNAGIAN, TexanGEE IS HE TEXAN hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.NO IS REDUNDANT; SHAKING YOUR HEAD MEANS NO IN THIS CULTURE
He asked, "Kin ya breathe (SIC GOTTA SAY SIC) ?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.LICKED HER BUTT; PLEASE AVOID UNNECESSARY PREPOSITIONS The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvreHEIMLICH FOR FUCK'S SAKE HEIMLICH YOU IGNORANT FUCKTARD PLEASE CUT MY LAWN OR SERVE MY CHECKER'S CHILI DOG OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU DO YOU MISERABBLE WASTE OF HUMAN TISSUE/STET always works."

Puppet Watch: Puppet Videos

You thought puppet watch was over? Nu-uh; it just got quiet. The Mo! Brigade has been on red alert for puppet news and here we go: top five puppet music videos (via College Humor).

Wouldn't ya know, one of the videos is indie. I told you puppets are chic.

Honestly most of the videos on this list are a bit obscure for me.

Repeat after me: you're never too cool for the Magic Garden.

Hey Bill Richardson...

One fat dude to another -- you're too fat to run for President. Seriously, look at you. We want a movie star for president, not Checker's Most Valued Customer. I mean sure you might be against the war. BFD, fatso. Republicans are burning flags over this war. Sorry Rotund Richardson, but you better drink soy milk and eat rice cakes before you consider your bid. I promise you that you will not be in the White House. Maybe the White Castle, but not the White House.

Good thing this guy has no embed code -- I don't want his blubbery mug on my template.

Remembrance of Videos Past #47: Meat Loaf, "Objects In The Rearview Mirror..."

If a blog is like a rock that you wipe your tears away with, then the links to other blogs are just the resulting abrasions.

If blogging is like going to the gym, then the insipid content is like the fat -- fat that is more pounds than an armored truck accumulating money underwater. A British armored truck with pounds inside. The currency. I think.

If clumsy similes are like overwrought, over-the-top Meatloaf songs, then metaphors are like the creepy David Finches that leave in footage of Meatloaf's pants falling down while he's running in Fight Club.

Helium Or Hot Air?

Punchline Magazine-- Dylan Gadino, to be exact -- lets a Philadelphia comedy club have it.

It really makes you wonder if alcohol should be served at comedy shows anymore.

Just shut up the throng with space cakes and Soma, I say.

Zombie Steve For President?

Real Poets Go On Match Game '75

Why Should You Buy Spin Magazine?

To see who Patton Oswalt calls "punk rock." Seriously, I would link to the article for free but it's not online. So quit rolling your eyes at Spin Magazine's And The Academy Is... coverage and pick up a copy you trust-fund hippy! Worth it for Patton Oswalt's essay alone (though an Amy Winehouse cover would make it a collector's item -- an issue is already being auctioned off on eBay).

Eight Things You Don’t Know About Me

Ray has tagged me for an “Eight Things You Don’t Know About Me” meme.

Here are the rules:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Here are mine:

1) I used to collect girl dolls as a kid For the straightest reasons too; I wanted to see what Jem looked like naked

2) I used to think "tits" was a Korean word I spent my childhood in Flushing, Queens with Korean kids that peppered their everyday speech with Korean words. I thought tits was one of them. I was shocked to hear a white guy say it in an American movie.

3) I like some Sugar Ray songs

Well just this one


I know, Mark McGrath is a meathead and usually Sugar Ray sucks, but it's good to imagine this song during the "rough relationship" part of the soundtrack of your life (forgive English sucky, I have to go to work)

4) I used to love Billy Joel's "You're Only Human (Second Wind)" This was at the time of Ozzy Osbourne's "Suicide Solution" controversy and this song was a life-affirming answer to that

5) KISS used to scare the shit out of me I mustered some courage when I was ten and saw the opening credits of KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. I've never been the same since.


6) I shat my pants after eating Burger King Good thing I worked at an animals shelter when it happened -- imagine I shat my pants at an editorial meeting or the UCB?

7) I'm on the watch list Everytime they tell me this, they hit the return key on their keyboard and say I'm ok to board. It's like a boring, awkward version of Phillip K. Dick.

8)I smoked crack by accident I was hanging with these street toughs and they rolled a blunt. I smoked it and it tasted funny. They explained I was smoking a banger-a blunt with crack in it. Changed my life, much like the KISS movie did.

Read these great bloggers who will hopefully play along:

Hopefully these bloggers will play along:

The Apiary

Dead Frog

TSOYA

Stereogum (Scott and Amrit)

French Fry Head

Third Evolution

My Daily Observational Humor

This week on the gag reel...

As reported last week, Sean Crespo has just gotten a gig for a Domino's commercial AND a McDonald's voice-over. No word on whether the pizza commercial...

Lucas Held Is Funny Silly

Shsrper Image Founder Awakens,...,ahh, he says it funnier,...,

Potential Seinfeld Scandals

First Kramer gives a racist rant.

Then Jerry tells a creepy rape joke.

