Guest Blogger: Retarded Vampire

I am very busy at work today so my guest blogger is Retarded Vampire, who is not gainfully employed.

Good evening dear readers. How, you may ask yourself in your head, can me, who feels burny in the light that comes not from a flashlight but from a sun, how me can blog in the daytime? I don’t know. I am burning. Donate blood real quick to 14 Driggs Ave., Williamsburg, OOO!OWWWW!!!!!!

Wait; I am now moved computertop lap into darky loft. Good. So anyway please donate your blood to me. This feels like I should call it a blood pledge drive. So please donate your blood to reader-supported Mo!Comedy.

WIAT! Let me think hardy about things that are interesting – make that Internetisting.

Do these guys think of Blackula funnily?

Wait for it- Robert Ghoulet. I kill me—WIAT I’m immortal. Bwahaha!

Webmaster I want for site idea: BloodFeed

How come no Undead Frog?

This site will make you tremble with laughter in way that you clutch your sides and go to hospital because your stomasch is ripped open. Then maybe you can find it in your heart to donate blood?

Vampire cell phone sucks electricity. Ooh, never tried electricity. Meh, tastes like battery.





VAT! Make fun of foreigners? I will bring my Freddy Krueger ventriloquist doll to your show, slice you with ventriloquist doll then, ok I forgive you. Please send me blood as Facebook gift. Vampire poke!

Cereal Offenders

In the ‘80s there was this strange Saturday morning commercial trend of cartoon characters stealing cereal:

The Cookie Crook stealing Cookie Crisp




Barney Flinstone stealing Fruity Pebbles



The Trix rabbit stealing Trix.



These animated promos often had a humorous tone, which is odd because I find nothing funny about someone so desperate to eat that he steals food. Not money, food. Most starving robbers are OK with stealing money. Stealing food is many things—pathetic, baleful, an altogether gut-wrenchingly miserable affair. But funny? No. Throngs of people die from hunger.

If someone stole my bowl of cereal, I certainly wouldn’t chase him. I’ve lived with roommates before; roommates steal cereal from each other time and again. No big. The only reason I would chase after someone famished enough to steal my box of Honey Smacks is to tell them they forgot the milk.

Remember when kids voted for the Trix rabbit to eat some Trix? Of course they did—what kind of malevolent degenerate laughs at a starving rabbit?

So help yourself to some Cookie Crisp. I need a new roommate.

Worst Funk Awards

Worst Funk Philosophy Book: I Think Therefore I Jam, written by Dr. Souls

Worst Funk President: Abrajam Stinkin

Worst Funk Novel: Jamerican Psycho, Bret Easton Smellis

Worst Funk Comedy Tour: Non-def Comedy Jam

Worst Funk Vegan Band: Beat Is Murder

Worst Funk Social Networking Site (three-way-tie): MyBass; BassBook; Funkster

Worst Funk Computer: The Mack 3000

Worst FunkGadget: The iFunk

Worst Prime Minister of Funk: Mahmoud Ahmadineslam of Ijam


I want you to join Uncle Jam’s Army

Happy Birthday Song vs. Superbug

Did you know that singing the “Happy Birthday” song to yourself while washing your hands can help you fight off the deadly staph infection that’s killing more Americans than AIDS every year?

If you just touched a toilet seat with fluorescent-colored ectoplasm, you might want to add the “How Old Are You Know” remix.

Now whenever I celebrate birthdays, I am reminded of the gruelling battle against MRSA, which makes the cake that much sweeter.

What's happening now is that every now and again, I sing "Happy Birthday" out loud while washing my hands, which draws many a puzzled look in my direction.

That said, fight staph today by wishing Giulia Rozzi a happy birthday!

Lyrics:

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Giulia Rozzi
Happy birthday to you

How old are you know
How old are you know
How old are you know
How old are you know

Happy birthday to you
You live in a zoo
You look like a gorilla
And yo mamma does too

Happy birthday to you
Staph might just kill you
Wash your hands every time
You go to the loo

Who Wants To Be My Online Comedy Partner?

TSOYA has done it again with another amazing link, this one to Stylus magazine’s list of comedy duos. Which gave me the idea: who wants to be my blogging comedy partner? I post funny comments on my partner’s blog, my partner posts bon mots on mine. Who’s gayme?

I’m the one on the right

Who’s The Suge Knight Of Alt-Comedy?

TSOYA linked to this splendid SF Gate article on SF alt-scene when I found this little nugget:

Along with playing indie clubs, comedians have been signing with indie labels. Major independent labels such as Subpop and Drag City have comedians on their rosters, a trend that Rian Murphy of Drag City says is very much in the tradition of his label, although the practice has "a lot of room to grow."
Drag City's flagship comedian is the droll and often disgusting Hamburger, who works a lounge-lizard persona and is one of the few comics to make a career out of touring nonconventional venues.
Record labels have also, logically, signed acts that fuse music and comedy. There are numerous examples, including Subpop's Australian duo Flight of the Conchords (who also have a show on HBO) and "SNL's" Fred Armisen, who has recorded under numerous musical pseudonyms and has teamed with Sleater-Kinney's Carrie Brownstein as ThunderAnt on Drag City.
"Tenacious D signaled a turning point in musical comedy," Murphy says of the faux metal band consisting of actors Jack Black and Kyle Gass. "It brought the two things together. You didn't have to choose between being a musical act or a comedy act."
It's hard to say what makes for good chemistry between a label, a band and a comedian, but it somehow makes aesthetic sense for hip, sarcastic nerds like David Cross and Eugene Mirman to tour with indie groups.

