Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Church of Beelzeboho

Brooklyn Vegan wrote an incredible blog post exploring hipster metal. Since he writes a music blog he cannot focus on other issues tangentially related to hipster metal. Religion, for instance. Most of these hipster metalheads are members of a new satanic cult called the Church of Beelzeboho. While most religous fundamentalists - whether they are neocons or terrorists - are fighting over the Holy Land, the satanic metalhead Beelzebohos are fighting over the Hipster Land. Though the conflict was previously contained in the LES and Williamsburg, it has spread to Park Slope, SoBro and Astoria as well. As poor black families are pushed out of their apartments, satanic hipster metal rituals are on the rise. To the soundtrack of Mastodon and Wolfmother, they watch old horror movies and drink goblets filled with caffeinated goat's blood-flavored malt liquor.

Beelzebohos are non-violent - their greatest sin is sloth. Determined to remain unemployed, they do not even work hard at being satanists. To the undiscerning eye, they appear to be Christians. Though they are singing Christian songs or rocking out to Stryper they are doing so ironically. Many hellfire hipsters do not even take Satan seriously, which means they are apostates of their own faith. When they throw up the devil horns at Witchcraft concerts they do so ironically. Perhaps what's most shocking of all is their lack of respect for indie rock orthodoxy. Though they have a mock interest in both Stryper and Slayer, a deafening volley of scoffs will erupt at any mention of bohemian pop stalwarts like Yo La Tengo or Flaming Lips. But like any other Satanists, they kneel at the devil's pitchfork.

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