Previously on Moby Schtick
"The way of the samurai preaches against desire, so I might as well stop being a samurai and indulge. I want to kiss the perfect woman."
The genie, knowing of only one paradigm of the perfect woman, produced Kelly LeBrock.
"Kelly LeBrock? The captain of Kelly's Bellies on Celebrity Fit Club? YUCK!," said Shogut unironically. As LeBrock provocatively sucked the cheese-covered wooden sword, the fat samurai was smitten.
After making a screwface, the genie asked "Who's next?"
The clinically depressed chicken lethargically raised her wing. "I wish to go on a never-ending road trip. I'm tired of crossing the road simply to get to the other side. What a meaningless life."
The genie, knowing that a never-ending road trip was impossible, did the next best thing and threw the chicken in Amanda Congdon's car. "What? I'm actually meeting Atrios in person? Cluck!"
Sensing the chicken's dissatisfaction, the genie asked if the chicken had another wish. "Well, I am clinically depressed. Things that used to give me pleasure - like playing tic-tac-toe in Chinatown - make me depressed. I want to be able to enjoy things again so I can appreciate my third wish."
"Wish granted"
"My third wish, now that I can feel pleasure, is to get a massage."
TO BE CONTINUED
Stay tuned for part four, or as I call it, the "politics and hip hop" episode.
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