So who is the Suge Knight of the alt-comedy labels?

Tony Kiewel, obviously. Why else can’t you find a good picture of him online?

America Loves Watching Hot Women Get Eliminated

Looking at some of the biggest reality shows in America (America’s Most Smartest Model, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love), one can’t help but conclude that Americans' cockles get warm every time they see hot women get eliminated. The epistemological truth about reality, according these shows, is that it is our intrinsic, biological imperative to systematically eliminate a house infested with a bevy of alluring ladies until there is one left.

I have always assumed that this is not the case, but perhaps I am being too cynical and close-minded to accept scientific evidence. Maybe this is why women in fundamentalist Muslim countries are told to wear burkas; so they can be eliminated indiscriminately.

This is why each week I will ban one hot woman from writing comments on my blog.

My girlfriend, Amy, will be the first one eliminated.

Watch your back, Jerell.

Oh, I'll moderate your comments, all right

Harvard Comedy

Just read this article on Shecky envisioning a future in which stand-ups are all from Harvard.


"But sir, I went to Oxford. Please listen to my Facebook joke."

"No dear lad, only Harvard grads. Give it up for your next comic, Poindexter Rutherford."

"Thanks. So who here has worked on a game theory problem, huh? This guy's like 'Shut up, my wife is here!'"

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 7

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"

A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.

But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?

Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.

Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).


When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…

"A faggot with a heart of gold and a B.A. in Criminal Justice! Come on, we're going to White Castle."

“Figures, a queen wants to go to a castle.”

“Well what do you suggest?”

“Jessica Alba is in town giving a press conference.”
“Yes, so what do you wanna do?”
“Dude, I wanna ram my mayonnaise gun in her baloney taco.”

As Amir drove down the New Jersey Turnpike, he had a frightening moment of clarity. Time seemed to grind to a halt. Looking to his right, he saw mad scientist cackling in his Dodge Ram. The mad scientist beamed with pride as he looked at his custom-built... .. miniature diorama of the Camp David accords, accurate right down to Zbigniew Brzezinski's adorable little novelty cufflinks, which were in the shape of two penguins kissing.

As Amir focused his binoculars on the novelty cufflinks, Kyle said “Light’s green, cock vein!” A half-mile past the Camp David van (which has Anwar Sadat, Menachem Begin and Jimmy Carter holding hands and crossing a finish line while riding three conjoined unicorns airbrushed on the side), Kyle asked Amir, “Wait, wasn’t that the host of Tic Tac Doe in that diorama?”

“No,” Amir shot back. “That was Zbigniew Brzezinski, President Carter’s National Security Adviser.”

Circle gets a square...I mean Israel and Egypt get a peace treaty.


“Oh,” Kyle murmured with his head hanging low. “Well who was that guy behind the van with the Mad Rejuvenator machine?”

“MAD REJUVENATOR,” Amir exclaimed. “Describe this Mad Rejuvenator!”

Kyle described it as…

Redefining Comedy On The Web

Think Radiohead is the first to suggest you name your own price to listen to music? There is a service named SongSlide that allows users to do this. Comedic musician Jonathan Coulton is prolly the biggest musician on SongSlide.

In addition to letting fans name their own price, they also use Eventful, which lets fans alert their favorite artists of venues in their towns that are open for the artist to perform in. That way, the artist can perform in your town.




So Coulton has forged a new path for comedians; in the future, you can theoretically pay 2 dollars for David Cross’s new album and have him perform at the Yellow Star Revue in Central Bumplefuck.

Speaking of Bumplefuck, the mindset of said town needs to change its perceptions of black comedy. Tired of token black guys leaving work to continue mining the differences between blacks and whites, The Black Comedy Project aims to forge a new African-American comedy movement on the web in which comedians can nurture their own voices. Without making up a fear of swimming or a love of fat women.

I am especially moved by this. As a North African-American, I would like to be considered a comedian first, an artist second and an Egyptian third. Even if I decide to talk about the Arab-American experience, I prefer to steer clear of the “terrorist/hairy back” paradigm that seems all but obligatory in Arab-American comedy shows. I do not wish to be in the Hack-sis of Evil.

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 6

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"

A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.

But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?

Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.

Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).


When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…

"A faggot with a heart of gold and a B.A. in Criminal Justice! Come on, we're going to White Castle."

“Figures, a queen wants to go to a castle.”

“Well what do you suggest?”

“Jessica Alba is in town giving a press conference.”
“Yes, so what do you wanna do?”
“Dude, I wanna ram my mayonnaise gun in her baloney taco.”

As Amir drove down the New Jersey Turnpike, he had a frightening moment of clarity. Time seemed to grind to a halt. Looking to his right, he saw mad scientist cackling in his Dodge Ram. The mad scientist beamed with pride as he looked at his custom-built...

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 5

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"

A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.

But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?

Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.

Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone… who can't figure out why New York from I Love New York is having such a hard time finding love. All she has to do is call herself Tiffany and sacrifice her mother at the Temple of The Goat (not to be confused with Seattle grunge outfit Temple of the Dog).