Guess birds of a feather rape bees with forks up their asses together.




Here are some other potential scandals that are bound to put Seinfeld in a negative light:

George Costanza calls for genocide on tall people, or a tall-ocaust.

Elaine pushes Cubans off a raft, screaming "Get out!"

Newman mails "anthrax" to the cast of Thank God You're Here as a prank

The Soup Nazi stops serving matzo ball soup -- and Jews.

Babu is seen pouring hot nacho cheese on Malaysian servants.

J. Peterman bounces a check.

On This Week's Gag Reel...

The abhorrent Last Comic Standing may be a divining rod that taps into all that comedy fans and comedians despise about mainstream comedy, but some decent comedians made it to the next round in last week's episode: Arj Barker;
Amy Schumer; Joe DeVito.

Unfortunately, LCS also makes good comics look dumb. Matt Skkye was shown doing some kind of bobcat beatbox...

Speaking of Summer Comedy Films...

Whip It Out



College Humor

Summer Comedy Trailer Music

You know how trailers for summer film comedies seem to have that one ubiquitous song? I predict that song will be OK Go's "Here It Goes Again."



dadadadadadadadada
"Meet Chad Buchman"
DADA-DA-DA-DA-DA
"Never made it with the ladies"dadadadadadadada
"But now he is a mongoose cop"
DADA-DADA-DA-DADA-DA-DA

(record scratch) Jessica Alba: "Where's my girdle?"

Buchman: "Gulp."

"Uh here it goes here it goes..."
Jon Reep. Jessica Alba. Mongoose Patrol.
DAAAAAAA!

Here's a list of ubiquitous summer comedy trailer anthems from summers past:

Smash Mouth, "Can't Get Enough of You Baby"
Third Eye Blind, "Semi-Charmed Life"
Pussycat Dolls, "Don'cha"
House of Pain, "Jump Around"

Add any anthems I missed in the comments.

Mundane Dream Journal: Longest Soap Opera

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I was wondering what the longest-running soap opera in history was in my dream. I guessed "Days of Our Lives" and as if to confirm it the iconic hourglass appeared on TV. This represents my repressed desire to fuck possum corpses.

Google Maps Extreme Street View

Fucking brilliant video from Sean Crespo poking fun at Google Maps. By "poking" I mean "I'm glad he doesn't have a rectal prolapse."

New Gag Reel

Click on this link and read it please. Just check out the DVD pick at least.

Maxim's Review of Dane Cook's Performance in Mr. Brooks

Maxim is one of the few publications to give a positive review of Mr. Brooks. Haven't read the review yet but here's how I imagine it would read.




Bro, Dane Cook's performance bros the competition's out of the water. Dane Cook is full of bro-vado. I got paid to review this film but I'm gonna keep spending money until I'm bro-ke. Bro bro-ke. Cook has worked his ass off - he's paid his dudes. He's just one circle jerk and paddle whack away from bro'in up and becoming a movie star. I hear he likes bromide. No the band the Bro Bremmels. That's it. Anyway, he's overdude for an Oscar. Bro-vo Dane Cook, Bro-vo. Hey they should call it Mr. Cooks. Wait even better: Mr. Bro-ooks. Bro dude Axe Body Spray Hootie.

On a Personal Note: How To Namedrop Films At The ER

In this segment I tell humorous personal anecdotes. If you hate personal blog posts, skip this; there's plenty of non-personal stuff on this blog as well.

I've set the record for the amount of times "corneal abrasion" has been mentioned in a blog. Fine. One last time. My girlfriend took me to the ER when I first felt the abrasion. It felt like I had a Dorito stuck in my eye. One of those 3-D ones.

Anyhoosier, the doctor was shining this light into my eye to look at the abrasion. She wanted my girlfriend to look. Instead, my lover winced, saying it reminded her too much of Un Chien Andalou. My doctor did not get the reference but I did.


Never before had I wished to be more ignorant of Surrealist film history. While the doctor effortlessly went about her business, I was shrieking like a kitten in a vat of whipped cream. The doctor anaesthetized my eye so I felt no pain but never had a film reference cause me so much anguish. Why couln't she reference The Wizard or even The Garbage Pail Kids Movie? She could have even referenced Die Hard. I wonder if she has a list of films that directly correspond to their respective ailments?


Dick trauma: There's Something About Mary

Pregnancy: Junior

Anguish: Zapped

Drink At Work Vlogs

I would try to bring the funny myself but dammit I just got over a scratch on my fucking cornea. So let me outsource the giggles to Carol and Sean from Drink at Work, who are both vlogging on NBC's DotComedy.

See You Thursday

I have a corneal abrasion and can't spend too much time on the computer till Thursday
:(

Hey DJ Who Leaked Icky Thump...

Don't act like you be surpreezeed that Jack White got mad you leaked his album. Yeah, I said it, Jack White's album. It's as much Meg's album as it is Mark McGrath's.

Here are some other things that may, believe it or not, put Whitey in the throes of homicidal rage:

- Screaming "Detroit what" at his kitten's funeral.