I'm goin' hungry...for something with a little "flava"

When Amir asked his friend if he just heard the news report, his friend Kyle said “Dude, what kind of faggot listens to the news and not the sports," to which Amir responded…

Check This Wacky Stuff Out

Josh Filpowski



Whip It Out Comedy

The Perfect Girl - Watch more free videos

Interview With Bill Burr

Well readers, you know you've made it as a blogger when you get a free Bill Burr CD. I decided to interview Mr. Burr because:

a) he was a cast member in one of the best sketch shows in history (Chappelle's Show)

b) few contemporary white comedians can talk about race better than Burr

c) in the world of stand-up Burr has garnered a reputation as the Hendrix of taking down hecklers

d) (for the obvious-impaired)he's funny.

The reissue of his 2003 CD Emotionally Unavailable is on sale at What Are Records. Blah blah blah you still reading this? Scroll down to the interview already.



When you started out in comedy did you have your own voice already or did you find yourself imitating your heroes?

When I started out, I worked totally clean for the first year or two. I don’t know why I did. I think I just wanted crowds to like me, and I thought if I wasn’t dirty I wouldn’t get heckled as much. It took me a couple of years to find that my voice involved lacing all material with the f word and making stupid faces. That formula really helps if you’re trying to cover up an inability to write a joke.

Do you have any horror stories of starting out in comedy?

The biggest horror story I’ve had in comedy was living with Robert Kelly. The only thing I’ve found worse than that experience is having a conversation with Keith Robinson.

What definitive moment made you want to do stand-up? Did you watch David Brenner and decide that you wanted to do this for a living?
Watching comedians with my Dad and seeing him laugh made me want to be a comedian.

You were on Chappelle's Show for a few episodes. Have your ever done sketch before then?
I never did sketch before Chappelle’s Show. I never really looked at his show as a sketch show. It seemed more like we were making short movies.

You seem to have an obsession with strippers and hookers in your act. Why?
I love whores. Always have.

When is a joke racist and when is it politically incorrect?
I think it all comes down to intent. If you really mean what you’re saying the crowd will sense it and you’ll be in a tough situation. That’s why I’ve always hated when someone says that someone, “Can get away with…” doing certain material. “Getting away with” implies that you are saying something in a malicious way rather than just fucking around.

Once you were scheduled to appear on Human Giant, Aziz Ansari's show but you couldn't make it. Would you ever do an alternative comedy show?

I was on Human Giant. That is an incredible blow to me and my ego that you didn’t notice my 48 second interview with Aziz during their 24 hours marathon.


I wish I saw it. Can we expect any future TV cameos from you?
Well I know I'M expecting to be on TV some more. Let's just hope the people that make those decisions feel the same way.

You became a YouTube legend after a video was uploaded of
you giving an unruly Philadelphia audience a tongue-lashing. What are some tips on fending off drunken hecklers?
There are a bunch of different ways to go about it. But the basic theme is "Go fuck yourself." Greg Fitzsimmons is the best I've ever seen. I learned a lot watching him when I started out. He was the first guy I saw that didn't have some stock or prepared generic line for hecklers. He would take every situation as it came and would then, in a very personal and painful way, dissect the heckler's life. Not only would it shut the person up, no one else would yell out for the rest of the show.

What would you tell a comedian starting out trying to find his voice?
My advice to new comedians is: Get a catch phrase. That’s where the money is at. And if you can some how write an hour of material about the same subject, there will be no stopping you.


What other new comedians do you like?
As far as new comics in New York, I like Joe DeRosa, Jay Oakerson, and Kurt Metzger. I just moved to LA so I haven’t been out here long enough to know who’s doing what.

When can we expect a brand new album from you?
I'm shooting an hour long DVD next month in NYC. It will be in stores in 2008. I’m really excited about getting this next hour of material out there, blowing up, and being able to afford an assistant to pretend to be me and answer all my myspace emails. Until then I’ll continue to answer the 7 questions I get every three days.

If you could be on any TV comedy what would it be?

I want to be the guy that gets yelled at via satellite on one of those Left Wing/Right Wing talking head shows. I'm currently perfecting my "flabbergasted look" when I can't interject my feelings on how the world should be run.






PREVIOUSLY:

Bill Burr rants on MySpace

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 4

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. In the next post, that comment will be in bold After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"

A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.

But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?

Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio… a white undercover officer and a wise-cracking black undercover officer were involved in a shoot-out at Juggles the night before. Police were investigating how Baby Eddie Murphy and Baby Judge Reinhold entered the strip club. And more importantly, where did Baby Eddie Murphy learn those filthy Idle Hands jokes.

Amir had a look on his face similar to that of someone…

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 3

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw…Seth Green.

But not just any Seth Green—it was Can’t Buy Me Love–era Seth Green. Worse, he was riding piggyback on a 1987 Patrick Dempsey/Ronald Miller. Alba tried to make an R-rated, unfunny Idle Hands joke (is there any other kind), but Young Seth said she was “icky.” Jessica Alba was bewildered. Was there a mad scientist on the loose turning celebrities into their younger, more awkward selves? A mad rejuvenator?

Meanwhile, at a nondescript strip mall in Edison, New Jersey, two frat boys walked out of local strip club, Juggles. When Amir got in his car, he turned on the car radio and felt like he was in a movie. According to CBS News Radio,______________

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal Chapter 2

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to ...show up wearing a L.A. Gear acid washed denim jacket from 1989 with white fringe dripping from the sleeves, while screaming "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"
A reporter asked her which mall and she said “the Sky Mall silly. It’s got all the best stuff.” All the reporters gasped in horror when all of a sudden they saw____

Sign Off For Boing Boing Reporter On Daily Video Segment

This is Mark Fraunfelder live from the basement. Back to you Mom.

The Opposite Of Comedy

If comedy is when someone expresses pain and anguish to make people laugh, then the opposite is when people laugh to make other people cringe and writhe in unfathomable horror.

Moby Schtick Part II: This Time It’s Personal

Yes, I’m repeating that gimmick exploration of longform joketelling again. This time, you the reader can participate. Just “fill in the blank” in the comments section. I will of course use the first comment I see. After I complete the sentence I will write a new one with a new blank—and new BBQ chicken McWraps. Here goes.

No one at the press conference knew why Jessica Alba thought it was funny to __________.

PREVIOUSLY:

Moby Schtick: The World's Longest Joke

Late To The Party (But High)

These are things I’ve been drinking in with the pleasure of a whirling dervish the past few weeks, but haven’t had the time to praise.

Upright Citizens’ Brigade, Season 2 DVD

The modern TV sketch comedy revolution began in earnest with The State in 1994 and continued with Mr. Show, which ended its run in 1998. That’s when the UCB came to the rescue. Besides the tasty trimmings (live audience Q&A, deleted scenes) what’s truly remarkable is how little the episodes have aged. Indeed, it’s as if the Del Close disciples saw into the future of comedy and recorded it for the 20th century (yes, I just wrote “indeed.”). A pleasure unique to the UCB series is trying to figure out the theme of each episode. I swear the theme of one episode is “everybody gets zapped.”

Though all the episodes are remarkable, the one where Matt Besser tosses throwing stars with a limp wrist is a work of “super-cool” genius.

Challengers, The New Pornographers

It is almost hackneyed at this stage to disparage a Pitchfork review, but they really lost their aim on this one. Most of the songs are lambasted for having “flat” or “awkward” structure. Does this mean that all songs must conform to the standard Pop Hook Style Manual? The subdued nature of this album is a welcome departure from their sunny, twee pop anthems (much as I worship them like the alien Canadian relics they are). Each song sounds like the season finale of a great TV show where a hot couple breaks up in time for sweeps week. I imagine Dawson and Joey breaking up during “Challengers” and Pacey and Joey breaking up during “The Spirit of Giving In.”

Strawberry Jam, Animal Collective

If liking this album makes me a hipster, then I’ll wear that ringer tee with the accompanying horn rimmed glasses. If loving “Peacebone” makes me an art fag, then I suppose I will have to pose for those Robert Mapplethorpe photos. If writing a rave review of Animal Collective is the most hack thing a blogger can do, then get ready for a slew of wacky cat pictures and anti-Bush screeds.

Egyptian Deductive Logic Comedy Hour

I am Egyptian

There is a product called Egyptian Magic

It is a cream

You do the math

You sure you don't want to wipe my Egyptian cream off your face?

America To Dane Cook: Fuck Chuck

Our great nation is like Tina Turner—constantly in love with these abusive, cocky Ike Turners before waking up and showing those broke-ass jive turkeys the door. Except, unlike The GILF Goddess, America’s too late. The Bush Backlash began two years ago—after he was reelected, natch. Now Dane Cook has flopped at the box office yet again with Good Luck Chuck. But he’s still the Mayor of MySpace.

Why is the Cook-Alba sex romp such a bomb?

Two reasons:

"Both of them know how to a deliver a joke," she began. "Dane has lived funny. Larry [David] knows funny and just is funny. You know what I mean? And the beauty of working with Larry is that there's no script. With Dane and I, because it was a script we had to make it seem like it was unfolding. We had to work a little harder to get the spontaneity, but we didn't mind doing the work."

So he has difficulty thinking of jokes? He can steal write jokes, but when asked to think of one on the spot, he caterwauls and prances like a Russian disco instructor.

Second reason:
Theory Number Two—Nobody Wants to See Him with Hot Goofy Chicks: Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot. My dad has a crush on her. She can happily tell you that her tooth is fake, point it out and somehow still look like a glamazon. She's happy-hot, too. When Dane made one of his offbeat references to The Wizard of Oz at the premiere, she laughed, "Where does he get these references? I don't even think of them!"
"I don't know," he said. "I'm inspired by you and your shiny dress."
So goes the pattern for Dane. Team up with a hot chick who has yet to make a big romantic comedy—Jessica Simpson and Alba—and make them crack up. It's a noble cause, but Dane's fans are not gonna pay to see him swap spit with hot nice-seeming twentysomethings. He would have better box office if he romanced an elder hot chick, like maybe Goldie Hawn. Don't you agree?

What? You mean sexy people aren't funny? What's not to laugh at? Dude with pecs shoots his wad on more snatch than Guy Ritchie? I mean come on, look at the central conflict--guy gets girls, guy doesn't get one girl, guy eventually gets one girl. If you can't empathize, you oughtta be smacked by Ike Turner.

Remembrance Of Videos Past #50: Joe Public, “Live and Learn”

I love that old saw, “You’ve got to live and learn.” But every time I say it, this terrible New Jack Swing monstrosity comes to mind. Worst part about it is my girlfriend and I are the only ones who remember this song and we both hate it.

Much as I abhor this shitty ditty, I confess I am enamored with those backward trumpet samples. Like Terminator X is on the 1 and 2.

Still, the band’s name is Joe Public, which is fitting because the band is as unrecognizable as your average Joe Public or Joe Scmoe.

What Ahmadinejad Said Off-Stage At Columbia University

Yeah, we all know, Ahmadinejad, president of Iran, said there are no gays in Iran and that the Holocaust didn’t happen during his little press junket at Columbia University. But if you think that was shocking, you have no idea what was overheard coming out of his bilious, hairy mouth when he toured the rest of the campus.