- Describing his music as a mix between Smashing Pumpkins and Zwan.

- Giving him a drive-by manicure at a strip mall.

- Locking him in a charnel house. Yup, that alone will do it.

One of these has a Pepsi Rewards bottle cap*


- Saying he's too "white," hyena laughing it up and giving off one of those fucking grating post-guffaw sighs that let everyone know your laugh has come to an end. Really, your quasi-epileptic seizure is over now? Good cuz without the sigh you would be perpetually laughing. No, go ahead, sigh it up you brazen laugh whore.

- Thinking about your doorbell. Don't do it. You just did it.

- When he finally gets in your face, breaking the tension by saying "I guess a 'Seven Nation Army' can't hold you back. Hyuk hyuk sigh."

- Calling him at 5:30 in the morning like a coked-up tranny talking about your favorite Family Guy episode.

- Telling him he's the cutest Stroke.

* Photo courtesy of Meneldur through CC license

Remembrance of Videos Past #46: Carly Simon, "Let The River Run"

Same thought I had then as now: less slutty Taylor Dane. This is easily the sexiest music video with Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey in it.

Bullshit/Bulltrue: Hipsterati edition

I made a new game called Bullshit/Bulltrue. It's like Blufr except it's less addictive. Simply guess if the "fun fact" is true and click on the link to see if you are right.

I gave a shout out to a black porn site when Time Out New York interviewed me.

Bullshit or bulltrue?

World Cinema: Greek Disco

Leave it to the Greeks to put on an epic disco. Get ready for the face that launched a thousand hips. Enjoy some Greco-bonin culture. Gyro boogie!

Summer Movie Preview

Check out the summer comedy preview I wrote up for The Apiary. This looks particularly interesting:

Wedding Daze - August 17
Isla Fisher makes her second summer comedy appearance; joining her is Jason Biggs. This is the first feature written and directed by Michael Ian Black.

Doug Benson on LCS

I usually watch Last Comic Standing as a guilty pleasure but here are the top ten according to Shecky (via AST):
Gerry Dee
Deb DiGiovanni
Amy Schumer
Dante
Jon Reep
Ralph Harris
Matt Kirshen
Doug Benson
Lavelle Crawford
Gina Yashere

Benson was also on last year but he was in the online competition. Congrats Mr. Benson. Here's a sample of his work from the High Times Comedy Show.

Lost vs. 24

Round one: Lost
Round two (season finales): Oh my god Lost you killed 24. Keep it down? you sick fuck you want me to keep down that you shredded, incinerated and slapped Jack Bauer's flesh ashes? No I'm telling the cops. Wait, what do you mean you'll see me in January? Hello? Since when did you drive a van?

New Gag Reel In Apiary

Highlight is the Nick Swardson clip

The Worst Song In Recorded History

Yeah '90s pop was great. You didn't have to sift through music blogs to get celestially great music; just turn on the radio on any given day in 1997 and you could hear Radiohead, Beck, Wu Tang. But the '90s pop landscape was also abysmal in kind. Gut wrenchingly awful. We might gripe about the top 100 now, but let us be grateful that there are not so many cheery, tepid, vanilla, Friends-soundtrack-ready breezy rock bands like Third Eye Blind or Hootie on the airwaves. This was the worst of that genre, even though it came out in 2000. Have a miserable Monday! Don't forget to show this video to the lady in accounts payable. She'll absolutely love it...when she smiles.

Bullshit/Bulltrue: Opal Gunderson, Guitar Virtuoso

I made a new game called Bullshit/Bulltrue. It's like Blufr except it's less addictive. Simply guess if the "fun fact" is true and click on the link to see if you are right.

There was a punk rocker in the '70s with a cult following named Opal Gunderson who, during one concert, got stabbed in the hand and kept playing his bottleneck guitar using the knife jutting out from the palm of his bleeding hand as a guitar pick. Fans appreciated the abrasive, atonal music (even though he cut all the strings after one song and the show [at a bowling alley] ended early) but he was too obscure, as he was part of the very small Eastern Long Island Montauk Point yacht and clipper ship punk scene of the late '70s.


Bullshit or bulltrue?

Remembrance of Videos Past #45: Barbara Jean, Lily Tomlin and Gospel Choir, "It Don't Worry Me"

It don't worry me.

Mundane Fucked Up Dream Journal: Jennifer Aniston Film

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marveled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams. Dude this dream is all like wooooooah!

Manifest content: I had a dream that I was watching a film trailer with Jennifer Aniston in this movie where she pouts a lot while We Five (playing on my iPod alarm clock at the time) is playing in the background. She particularly pouts a lot when she sees this black-haired gentleman. At the the end of the trailer she dies her hair platinum blond and so does he. The rest of the film is about a game of one-upmanship to see whose hair can be more yellow.

Latent content: I like the taste of pan-seared shit with snow cap peas.

My Two Columns

Now I write for Apiary and Dead Frog

Amir/Human Giant Prank War