Student Union: We don’t have wacky, college humor newspapers in Iran. Well, except for The HA!-locaust. It’s like our version of The Onion with funny fake news stories about the fake Holocaust

Library: We have no Internet in Iran. Only Sega CDs with looped footage of my speeches.


What is this Night Trap you speak of?


Science Building: Oh, so that’s what uranium is. I thought it was an aquarium filled with piss.

Frat Party: Awww, man. Why you gotta lip the blunt like that? It’s like you’re an Iranian male prostitute swallowing the firm, thick, veiny penis of a tough Middle Eastern leader who likes wearing Member’s Only jackets. What?


You ladies really need to wash your burkas. Am I right, fellas?

My 500th Post On This Site

On the one hand, I feel this is a self-congratulatory post. Having said that, I can’t let it go unnoticed. Here’s a clip show of all the best posts from April of aught six to today:

Yeah Yeah No


How Punk Became a 30 Year Old MySpace Creep


Hot Rock Genres



A Guide to Geeks, Nerds, Dorks and Herbs



The Top 40 Blogs By and For Comedians


Could This Be the Most Unintentionally Funny Season of "24" Yet?


Passive-Aggressive Copy Editor Replies To Jokes E-Mailed To Her


Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA

Tricornered Hats Lead To Musket Wounds

Mundane Dream Journal: Britney’s Toxic DVD

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I had a dream that I was watching a Britney Spears movie on DVD that was so bad, I stopped watching it and did some work from home. This represents my repressed desire to shit on my estranged father’s chest.

Punch Lines Take A Beating In The Press

SHECKYmagazine shines when it tackles the media’s apparent bias against punch lines. In January, they called out the LA Times’ bias against mainstream comedy and now they caught this article in Philly.com attacking punch lines in television shows.

From the article:

Comedy isn't dead, it's just been outsourced - to shows more like Weeds than Everybody Loves Raymond. Shows that are not so much sitcoms as sitcomish, single-camera conceits that are slick and dramatic (but not quite so dramatic to be considered dramedies) - but also consistently funny. Like 30 Rock or The Office. Shows that do not pause for three seconds after the joke, shows that don't acknowledge there's been a joke at all. Shows that on paper might not be funny at all.

Now I appreciate awkward comedy, anti-humor, avant garde comedy, etc. as much as the next bitter, media-obsessed scribe. But do we really have to choose? Is it so wrong to have punch lines? Must everything be subtle and dry? Must everybody be a disciple of the Del Close/Andy Kaufman School of What The Fuck?

Consider the great comedians who use punch lines (Demetri Martin, Patton Oswalt, Doug Benson, Chris Rock). Are these comedians wrong for entertaining us with written jokes that have set-ups and resolutions?

Of course, critics have a built-in postmodern, academic bias against resolutions. Everything must be open-ended. No resolutions or statements allowed.


Ironically, I can’t find a satisfying resolution for this blog post. Happy now, you joke-hating fucktards?

Mundane Dream Journal: MyDreamSpace

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I dreamt that I checked my MySpace profile to see if the Mates of State song successfully loaded to my profile. I woke up before I could find out. This represents my repressed desire to have copious amounts of unctuous sex with vintage footwear.

Quirk Off

According to this Atlantic Monthly article (via BuzzFeed), the quirky hipster sensibility behind Miranda July, Wes Anderson and This American Life is passe. Though I'm not sure I agree with all his examples (Flight of the Conchords transcends trendiness), I had tried to express a similar sentiment when I was interviewed by Time Out New York, saying that hipsters might ruin comedy. Like I say in the interview, they haven’t necessarily done so, but there is a great danger they might. Two things to add to what I said in TONY:

a) Quirk might not be such a problem, but the prejudice against non-quirk is a bit much. Heaven forbid anyone make anything close to a statement about anything. One of the few things that mainstream comedy can still do better than alternative comedy is put what’s wrong with the world (war, bigotry, etc.) into perspective. Irony has its place, but it seems like outrage against the war doesn’t play well in the alt rooms. I haven’t seen it anyway. In fairness, comedians are rarely able to pull off anti-establishment screeds as well as Hicks or Carlin did, but, like Michael Hirschorn says in the Atlantic Monthly article, irony is easy, which means that it often comes across cheap.

b) Irony is cheap because it is far from a scarce resource. But, just like too many cheap Dollar Menu burgers make you sick, too much irony—especially the nerdy, “robot vs. ninja” hipster/nerd variety, can be cloying. I guess it’s like indie rock—after a while, the clichés wear on you, but the mainstream is far worse.

gag reel

u know u wanna read it

Jack McBrayer's Drug Tips

The only thing wrong with this video: you can't vote "funny."

In Search Of The Elusive Vagina Reynolds

I searched for "Vagina Reynolds" and tracked her history.
First, I saw her in the site Asia Pacific Cyber Games. But only her name was there. No communication was picked up with Vagina Reynolds.

In Front Page mag, she made a comment about censorship. When you click on the comment: the page cannot be found.

Finally, in a site about see-through lingerie from Kiev, she disappears in an interminable sea of Google ads.

Where in the web is Vagina Reynolds?
Here's a picture.

This Is Why Rolling Stone Will Never Shut The Fuck Up About Bruce Springsteen

Schedules: Future Of Viral Vids

This article on online comedy initiatives in the latest issue of TONY has an interesting detail in the print edition: it gives the release date of the Bill Murray viral video, which was released today.



So is this the future of viral video? Will we have Fall Viral Video Previews? A summer viral season? Will Star Wars Kid fans be skeptical of upcoming sequels? Like Star Wars Kids?

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't look forward to a future of Chocolate Rain forecasts.

Comedians Are Bad Porn Actors

We’ve all heard that old canard: people become comedians because they want to make people laugh. That’s like saying people get into porn because they like to fuck. Who doesn’t like to fuck or make people laugh?

Just like almost every porn star was sexually abused, 99 percent of comics were verbally abused. Good comedians want to make people laugh; great comedians want revenge.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the porn and comedy industries are filled with fuck-ups; the industries themselves are capitalist perversions of things that humans have naturally enjoyed. Getting a rim job, sharing a laugh—these are intimate moments that normal people are content with experiencing without an audience or a paycheck.

And just like a porn actor’s worst nightmare is impotence, a comedian’s worst nightmare is being successfully zung by the school bully.

Sometimes those bullies aren’t people but institutions (religion, capitalism, Aerosmith). From Richard Pryor to David Cross, comedians have had a chip on their shoulder.

Aerosmith: the reason for alternative rock and comedy

So do I like to make people laugh? Almost as much as I want to make bullies cry and porn stars cum.

You Are Not As Over It As You Think You Are

How Drugs Can Enhance Brain-To-Game Interface

"Direct Brain-to-Game Interface Worries Scientists", the headline says. But drugs can enhance the experience:

So I push this button?

Marijuana: You eat more power-ups

Cocaine: Controls are rapid-fire

LSD: Every level is a warp zone

Alcohol: You act like every game is Dance Dance Revolution

Salvia: Game over

How To Be A Hateful Comedian

It's not easy being a totalitarian nowadays. Everyone is so PC. Stand-up comedy is the only field left where you can say whatever you want, damn the consequences. But what if you fall prey to the Kramer effect and no one wants to work with you again? Don't fret; this How-To will do plenty to teach you what it takes to be the best of the bilious.

1) ALWAYS pick an easy target

Don't bother going after specific ideologies (trickle down economics) or deflating certain fantasies (macho politically incorrect fantasy). Always go after Asians, Indians or retards (AIR).

2) When in doubt, curse

Fuck the shopping list; we all remember Lenny Bruce because he talked dirty. So let's say you can't quite articulate why the austere cultural traditions of Asians piss you off--just bob and weave like a drunk and say "fucking Asians."

3) You Love Nothing

Well, seriously speaking, you love thinking about William S. Burroughs licking mint tea off a Moroccan manservant's firm nut sac, but never say that onstage. If anything, say you hate the things you love.

4) NEVER say you hate pussy or beer

Say you hate football, say you hate America but never say you hate pussy or beer. Don't even say you hate the taste of pussy and beer. In fact, you might do yourself a favor and say that nothing tastes better than some 19-year-old Russian poon soaked in freshly-brewed lager

5) You hate your life even if you are rich and handsome

You have a girlfriend who blows you and buys you tickets to see action movies. Nope; she's still a shrewish cunt that is unworthy of your love. You are actually proficient at your day job and are gainfully employed; onstage, you remember that you are a pissed-off waiter who hates people with special orders

6) If you've found enlightenment after visiting that ashram in the Midwest that your roommate can't shut up about, make fun of your roommate

Aww come on man. If you were really enlightened you would know that suffering is a part of the human condition so you would suffer onstage then after the show snort some devil's dandruff off a drunk hooker's tits.


7) But what if some guy gets me on camera phone being an obnoxious blowhard? Like what happened to Kramer?

Get out a Super Soaker and squirt it at random audience members. Squirt it at all cell phones. That way the cell phone user will be electrocuted. At the very least, the evidence will be destroyed.

8) And how about those fucking Muslims?

Seriously. Crowd work is never easy. but rally the crowd behind concentration camps for Muslims and you are heckle-proof. If you are Muslim, then you should still say it. You people are killing yourselves blowing yourselves up anyway, concentration camps are good for the environment and y'all go to heaven quicker.

9) There is never too much hate

Secret: hateful guys get pussy. Try it. Get drunk and yell at everybody in a bar. See how much ferocious pussy you drain your hateful balls with.


10) What about the alt-rooms?

Sure I get it. You want some indie intercourse. Some Lower East Side Snatch. Some Park Slope poon. Just say you hate Nickelback. Which is true if you know how to read this list and have a high-speed Internet connection anyway.

Tricornered Hats Lead To Musket Wounds

And trucker hats lead to trailers. Not only do hipsters gentrify poor neighborhoods (diminishing the sphere of influence ethnic cultures have) but they also want to replace progressive New York culture with retro rural chic.

You'll have to pry this trucker hat from my cold, dead head

So trucker hats are fin, trailers are the craze.

By '08, trailers will be passe and guns will be hot, leading to homeless coke addicted hipsters with guns. Ironic redneck ghetto chic.

In '09, the KKK will be hip. The new KKK style will be white hoodies with lower-case KKKs emblazoned on them.

Canada, here I fucking come.

PLEASE PUT THIS ON RSS

Look readers, I am very busy and I cannot write everyday.

So please just put me on Bloglines or any other RSS aggregator and it will let you know when I update my blog. Yay.

Remembrance of Videos Past #49: Guns N Roses, "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" (Live at the Ritz)"

I never liked the studio version of this song on Use Your Illusion II. This, however, is GN'R in all their ragged, coke-freeze glory.
A '90s era Guns song played during the Appetite days. Slash's solo here is like giving cunnilingus to a banana bread muffin. And the banter.

"You know what time it is right now?"

It's the one year anniversary of "Remembrance of Videos Past."

Here's a look back at all the others.

And here's the one year anniversary special.

So great watching the audience trying to get louder than Axl.



BONUS:

Black Crowes, "Thorn in My Pride"

Mundane Dream Journal: Dry Eyes

After watching The Science of Sleep on DVD, I marvelled at how much surrealism my dreams lacked. In this column I hope to reach out to people with similarly ordinary dreams.

I was on this Disney World ride with my friends. The ride was stopped while we were on it and this Asian gentleman with a blow out haircut stepped into the car we were in, offering to moisten our contact lenses. My friends declined, but I said sure. I expected him to put the eye drops in for me, but he made a nervous face implying I should do it myself. I tried to but I kept missing my eye.

He kept saying "Come on" until I woke up. Good thing -- I was late for work. This represents my repressed desire for the Burger King to be an Asian man.

Gag Reel

Just read the first graf if u don't have time

Line Of The Millenium

"Bret Michaels Will Not Be Played!"-Bret Michaels, last night's episode of Rock of Love

Yeah, if you mean your solo album, Songs of Life.

I don't know why I watch Rock of Love. Suzanne Somers Bret Michaels is not as charismatic as Flavor Flav. The girls are not as unruly as Charm School's.

And every other song sounds like "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Seriously. I think one of them is called "Every Row Has Its Corn."

Every Bro Has His Porn

You're in your goddamned 40s Bret. How do you explain to your kids that their potential stepmother's crowning achievement was saying "I want some rocker ass" during a 30-second promo? I know it's embarrassing to work as a temp. Fuck it dude, join the Army. Be a special breed of Motorcycle Soldier. Keep it smoothed out on the Captain America tip and shit.

Or better yet, be Bush's brain; take Karl Rove's job. Be a "poison"-ous turd blossom.

Start a Rudyard Kipling book club.

Enter the Chinese toothpaste market.

Fuck it dude, just take some UCB sketch classes. You would bump David Cross in a rock musical with Yo La Tengo.

Anything but bitch and moan on VH-1 about a starfucker.

Yes, that's what he means by "I will not be played." Some woman is not there for him, but because he is a star.

The rest of them are not star fuckers however. Seriously, they never heard of you.

Things To Check Out

Cloverfield Tickets



Comix Two Year Anniversary Show


Michael Show V, Michael Ian Black
Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter will be the next participants in their ongoing experiment in improvisation. The dueling Michaels will go funny mano-a-mano in an improvised humor competition, to be posted on August 14, 2007.

The humor agon will go live at exactly 9 a.m. or so on August 14.





This Is Why I Brunch

I Now Pronouunce You Adam And Andy...

Remembrance of Videos Past #48: Tim Dog, "Fuck Compton"

In 1992, when I brought up Dr. Dre to one of my sophomore classmates in high school, he scoffed and said "No man, Tim Dog is the true NY shit. Fuck Compton."

And so began the shot heard nowhere around the world in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars. I've seen this video three times in my life:

1) once on Yo! MTV Raps
2) once on Playboy's Hot Rocks
3) YouTube

When the Rapture takes over New York City, Tim Dog will be left standing, telling a char-broiled Dr. Dre to suck his dick.

Family Guy Staff Meeting To Make A Film Adaptation Of The Show After The Resounding Sucess Of The Simpsons Movie

Head Suit

So let's talk Family Guy Film...

Suit #2

How about we start...with a flashback?

Head Suit

Genius. Fucking genius.

Suit #3

Then we can have a pop culture reference.

Head Suit

I'm in the zone; check it out -- a flashback to a pop culture reference.

Suit #2

Yeah yeah and then the second half of the movie is a pop culture reference to the 1990 film Flashback with Kiefer Sutherland and Dennis Hopper.

Suit #3

How about we put LSD in the water supply so everyone has flashbacks and we have a Warhol painting on each screen for the pop references?

Head Suit

Well we don't have to choose. All of the above sounds great. Now marketing. The Simpsons Movie replaced 7-11 signs with Kwik E-Mart signs. We've got do them one better.

Suit #2

How's about we replace the 7-11 employees with white people?

Head Suit

I'm sold. Say, what's taking the delivery guy so long? I'm more famished than an Ethiopian Rastafarian.

Suit #3

Let's just steal the Simpsons writers' lunch. They let us take everything else.

Wikipedia Articles Edited By The CIA

Has Reddit been drinking the Kool Aid or popping the blue pills? The front page had this article on the CIA editing Wikepdia articles. Here are some of the most notorious examples:


John F. Kennedy Assassination
Kennedy was downed in November 1963 by a bullet that fell out of an oil magnate's hamburger. Lee Harvey Oswald loved eating toy bullets in his hamburgers. He would joke with his friends saying he was going to "bite the bullet." That fateful day though, the chayenne pepper and Oswald's saliva combined to create gunpowder, propelling the bullet to Kennedy's head.

See magic bullet

Crack In Ghetto
Contrary to pernicious urban myths, crack was not disseminated in the ghetto by the CIA. Most historians believe crack cocaine originated during a hip-hop DJ's set in the South Bronx. A turntablist was cutting cocaine on his turntable when an AIDS monkey's blood spilled from the eaves of a duplex behind him. The blood fell on the powdered cocaine and began to congeal, hardening the cocaine. A baking soda truck then flipped over, dumping the cargo onto the fateful turntable. Thus prototypical crack was born. The DJ, Crack La Rock, distributed crack at rap concerts.

Jack Bauer



Jack Bauer is a rogue agent who must be stopped. I'll cut that trifling bitch!

Things You Can Do If Your Two-Year Old Pit Bull Is Violent

If I had my druthers, pit bulls would be tough but sweet, like sexy blaxploitation mothers. As it were, pit bulls can be unruly and mean. Either way, they don't have to be burnt to death to be punished. From what I understand, dogs aren't only susceptible to flames. Bullets and rotten chuck meat will suffice. Here are some pointers for punishing Pointer without a single drop of kerosene.

Burn yourself
Just think -- you can die violently, just like you lived.

Build A Bull Out Of Ice Cream And Have A Fake Pamplona Run That will confuse the pooch.

Play It Some Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam
OK I took it too far. Goodnight.

Sarcasting #5

Check out the new sarcasting.

Heavy metal slam poetry.

That's it -- heavy metal slam poetry.

Passive-Aggressive Copy Editor Replies To Jokes E-Mailed To Her

Blonde JokeTwo blondes MALE? FEMALE? had driven across the country to see Disney World DISNEY WORLD IS BIG; WHERE IN DISNEY WORLD? EPCOT? MAGIC KINGDOM? PLEASURE ISLAND? in Florida.WHEN? WHAT CITY IN FLORIDA???

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"REALLY??? WOULDN'T THAT LEAD THEM TO ONCOMING TRAFFIC? WHAT HIGHWAY IS THIS???

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde BLONDE DRIVER YOU MEAN?? said "Oh well!" CURLY QUOTES and started driving back home.WHY DIDN'T SHE MAKE TWO LEFTS AND A RIGHT AFTER GETTING OFF THE EXIT RAMP? YOU NEED TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS

Sex Joke

A beautiful, voluptuous woman NAME? AGE?went to a
gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.ALLEGEDLY
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the
doctor began to stroke
her thigh.ACCORDING TO THE INDICTMENT, RIGHT? Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she WHY NO NAME? DID THE POLICE NOT DISCLOSE THE
VICTIM'S NAME? IF SO YOU NEED
TO MENTION THIS. replied, "you're checking for any
abrasions WHAT KIND? CORNEAL?
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctorPLEASE
REMAIN OBJECTIVE IN YOUR
REPORTING.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; NO SEMICOLON
which is
why I came
here in the first place." WHAT? NO QUOTES FROM THE
DOCTOR'S ATTORNEY? 

Bar Joke

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, NO COMMA when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, TRY A RIGHT-BRANCHING SENTENCE HERE and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his bigWEAK TRY BROBDIGNAGIAN, TexanGEE IS HE TEXAN hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.NO IS REDUNDANT; SHAKING YOUR HEAD MEANS NO IN THIS CULTURE
He asked, "Kin ya breathe (SIC GOTTA SAY SIC) ?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.LICKED HER BUTT; PLEASE AVOID UNNECESSARY PREPOSITIONS The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvreHEIMLICH FOR FUCK'S SAKE HEIMLICH YOU IGNORANT FUCKTARD PLEASE CUT MY LAWN OR SERVE MY CHECKER'S CHILI DOG OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU DO YOU MISERABBLE WASTE OF HUMAN TISSUE/STET always works."

Puppet Watch: Puppet Videos

You thought puppet watch was over? Nu-uh; it just got quiet. The Mo! Brigade has been on red alert for puppet news and here we go: top five puppet music videos (via College Humor).

Wouldn't ya know, one of the videos is indie. I told you puppets are chic.

Honestly most of the videos on this list are a bit obscure for me.

Repeat after me: you're never too cool for the Magic Garden.

Hey Bill Richardson...

One fat dude to another -- you're too fat to run for President. Seriously, look at you. We want a movie star for president, not Checker's Most Valued Customer. I mean sure you might be against the war. BFD, fatso. Republicans are burning flags over this war. Sorry Rotund Richardson, but you better drink soy milk and eat rice cakes before you consider your bid. I promise you that you will not be in the White House. Maybe the White Castle, but not the White House.

Good thing this guy has no embed code -- I don't want his blubbery mug on my template.

Remembrance of Videos Past #47: Meat Loaf, "Objects In The Rearview Mirror..."

If a blog is like a rock that you wipe your tears away with, then the links to other blogs are just the resulting abrasions.

If blogging is like going to the gym, then the insipid content is like the fat -- fat that is more pounds than an armored truck accumulating money underwater. A British armored truck with pounds inside. The currency. I think.

If clumsy similes are like overwrought, over-the-top Meatloaf songs, then metaphors are like the creepy David Finches that leave in footage of Meatloaf's pants falling down while he's running in Fight Club.

Helium Or Hot Air?

Punchline Magazine-- Dylan Gadino, to be exact -- lets a Philadelphia comedy club have it.

It really makes you wonder if alcohol should be served at comedy shows anymore.

Just shut up the throng with space cakes and Soma, I say.

Zombie Steve For President?

Real Poets Go On Match Game '75

Why Should You Buy Spin Magazine?

To see who Patton Oswalt calls "punk rock." Seriously, I would link to the article for free but it's not online. So quit rolling your eyes at Spin Magazine's And The Academy Is... coverage and pick up a copy you trust-fund hippy! Worth it for Patton Oswalt's essay alone (though an Amy Winehouse cover would make it a collector's item -- an issue is already being auctioned off on eBay).